Maybe letting go doesn't have to be that hard

[Heidern]

Like most of you here, I tend to dwell on the past quite a bit. Lately I've been experiencing these flashbacks, where I get taken back to the good times I had with my ex. Our breakup was pretty nasty, lots of lies and deception from both parties as well as this feeling of huge disappointment. She chose to be with another guy after our 6-year relationship ended (engaged as well) and for the longest time I couldn't get past that.

 

I realized something while I was in the shower today: I was her first as she was mine. Throughout our breakup she mentioned that she still had a lot of feelings for me and hoped that our paths would cross once again. The end result is still the same: she's with another guy. However, why can't I see the break-up in a similar fashion?

 

Then it hit me.

 

I'm 26 and she was my first and only girlfriend for 6 years. Your twenties are supposed to be about experiencing what's out there, so why not embrace this idea? Why should I fight nature? I'm supposed to be immature, I'm supposed to learn from my mistakes, I'm supposed to desire change in every major aspect of my life.

 

Why should I be mad at my ex for following her instincts?

 

Sure, the break-up was horrible and she did a lot of things that she shouldn't have done (I'm guilty of this as well). She's 24 and is now going out with a 19-year-old dude who's about to go through some major changes himself. She probably would have had more stability with me, but are people my age supposed to be thinking like that?

 

Don't deny yourself the opportunity of exploring what's out there. Maybe you think your ex is the best thing in this world, but you won't know for sure until you let him/her do her own thing while YOU go out there and check out what's available. She chose to pursue her happiness and in the process dumped me and tried to keep me as an option, but I can't be too mad at her for doing what's expected of someone her age.

 

So, I'm gonna go out there and explore the different opportunities that are available to a sexy, smart, handsome guy such as myself. I wish my ex the best and I hope we find what we're all looking for... If our paths happen to cross down the line, then so be it. There's no reason to forget the good times we had, we were great together. However, I will say right now my path seems to be headed towards this beautiful blonde I've been dating. She's awesome (:

 

Stay strong guys!

[lykkeli]

Great post!

[mikhylabelle]

^^^ agree with lykkeli!

 

Thanks for the encouraging words, and wishing you luck on your journey!

[Limie]

I agree~

[Hanz33]

I'm glad you can look at it this way I think allot of people are disillusioned to what reality is with a relationship. I think Love isn't enough, I think commitment is the #1 make or break in a relationship. Sometimes I think each party could easily throw each other out the window and tell them to never come back every now and then, but its the holding your tongue and being rational and committing to make things right that gives "forever lasting" couples. I think at a young age, its hard to see the point of the battle when there is so much other "stuff" available.

[Heidern]

I'm glad you can look at it this way I think allot of people are disillusioned to what reality is with a relationship. I think Love isn't enough, I think commitment is the #1 make or break in a relationship. Sometimes I think each party could easily throw each other out the window and tell them to never come back every now and then, but its the holding your tongue and being rational and committing to make things right that gives "forever lasting" couples. I think at a young age, its hard to see the point of the battle when there is so much other "stuff" available.

 

Exactly. At this age you DO have options, whether it's going out with a different person or just exploring other things out there. I think the point you start becoming mature enough to be committed to a serious relationship is the moment you feel you've done enough exploring on your own.

 

Once you get older your options start becoming more and more limited, so you no longer have the mentality that there is always something better out there. You are then forced to work on yourself and start taking care of things before it gets too late. In other words, you feel as though as you have no other choice but to grow up, and that's when maturity starts settling in.

 

Break-ups don't necessarily have to happen because someone did something wrong. Even if you feel that your partner is awesome, you will never know for sure until you have someone else to compare him/her to. Lack of maturity reinforces this idea, but aren't people in their twenties supposed to be immature and look somewhat lost? Just because I know what I want now it doesn't mean that my ex had to be the same way. She is lost, and she's trying to find happiness somewhere else -though we really know that happiness comes from within. Maybe she will get married to the new guy, maybe she won't... The point is, I'm going to go out there and explore my options as well and live with the results.

[NANNYSTUDENT]

I need a bite of whatever you are eating..... where do you get this mentality? I need some of it. Because I am terrified of exploring my options. I thought I knew what I wanted. He didn't. Now I the thought of dating/getting hit on is somewhat annoying. Ugh. I will be single for ever. haha!

[Heartbroken89]

Thanks i wish i could feel the same way but maybe i need time like you did

[sonicfan287]

Ive heard this all the time and I cant agree/disagree with it because its all personal preference, if you prefer to go out and meet new people and "explore" or not. Theres no wrong answer... unfortunately, I realize now that my ex was the type of person that prefers to "explore" while I was more ready to meet someone serious, and it wasnt even so much that as I just fell hard for my ex... and loved her a ton. Im all for exploring to an extent but if you find someone youre in love with, why keep exploring?? And I dont just mean like "puppy love", we went through a lot together... a lot of things tore through our relationship and we even had a couple of breakups before this one but we always found each other... she always said how much she appreciated me, how much I meant to her. I was her first long term relationship and it was only 2 years, not even. In the past, guys usually just met her, hung out with her, wanted to have sex with her, to which she'd refuse because she barely knew them and then theyd prove what jerks they were... but according to her, I was different.

 

I always treated her with respect, was always there for her, and she was for me, but like any couple we had problems and thats why we're not together right now and shes with someone else... she had been with someone else during our first breakup, but it only lasted 2 weeks... this one's been going on for over a month and I dont know if itll go any differently... but its so hard to keep my eyes off that path and try tof ocus on my own.

 

Im tempted to go "explore" but I really dont want to... I dont think its fun, especially when Im still so in love with her... I dont think wasting a 2 year romance to fake feelings for someone I just meet is "fun" but thats just me. I have to realize that this is what she wanted, despite the things she said that would point to the opposite. She wanted to try new guys, so she is... Im free to try new girls too, but I just cant bring myself to do it... everytime I get close to forming a connection with one, I just can't go through with it.

[Heidern]

I need a bite of whatever you are eating..... where do you get this mentality? I need some of it. Because I am terrified of exploring my options. I thought I knew what I wanted. He didn't. Now I the thought of dating/getting hit on is somewhat annoying. Ugh. I will be single for ever. haha!

I wasn't born thinking this way. I used to believe that I only needed to love once, that once I found something good I didn't have to go out there and explore my other options. Here's the thing though: my first and only love didn't exactly think that way... Well, she says she did, but her having an emotional affair with someone else while we were engaged says otherwise.

 

The key is trying to focus on your life rather than being the victim. Yes, you got dumped -so did I- and I really REALLY feel for ya... It's a horrible feeling ain't it? You're no longer wanted by the person with whom you shared a portion of your life. It's OK to be depressed for a while (imagine how I felt after being with this girl for 6 years!), but there comes a point in time when enough is enough. You can't let life happen right before your eyes and mope around as your ex has the time of his/her life out there. Be single if you need to, but if you're working on yourself the way you're supposed to, other options WILL be there. Your next relationship doesn't have to lead to marriage or anything serious for that matter. Just go out there, be honest with your partner and yourself, and have some fun!

 

Remember, your ex ain't worh the trouble. I still have feelings for mine, but I can live with that. I'm not about to toss out a great chance with someone who REALLY wants to be with me and someone who ADMIRES me to try to fix something that I'm pretty sure is still broken.

[The_Seeker]

sonicfan i was the same way with my first ex.

 

=] it's nice to hear there are guys who think like me.

[The_Seeker]

I hope if your paths do cross, YOU DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR CURRENT.

 

Be nice.

[Heidern]

Yet another reason for you to go out there and do your thing... You gave your ex respect and in return she disrespected you. I know what it's like to be cheated on, to be disrespected... It's horrible, but at this point there is nothing I can do about those events. They're part of the past now, so I must really do my best to move on so I can get a chance with someone else.

 

I still have feelings for my ex, but I'm not going to spend the rest of my life thinking about her as she's with the guy that she left for. I can certainly do better than that, and that is exactly what I'm doing. This is the kind of behavior that will make others look up to you. Once again, it's perfectly fine for you to be vulnerable (even in front of your friends) for a while. I can't tell ya what the universal time frame is, but for me it was when I realized that I was thinking waaay too much about my ex while she was out there having fun. I took my time, went through a period of depression, then kicked myself in the balls and started to show (thinking vs acting) everybody -including myself- what I'm all about. My ex certainly didn't appreciate some of the moves I made (replaced her by someone much hotter and smarter than her) but who gives a crap. Other girls now wanna hang out with me too, so while my relationship with my ex was nice and all I'm really enjoying the possibility of meeting someone who I can share my life with -that is if I haven't met that person already!

 

I'm not sure anyone else out there will agree with me, but I'm not sure I'll care if that's the case either Experience the pain, but know that at some point you gotta get out of that funk and improve yourself and your self-esteem so you can get started on the next chapter of your life.

[Heidern]

I hope if your paths do cross, YOU DON'T CHEAT ON YOUR CURRENT.

 

Be nice.

Hahahaha! I'll try to be nice, I promise

[Heidern]

sonicfan i was the same way with my first ex.

 

=] it's nice to hear there are guys who think like me.

I thought I was gonna get married to my first one too, but that... did not end well lol

 

I really feel men need to be assertive, especially when you're dealing with immature women. If they can't figure out what they want out of their own lives, why should you let them govern the relationship? Once they reach that point of no return prior to the breakup, if you act like anything less than a hunter then you're screwed. If you know what you want out of life then live that way, don't look for her. If she wants you she will come back, at which point you'll be the one making the call. In the meantime, work on yourself and start rebuilding that confidence, because some other fine lady will eventually take notice!

[The_Seeker]

I thought I was gonna get married to my first one too, but that... did not end well lol

 

I really feel men need to be assertive, especially when you're dealing with immature women. If they can't figure out what they want out of their own lives, why should you let them govern the relationship? Once they reach that point of no return prior to the breakup, if you act like anything less than a hunter then you're screwed. If you know what you want out of life then live that way, don't look for her. If she wants you she will come back, at which point you'll be the one making the call. In the meantime, work on yourself and start rebuilding that confidence, because some other fine lady will eventually take notice!

 

LOL You're the first LA guy to ever say that. I've known many LA/Cali guys but they don't act like the way you do.

 

A rare breed.

[The_Seeker]

Hahahaha! I'll try to be nice, I promise

 

If you don't, I tell Santa you've been not nice. Hmph!

[Heidern]

LOL You're the first LA guy to ever say that. I've known many LA/Cali guys but they don't act like the way you do.

 

A rare breed.

Men are controlled by their female counter-parts around here. It's quite depressing really... There's so much more to life than being owned by a girl.

[Mizz]

I'm 19 and my ex is 18. He left me because I feel like he wanted to see what else was out there, be "free" before he settled down or had any real responsibilities in life.

 

I often wondered what else was out there too but thought "if I had that mentality about everyone I dated then I'd never have a successful relationship because I'd always leave my current one for someone else or something new".

 

I am young, and of course want to have fun and enjoy my youth. I understand the mentality of "I'm young! I want to have fun! then eventually get married! but first let's just do anything and everything I want while I can!" But I feel so odd then haha, because all I ever wanted was a serious relationship with a guy. Not rush anything, but just to be with someone, have a job, move in, get married, start a family. Of course while having a good time and enjoying life and doing things, but doing them with having someone who wants a serious relationship/to be with me. I feel like the minority among my fellow youth then XD. Unless I am reading into this thread the wrong way.

 

Though now that I am single I think it will be a nice opportunity to see what else is out there for me and to have a good time before I do meet someone else. Which now that I think of it, is that the point of the thread? Hahaha.

[Heidern]

I'm 19 and my ex is 18. He left me because I feel like he wanted to see what else was out there, be "free" before he settled down or had any real responsibilities in life.

Knowing the things that I know now, this is a perfectly valid excuse to end a relationship. He feels like there's something better out there? Fine! There's something just as good if not better waiting for ya out there, but you won't know until you explore those options. He chose to end it, and if really loves ya he will try to find his way back, so you don't have to convince him of anything. At that point I'm not sure you'll want him back anyway

 

I often wondered what else was out there too but thought "if I had that mentality about everyone I dated then I'd never have a successful relationship because I'd always leave my current one for someone else or something new".

This is what a lot people seem to do. Can you really be angry at someone who thinks like this? Not really... There's no right or wrong when it comes to this sort of thing, which also implies YOU don't have to take them back if they do decide you were the most awesome thing ever. Wish them the best and move on! One day you'll meet someone who will want to commit to you and hopefully you'll feel the same way about him, but make sure you kill all urges to explore now because this is the time for that

 

I am young, and of course want to have fun and enjoy my youth. I understand the mentality of "I'm young! I want to have fun! then eventually get married! but first let's just do anything and everything I want while I can!" But I feel so odd then haha, because all I ever wanted was a serious relationship with a guy. Not rush anything, but just to be with someone, have a job, move in, get married, start a family. Of course while having a good time and enjoying life and doing things, but doing them with having someone who wants a serious relationship/to be with me. I feel like the minority among my fellow youth then XD. Unless I am reading into this thread the wrong way.

Guys and girls around your age don't think the way you do. I used to think like you... I just wanted to fall in love with somebody for the first time and last time all at once! However, it's not realistic to think that you're going to marry your next partner, because people around this age usually wanna experience the highs and lows of life without thinking about the consequences. I believe you should always be yourself, but you also have to play by the rules. If you don't, you are likely to get hurt over and over again.

 

Though now that I am single I think it will be a nice opportunity to see what else is out there for me and to have a good time before I do meet someone else. Which now that I think of it, is that the point of the thread? Hahaha.

Go out there and have some fun. You still a great future ahead of ya, but remember it's up to YOU to make it great. If you're the girl from your avatar picture then you should have no trouble meeting someone new, just make sure he's not that big of an a.s.s.

 

Enjoy life!

[Mizz]

Knowing the things that I know now, this is a perfectly valid excuse to end a relationship. He feels like there's something better out there? Fine! There's something just as good if not better waiting for ya out there, but you won't know until you explore those options. He chose to end it, and if really loves ya he will try to find his way back, so you don't have to convince him of anything. At that point I'm not sure you'll want him back anyway

 

If he left me for his own needs or desires then it's what he wanted. I want him to be happy. I want to be happy as well. It was such a kick in the ass though cause I went to college and didn't do that to him. But when I thought about the relationship as a whole there were many qualities about him that actually weren't as perfect as I once thought. I remember times that I myself had questioned if I wanted to even BE with him because of how he'd treat me in other situations. So I thought maybe it was better it ended and I can find someone else who will want to be with me. I can't blame him for being curious, he is still young. I had loved him though. And there have been guys out there who have been perfectly happy with one woman, though I know for a fact that's very rare, and I wouldn't expect him to be that way, which obviously my ex wasn't. He was never into parties though or random hook ups, I never thought he would do something like that to me. But I know it happens. I accepted it's over. Maybe one day he'd regret it, though at that point I'd have moved on and found someone else.

 

 

This is what a lot people seem to do. Can you really be angry at someone who thinks like this? Not really... There's no right or wrong when it comes to this sort of thing, which also implies YOU don't have to take them back if they do decide you were the most awesome thing ever. Wish them the best and move on! One day you'll meet someone who will want to commit to you and hopefully you'll feel the same way about him, but make sure you kill all urges to explore now because this is the time for that

 

I can't be angry if he had thought what I have questioned before. I stayed with him despite it crossing my mind but he went for what he thought was right which was being "free". If he came back after "trying" what's out there after not liking it or not being successful I wouldn't take him back. It hurt too much and the trust isn't the same or would be very hard to have back. I'd be afraid he'd just do that again. Like, perhaps let's say if we would be engaged "I am not ready for this" BAM he leaves me. Or perhaps if I was ever pregnant, "I am not ready for this" BAM he leaves again. Not good. I know some day I'd meet a guy who would be ready to settle down, and I was never in a rush to settle down but I always thought it would be nice. I was never into wild parties or drinking. I apparently don't have the typical mindset of a 19 year old haha.

 

 

Guys and girls around your age don't think the way you do. I used to think like you... I just wanted to fall in love with somebody for the first time and last time all at once! However, it's not realistic to think that you're going to marry your next partner, because people around this age usually wanna experience the highs and lows of life without thinking about the consequences. I believe you should always be yourself, but you also have to play by the rules. If you don't, you are likely to get hurt over and over again.

 

Well, I wouldn't expect to marry every boyfriend I'd have/date or think that the next guy will be "the one". I know it takes time and can't be rushed. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I am sure there has to be a guy out there somewhere who's around my age who would want a serious relationship though and not just screw anything that moves and want to party all the time. A loyal guy who'd like being with me just for how I am, seeing where it goes and if it works out, and if not then I move on and keep searching for the right guy. I didn't ever wanna rush anything or get married right away, but just find a nice guy to be with and keep trying if it won't work out.

 

 

Go out there and have some fun. You still a great future ahead of ya, but remember it's up to YOU to make it great. If you're the girl from your avatar picture then you should have no trouble meeting someone new, just make sure he's not that big of an a.s.s.

 

I will have fun! I of course won't obsess over finding a guy right away or settling down anytime soon. I will focus on myself, meet new people, see where things go and eventually find someone. And I am the girl from the avatar, and thank you!

[Heidern]

And there have been guys out there who have been perfectly happy with one woman, though I know for a fact that's very rare, and I wouldn't expect him to be that way, which obviously my ex wasn't.

Damn right it is a rare sighting, especially around that age. Don't feel bad about it though, you want someone to commit to you and eventually you will get it, just enjoy your single days for now

 

I can't be angry if he had thought what I have questioned before. I stayed with him despite it crossing my mind but he went for what he thought was right which was being "free". If he came back after "trying" what's out there after not liking it or not being successful I wouldn't take him back. It hurt too much and the trust isn't the same or would be very hard to have back. I'd be afraid he'd just do that again. Like, perhaps let's say if we would be engaged "I am not ready for this" BAM he leaves me. Or perhaps if I was ever pregnant, "I am not ready for this" BAM he leaves again. Not good. I know some day I'd meet a guy who would be ready to settle down, and I was never in a rush to settle down but I always thought it would be nice. I was never into wild parties or drinking. I apparently don't have the typical mindset of a 19 year old haha.

Around your age I wanted to be real mature and all, but forgot that it's perfectly to act the way he is. Once again, you're probably a bit more mature, so don't feel bad. And no, you don't have to take him back

 

Well, I wouldn't expect to marry every boyfriend I'd have/date or think that the next guy will be "the one". I know it takes time and can't be rushed. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be. I am sure there has to be a guy out there somewhere who's around my age who would want a serious relationship though and not just screw anything that moves and want to party all the time. A loyal guy who'd like being with me just for how I am, seeing where it goes and if it works out, and if not then I move on and keep searching for the right guy. I didn't ever wanna rush anything or get married right away, but just find a nice guy to be with and keep trying if it won't work out.

I think that's a good way of thinking, not that you need validation from me or anything

 

I will have fun! I of course won't obsess over finding a guy right away or settling down anytime soon. I will focus on myself, meet new people, see where things go and eventually find someone. And I am the girl from the avatar, and thank you!

 

Great! Whenever you feel down reread this part of your post, I think it may help.