Deep thought...

[rahulrocks]

So I am sitting idle now in the company. I fought hard to not work on a particular technology, and they finally released me from the project. I am without a project at present and this does not bother me much. I know this is the time where i can learn things for free and without any pressure.

I always wanted to discover a way to work without pressure, a way in which i would work with enthusiasm, in which i would work out of my own willingness. I am trying to do that now. But this is not working somehow. Somehow I am not working at all, passing out all my time on facebook or ena. Posting things in threads, replying to threads and then waiting for the replies. I learn a lot here, things about which i have no idea.

But again back to the core problem, how to work when there is no pressure over you. When there was pressure i always disliked it but my productivity was very high. Now there is no pressure and i am not working at all.

Some people say that you should do the work of your liking. I have never been able to figure out what is the work of my liking and if there is any meaning to such things. I am getting a decent salary and I am a good developer. There are family responsibilities as well. You can't just quit your job for some talent of yours. There is also a secret ambition with in me, the ambition to achieve GOD, the ambition to achieve enlightenment. I know you can not make an ambition or desire out of such things as the very desire will create impediments in the discovery of the ultimate reality. So sometimes i think that i just have to drift along when it comes to carrier. The ambition of succcess seem a hostile thought to the spiritual developement of oneself.

[rahulrocks]

The day before Yesterday I tried to find out my goals for this period, the things that i should learn and the various impediments to it and here are they

- SPRING (Spring MVC, web services, security)

- Hibernate

- Java 6

- Design and Architecture

- Eficiency

- Communication Skills

[rahulrocks]

The impediments that i found out for learning are

- Lack of Planning and Motivation

- Execution effectiveness to a plan (Big one)

- Changing moods and Vagrancy of thought

- No reporting to anyone (so no pressure)

- Self deciet ( finding some reason to not work)

- Lack of desire

- Getting Off the topic ( finding some key word and then start working on the keyword immediately instead of sticking to the main topic).

- Doing what is easy and not what is needed.

[rahulrocks]

Here is my plan of action

1) I would daily report to myself at 6 P.M and analyse what has been done and what i would do tomorrow. Why I have not done a particular thing.

2) I would give myself reward and punishments if i do not get the desired goals.

3) I would consider an alteration in the plan at around 3 P.M

4) I would not force myself for any task ( I still want no pressure)

5) I would work on some task break down thing.

6) I would strictly adhere to the Plan of Action.

 

The plan of action failed yesterday when i did not report to myself at 6 P.M as i went with one of my friend to drink tea. I got sleepy in the day and found hard to control the thoughts and concentrate. I will review things what can be done now.

[rahulrocks]

Lets try to work it out again, its 3.39 P.M, lets see what can be achieved today, I have wasted the entire day without doing anything so far. But lets not get frustated because of that. What is gone is gone, lets see what we can achieve now.

 

Tasks for today

Do some sort of implementation with Spring and Hibernate

Be a good listener for communication skills

Study Front Controller if possible.

[rahulrocks]

Nothing more satisfactory than going home with the satisfaction of having done something in the day !!! So i worked on all the three assigned tasks. Implemented something and also tried vMware vFabric tc server. Yeah i slept while reading the Front Controller pattern but when the implementation begin i was able to work well. Even the comm. skills went fairly well.

 

The mind was trying to go here and there and then i tried to analyse why it is doing so ? Is it because we are learning something new and not understanding at the same time and the mind wanders away. Is it that in the past we have given up the task when such a situation arose and those feelings comes back to us when a similar situation occurs. This kind of thing creates a certain inertia for working. Although a strange thing happened while i was investigating all this, the mind started to become quite and then in the quiteness i started working again.

 

I do not want to control the mind, i do not want to discipline it. I want it to work on its own. So I will just try to find out the causes of why the mind is not willing to work, rather then blaming myself with some useless words like 'Laziness', 'Indisciplined' and all.

[rahulrocks]

I close my eyes and start listening. There is the noise of a fan and motorcycle going away, there is also the noise of dish washing in the kitchen and some advertisement on the t.v. But in my general routine, i seem to miss these noises. The mind want to get lost in thought. How much weight the mind puts out to its thoughts. There is also the noise of thoughts, I wonder if the noise of thoughts is any different from the noise outside. wait a minute, is it an authentic thought or it is thought which came out of memory, a thought which was probably fed by Krishnamurti or a tolle. Am I always thinking what i already know ? Can I think without a language ? When the language was not invented did the primitive man think at all ? Is thought essentially the creator of all our problems ? And what is thought ? Mind is necessarily caught in thoughts.Its all the time bringing out responses form the memory for any particular situation. But this process has some what becom mechanical and we have not control over it.

This forces me to derive one more conclusion. Your sorrows are not actually your sorrows, they are borrowed from history. All this sadness and madness, this cry of being cheated, this triumph of a victory, everything has just been taught to you. We learn it from the society, from the parents, from the people with whom we come into contact.

Wait a minute but what about kids then, they cry when the do not get something, when they want something. They even laugh sometimes for no apperent reason. But do they get psychologically hurt ? When you have scolded a 2 year old boy, even that boy feels bad. Perhaps they have understanding that something went wrong if not exactly they know about disrespect. But kids have a weak memory whereas grown ups do not.

I think its not only conditioning that makes people think in terms of me and mine. We are born with structure of me and mine. People only tell us about the objects that are to be considered as mine. So is it the brain cells that are responsible for the various tendencies of the mind, the jealousy, the hatred, the measurement and comparing.

[rahulrocks]

N was beautiful, our eyes met at a function and something just sparked inside. I wanted to see her again and again. I did not want her to notice that i was staring at her but at the same time i wanted to greet her eyes. Such beautiful eyes..i was lost. It was love at first site, or may be plain attraction i dont know. Later on in a family gathering i got a chance to be around N for a night. Our common friends knew about my feelings towards N and they really tried to help me a lot. They talked all the good things about me to N. They created such a good image of mine that i was the best person in the world and perfect in all sense. I had some interest in reading hands and N asked me to read her hand. I was quite a shy guy and was reluctant to take her hand into mine but i finally did that. I was totally inexperienced in such matters and was just a nice guy. N also came to my house once because of some work of his cousin. I was so much into love that i did not know what to do, how to approach and how to take things further. These sorts of encounters continued here and there. I was not a very confident person and knew nothing about girls and chemistry. Then one day I sent an email to N and expressed my feelings towards her. N replied to that with saying, I am too young to think about these things and at the moment i want to concentrate on my carrier and studies. She advised me to concentrate on my studies as well. My heart sank. I said sorry to her in email and asked her to keep it a secret as this could destroy some other relationships. This was my first failure at love.

But this did not end there. After sometime i had to visit a tourist place and was going there with family and friends. With help from some common friends i managed to get N to come along with us. N came along and i got really mad with love. I had no interest in sight seeing but i was only interested to be around with N. I was trying to provide her whatever she needed. When she said she was thirsty to someone else i immediately braught water to her and things like that... N did not seem to care about others, she seemed to care only about herself whereas the other people on the trip were taking care of others as well. My friends told me that N is not that good, she is not good for a long term companion....I agreed with them as well but when someone is lovestruck he becomes blind. After a day or so N wanted to go to some other place in the middle of the trip. I considered it as her lack of interest for me, i was so eagar to be with her and she did not give that a damn... I urged her to continue with us but she did not listen. I became like a dog trying to chase his master....My friends saw my poor condition and warned me that only wants to keep you as an option, she is aware about your feelings but she is acting like this deliberately... and N left. During the whole trip i gave N signs about my interest towards her but she just reacted detached and disinterested..... My heart sank completely.....

 

I thought to myself may be i scared her away with too much interest and love. May be i should have reacted slightly disinterested. After coming back from the trip i wrote a GoodBye forever email to N. I said during the whole trip i displayed signs of love and affection and you just acted disinterested, you never seemed to care about me and now i want to say Goodbye to you forever......I said its better to leave things here.

N replied that she was very happy after the trip but after reading my mail her mind got pissed off. She said that the trip got her a chance to know someone who was Perfect in all senses. She said that she did care about me. But she again gave the reason of carrier and ambition and she finally said that at the moment the only relationship possible between us is that of friendship or no relationship at all.

 

I replied to N that i do not want to become her friend and i already have a lot of friends. I just said that its a final GoodBye forever from my side.

 

And this was the end of the first love story. I came accross N after sometime as well but lets leave that thing for now.

[rahulrocks]

This is absolutely rubbish. As soon as i got a chance to be alone i watched the adult content. I watched all those things again. This disturbs me after i have finished watching, after i have done that... In my childhood i use to feel such a guilt, i even used to punish myself for doing such a thing. I would stop breathing for sometime to punish myself for the deeds. I always thought its a crime for me to watch these things. I still have such feelings, i still think that i lost control. When i am watching it, i get involved like a mad dog, enjoying all that, but after its over it pisses my mind off. I tried to rationalize these things and now i do not have that much amount of guilt. But i have felt that after i have done these things, my temperament goes low. I get angry very easily, I tend to become more aggressive, and the feelings of sympathy and compassion goes away.

 

I do not feel any such guilt after i get involved in the real act of sex. That occurs to me a natural thing to do, but watching others do it and imagining things indicates only lust to me. I start thinking what is the difference between an animal and man, both can't control their lust. I feel that one should devote oneself to the discovery of the ultimate reality. But once i have done these things, my confidence gets low and i think that i would never be able to get out of the vicious circle of birth and death. This body has given to me to achieve enlightenment and what good use I am making out of this !

 

A lot of times i vowed to myself to never get indulged in such things but i never kept it up....But they say that progress never happens in a straight line. It happens in spirals. You rise and fall and rise again and fall again. The goal should be to move towards the center of the the spiral to avoid rising and falling. One who has caught the feet of Guru would be blessed in the end. He never left me because of any sin, and he will never leave me so why to be afraid...

[rahulrocks]

I do not want to do anywork today. The feeling is not there, i do not want to even explore why i do not want to do it. Let it be that day. We have tortured ourselves enough to work against our own willingness. I want to explore other things, I want to understand what K had to say. I wanted to be free with K. Why are we caught in these contradictions of ourselves. We are the one who desire something, who want to have something and we are the one who does not support it. Its so easy to desire something and so difficult to achieve it. Why do we desire anything at all ? What is implied in it ? What is desire ? How does it originate? How does the desire begin ? The memory of something comes back into the mind and the mind wants to repeat it again. The mind once had some sensation and the memory of it is stored up. That memory comes back to us with an event of similar nature or the same event, the same situation, and desire spirngs up. But whats wrong with desire ? Is there anything wrong at all ? The desire is necessarily an enforcement of the self. There is desire and therefore I am. If i am not then who will desire anything. The desire is the strengthening of the self. Is desire a thought ? Is the basic need of food a desire at all.

I think i am unable to dig it. I am hollow and without any insight. No matter how much i try, i can not unearth the root of this all. Why I have become like this. Why I am so dull and stupid. Would time make me smarter, i dont think so.

[rahulrocks]

Am I dull because I am forcing myself. Can merely watching things without making any effort would bring understanding ? Is understanding a function of time and observation. Am i trying to find out 'how to's' of getting rid of something. So what is one to do ? or should one do noting at all. How to do nothing at all ? Strange question. I am so occupied in doing things that i just cant drop them. Understanding your own dullness is the beginning of Smartness.

[rahulrocks]

I was alone in the house yesterday. A big house, but a good house and not haunted in any sense. I used to keep only a small bulb on in my bedroom and some light outside. But when i am alone, i keep a big bulb on outside the room so that there is more light. It is evident that I am afraid of darkness. Unknowingly i always avoid it. There is fear generated in that darkness, probably the fear of ghost as i used to think. Yesterday i decided to face the fear directly. I wanted to understand it, to see all its content, all that it produces, to come directly into contact with it and not to escape from it. I generally remember my Savior in tough situations and he has never failed me and it was easy to remember him and the fear would have been gone. But i did not want this to happen. I wanted to live with that fear, to understand it so that i can go beyond it. So i did not lit up any bulb outside the room and I also switched off all lights inside the bed room as well. I was there on the bed and feeling the intensity of fear inside the body. It immobilizes one. When fear catches the man he becomes inactive. I did not want to move any parts of my body. I was thinking what is the reason of all this. Why am i afraid. Am I afraid of some hand coming out of nowhere and squeezing my throat ? Am I afraid of death ? Some of the thoughts were suggesting to just switch on the lights and avoid the situation. But what gain would be achieved by such a thing, the fear would be there. It would come up when any such situation arises again. There i was lieing on the bed and thinking I am safe right now then what is causing fear. An imaginary thought of a future situation in which I could be was causing the fear. One is never afraid of the present. One is always afraid of either the past or the future. But who is afraid of fear ? Who was saying that I am afraid ? Who is the entity that says I am feeling that fear ? The entity is past. The entity is itself made up of past experiances, memories, pleasures, pain. So there was a distance between that entity and fear. The entity which is made up of fear itself was trying to overcome the fear. But Since the entity is fear itself, it can never overcome the fear. When the entity thus understand that it is fear itself, when the gap between the two ceases to exists then fear is dissolved forever.

[rahulrocks]

I hated D. Hatred is violence. What is the cause of all this ? He thought differently and i thought differently. He tried to dominate me or atleast i felt that he tried to dominate me and I dont want to be dominated. I hated most of the things he did, the things which i considered silly altogether. The jokes which i felt really very foolish and his efforts to get out extra from other people. I hated when he questioned my work, when he asked why this is not done, when it will be done. I used to think inside myself that I am doing good and he has no right to question me. I responded violently with a sense of contempt towards him. Sometimes i did not give him proper answers. I felt that he should correct his tone of voice when dealing with people. I objected when he did not grant other people the leaves that were justified in my opinion. I objected when i thought that he should allow people to live as they are and he is not doing it.

Overall i hated him because he was not living and behaving according to the standards which i thought were correct. I can justify my conduct with very good reasons but does it end violence ? it does not. With someone else i would give right justifications for being violent. But how to end violence, what is the root of all this ? Why we are so violent. We have had two world wars, we are fighting in the name of GOD, caste, creed, sex and what not. We are fighting with our neighbors, our bosses, our wives, our husbands, our children and what not. We are killing in the name of nationality, protection, righteousness and what not. Why are we so violent.

Is judging the cause of violence, is it because we are constantly forming images of people based on our knowledge and our standards. Is it because we are labeling them with this or that. Is it because we are storing up the hurts that they have caused in our memories. Is it because we can not forget. Is it because we justifying or condemning ourselves for being violent.

Is it because I am a hindu and you are moslem. Is it because i am catholic and you are prostent. Is it because I am russian and you are American. Is it because i follow a certain faith and you follow another. Is it because all the time we are creating our own identities and binding ourselves with various concepts, thinking ourselves to be this or that whereas we are nothing. As long as I am bound with this image formation of mine, bound with judging you, bound in concepts and creating barriers between us, Violence would exist.

No matter how much they cry for Non-Voilence which is another concept they will remain violent because violence is a fact and non-violence is an ideal.

[rahulrocks]

In the IPL match i wanted the Pune warrirors to win. I was supporting them and wanted them to come up on the table. The initial start was o.k by ganguly and others but later on Uthhapa did not bat that well. They lost. It got really angry at some of those players, thinking to myself why don't they get out some of the players who are not performing upto the expectations. I wanted Ganguly to do well because of i liked him and wanted his team to play well for him. But they are just letting him down.

My desire for them to win and they not winning caused me pain. If they would have won then there would have been pleasure. If things would have gone according to my expectations then i would have been satisfied. But would I have been satisfied forever ? I would have picked up another object for my desire. Desire for anything will cause the pleasure/pain cycle. We want to avoid the pain and take the pleasure but this is not possible because things would not always turn up according to our wish. If they would turn up according to our wish all the time then also our pleasures would be mitigated. But this is simply not possible. Desire implies a change in 'What is' to 'What should be' or sometimes when 'What is' is going to change then desire implies a change of 'What is' to a particular 'What should be'. This gap between 'What is' and 'What should be' is the seed of conflict. If one is living with 'What is' peacefully then there is no need of Desire in life. Will world become stagnant if such a thing happens. Well that is a matter of discovery for some other time.

[rahulrocks]

Se* is a biological need. It needs to be fulfilled. The real act of Se* is not evil in itslef. What is evil is all the imaginations that are build around it. All the pleasure that thought is building around it. When Se* is turned into a memory and that memory is repeated in the mind, this is the beginning of evil. Even Ma*sterbating is not evil in itself. The act is not evil. What is evil is the imagination that are built around it. The act is real but the imaginations are just distortion. In case of Se* one does not imagine when one is really performing. One is in the company of other. But in Ma*terbating one has to imagine.

If one is Ma*sterbating without any images, without any fantasies, without any thought then its a mere act of fulfilling the biological need. But why would one Ma*sterbate if one does not have any images or desire, the body will give the signals, like when it is hungery one feels the hunger in the same way when it should be done, the body will indicate. At that time do it without any images.

Perhaps this is the path to follow as long as one have clarity.

[ApocalypseDreams]

Rahulrocks, I really enjoy reading your posts.

 

I just worked out your username too. Rahul Dravid right? Nice to see another cricket fan on ENA!

[rahulrocks]

Rahulrocks, I really enjoy reading your posts.

 

I just worked out your username too. Rahul Dravid right? Nice to see another cricket fan on ENA!

 

Thanks that lifted up my spirit. Well the nickname is not exactly because of rahul dravid, its just a name that i like. When i was a child there was a guy with the name rahul with whom i was fairly impressed. Then there are also those movies of Sharukh Khan (the bollywood actor) and his name was mostly rahul. So i kept that name.

 

But yes I am a big big cricket fan, and I really respect rahul dravid...Right now i just watched the IPL match of Kings XI Punjab with the Royal challengers of Banglore..... I think we should open a post to talk about cricket in the OffTopic forum....That will be really great to discuss that or we can discuss it here as well....

[rahulrocks]

I just opened a post in the Offtopic for the cricket fans.......

[rahulrocks]

I am enjoying it, the fan moving and creating that sound, the towel that is being blown away by it air. The sound of a motor bike. The writing that is happening along with it. There is no shadow of the past in this moment, no worry of the future. Its a sacred moment in life, filling my life with great emotions and delight.

Its gone now. The desire to repeat that corrupts that. Thought wanting to have that delight destroys that. The desire to continue a pleasurable activity is the enemy of that delight. Do not capture it in the memory. this will not bring it back.

[rahulrocks]

Enough of introspection, retrospection and analysis.......I am burning with a passion to get back to action...the uncertainity that i have about the future is adding such a fuel to this fire........ I want to be on top of it all..........

 

Spring 3 and Hibernate 4 these are the tools i will use to cut the world of software......Excellence in these two is the goal...........So lets fasten our seatbelts and ride on this strong passion.......

[rahulrocks]

Just returned from lunch, Where is that passion gone...The fire turned into smoke so soon... I can make my efforts to keep the fire alive but whats the gain. An effort means stress, the fire which burns on itself is the real fire. The fire which is being put together by thought will only cause stress.

Its like trying to laugh when you dont feel to. How easily we loose our passion. Its like a mood that goes away. So is there any Passion which never leaves one ? Is there any fire which will keep burning ? When Passion is a reaction to the fear of uncertainty then it is not passion at all. It is a mere reaction. A mere effort on our part to prepare ourselves for what might come in the future. We are concerned with the discovery of that passion which will keep burning, So intense that there will be no space in the mind for the thought of the past. But this passion can not be a reaction to something. This passion can not be borne out of ambition as well. The ambition and desire to achieve something, to become something may give you an illusion that you are passionate about something but that passion would be suffocated by the fear of failure and the stress and anxiety of not achiving the result, and hence no passion at all. It will again be a mere reaction.

So is there any Passion which exists without the object of passion ? A state of mind which is all alone by itself. A state of mind independent of any reactions to getting rid of something or achieving something. The intensity so strong that it makes you live in the present only, the awareness of everything around you, the mind full of vigour and without a leak in energy. Such a passion alone would remove the dullness that we have cultivated.

[rahulrocks]

I give my complete attention to this activity of mine. I give it complete attention, the attention not created by thought but an attention which is not concentration. The voice of the fan is heard, a guy talking and the sound of the keystrokes being heard, the peripheral awareness of two sheets of paper flying in the air. The stillness and the thought arising as a result of the words that are being written are also in the awareness. The smiley that is moving here and there is also recognized.

Is there thought when there is complete attention ? The attention give to solve a problem. A problem such as finding the beginning of thougth. Is there thought when one has given his complete attention to find out the beginning of thought. It comes only when there is slight bit of inattention. Otherwise it is not.

The thinker also ceases when the thought ceases to exist and we come out of collective conditioning of a thousand of years.............

[rahulrocks]

So Yet again i supported Pune Warriors and yet again they lost. Initially they seemed like winning and the mind was happy about it, i could see the happiness and the pleasure that was being derived from it. Why does the mind derive a pleasure after supporting a particular team and if its winning the match ? When you are supporting a team, a nation, an ideology, a philosophy, a way of life, an opinion, and that opinion is winning the mind derives a certain pleasure from it. Does it not mean that you are winning. If your opinion is winning then you are winning. When you support a team, you are being identified with it. You have expanded the circumference of you center called me to now involve one more thing which is called a team. You are the team. So obviously you would get hurt if you loose.

I got really frustrated with the loss as the things did not go my way and then i found myself watching porn after the match. Was it a reaction to frustation. Not being able to cope up with what is and i turned towards an escape. An escape in which i could forget the frustration that i had. What would have happened if i would have remained with the frustration.

[rahulrocks]

It was chattering incessantly. One thought of going to the roof top and enjoy the stillness of the night. As one went by, one saw that the color of the night was blue. The sky was not filled with two many stars. The moon had only one start near it and there were some other scattered here and there. One began to inquire into why the mind is caught into various patterns and structures, from where it all began ? What created such structures in the mind. The structure of achievement, pleasure, pain and desire. Is it because one is imitating all the time and borrowed it from society. Is it because the brain cells are born with such a structure. In the inquiry one finds that all that one is inquiring about is already what is known to it. One is repeatedly asking the same questions and answering the same answers. One then tries to find out the nature of thought. One begins to question what is the beginning of thought ? The question is itself a thought and again the question is repeated as a thought. It is all the responses of the consciousness with all its knowledge and experience that it responds. So thought would always be from the already known, already experienced. One begins to observe a poll and starts wondering how does one look at the things. As soon as one looks at the poll, a thought pops-up..'thats a poll'. So if one is really interested in finding out the truth about the things it does not know, one has to look. And in order to look the past should not interfere. If one is already looking at the poll through the word 'poll' and all its associations then whatever one finds out will be just an additional informaiton to the already formed image of the poll. One looks at the moon and starts wondering, Can one look at the moon withouth the image of the moon, without the word moon ? one stares at that white circle and suddenly different thoughts pops-up. So one finds out that one is not able to look at the things without their images. The various thoughts and past information just appears as some kind of distractions to the observation. One then comes to the question of GOD and the various images that have been associated with the word. One has beleived in the past and there were answers to prayers always. So it seems that there is some GOD. But it is not necessarily what one has believed. One has never felt the god. Then one begins to inquire what it means to feel something. One touches a hard surface and feels it. There is touch and there is a thought that I am feeling it. To look and to listen one does not want the interference of the thought. Thats where real looking is possible. But thought always comes in between. Sometimes it does not. One is looking at wash basin without any interefernce of the thought. But after doing all this when comes back to the place, one finds that the mind has become slightly quite.

[Juliette ne pas]

Why must your words be so beautiful, so thought provoking, I'm jealous...

And yes to still my mind and to the upon the created things, to ponder who named them, why that name, what was it's original meaning.

I watch a humming bird out the window, a bumble bee and it's graceless flight.

Oh the rose. it's beauty and fragrance, listening to the wind gently rustling the leaves, which seem to whisper words in a language yet unknown to me.