AFuchs17 Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hey all, First, thank you for reading, and please if you have something insightful to say I would love to hear it-good or bad. That said, here is my situation. I have been dating a girl for about two years now. We were friends before we started dating-but not extremely close. Eventually we hit it off, but we were both getting out of a relationship at the time...both of them long term relationships. She lived with her boyfriend, and I lived with my parents. We were both straight out of school working pretty crappy paying jobs. She couldn't afford a place on her own, I wanted to move out of my parents place...aaaand I jumped into a pretty rash decision to move in with her. She was completely in love with the idea, and I was in a pretty weird place after having broken up with my girlfriend who I had been dating forever. I don't think I would have made that same decision to live together so soon again. I am now back in school and working towards becoming a veterinarian, while she moved towns to be with me. But after moving and trying to meet new people in my class and attempting to form some close friendships, I am feeling extremely held back by her. She is an extremely sweet girl and she would do anything for me. She would never hurt me for any reason, and she is really all about me. In some ways, that is awesome and a guy couldn't ask for anything more. In some ways, though, I can't breath. If I don't have something for us to do, she doesn't do anything. Yes, she works of course, but once she gets home she is looking to me for her next move or she is falling asleep on the couch. I don't have any fun really when I take her to social things with my classmates because she gets pretty jealous (there are a ton of girls in my class, none of whom I am interested in and I would never do anything to hurt her like that). So, if I go somewhere without her, then I feel guilty for not bringing her with me. She makes no attempts to make friends of her own. More often than not, now, I just skip trying to go out and be social altogether now just to avoid having to make a decision or, for lack of a better way to say it, dragging her around with me all night. More and more I have been thinking I just want to be single. I know she wants to marry me. I can just feel it and and I don't see her going anywhere else. It would be nice if I was wrong or (ironically) if I wasn't so comfortable knowing that she is not going anywhere. It sounds like a terrible thing to complain about, but honestly it's driving me insane. I would even try to stay with her in a relationship if I could just live by myself for a while. I like to be social, but I also like my alone time. I get neither alone time nor social time right now living with her. I often go back and forth in my mind about what I want to do with this relationship. On the one hand, I think I could eventually marry her if I was ready. On the other hand, I know I am not in that place right now and I believe she is. She is a great person...just not too much motivation and she the rest of her life outside of me is pretty bleak right now. Her parents just got divorced-something her mom loves to call and cry to her about nightly. Breaking up with her I think would absolutely devastate her, and the moving out process would be rough. Staying with her would be rough on me about 50% of the time and just fine the rest of the time. It's never great, and it's not usually horrible--it just means I do a whole lot of what I'm doing right now-internalization. I think she is depressed and I am what she is clinging to right now. On top of that, I often feel like I am just unhappy with other areas of my life and that she is just the unlucky outlet I am blaming (only in my head) for the unhappiness and stressful life I am leading as a vet student. School is rough, and it's not much easier with this on my mind 23/24 hours a day. I am not sure whether to just take the plunge and break up with her-or to continue to wait it out because she probably deserves that much from me at least. But if I wait it how-how long do I give it? And is it wrong to break up with someone who loves you just because you're unhappy (knowing that the unhappiness may have nothing to do with her)? I am stuck in a rut. I used to be a really energetic and easy to be around kind of guy. I can tell right now that I kind of repel people because I am often that unhappy. I think it's easy to sense when people aren't quite right, even if they are doing their best to hide it. Basically, I have lost my mojo and I need it back soon because my days are grey. PLEASE-any thoughts let me know. I would love to hear your insights and talk out your issues as well. Thanks!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feelgooddrag Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Man, that sucks. What about joining some things that she CAN'T be a part of? Like joining a bowling league, going to a bar with classmates for a game, or happy hour right after class, etc. You know--guy stuff. Also, have you tried encouraging her to do the same? Or to go talk to someone about the depression? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFuchs17 Posted March 11, 2012 Author Share Posted March 11, 2012 Yeah I have talked to her about it. I don't think she will do anything new until she has to-that is, until we are not together anymore. I suppose I could talk to her one last time and tell her just how serious I am. I just hate giving an ultimatum...I feel like I am telling her "change yourself or else." But I guess that is sort of what I'm telling her if I do that. I have talked to her about being depressed-which she is...I know because I have been there myself and I have gotten help. So, two people depression prone, living together and one of whom has no support system behind her whatsoever? winning combination, I know. Thanks for the reply. I will give it one more shot. If no luck, I will have to start trying to figure out how to break up and go about moving out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YakasJourney Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 First, don't do anything crazy. It sounds to me like you guys are in love and have a connection. Now, this often occurs in relationships where both people start to figure out that you can't meet all your needs through one other person. Your girlfriend NEEDS other women to be friends with, where she can be a girl. And you NEED both time to yourself and also social time. Both of you need this, and you may need to explain it to her. Sometimes I think of it in thirds: time by yourself, time with your spouse, and time with other people. These all need to be balanced. Now in a serious relationship, your spouse always has to come first before other people, so in times of conflict, you stay home and talk it out. In times of sickness, you take care of each other. Even if your partner just wants to have a night of falling asleep on the couch and wants you to be there next to her, you do it. That's just how a relationship works. BUT, barring those situations, you need to be free to choose which "1/3" you need, and pursue it. That means if you need time to yourself, you need to be at a point in your relationship where you can say "Hey, I need some me time today. I'm going to work out, do some shopping, visit a friend, get something for my hobby..." WHATEVER. You should be able to say that to her and have it not be a problem. Also, she should have her own things that she does. And you should also have things you do together! Being in school is tough, especially grad school...so I empathize with you there. I think your best move is to talk to her, put this all out on the table. And then slowly start being a little more independent. Basically, it's up to you--if you like this girl enough, be patient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFuchs17 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 But how patient is too patient? If I have talked to her about this a few times now, then what? She has made zero effort to have a life outside of me. And with school as insane as it is-I sometimes have enough time for a couple other '1/3's' of my life per week. I definitely understand what you are saying-some nights staying in together are necessary of course. But right now some night is every night. We have no friends, no social life. I am embarrassed to bring her out with me because she wont talk to anyone! I hate that my school buddies think I have a mute for a girlfriend-I know she can talk, I've heard her! Anyway, just beyond frustrated because she is such a sweet, caring girlfriend. She just has no motivation, no wants or needs outside of me that I can see...or none that she pursues at least. I'm definitely going to talk to her and give this until summer. Past that, I think I have no more patience for. Come summer, I will decide. And then our lease is up in August anyway. She will be crushed if we end up breaking up, but then she won't have a choice but to help herself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AFuchs17 Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 I sometimes feel like I am wasting my life, and hers! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.