Boyfriend has disappeared after a fight 11 days ago. What shall I do?

[Claire Smith]

My boyfriend was playing around a couple of weeks ago and said some things that offended me so I told him I was offended. He said sorry but I went on and asked him why he said those things. The last text he sent me 11 days ago was ''I dont know what to say to that. Im going to say bye now''. I sent him one happy easter email last week and have heard nothing. I dont even think he is checking his emails. I havent tried to contact him after this email.

 

We are very close and have together for over 2 years. Before the 'argument' he was telling me how much he missed me because i had been busy the week before.

 

I just dont know what to do.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

[charity]

have you called him?

[Claire Smith]

I haven't. He's in the middle of getting a new phone so I dont have a contact number at the moment for him. We live about 300 miles away from eachother too. I dont want to do anything drastic and go down to visit him.

[RitaTrue]

My boyfriend was playing around a couple of weeks ago and said some things that offended me so I told him I was offended. He said sorry but I went on and asked him why he said those things. The last text he sent me 11 days ago was ''I dont know what to say to that. Im going to say bye now.

 

I just dont know what to do.

 

Any advice is appreciated. Thanks.

 

He may have broken up with you

[Claire Smith]

Should I write him a letter? Im thinking the worst that he has broken up with me over such a small argument. I miss him so much.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Send him one last email. No apologies, not begging...just an email stating you haven't heard from him in a while and was making sure he is okay. Then see what he does. If he doesn't respond, let it go. If he indeed broke up with you then it is a cowardly way of breaking up. At any rate, going missing in action like this is inexcusable unless he is in a hospital. He is behaving very badly.

[RitaTrue]

Send him one last email. No apologies, not begging...just an email stating you haven't heard from him in a while and was making sure he is okay. Then see what he does. If he doesn't respond, let it go. If he indeed broke up with you then it is a cowardly way of breaking up. At any rate, going missing in action like this is inexcusable unless he is in a hospital. He is behaving very badly.

 

I agree with this.

[charity]

i think possibly he is annoyed because of the fight but rather then verbalising it to you he is choosing to use this time with no phone to have some space. if so, then yes its a bit childish and not warranted but perhaps the argument has effected him more then you thought?

[Claire Smith]

i think possibly he is annoyed because of the fight but rather then verbalising it to you he is choosing to use this time with no phone to have some space. if so, then yes its a bit childish and not warranted but perhaps the argument has effected him more then you thought?

 

I think you're right. It has affected him more than I thought because we rarely ever argue. Whenever we have had arguments in the past, he has shut me out completely. Though back then, he would reply to my emails at least after a week and come back and we would be great again. This time it has been 11 days.

 

Would sending him another email irritate him? Or should I wait for him to come back on his own? If so, How long should I wait? Im worried he might move on and forget about me. We have shared so much over the past 2 years and have always been close, like best friends.

[charity]

it depends on whether you feel responsibility for the argument. if you feel he has a right to be mad then i would send him one more e mail asking him to communicate and explaining that a relationship cannot work if the couple are using silent tretment for nearly 2 weekes. but if you genuinely feel he was wrong in the argument and this is his typical response to arguments then i would not reward this type of response by chasing after him.

[lavenderdove]

Is there a chance that his 'i'm going to say bye now' is his idea of a breakup? i.e., that he thinks you understand that means it's over? Perhaps he has actually broken up with you and you're thinking this is just a fight.

 

So I'd send him an email and tell him how you feel, as in, you haven't heard from him in 11 days and you were wondering what was going on... does his silence mean he considers you've broken up, or is he still angry with you? Then if you want to still be with him, tell him how you feel, that you don't want to break up and would like to talk about it and see him again. If he doesn't respond to that, then you have to assume he's broken up with you and start working on letting go and healing.

 

But if someone will break up with you over a small fight, then most likely he was either already thinking about breaking up and this tore it for him, or else he wasn't nearly as into the relationship as you thought he was.... i.e., it meant more to you than it did to him. And often, an LDR has a shelf life and people get tired of the distance and the trouble of an LDR... so he has a fight and thinks, 'this is b.s., we're fighting, she's not even in the same town as me, this isn't worth it i need to find a local GF'... so it could be several things that accumulated and not just that one fight, but him deciding that the disadvantages of an LDR plus whatever issues led to the fight means he's decided it isn't worth it to him. And some people who are not big talkers, especially if they're angry, may say something like he said and think that you understand that this was a break-up.

 

So you should focus on clarifying what really happened, i.e., was this just a fight and he is pouting, or was this a breakup... then you'll know what to do from there...

[Claire Smith]

On the day, we were chatting on MSN. Casually he said something that offended me and I logged off. He sent me an email saying ''no goodbye?''

 

and thats when I called him out on what he said and that it wasn't acceptable. He emailed back saying that he was joking and that if I really knew him I would know he was kidding. we were email back and forth to which I said ''why say those things if you dont mean it? I analysed what you said and I conclude that you subconsciously despise me'' To which he replied ''I dont know what to say to that. Im going to say bye now''

 

 

I over reacted, I admit because I was offended at some remarks he made (he said he was kidding). I don't know how to take the 'bye' he said, as we always say bye to eachother after a chat.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you got in a snit over a remark he made and I think owe him an apology. Maybe that is what he is waiting for. To jump to 'you subconsciously despise me' is really over dramatic frankly... you should never try to tell another person how they feel or what they think or it is a not so subtle form of attack. He apologized for something that offended you, then you counter attacked with a 'you never loved me' kind of drama....

 

So he may genuinely not know how to respond to that...

 

If you want him back, I'd first apologize to him and say you overreacted and are sorry for it (if you are). But if you genuinely think he despises you, why are you trying to stay with him? That alone should tell you why you need to apologize to him, i don't think that is what you think he thinks, i think you were really angry and trying to jab at him. So you need to apologize.

 

It may or may not work depending on how he feels about those kind of fights... some people will not tolerate overly dramatic confrontations that turn into you trying to psychoanalyze them for your own agenda. So you can try the apology, but he may or may not go for it.

[Claire Smith]

You're spot on. I did overreact and because I was angry and hurt, I said things in the heat of the moment to get at him. I dont actually think/believe he despises me at all.

 

Would a hand written letter be the best way to go? My gut instinct tells me it is because it's more personal.

[WhenWillILove]

Sounds like immature behavior.

[lavenderdove]

It doesn't matter how the apology is delivered, so handwritten or email is fine... just make sure it is sincere and you tell him how you are feeling and that you don't want to break up and would like to hear from him and understand why he was mad...

[Ms Darcy]

I wouldn't even want him back after all of this time.

[PaintWithLight]

I agree with Ms Darcy. if he resurfaces, can you really move past this kind of behavior? I think the ship has already set sail. This was a geographically difficult relationship that ran its course. I feel he was poised for a break up and this last snippy chat over MSN tore it for him. Do not make this more painful by chasing after him. I am sure there are lots of local guys who would love to spend time with you.

[Pinnacle]

I wouldn't even want him back after all of this time.

 

How can you say that? He said something that he didn't know that was going to offend her and right as he said it she just logs off? Just like that? For how much people preach communication is key to relationships she, did a very bad job of initially communicating her concerns and now he is doing just as bad right now. It's like a taste of her own medicine and she doesn't like it. Imagine how he felt when she didn't even say goodbye.

[Claire Smith]

It doesn't matter how the apology is delivered, so handwritten or email is fine... just make sure it is sincere and you tell him how you are feeling and that you don't want to break up and would like to hear from him and understand why he was mad...

 

 

An update:

 

I left it a few days and I didn't hear a thing from him, so I decided to send an apology letter stating it was my fault and that I miss him. He received the letter today and I got an email from him;

 

'' Hi 'my name',

 

I hope you're well. We should talk about what happened. Let me know when you'd be free to chat.

 

 

Love,

 

His name''

 

 

Is this is a positive sign?

[mhowe]

All depends on what you think of as positive.

 

He acted like a butt, walked out and went silent. You apologized --- and now he will talk to you.

 

If that is success in your book, ok. Somehow, I think you have just rewarded his poor behavior.

[Claire Smith]

I've emailed him back letting him know Im around tomorrow... Im nervous now.

[Claire Smith]

another update:

 

we had a long chat today and he said he doesnt think he can handle my temper and feels like he is stepping on egg shells.

 

What do I do to save this relationship? He hasnt ended things yet but he might soon - help!

[lilypadgirl]

Actually, after reading the entire post, I sympathize with both of you. It's not right for him to withdraw like that and disappear, but you did add a lot of drama and unfortunately, a lot of guys withdraw when they feel overwhelmed.

 

First you have to decide if that is something you can forgive him for and move past. Then you have to decide to really make a commitment to control your drama and improve your communication, whether for the sake of this relationship or future relationships if this doesn't work out.

 

I think that he ended his email with "Love" is a good sign. I think right now, he really needs to see/be reminded of that you have a peaceful, calm side. Right now, the best thing you can do is to tell him you understand and that you'll work on yourself and communication issues. Give him some time and let him know that you'll be here to talk about things when he's ready.

[Ms Darcy]

This guy has a foot out the door. The best thing you can do is to be calm, respect his perspective, tell him you are working on being less dramatic (even read a few books!), and give him space.