coco9 Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 This may be long so bare with me. I am almost 28 yrs old and never really been single. I will post a timeline to shorten it a bit, but would like some outsider advice. I will say before I post that I have never had a positive male romodel in my life, not sure I'd maybe that could affect my relationships, but it's possible. Even when my parents were married my dad was never around (traveling) -age 15-18 dated "Tom" he was my first love, mutual break up, a week later he was with another girl, got her pregnant. I was hurt, as we had intentions to reconcile. -age 19-22 dated "Dan" he was very nice, treated me amazing, he proposed and I accepted. He was very clingy and I decided i decided I was too young (he was 6 yrs older) and I ended things. -age 22-24 dated "Josh" he was a huge partier and in to drugs, I turned to drugs while with him, it wasn't my proudest year. He cheated on me and physically abused me, mentally and emotionally abused me as well. I ended things in 2008. A month after we broke up he died of a drug overdose. I have never dealt with this. I ignore it, pretend he is ok somewhere and we don't talk. Probably not healthy but that's what I have done. -age 24-present, dating "Dean" I met him before my ex died, we connected, he was opposite of my ex and I was drawn to him. Three months after dating I discover I am pregnant, and when our daughter is 1.5 while I was on birth control, find out I am pregnant again. I have 2 children with my boyfriend. Our relationship didn't grow I feel as a normal healthy relationship does. We were rushed. I love him, he loves me, but sometimes doesn't feel like enough. We never got to do normal couple stuff when we were dating. I feel our relationship is more of business partners than love. We do show affection here and there, not as much as I would like. I feel I have never gotten to know myself. My likes and hobbies. I have always been part of someone else. I don't feel It's I cant be alone, everytime I plan to be single, I meet someone and get into a 2-4 yr relationship. Have I set myself up for failure because of this? I want my current relationship to work, but fear I may have sabotaged it by my past. I would just like some different thoughts/ opinions on my situation and if I can make this relationship work or has my lack of being alone set me up to fail? Thanks Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coco9 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 This may be long so bare with me. I am almost 28 yrs old and never really been single. I will post a timeline to shorten it a bit, but would like some outsider advice. I will say before I post that I have never had a positive male romodel in my life, not sure I'd maybe that could affect my relationships, but it's possible. Even when my parents were married my dad was never around (traveling) -age 15-18 dated "Tom" he was my first love, mutual break up, a week later he was with another girl, got her pregnant. I was hurt, as we had intentions to reconcile. -age 19-22 dated "Dan" he was very nice, treated me amazing, he proposed and I accepted. He became very clingy and possessive and I decided i decided I was too young (he was 6 yrs older) and I ended things. -age 22-24 dated "Josh" he was a huge partier and in to drugs, I turned to drugs while with him, it wasn't my proudest year. He cheated on me and physically abused me, mentally and emotionally abused me as well. I ended things in 2008. A month after we broke up he died of a drug overdose. I have never dealt with this. I ignore it, pretend he is ok somewhere and we don't talk. Probably not healthy but that's what I have done. -age 24-present, dating "Dean" I met him before my ex died, we connected, he was opposite of my ex and I was drawn to him. Three months after dating I discover I am pregnant, and when our daughter is 1.5 while I was on birth control, find out I am pregnant again. I have 2 children with my boyfriend. Our relationship didn't grow I feel as a normal healthy relationship does. We were rushed. I love him, he loves me, but sometimes doesn't feel like enough. We never got to do normal couple stuff when we were dating. I feel our relationship is more of business partners than love. We do show affection here and there, not as much as I would like. I feel I have never gotten to know myself. My likes and hobbies. I have always been part of someone else. I don't feel It's I cant be alone, everytime I plan to be single, I meet someone and get into a 2-4 yr relationship. Have I set myself up for failure because of this? I want my current relationship to work, but fear I may have sabotaged it by my past. I would just like some different thoughts/ opinions on my situation and if I can make this relationship work or has my lack of being alone set me up to fail? Thanks Oh and I quit drugs in early 2008 before ending things with "Josh" and have been clean ever since and turned my life around in a positive direction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memento Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I think you should forget about your likes and hobbies and knowing yourself and focus on making sure your kids grow up to be healthy and functioning children. Unfortunately likes and hobbies are luxuries you may not have for a while. Be happy that at least you've never been alone since you've been 15, many people here have always have been alone. Getting pregnant after just three months of dating altered the course of your relationship which is why it's more like a business, but it's good he's being a man about it. I don't know the intricacies of your relationship with "Dean" so I can't comment on whether or not it can work. But you should have a healthy relationship with the father of your children regardless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coco9 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 Will add, I feel I am always indecisive. I don't know what I want! One week I will think I will start one thing, next week I will want to do opposite. Why!? I am not confident in any decision I make. I question everything! I lovenmt boyfriend, but feel one week I think I should be alone, a few weeks later, will want to plan future with him. I find I make bad decisions, I don't trust myself. I really want this to work as he is the father of my kids and I do love him. I don't think I have ever been this honest before in how I feel, ever, I need advice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coco9 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 Sorry. I am using my phone and it seems my message is all over. I mean by likes and hobbies, is I don't feel I know myself, I don't trust myself in making decisions. My children are my 1 priority! But I feel since I have never known who I am, like really am, I have sabotaged myself in any relationship. If that makes sense? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coco9 Posted March 13, 2012 Author Share Posted March 13, 2012 Also, I don't find anything negative about being alone. I wish I spent some of my younger years focusing on myself instead of a relationship. When I see a single woman who is single and has a career, that is empowering to me, I envy that. I spent a good 14 years focused on relationships, mostly failed. I wish I had done something for me, something to better me! I don't know, I guess my question is ALL OVER the place.. If someone can decipher a bit of what I mean and comment, it would be appreciated, I just feel like an emotional mess and my head is all over Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
memento Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I think that with being fully alone on your own, meeting new people, traveling, trying new things, and having new experiences, you find out who you are and what you like. You seem like you have enough knowledge to have some insight on what you like and don't like, you just may need some time alone without the dynamics of a relationships weighting on you. I don't think you sabotaged any relationships, they lasted an average of 2 years and that's good! I don't have a single relationship lasting over 2 years and we're around the same age.. I would advise getting more alone time to yourself to figure out better what you want and like, but that COULD sabotage your current relationship. Suggestion: You could take a few courses at your local community college to help expand your mind a little bit, if you haven't already. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CalonLan Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 if I can make this relationship work or has my lack of being alone set me up to fail? Thanks Whatever you believe is correct. Failure or victory, it's a choice you make. Being single offers time and space to examine yourself. To get to know yourself, your values, your principles. It allows you to choose the course before you set the sail. But this opportunity is many times not used at all. So don't worry whether you have wasted your time or not. Because it just doesn't matter right now. The only moment worth living is right now, and hold no regrets to learning about life and people whatever age you are. You can only regret it if you never do. There's a lot of good material on self-improvement. Read ''the 7 habits of highly effective people''. It will help you get started in a great way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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