Nerd's Journal (Updates posted whenever I have something to say :P)

[a proud nerd]

Hey all,

 

So, here's what's been going through my head lately and been going on in my life. Feel free to post comments, concerns, thoughts, ideas, suggestions, that I suck, anything!

 

I'm a 15-year-old High School Sophomore in Illinois, turning 16 in July. I'm all set for my driver's license minus the hours. Not a no-life that goes no where, more like the only time I ever go anywhere I'm with someone who can't/won't let me drive. I get out of school for the summer on the 25th of May.

 

For a career, I've never been able to decide. This is mostly because my interests always fluctuate. A long time ago, I literally had no clue. In around 6th Grade, I decided I would join the Marines, as my brother-in-law did, and he has been a big inspiration to me, especially as of late (later I will tell). In 7th Grade I decided I'd rather be an Army Sniper. In 8th Grade I went back to having no ideas. Freshman year and now, I've been trying to decide between a career in the gaming industry, as a writer, or as a musician. Talent-wise, musician will be difficult. Not to mention it's nearly impossible to get into. Gaming, I would love to be a designer, with focus on story and characters, all that. That's one of the reasons I like to write. I love the way that words on a page or what you see and hear and how they say things and the exact words they use all come together just right to make something so believable people will dedicate their lives to it. Everything about that truly amazes me, and I'd love to be a part of it. Just have to decide which way I want to go.

 

Gaming has guided my life from a young age. I played Halo: Combat Evolved a year after it was released because my step-dad bought it to play. He played it like once, I played it whenever I could. From then on, I was hooked. My dad bought me an original Xbox and I used that until one day a power surge killed the thing. I went on without gaming, more or less, until my brother-in-law came into the picture. He has always been very well-connected to me and my brother, and so decided he would give us his Xbox and all his games when he was shipped off to Iraq. When he came back he decided to get a PS3 instead to let us keep it. I'm thankful to this day, as it allowed so many things in life I now enjoy. I played solo until 2 years ago, when my parents at both houses decided to get WiFi. And so now I play very very much.

 

I am very good at academics, even though I don't really like them and I often am too lazy to do my homework (at least lately). This and my love for gaming made the name I go by now. For a long time I let the word nerd depress me and get inside my head. Eventually I embraced it. Glad I did, it's fun being the nerd! lol

 

Fast-forward somewhat to last year. After starting a horribly unsuccessful clan, I needed a place to get competition. So I joined a site (I won't tell the name so it doesn't count as advertising). It is a great community, and I now run Gears of War 3 competitions over there.

 

Fast-forward again to four months ago. I joined a clan (again, no names) and love playing with those people to this day.

 

Fast-forward another month and here we have the beginning of the story I'm really here to tell. While on the gaming competition site, I went to a public chat box for all members. I was simply feeling talkative and bored, so I went over there. I saw two girls and a guy talking on there about Uncharted characters. The guy had just left. The two girls were talking about a character named Harry Flynn, which they both found sexy. I remember what I posted exactly, "As an Xbox player and a guy, this is the most awkward conversation I have ever seen on this site." If you don't know, Uncharted is only for the PS3. That night the three of us had a lot of laughs. I found out that they were both 14 and had known each other over the PS3 for over a year and a half. They considered each other sisters. One lives in Indiana, the other in New Zealand (she was born in London though. Adorable accent After a while, I noticed that the three of us were in the chat box every day at near the same time.

 

Here's when I noticed that little twitch of the heart, flip of the stomach, random thought, that lets you know you're starting to fall for someone. At the time I tried to fight it as much as I could. I could have handled someone in Indiana, that's only an hour difference and when I had my license I could have driven there. But NZ is (depending on Daylight Savings) 5-7 hours behind and a day ahead. I know that's a bit weird to say, but basically, it is 8:33 PM Tuesday now. For her, it is 1:33 PM Wednesday. Yet no matter how hard I tried, how many days I stepped away from the computer to keep from talking to her, I fell for her. As we had different gaming consoles and calling or texting would have costed us both a great deal of money, the best way for us to talk more often or hear each other's voices is via Skype. So we exchanged names and began talking on there nightly.

 

Now this girl has always been the type to use "I love you" loosely. Not in a bad way, but I mean she tells her friends that commonly, not just her boyfriend. But I don't know, it might have been just a sense or the way she said it or how often she said it to me or just my head being hopeful, but I decided to ask how she meant them to me. She immediately caught on to what I was asking, and said that yes, she had had a "crush" on me since we had first met. I told her how it was with me, that I felt the same way. That I got that little feeling when I first saw her profile picture and again when I heard her speak. She had felt the same thing. I asked her if she wanted to make an official relationship out of it. She told me that, while that would be great, she'd rather just keep our relationship under wraps for now. At the time, she told me it was because of the long distance, and making it official might stress us too much and end up killing the relationship. I accepted that as fair, and we moved forward secretly.

 

Last month, we were open enough with each other that I found out the real reason, and I had some issues with being conflicted over the relationship. Starting with the real reason, she had dated a guy over Facebook for 3 months, and he ended it through a message sent when she was offline. She didn't want that to happen to us, and she felt making it official could cause that. We talked it through, she will let me know when she feels comfortable making it official (depends on if I agree. Again, tell you later). As for my being conflicted, I had an issue deciding to follow my head or my heart. My mind was always thinking negatively, telling me how, with her so far away, it would never work. That even the one and a half year difference we have in age is too much. That she will never actually be here (that's the next paragraph). Yet my heart was always thinking positively. I talked it through with her, and I decided that if I thought negatively about this then it would never have a chance. The only way to give it a fighting chance is to think about it positively.

 

Now, about her coming here. Her school allows students to finish school at 16 if they meet special requirements. She met those requirements, and is ready to graduate at 16. She has a trust fund set up that will give her the money when she graduates high school. She's always hated New Zealand, as she blames it for many of her family issues, many of which didn't arise until just after she moved there from England. So she had planned before even meeting me to come to America when she got the trust money. After we told each other how we felt, she said she planned on moving to Chicago, or even to my town. The fund has more than enough money to bring her here and get her a place to live and all that for several months until she gets a job. However, her being a 16 year old out of high school may not look good, so I was worried about that. Will come back to that in the next paragraph.

 

So a month ago, there was a storm. It knocked out my power, and therefore my internet for the whole night. It was both of our weekend, so we had from about 4 PM to whenever I decided to go to bed. The power went out around 6. The last thing I told her was, "Don't worry, I'll hurry and be right back. I love you." I entered complete panic soon, as the internet would not come back on until the next morning. Needless to say, when one is unable to sit still or form a complete sentence for hours, people notice. Finally, when we were on our own, my Dad asked me what was going on. After a few minute's silence, I came clean and told him about all of this situation with the NZ girl. I asked him, and, as we have an extra room, if push comes to shove and I still talk to her and we both feel the same way come the time she is moving, she is welcome to stay here until she can move out.

 

The next week she came clean to me that she had sexted the guy from way back when I first met her in the chat box. She said it only happened once, and she felt extremely guilty about it ever since. I forgave her, as long as she promised never to do that to me again.

 

Now, last week. This is where pain begins.

 

MONDAY. I found out from my brother that my dad had asked him to watch for me to say anything about giving her money. I understand his reasoning, however mad I was at the time. He didn't want me to get scammed. I talked to him about it and he apologized. Also, a friend told me that this NZ girl had continued sexting the guy I mentioned before every Saturday morning (late evening Saturday night for her, like 4 AM). Later that night, I asked her about it. She said it was a misunderstanding, that she was trying to talk to my friend to see if I was still mad about it.

 

TUESDAY. I come home and my dad asks me how late I stay up to talk to her. I hesitated, but told him the truth: midnight. Which limits me to 5 hours, 45 minutes of sleep a night at best. He said nothing until the next day. On the other situation, I asked the guy she had supposedly been sexting about it, forced him to give me his word. He said the last time it happened was the previous Saturday. I talked to her about it that night. She lied, told me he was lying. However, I didn't know that, I couldn't bear to see her, so we just typed through that conversation. I told her I couldn't know for sure, so when the three of us were online next (would be that Friday), we would all three go into a chat and figure out what's happening.

 

WEDNESDAY. While talking to her, at 11:30 PM, my dad slams open my door and yells at me that this is getting out of hand and I need to go to bed. That's two betrayals of the trust I gave to my dad in that he would not use what I tell him against me. Again, I saw his logic, but it was still a betrayal.

 

THURSDAY. I write a letter to my dad (it was too painful to talk it out this time) about how I felt about his betrayals, my being conflicted, and the situation with the NZ girl. However, I just told him that she may be talking to another guy, not that she was sexting him.

 

FRIDAY. Before beginning our group conversation to talk this out, I forced the guy to give me the conversation as proof. He provided it hesitantly. She lied about it all the way until the point I had him post it in the group conversation. She was devastated. I showed as offline to see how she would react. She was in hysteria, absolute panic and regret. I decided on a plan. I would stick with talking to her, but any relationship-like things would die until I could trust her again. She apologized frantically through typing and told me she will do anything to earn back my trust, no matter how long it takes. That night we discussed it over video, so I could look for her very obvious tells on when she lies. She had none of them. She was sincere. So I modified the plan. We would continue acting as we had, but I wouldn't be able to fully trust her and she had to understand that.

 

SATURDAY. Ensuring I woke up early so no "sexting" (I put that in quotes, as it wasn't truly sexting. It was more like they were discussing the kinds of things they liked in bed. Not the kind of conversation I'm comfortable with her having with someone else, but all the same, not sexting really), I noticed a return letter on my nightstand. It was filled with very wise words. The ones that truly hit home were those of my dad and my grandfather. My dad told me that, no matter what, the brain is only good for what is logical and tangible. Love is not logical nor tangible, neither is a bond between two people, so you should follow your heart on such things. He also told me of a letter my grandfather wrote during WWII. My grandmother had asked him why he loved her. He responded that he could not answer that, as when you truly love someone, it's not one thing that makes you love them, it's everything about them. The love is a part of you, its not a choice you make, it's like the color of your eyes or the shape of your face, it can't be changed once it's decided. I immediately recognized what I felt as true love for her because of this. I had just asked her on Friday to define what love meant to her. We both agreed, it was almost exactly what my grandfather had said. So I quickly got on the computer, caught her awake (the guy was not awake, and it was still early for her, so nothing had happened), and told her about what my grandfather had said so long ago. We were both very moved by it. Eventually, the conversation took a turn for the dirty, I won't lie. We talked at length about sex. Both of us being young and curious and very comfortable with each other, we also asked each other a few questions about what it is like to be the other gender. I.e. Does your penis grow when you get an erection, or does it just get hard? Eventually she went to bed, and I went on with my day. Is that a natural conversation for people our age? I mean, we are both going through the end stages of puberty (I think? Didn't pay attention to that part of Health class lol. They just talked about when it starts), so I get that the hormones may cause us to be so curious about all this.

 

Since then, it's been smooth sailing. She seems much less withdrawn from our conversations, we're much more open with each other. One night she had event old me that she was in her underwear only, as her clothes were in the wash. I wasn't about to complain, even if I couldn't do video chat with her that day. However, we were talking and somehow my birthday came up. She offered to take pictures of herself (I told her as long as they were not nude, that would be too extreme for people our age and I didn't want her to regret anything). Keep in mind, I never asked for that, she offered it.

 

Now, I'm getting a bit more personal here. Back around a month into our actual relationship, she gave me what we've come to call a "deal." The basic idea was that she would type out something sexual as a promise that it would happen some time after she got here, in exchange that I do something for her (stay up an extra half hour, bring dinner to the computer, etc). Saturday afternoon for her, she was forced into going shopping for clothes, even though she wanted to stay online with me

 

So that's all I have for today. Questions until next time:

 

Is that conversation this past Saturday okay for two people as young as us to have?

 

Is it okay for her to send me NUDE pics on my birthday? Or was I right to tell her not to take them actually nude?

 

Is it okay for her to be sending me pics of her in her underwear?

 

If yes, could that mean she plans on stepping them up to nude ones on my birthday?

 

Thanks for the read guys. If you're still reading, thanks for being a trooper. That's a freaking book up there lol. Have a nice day, I hope to read at least a few posts on this before next time

[a proud nerd]

Oh yes, one more thing. Just thought of this today. I've always sort of backed off when it came to any kind of conversation that might have taken a turn towards dirty. So is it possible me backing off from that drove her into doing that with someone else?

 

I'm not saying this is my fault. Just asking if I should feel at all responsible.

[a proud nerd]

I figured no one would want to read my book

 

So today I spent probably too much time thinking about this. Should I be worried that she wants to send me pics so soon after the episode with her sexting this guy? I told her that she has to earn my trust over time, could she be trying to use the pictures as a means to make me forgive?

 

I thought of a few other things as well. Many, many "what if" situations. Some of them asking myself what I would do if I found out she was doing ______. Others asking myself what would she do if I did _______. Still others asking myself if it would work or be okay to do ________.

 

I know this journal has been helping me, no matter the # of comments or views, it feels good to have this out there, even if none of you actually know me in real life. So thanks for that.

 

A thought about the site as well. So why does one join this site? To tell another about their problem and ask for advice. So, logically speaking, not saying there's any truth to it, shouldn't this forum be filled with threads that turn into either a pity party or tons of bitter comments? Now I'm sure some people speak and mean what they say, but there's got to be plenty of people who are just looking for a place to dump the way they feel on someone else. I know I came on here hoping for some advice, or at least to have somewhere to tell everyone exactly what's happening so it's not only on my mind and I can work out a proper solution. Now, it's a very nice way of continuing to do both of those, and I'm able to speak with a clear mind and offer others advice and thoughts.

 

As far as my advice, I'd like to think I'm good at giving advice. But I know I'm awful at taking it. Especially my own. Empathy has always been a strength of mine, at least in my mind. Yet today my dad and I were talking about something that I will not say here (simply not my story to tell), and he said that I'm often so submissive, he doesn't think I even know when I'm doing it anymore. So what if what I call understanding their side of the story is just me subconsciously deciding to submit? I don't want to be the submissive person, that's how one gets taken advantage of. I'm sick of getting taken advantage of.

 

So, questions for the day:

 

Am I being submissive or understanding? (You should be able to judge by what I posted, I would think)

Is it okay for my girlfriend from New Zealand to send me pictures?

Should I be worried about anything from such pictures? (her trying to "buy" my trust, her going too far and regretting it/hurting herself)

 

Thanks again all. I know this journal has been a big help. Lots of weight lifted off my shoulders. Hopefully after that first post there won't be any more books