4.5 yr relationship.. Not sure if he has lost interest

[coco9]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just about 4.5 yrs, we have 2 daughters together as well (Happened pretty quick in to the relationship) Things have always been a bit tough, but we have always made it through and do love each other. My family does not live near me, they live on the other side of the country, so I try to take the girls out as often as I can to visit. My boyfriend never has an interest in flying out with me, I invited him to my cousins wedding in the fall and he originally said he would do his best to go, I was thrilled, then yesterday he tells me he booked his holidays for July (nothing planned, just taking holidays) when I mentioned the wedding in the fall (he was going to use 1 week of his holidays so he could come) he said he couldn't go. I feel like he isn't making an effort. I was a stay at home mom for 2.5 years and just recently picked up a job in the evenings, so we don't see each other often although this job I just started last week.

 

I flew to visit my family in January with my daughters and stayed 6 weeks! He got 6 weeks to himself..I asked him if he could set up our youngest daughters room while I was gone so it would be ready for her when we got back, he said he would, well got back and it wasn't done, I ended up waking up 5 am the next day and doing it myself.. I feel since I have been back he is picking fights with me over everything and anything, we got in to a big fight last week and I was going to leave since he was acting nasty and pretty much started putting me down. My flight was just about booked when we decided to work things out, but now I just feel hesitant about our relationship and he just seems distant, doesn't text me back (he is at work, so could be busy, but normally he will text me) just gives me a forehead kiss when he leaves for work, when he gets home I have to run out the door to make it to my job and by the time I get home he is in to his video games and I usually just go to sleep...We do have our good times and I would love for this to work, I just feel like he has no interest anymore..I am not too sure if maybe I am just thinking more in to it than I should.. Any advice? We are both in our late 20's. Thanks

[princessinblue]

Try talking to him about how your feeling. Don't blame him for anything, but tell him you feel like there has been a lot of distance between the two of you and you would like to try and fix it. See if you can make more time for eachother or see if you can do something special even if its only one day a week for now.

[abitbroken]

Firstly, do you work? Or are you home with the kids? If your bf is working and you are not, he can't take 6 weeks off to go visit your family. If he already had to tell his employer his days off early in the year and either didn't know about the wedding in the fall yet, or his boss told him he couldn't have the days because someone else was senior to him or its their busy time, he does only what he can do. Remember, he is working so plane tickets for you and two small children to go to all these trips can be afforded.

 

You also say "i invited him to my cousin's wedding" - that sounds odd. If he lives with you and has two daughters with you, unless the family is extremely conservative, wouldn't the invite go to "coco9 and Coco9's guy" versus "coco9 and guest?" or even if he was lited as guest, wouldn't it be "honey, WE have been invited to Cousin Lulu's weding. It's September 1st. Do you think we can go?"

 

That is the biggest problem I see with unmarried living together or un married parents living together - it is still "me and "you".

And also, how welcome does he feel at your folks house for 6 weeks - does he listen to comments about "how come you don't marry my daughter?"

 

I know you are not married, but at this point, shouldn't it not be "i am going to do this, and i will be upset that he won't come" or is it time things should be decided on what's best for the family. Sometimes you have to pick and choose. Maybe the FAMILY - meaning you and your boyfriend look at everything and decide "okay, if cousin Lulu's wedding is important, that means we have to eliminate one trip to see family this year." "or it means that we can't go to disney or we can't afford to build the swingset this year." It just sounds from the way you presented it that you have this social calendar and you are upset your bf won't keep up with it.

[coco9]

I do work evenings and stay at home with the kids during the day. I am not upset about some social calendar, for 3 years I have been asking if he would fly out to see my family as I have some family who wants to meet him still. He does NOT pay for plane tickets! My family does, my family has offered to fly him out, oh and my family and I are the ones who pay for everything while I am gone. I do not expect him to take 6 weeks off lol Maybe fly out for a week. The wedding was brought up a while ago, invitations have not been sent yet, the invitation will be addressed to us both, I just asked him ahead of time if he thinks this time he could make it out to go with me (since I will 100% be going) he said he will do his best to make it out, I was thrilled! Then 1 week after I asked him and he said he would try, he said he booked his holidays for July, I asked if he plans on coming to the wedding still and he asked when the wedding was again (I told him it was September originally, he forgot) and he said No he wont be coming. It upsets me because he doesn't make an effort, I will go anywhere to meet more of his family, but it's like as soon he sees a moment he can be alone he takes it. I have not had a day off since having my kids, yet he has had a total of 4 months with all the trips (to visit family) I have taken with them alone. I give him plenty of notice before going (6mos-1yr), he just doesn't seem to care to make the effort. I do not get mad about him not wanting to keep up with my social calendar, I ask him once a year if he thinks this year he could fly with me to meet my family (he has met my mom and some of my sisters, only because they flew here) he takes days off work to stay home and play video games but can't book 2 days off in September to do something that would mean a lot to me? He is lazy and kind of selfish (not just talking about this problem) he puts himself and his wants above anything else, which is what I have a hard time with. I have spoke to him about helping me more with the kids instead of coming home and playing videos until everyone is asleep. I don't have this huge social calendar,again, I would just like him to show an effort and show an interest in where I am from, If I ask him to come for a walk with the girls and I on a weekend, he wont, he wont do anything with us as a family unless it's going to visit his family, which doesn't happen often.. I feel like I am by myself and doing this alone with an uninterested partner. I want things to work, not sure how to go about it though.

 

Oh and he can book his holidays whenever he wants, last year he booked them a week before he took them., he doesn't have to do it early in the year. He booked the first 2 weeks of July because its his birthday. He could easily go to his job and ask to use one week in September, he just wont though, because meeting my family doesn't seem to be a priority to him.

[YakasJourney]

It sounds like this is a more general problem, rather than just about flying to see your family. I mean, he won't take a walk with you and the kids on a weekend? That's a lot more troubling. It's one thing to drag your feet about flying out to see in-laws (there are a lot of reasons, some legitimate, that someone might do this)...but quite another to actively avoid participating in life with you and the children and play video games instead.

[Ms Darcy]

It does sound like he's not particularly interested in you but is kinda "stuck" in the relationship. Have you talked to him about the future, marriage and whether he is happy?

[coco9]

I have asked him about the future and whether he is happy. He claims he does want to stay with me and he is happy, although a few times when we have gotten in to a fight he will say he isn't. I will tell him he needs to figure out what he wants, and if it's not me, that's ok, if he needs space, I can take the girls and go for a while so he can figure out what he wants. Every time he will tell me he loves me and wants me back and only said that in anger. I have still given him space to figure stuff out, and he will say he wants me back. As far as marriage goes, from day 1 he told me he isn't sure about it since every marriage he sees fails, before we were dating he told me this. So I am not too concerned about getting married, if we end up getting married, great! If not, it doesn't bother me a whole lot, as long as we are happy together. He does refer to his future with me in it, us buying a house, us making plans, us doing things now to better our future together. To be fair, he isn't an outdoorsy person at all...He hates walking (he drives to the store accross the street) I just wish that he would make time or "suck it up" once in a while to do things as a family. If I were to leave it to him, we would be indoors, in our house, all the time. The weather is starting to get nicer, so I am hoping that would encourage him to come out. We are getting a new vehicle as well , hopefully this week, so hoping that will encourage him to want to go out as a family and do things as well (current truck is on last legs) so he doesn't like to take it out, but I understand that, he needs it to get to work. It just seems at times he has no interest, of course things aren't as exciting as they were before, we have been together almost 5 years and have 2 kids, I just want him to show more interest in me.

[abitbroken]

If you don't really care if you marry or not, even considering your children, how excited is this guy supposed to feel about things if you could take it or leave it?

 

I think you guys are not acting as a family unit or joined unit. I think that your family is interfering by paying for tickets to get you out there for 6 weeks. I mean, you should be making decisions as a couple and what you can afford as a couple. It's like a married couple who has decided that they can afford a modest starter home in a certain neighborhood, and then the parents buying them in a home in a neighborhood the parents want. It looks like a gift to one person, but meddling by the other. My ex had a family who would send him plane tickets or pay for his way with no regard for our plans. And I could not possibly go with my ex because I couldn't get off of work or I couldn't afford to pay my way. and then it became a power play over what his family could provide versus what I wanted or could provide. I have gotten feedback from men in my life, that if the role was reversed and someone was footing the bill for their wife or girlfriend and they couldn't, they would feel emasculated. In my case, i was a woman and my ex was a guy but it still felt rotten as we lived together as a couple and ultimately married.

 

I mean.. come on.,., 6 weeks is a month and a half away. that's not even reasonable. also, if you are out of state from your entire family, there will always be second cousins and extended people he won't meet and not for not wanting to. As long as he has met your immediate family (siblings and their spouses, parents, etc,) its fine.

 

Some people's response to a battle they can't win is to just throw their chips in and not act or do anything or completely push the other way. And maybe that is what he is doing even if he doesn't immediately realize it.

 

As far as outdoors - you said he is not an outdoors person. then take the kids outdoors and don't nag him. Find something that you ALL like to do as a family. Maybe thats chuck e cheese or something and not the park. Maybe that's going to the movies.

 

I know you are saying "you work evenings." You just STARTED working evenings so you have to let the new routine get established for awhile. You can't say that you worked all this time so have contributed all this time financially.

[coco9]

I wasn't planning on going 6 weeks.. My sisters boyfriend hung himself 2 weeks into the visit, I stayed to support her. I visit my family once a year so they can see the girls, my family (except my mom) hadn't met our youngest yet who is 6 months old. I want my kids to know my family, I usually go 2-4 weeks, and to be honest, my boyfriend LOVES the alone time, he is always supportive when I visit my family, I just wish he would fly with us once, if even for a weekend. I am not asking a lot. I am fine in our relationship as long as we are happy, meaning I won't push him to marry me if it's not something he is comfortable with. Yes, we could do indoor things, he really doesn't like to leave the house much at all. I do not nag him about walks, I ask once "hey you wanna come with us?" and he says no, I leave to get the kids some fresh air, I wish he would be interested in coming out with us as a family.

[coco9]

I also think you misread, I am not asking him to go anywhere in 6 weeks. I was gone for 6 weeks.. Wedding is in September and I give him 6-12 mos notice before I go visit my family.. Yes, I just started working, I just had a baby 6 mos ago. He pays rent and groceries, all child related stuff, I buy and have since my first was born. Now that I am working I can contribute more financially to other bills.. He has never been asked to pay my travel exps, nor would he pay them.