how do people have flings without it feeling meaningless?

[Anon333]

I had a fling with a a guy I really like...I cant get him out of my head. I felat really close to him and we looked into each others eyes and kissed each other sweetly and it fealt really intimate and sweet. It seemed really meaningful to me. I would wake up and he would be smiling at me. He treated me like he was my boyfriend for 2 days. But we both were just visiting where we were and had to leave to different parts of the country. He said he would stay in touch. I didnt have too many expectations but I was hoping we would try. It felt like there was more to it than just sex. Ive had one night stands and this was nothing like it.

 

But after a day of being apart I texted him and said I wished he was here and hope some day we can see each other again. (secretly hoping he would want to plan a visit) But instead his response was kinda cold. I am now just leaving it be and see if he will ever contact me again. I dont have my hopes up but I am really sad and a bit disillusioned by men and sex. I know sex is easy to have and enjoy, but the passionate sweet part is hard for me to understand that someone can come off acting so loving and caring and then never hear from me again...Am I being naive? He really seemed to like me.....

 

Most of my friends say oh it was just a fling to enjoy but I cant stop being horribly depressed and almost feel like my emotions were used. I really fell for it and dont know if it was real....Did he really like me but is just cutting himself off from me because we live so far away? Or did he just play passionate sweet lover as pert of an act to have better sex? I dont know but it makes me have a guard up for anyone I have sex with, and I already had issues with that.....Anyone have any advice or imput please?

[elcie]

Unfortunately, it's too easy to confuse the intimacy of sex with the intimacy of love. The latter takes time, and the readiness of two people, to develop.

 

Advice?........Don't have flings and expect them to become something else. Take the time to get to know someone first before having sex with them......you know, all the stuff your loved ones tell you is usually right.

[pippy longstocking]

It is a long time since I was able to have flings ..now a days ( I am in my 40's) I need to be stimulated by their personality , their mind , their conversation etc etc ..it is the full package for me ..

 

I think you need to re asses your thoughts on this because on the one hand you say you have issues in the sexual area but

you started your story by saying you knew you where both just visiting , had to move on and you spent two days with him obviously been intimate ..without sounding harsh you are the author of your own story here and I would suggest

if you have issues then to not go to bed with someone you have just met , and know will be moving on in a couple of days.

 

 

Just enjoy the experience ..he did ... it will only become sour now by your own thoughts and expectations .. he had a good time, he treat you well and made you feel fab for the short time your paths crossed ... he didn't "dirty" your mind or your body ..he just had a good time , and for him that was probably all there was to it .

 

He sounds like he did really like you ... but now he has gotten on with life , with a nice memory and you need to do the same.

He may not want to drag a long distance thing out of this ...he may not want a girlfriend ..there could be a million reasons

but I guess the real reason is ...he just had a good time with you and now its done .

 

Don't let this give you a problem ..it is too easy to wallo in self created woes and badden a situation when one has

expectations and the other doesn't.

 

enjoy what you had and leave it there ..as a good memory and delete his number now ..its done ..see it as fun and an experience.

[Anon333]

Thanks for the replies. People keep

On telling me that. Enjoy what it was. But he seemed so sincere and sweet like he really liked me it is hard for me to think of just walking away from that. But I do understand the options to stay in touch would be not practical. I have not been with someone in over a year. And the people and boyfriends I have been with we're never this attentive and emotionally satisfying as this person. I felt like we knew eachother for a long time and we talked alot and he told me about his life and he constantly kissed me. It feels really really unnatural for me

To let this go but I know I have to. I keep hoping he will suddenly feel this way about me and contact me. Is there any possibility to

This? Or am I just so lonely and starving for affection I've turned this into something more than it is? Ugh. I wake up missing him and it was only two days. But I know people meet another person and feel strongly about them right away all the time. He seemed even more into me when we were together. Ugh!

[Batya33]

He was sincere. He sincerely had fun with you while you were together and he doesn't want a relationship with you. That's a risk oof the choice you made. I don't think he led you on. I'm sorry you're disappointed. The good news is you now know flings don't work for you.

[Anon333]

I know. I knew I shouldn't have a fling. I didn't realize it was a fling while I was doing it. I thought we would stay in touch and something might come out of it. I didnt know people showed that type of loving affection so easily unless it meant something more. I've had flings before and this fealt way different. But I guess he was just good at making it feel like more. If it hadn't felt that way it wouldn't had hurt me like this to miss him. He definitely pulled me in more emotionally than anyone I've been with.

[Anon333]

When we left he heald me and looked into my eyes and said for me to make sure to stay in touch and let him know I got home safe. We also talked about staying in touch when I was with him.

[Batya33]

When we left he heald me and looked into my eyes and said for me to make sure to stay in touch and let him know I got home safe. We also talked about staying in touch when I was with him.

 

That can mean anything. If he was interested in dating you he would have asked you out on a date and most likely made a specific plan to see you again soon. Or, at the time he thought he might want to see you again and later on reflection he decided it wasn't a good idea for whatever reason. Please try not to take it personally. Next time, given your emotional attachment, I would go on dates with the person first in public and develop the physical intimacy at the same time as getting to know the person and what his goals are through dating. That way there is less risk of getting emotionally attached to someone who doesn't want a relationship with you.

[Anon333]

Batya, we both had only the weekend before we went back to our homes accross the states. So planning to meet up with someone you new for 2 days would be a costly plane ticket and probably the things you read in romantic novels and I guess I fell for him hard and hoped that. He continued texting me until he got home, and then he kinda got distant and I havent heard from him since. I hope he will stay in touch but I am not getting my hopes up anymore. It does make me feel slightly used because I thought we bonded and we would at least stay in touch as friends and possibly see eachother again some day. It has been a little less than a week and I havent heard from him. last text i sent told him i really liked him, wish he didnt live so far away and hope some day we could meet up again. It was a little more wordy. His response was simply "that would be great"..no mutual affection or saying he wishes I lived closer. I have left it at that. It is hard to understand but I am slowly accepting the situation for what it is. I just so rarely meet people i like that I want to sleep with and enjoy sleeping with. It is crappy the situation had to be this way.

[Batya33]

I am sorry it didn't work out. I wouldn't go down the path of "feeling used" since he didn't promise to date you long distance much less be in a serious relationship with you. Bonding is great of course and so is friendship but he didn't promise you anything specific, did he? My husband and I were long distance for much of our dating. Before we got back together we discussed specifically what we both wanted from a relationship with each other. That was really important for both of us. Blaming him for 'using" you will just lead to you being bitter about men in general -not a good result.

[Anon333]

Thanks again Batya. I dont want to be bitter or angry about the situation either. I guess I am most upset he never really expressed how he felt. He acted super into me and treated me like his girlfriend and with much respect. He followed me around like a puppy dog. When we slept together he made it seem like it was beyond physical. It was very intimate and emotionally connecting for me. The thing that bothers me even more than not hearing from him is not knowing how he felt about it. I guess he didnt have the strong feelings I do because I havent heard from him since. I just wish he could have said something to me about how he felt. Even in my last few texts we sent each other it just turned kinda cold and that really hurt. That is probably what makes me feel the most lousy. Even if I never heard from him again if he left it at something sweet knowing he would always remember me fondly I think I could be more okay with this. But from going from ultimate sweet caring tentative guy to nothing at all maybe never is really hard for me to swallow. This is what kind of makes me feel like I was played or used. And it does make me less trusting of people, which I was in the first place, hence not having slept with anyone in over a year.

[Batya33]

He did express how he felt you just didn't want to hear it. He expressed how he felt at the moment (and of course feelings can change) and since he did not tell you he wanted to be in a relationship with you or date you to see if there was potential, you should have assumed that he didn't or you could have asked him what his intentions were before getting sexually involved. You weren't played or used. Had he told you he wanted something serious with you and asked you out for a date for the future -specific time and place- and then done the disappearing act- I would agree. You benefited from not asking him what his intentions were - partly you didn't want to know the answer because it might have ended the fun you were having if he said no. So you chose to risk that it was just a fling. It sounds like you had a really fun weekend. Remember that.

[Anon333]

You are right. I need to take it for what it is. I think over time I will see it more fondly. I guess my ego is hurt because he made me feel like I was amazing to him and usually if that is the case a guy would at least want to stay in touch. I guess Every time I have had a "fling" which hasnt been that often, the person never lived accross the country and there always was the possibility of something coming of it. I think I was excited of the prospect of possibility of "falling in love" and got wrapped up in something more emotional. He really did provide much emotional satisfaction perhaps it just comes easy for him and easy to walk away. Anyway, if anything it makes me question how people can put that sexual/emotional energy out on to someone and then never intend to see them or hear from them again. I really didnt expect that. Even though I didnt expect a relationship or anything. I'm sorry Im just saying the same thing maybe. I have to get over it I guess....Maybe it would have been different if he really was hoping to meet a girl to possibly date. Who knows what his life is like back home i guess. Sounded hectic to me. So do you think I should assume I will never hear from him again? Its been about a week since we both got home and he kinda cut off communication. Is there a chance he would contact me in a few weeks to say hi like he said he would?

[wendy48]

I'm guessing that he did in fact feel close to you, and you did mean something to him, but he doesn't think it's wise to pursue a long distance relationship with you. For all you know, he has a girlfriend waiting for him at home. In the least, he has a full life that he needs to get back to and he may not have room for a LDR now. It's possible that he fully would lke to stay in touch, and it's also possible that you have shown him that you want a bit more than just casually staying in touch and he's worried about leading you on NOW by indulging that. If you want to stay in touch with him, back off a little, let him see you are fine with casual friendship accross the states, and he may think it's safe to pursue that with you.

I know it hurts. But as far as flings go, it could be way worse. Trust that he meant what he said to you, and that he does genuinely like you. The fact that you lives don't overlap in a way that makes a relationship possible for him doens't really undermine that.

[Batya33]

I think if he feels that way then it's rude not to tell her that clearly in some way -disappearing or the slow fade isn't the way to do that. Many people have amazing first dates that last for a weekend and there is no second date. Perhaps this is one of those situation. I had a fling like this many years ago (but did not have sex) where the outcome was very different -I knew going into it that long distance would not work (I think he knew that too) -we had a blast- and at the end he started to say that maybe we could keep in touch, keep it going but I told him, and he agreed, that it really wasn't workable. The following week I sent him a birthday gift and we saw each other a few more times at our mutual friends' wedding, etc. All was good -only have good memories of it. What helped is that back then no one really had cell phones and it was pre-internet access too (I'm sure some had it but not many) so it actually made it easier to cut ties.

[Anon333]

Yeah. I appreciate both input. Wendy I really want to believe it meant something to him and your words were comforting and are helping me move on hoping he thinks of me fondly. But I cant help my train of thought go back into what Batya has said, that if really did mean something to him I would have at least heard from him or be told. I think he just wanted to sleep with me. It makes me sad but there is nothing I could do about it. I really liked him, but not hearing from him at all for a week after an intense fling leads me to believe he doesnt want anything to do with me. Maybe I scared him away. Whatever the case, I dont want someone who isnt into me the same way. He acted more into me than I was at the time, but maybe that was just his libido talking. I know you say not to feel "played", that I knew what I was getting into. But I really cant help but to feel really jaded and used. I wanted to stay in touch with him. I dont connect with people even on a sexual level that way. There is nothing I can do now I guess but get over it. I still really hope to hear from him but the thought of hearing from him the longer time passes, the more it seems less likely.. I really want to believe what Wendy said.

[Anon333]

Should I ever throw out a "hello, how are you doing" to him? Or should I just leave it to him for good?

[Anon333]

Sorry to keep adding more. But today I cant help but to feel really angry that I havent heard from him and probably wont. I want to write him and ask him if that was his intentions. I know thats not what I should do, but I am seriously hurt by the whole situation and it is really hard for me to understand how people can do that....

[Batya33]

If you are going to talk to him don't hide behind a letter. Call him and ask him in a nice way whether he intends to see you again (for me, his silence would be clear enough but it sounds like it's not for you). I don't think you do yourself any good by expressing angry feelings to him. You chose to have casual sex and a fling. You are an adult. He was entitled to believe that you were able to make that choice even though there was the risk you'd feel emotionally attached afterwards (as might he, he took that risk too). You had a lot of fun in several ways so you benefited from your time together. I don't think it's fair for you to now blame him for a mistake you made (in hindsight -perhaps you weren't aware that you might get attached but now you know). He never promised you anything and he didn't mistreat you while you were together. Write the letter and then rip it up -that might help you release some of your disappointment/frustration.

[Anon333]

Im not saying my anger is the right way to feel. I am saying that that is how I feel. I cant help it. He was very sweet while I was with him, and that is almost why I am angry. WHy would someone be so loving, caring and sweet, if only maybe to get laid. I fell for it and I am angry at myself as well. I didnt realize I would feel this way afterwards. But I also thought he really liked me and we would stay in touch because that is what we seemed to express. But I guess I was wrong and need to let it go. I would not call him and be weird or angry. I am frustrated I cant express to him ever what it meant to me. I wish I had told him I had not been with anyone in a year or more. I dont want him to think I took it so lightly, although it was fun. Guess I am paying for it now. I am also in a deep depression after my vacation. Both are aiding i keeping me down. Thanks again for the words

[Batya33]

Your feelings are your feelings. I wasn't writing about your feelings but my suggestions as to how to react to your feelings. In my opinion your expectations were unrealistic. You are also still assuming that he wasn't being genuine about what he felt at the time. He might like you and be attracted to you but not be interested in dating you. I am sorry you're feeling depressed. The good news is as I wrote above that you now know you are not suited to having flings.

[lalalollipops]

I think you should just leave it aye.

Obv when you have sex, some people have a habit of being more affectionate and intimate... But it's still casual?

Don't send any messages showing you're upset or mad. It would make you look bad.

 

He didn't promise anything, which is actually a good thing.

[Natasha24]

I think the short answer is: you either can detach your feelings or you can't. There's no way to make yourself do it.

 

I don't think he was leading you on or using you. It sounds like he enjoyed spending time with you, but he just doesn't want to have a full relationship with you.

 

You will find someone who does

[Anon333]

Yeah, I think the expectations of wanting something out of knowing someone for 2 days is kind of silly.. I just fell for him hard and know in some situations the feelings could be mutual and something could come out of it. In this case the feeling of wanting anything more is not mutual. I dont blame him, a long distance thing wouldnt work and I guess I am being a romantic. I still hope some day to meet up with him again or hear from him...But that is just one of those hopes Im sure will eventually fade....I guess my bigger problem is, which is making me sound kinda desperate. I am 32 and never really have dated anyone I could see myself with and never really enjoyed sex like I did with this guy. I have been single for 2 years. I am lonely and want to meet someone I feel right about like this guy and it is not happening. My biological clock has been ticking since I turned 30 as well....Ugh

[Batya33]

I had my child when I was 42 and started trying at 40. I would have preferred to be in a position to be with the right guy earlier than that because it was stressful to be pregnant at that age. Your clock is not ticking IMO. One way to not waste any more time though is not to pursue men where you first hook up or have sex and then discuss intentions - happy marriages can start that way but it's somewhat unusual and for you out of the question because you apparently get very emotionally attached right away . Long distance can work great -it did for me because we knew each other for many years prior (and had dated in the past) but in general I'd stick to men who are in your local area or move to an area where there are lots of singles, which is what I did at age 28 (moved out of my parent's house and 10 miles away to a major city teeming with singles).

 

You are not being a romantic because you believed something could come out of a fling -that's just hoping something comes out of a fling. Being a romantic in the positive sense means wanting a relationship that includes romance- your heart - as well as your head. Don't tell yourself stories that make it seem positive that you pursue situations that are not healthy for you because that sends yourself mixed messages. I wasted time like that, not focusing enough on being the right person and focusing a bit too much perhaps on how hard it was to meet people (it was hard but I also needed to be honest about my own behaviors that were sabotaging or unproductive).

 

JMHO from a not-so-long married lady.