Age Difference

[Heidern]

My ex (24) left me for a younger guy (19) after we were together for 6 years (we were each other's first). According to her she didn't leave me for him, but rather because I have way too many issues. BU happened 6 months ago, but their relationship started before that happened.

 

During the initial stages of our BU I noticed that she got in this argument with her brother, which I thought was a bit interesting. Her brother doesn't like the guy. One day she goes on Facebook and posts something about how you should never act on your urges when desperate, that you shouldn't just jump into a new relationship with the first guy/girl you see out there just because you aren't happy. Her brother tells her that she should take her own advice because this is exactly what she is doing. She the goes on about how that wasn't her case, because she's really young, beautiful and isn't desperate. She also mentioned how the guys who seemed ideal for her in his view (i.e. me) weren't so great, that a lot of them came with too much garbage (yes she said this) and too many problems. He then responds by saying she's settling and that her head isn't right.

 

So, here's the interesting part: she keeps the discussion going by arguing that maybe this guy isn't that great but at least he's "clean" (young, doesn't have a lot of experience, hasn't wronged her) and that he's very mature despite his age. So, my guess is that in a way she's with him because she truly believes she can help him become the man she wants by shaping him into that. My question is did anyone out there date someone younger thinking they could pull this off? How much success can you expect out of this kind of plan?

 

BTW, the fact that she'd rather invest several years in this "project" rather than deal with her own issues says a lot about her state of mind. But hey, it may end up working for her, right?

[Ms Darcy]

To the greatest extent possible dont try to think through or figure out her motivations. What were all of your problems that she referenced?

[Heidern]

The ones she mentioned prior to our BU was not being decisive enough and being too indifferent at times. These are two things I focused on for the last 2 years of our relationship. I set some goals, talked to her about them and completed them. As far as the second issue goes I rearranged my work schedule so we could spend a lot more time together, but I believe that the beginning of that stage she was already looking at the other guy.

 

Also, I'm not trying to figure out her motivations (spent enough time doing that already). Bottom line is when you don't want to be with someone you can either be mature about it and break up with honesty or you can pick and choose as many flaws as you want to validate your decision. I'm curious to know if anyone else around here had a similar experience.

 

BTW she had dumped me a couple of times in the past about 1-2 years into our relationship. During those times she always seemed to be interested in other guys, but never started relationships with them. This time around we were engaged, so it's not like I wasn't committed to us. I think this guy was the perfect excuse for her to bail out, but this time she blamed me for everything.

 

Thanks!

[Zero71]

My ex's rebound was 2 years younger than her. I'm 24, she's 21, and he's 19. He wasn't a bad guy but he's clearly naive and very inexperience. The kid couldn't hold a candle to me. A few months later she came back and we had an affair without the actual sex. She needed a man instead of a boy so came running back for a fix. I already knew she was just settling because it was painfully obvious she wasn't that into him especially with the way we were making out. I told her that she should just end it, but she couldn't because she felt that he needs her. She compared the relationship to a mother/child. They broke up a month later.

 

Now she is in a new relationship. She was too afraid of giving our r/s another try and she got involve with one of her guy friends. I don't see it working just like the rebound. I wouldn't worry about your ex Heidern. Your ex sounds like mines except that my ex girlfriend took responsibility for the relationship failing. Your ex likely have low self-esteem. I think she just looking for a guy she could treat any other way just to make herself feel better.

[Ms Darcy]

That must have been very frustrating for you. It's a very good thing that she is out of your life so you don't have to deal with that instability any longer.

[Carus]

But hey, it may end up working for her, right?

My ex left me for another and they are still together to this day, 3 years later...So the answer to your question there is Yes, it could....

 

So I'll agree with Ms Darcy*....Try and think about something else...

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[Heidern]

BU definitely took my confidence down. I'm still wondering to this day why on Earth she would pick a guy 5 years younger over me. The day we broke up I confronted her about it and she admitted to liking the guy, but never admitted to having romantic conversations with him until someone else sent them to me. I asked what it was exactly that she liked about him and she said that first of all it had happened a while ago (lies) and that she didn't know, that the guy wasn't really comparable to me and that she just wanted the honeymoon stage once more. Oh well, soon I'm going on a 1 month vacation to another country and plan to do tons of dating there. Hopefully that will drive the final nail in the coffin.

[The_Seeker]

BU definitely took my confidence down. I'm still wondering to this why on Earth she would pick a guy 5 years younger over me. Oh well, soon I'm going on a 1 month vacation to another country and plan to do tons of dating there. Hopefully that will drive the final nail in the coffin.

 

Here are my reasons:

- Fun

- I feel sexy I can attract a guy younger than me.

- Knows how to party

- Popular

- Hotter?

- Shows me off to his friends?

- Makes me feel good about myself?

- Can't explain. He got something you don't know why.

 

 

oOohh ANOTHER COUNTRY? And you're complaining about your ex?!

 

GO LIVE YOUR LIFE! My god, if someone ever dump me and i'm going to another country, I research all the fun activities in that country and learn the language there!

[Heidern]

Here are my reasons:

- Fun

- I feel sexy I can attract a guy younger than me.

- Knows how to party

- Popular

- Hotter?

- Shows me off to his friends?

- Makes me feel good about myself?

- Can't explain. He got something you don't know why.

 

 

oOohh ANOTHER COUNTRY? And you're complaining about your ex?!

 

GO LIVE YOUR LIFE! My god, if someone ever dump me and i'm going to another country, I research all the fun activities in that country and learn the language there!

I guess those are all pretty good reasons, just wouldn't expect that out of someone who swore she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Oh well!

 

And yeah, it's gonna be tons of fun. Going with my brother to visit our third brother and yes, we speak the language and the female-to-male ratio is 2:1. I guess a year from now I'll be wondering why I chose to spent over half of my twenties with someone who still can't figure whether she's 18 or 24 when I had this 2:1 ratio in front of me.

 

I guess love makes us all do stupid things.

[StifledSavant]

As simply as I can put it... every relationship grows stale in short order. Just routine, no one's fault, there's only so much new material any 2 people have to share with each other and the excitement wanes. One of the parties will get bored and begin looking around. Not that they want someone else, they just LOOK at others. Putting it crassly... they are filling up their "spank bank" with images to fantasize about.

 

Men tend to do this rather openly with a "roaming eye" that we don't hide from our woman... that is until they nag us to stop doing it. We also tend to lose the images rather quickly and that's why guys are always ready to ogle the next little hottie that walks by.

 

Women on the other hand will check out other guys in a very sneaky way, so that her man will not notice her doing it. This is the more dangerous of the two versions because when anyone keeps something as a secret onto ourselves alone, the very process of keeping that secret will increase the personalized feelings of the fantasy and grow it into something much greater than it really is (hence the "clean" remark which is a rationalization created in her delusion). Most women need mental stimulation to be attracted to someone and this process creates all the mental stimulation she needs in a fantasy of her design. It's hers and hers alone, it's hot and dreamy in every way that she wants it to be and she makes it "perfect" for her, inside her mind. Throw in some kittens, rainbows and moonbeams from other parts of her brain and the next thing ya know she's screaming out the name of some guy she saw on the bus last month.

 

Case in point: I broke up badly with a girl when I was 18 years old. 20 years later we met again and within 2 months she asked her husband for a divorce... not because I said I wanted her but because she had built up this huge fantasy in her mind over 20 years and she was diving in head first, no matter what I wanted. I finally had to leave the insanity of her. So the moral of the story is... even though a woman moves from a "secure relationship" to the manifestation of a "passionate fantasy", it doesn't mean that she is right or that she will end up happier. Actually I hear she's pretty damn miserable these days. Funny it does not make me any happier to know that.

 

Oh and BTW... get ready for your "issues" to become public knowledge so she can blame you for everything she can possibly think up. I can't tell you how to protect yourself from it because every bit of it will be a huge lie rooted in some small truth about you. They do that just so there is no way you can possibly defend yourself against it.

Good Luck and have a great time abroad.... and while there, find a broad and then dump her. It'll make you feel better!

[Heidern]

Yeah, I'm not going to say I'm flawless and that I'm the perfect partner. The truth is that no one is. It took me a while to get to the point where I was 100% open and completely in love with her -she seemed really happy during this time, I guess she enjoys a challenge- but once I did get there I was all in. Our relationship was getting serious, and she knew that she was going to have to put a lot of effort into our marriage when we got to that point. We had always talked about our expectations and the ones she set for herself were pretty high. I had a ton of pressure on my shoulders but still tried my best when it came to us. She hadn't been working or going to school for quite a while (over a year) and seemed pretty unhappy over that time. When she met this guy though she changed her life around: as soon as she got a job, we had "the talk." So I guess her new-found motivation could last quite a bit as this guy seems to be more of a project than anything. I guess she's already built up this fantasy world inside her head where he's the new king. Time for me to live through reality and enjoy being single for a while.

 

BTW that last line is just pure gold. Can't wait to get there, it's the first thing I've looked forward to in a loooooooong time! Had I been married at this point I'd never be able to go over there by myself. This break-up can really be the start of something amazing!

[Carus]

This break-up can really be the start of something amazing!

That is a great way to look at it Heidern*

 

At 3 years out now I can definitely concur that there are some great lessons to be learnt from harsh BU's if one takes the time to acknowledge them*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

[Heidern]

You can't be too mad at them for wanting to pursue happiness elsewhere, it's just that you assume everyone's mature enough to realize that true happiness starts from within. Here's to spending time working on myself and making new memories instead of dwelling on the past! Cheers!

[sandrawg]

Ok, I'm not sure why you're reading her FB. You're shooting yourself in the foot. The girl sounds incredibly immature--I mean, EVERYONE has issues and she couldn't handle yours??, so maybe she deserves to be wiht a 19 yr old. My last ex is 26. He acts like a 19 yr old, so I can't even IMAGINE dating a 19 yr old. 19 yr old men are even MORE immature. It's more like dating a 16 yr old. And she was with him BEFORE you guys broke up? She cheated on you? Seriously, put her behind you and ignore her. you're better off.

[Heidern]

I checked her Facebook profile about a month or so ago. It didn't set me back as badly as I thought it would, but you're right. I've got to continue living my life and trying to make myself as happy as I can. As far as her cheating, well... She was telling him she wasn't too happy with me, that she'd love to be with him if we weren't together, that she wanted him badly (I'm just scratching the surface here) and would ditch me to hang out with him while I dealt with real issues, like work, school, life in general. So yeah, I guess that's cheating.

 

That's what I figured... I wasn't so sure of what I wanted out of life when I was 19, but was in a better situation than most at that point (got accepted to a top engineering school, never drank or did drugs, and wasn't really into random dating). Still, I've learned so much over the past 7 years and changed my perspective on a lot of things. So I guess she must be going through her teen years right now. Believe it or not she was much more mature when she was 18 than now... She seemed to have goals of her own, but slowly eased into a careless lifestyle (physically, emotionally and mentally) and blamed me for this "transformation".

 

Thanks for your comments!