Have I set myself up for failure?

[coco9]

This may be long so bare with me. I am almost 28 yrs old and never really been single. I will post a timeline to shorten it a bit, but would like some outsider advice. I will say before I post that I have never had a positive male romodel in my life, not sure I'd maybe that could affect my relationships, but it's possible. Even when my parents were married my dad was never around (traveling)

-age 15-18 dated "Tom" he was my first love, mutual break up, a week later he was with another girl, got her pregnant. I was hurt, as we had intentions to reconcile.

-age 19-22 dated "Dan" he was very nice, treated me amazing, he proposed and I accepted. He was very clingy and I decided i decided I was too young (he was 6 yrs older) and I ended things.

-age 22-24 dated "Josh" he was a huge partier and in to drugs, I turned to drugs while with him, it wasn't my proudest year. He cheated on me and physically abused me, mentally and emotionally abused me as well. I ended things in 2008. A month after we broke up he died of a drug overdose. I have never dealt with this. I ignore it, pretend he is ok somewhere and we don't talk. Probably not healthy but that's what I have done.

-age 24-present, dating "Dean" I met him before my ex died, we connected, he was opposite of my ex and I was drawn to him. Three months after dating I discover I am pregnant, and when our daughter is 1.5 while I was on birth control, find out I am pregnant again. I have 2 children with my boyfriend. Our relationship didn't grow I feel as a normal healthy relationship does. We were rushed. I love him, he loves me, but sometimes doesn't feel like enough. We never got to do normal couple stuff when we were dating. I feel our relationship is more of business partners than love. We do show affection here and there, not as much as I would like.

 

I feel I have never gotten to know myself. My likes and hobbies. I have always been part of someone else. I don't feel It's I cant be alone, everytime I plan to be single, I meet someone and get into a 2-4 yr relationship. Have I set myself up for failure because of this? I want my current relationship to work, but fear I may have sabotaged it by my past. I would just like some different thoughts/ opinions on my situation and if I can make this relationship work or has my lack of being alone set me up to fail? Thanks

 

 

Oh and I quit drugs in early 2008 before ending things with "Josh" and have been clean ever since and turned my life around in a positive direction.