no soul

[fragmint]

If I had a dollar for every time someone said I had no soul, or that I was cold like steel, I would have a lot less problems caused by all the stress of being poor and having bills. Recently a friend gave me 3 books to read - a child called It, the lost boy, and a man called dave. if you know these books you'll know they are about surviving child abuse and moving on from it to become someone. I have never experienced child abuse before but after reading these books I just felt very unattached and unmoved. I was expecting to be blown away i guess because of all the hype and reviews. Instead the first book left a bad taste in my mouth - it just seemed like a long list of bad events with no emotion to them. I knew the situations were sad and the things done to the author were terrible - but I didn't feel sad at all or upset. I felt that it was rare (not impossible, but rare) that people can remember with such detail events from such an early time in their life, and also that our perceptions of the past or feelings from the past can cause our imagination to fill in the blanks a lot of the times. It isn't intentional but sometimes our mind embellishes things or exaggerates a story to protect our feelings, to validate our feelings, or protect our egos. I am in no way saying this man did not go through child abuse - I was only saying that I felt the story must be exaggerated or embellished because that is how our brain and our memory works and because of this embellishment it felt like iw as reading a horror story that didn't have a psychological aspect to it but just a lot of guts thrown in for a scare. I was discussing this with a sorority sister when she said I had no soul because I was not moved by these inspirational books. I was not very upset about her saying this because well - I"ve heard it a thousand times before.

 

but the longer i let it sit in my mind the more upset I started to get. To be honest I do think I am nice. I think I am a great friend. I consistently go out of my way to help others. I consistently show through little things and surprises I've done for others, out of just wanting to be nice and out of my own generosity just to make someone smile to make someone's day better. I am always doing my best when it comes to relationships. But for some reason I am cold and have no soul. I never feel like people appreciate me or understand me. what's wrong with being a little skeptical? people make up stories and exaggerate all the time to make money or to get attention. is it wrong to have both a soul AND a brain at the same time??

 

I just feel people take me for granted. I am always being polite and have manners towards others. I never care about getting 'credit' for doing something nice or bragging - but now I am starting to think maybe I should be more outward and 'loud' about what I do. I see jerks being praised for doing the littlest things because they made a big deal about it or wanted to write it all over their fb. I guess I wish i had that confidence. I wish I could proudly say I am good at something without feeling like I was being arrogant or mean to others. I am tired of people taking credit for things that I do and taking my actions for granted. I am tired of people taking advantage of me. and I'm tired of people saying I have no soul just because i can hold others accountable and stand up for myself. I am not a pushover and I'm tired of acting like one.

 

Today I am here because I had a huge argument with a friend. I really like this friend and sometimes she can be very aggressive and a little bit pushy but I never minded. Well today she went a bit too far and being as I have lately become tired of being pushed around - I demanded she clean up the ice cream she knocked out of my hand before she left my apartment. It seems so silly typing this all out - we are in our 20s and she did such a childish thing to me and then tried to walk away. I decided I wasn't going to clean up and that she was being mean and I needed to stand up for myself. I refused to let her leave until it was done and stood in the door way until she finally gave in. Then she refused to return my book to me. In the midst of exchanging insults and demands to each other she finally gave in and threw my book on the ground then blew up in my face and brought up some really sore subjects that I deal with with my life and family. I got pissed and let her out while slamming the door. I don't know why I'm so upset but I just am about all of this. I don't know why every time I try to stand up for myself I feel so terrible like I'M the one being an * * * * * * * when really I know I've done nothing wrong. Why is it that every time I stand up for myself I feel like I'm the one being mean. I'm tired of the mentality that confronting others is being mean. I'm tired of people telling me to 'turn the other cheek' when I'm the one who's never fought back violently or physically but only by confronting others and holding others accountable for their actions. I'm just so sick of feeling bad for feeling bad. I'm starting to think maybe i SHOULD be acting like I have no soul so I can protect myself. In the past year and a half I've been through a lot of changes and probably have cried more than I have in my entire life combined. I cry almost every week at least twice. I'm just so tired and exhausted over everything in my life and today I really broke down and needed to vent.

[redrose85]

You have a soul, because everyone does, and if you didn’t, you wouldn’t be upset right now. It sounds like your friend’s actions broke the proverbial camel’s back, and you have finally had enough of being kicked around. Harness that energy and use it to your advantage. If you’re particularly good at something, be proud of it. There’s no need to be all “in your face” about it, but be proud and share that attitude with others. What has been going on in your life that has brought you to this point?

[redrose85]

link removed

[fragmint]

i guess you're right i am just finally tired of being kicked around so much. i never intend to be in anyone's face about anything and people generally leave me alone and like me. but at the same time people also take advantage of me being so nice to others. thanks for the link - i actually think i've done most of those things already and it's made me a lot happier and accepting of myself which i've had a lot of problems with before but I still can't get over a few of those like living up to someone else's expectations and negative thoughts and i'm trying to work on it. a lot of stuff has happened in the past couple of months that's really made me upset inside but i just don't know where to turn to. i'm always the person everyone dumps their secrets and rants into while I have no where to go for myself.

 

i just feel like i can never win, like i'm a loser. anytime i go into anything I can never reach the top. i'm always 'the best back up'. Always 2nd or 3rd place. If I'm such a good back up why can't I just be 1st place? I guess I never really cared about being 1st place until recently when I realized I deserve it. I feel like a jerk even typing that but I really feel like it's true. I've always been the best at what I do in my environment or within groups I join but I'm always the back up, I'm always the one who has to run around in circles to help others without getting any credit, I'm always the one taking the responsibility and dealing with others' mess ups for the sake of the group or organization i'm in. I always admit when I'm wrong and I'm the type to do it fast so that I can get help and complete whatever task properly. I stay very focused on getting hte job done right . I'm just tired of not getting any credit and then being called a b**** when I stand up for myself. I'm never violent or aggressive I just don't back down and I guess people don't like that. I wish I had the confidence to get where I want. I know I have everything else but every time I try to move up in something people give me crap for it like I'm stirring up the pot. A part of me feels like they are just jealous and being 'haters' but another part of me lets it get to me and makes me feel bad when I know I'm not doing anything wrong. I"m just so tired of being expected to be a push over. I'm taking some time away from socializing so much this week from people just to calm down.

[fragmint]

I've been home for a week and it's been a bittersweet experience. I'm really happy to be here but at the same time it can be really painful and hurtful around here. I guess its just a lot of little things have been getting to me. All I ever get are criticisms and insults here. Can't even tell if they mean them or not anymore but I mean repeatedly hearing that I'm fat, look terrible, and I'm a complete failure at everything is starting to get to me. I guess in a way I am sort of used to it but maybe I've become more sensitive recently. I mean occasionally they do nice things for me that show they care somewhat but then they say those things and it just hurts. I wish was secure and confident enough to be more of myself around home since that is one big issue that stresses me out a lot - I always feel like I have to try to pretend to be someone else to try to fit in here and be accepted and even then it's not enough apparently. I just have no confidence and I feel awkward trying to even dress nicer or look good around here because all it results in is being made fun of . Oops laptop is dying I need to continue another time but it feels good to get some of this out of my head...