AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Hello, my name is Aaron Wilson, I used to have an older account here but I made a new one. I am having a hard time with a severe slam of anxiety at the moment so please excuse any choppy sentence structuring or miss wording. I am in a fantastic relationship with my high school sweetheart. Three whole years, its been great. She is beautiful, caring, kind and has the greatest smile I have ever seen. I love her to the full extent I feel and know love as. However, sex is becoming something I feel either guilty, mad, or angry about. I feel envy for her copious amounts of sexual gratification while sex has always been something I never cared for. When I masturbate, gay cartoons or incest turn me on like no other. Cannot be real life people or I get guilt associations. I also love playing with my prostate and the stretching of my ass. It feels fantastic and I love it. She has tried incorporating this into our sex life, but it never feels the same in the presence of her. Almost uncomfortable. Now I cant even think about normal sex, it has no value to me. I just imagine getting "filled up" and held. It always feels right. So that is where I am at. Confused and lost. Any help would be great, Sincerely, Aaron Wilson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I really feel for you Aaron. I married my teenage sweetheart when I was 22 and he was 25. I didn't know then that he probably had the same thoughts you are having. I don't think that he was with any men while he was with me, but it wasn't until many years after, that he came out and now lives semi-openly as a gay man. After the birth of our son, sex became very difficult for him,and he spent a lot of years in denial. Maybe he is to an extent bi - I dunno. Eventually, I left him and he was devastated and frightened. It wasn't an easy life after leaving him. I went through stages of anger feeling as though he had used me as a baby-maker or something - he just adored our child and those 2 have mostly been close over the years. We have a good friendship and respect each other. From things he has said and done over the years, I have little doubt that if he could be with a woman, he still would want to be with me. However, he can't and marrying me was a mistake. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Thank you Silverbirch. That is my main fear, I dont want to wait a few more years and find out I am gay. That would deviate my love, absolutely crush her. She knows I am in a sort of a pickle and is ok waiting this out for a while. She loves me unconditionally and I have always put her happiness over mine. I pretty much need to find out within the year so I can move on. I always feel uncomfortable with sex. I reach orgasm fine, and I love female orgasm sounds, squirming and the facial expressions. Absolutly breath taking seeing what we as people can do. But I never have had a great moment in sex myself. Its just always been....blehh. Now that I am exploring my own sexuality through masturbation I have had sexual feelings I have never had before. And for once, that silly thing called masturbation, seemed special. I love her with all my heart, but Im not sure if thats true love. She says all these feelings she gets over me and I just cant seem to feel the same towards her. However, I am a guy and she a women. The more I try and dig into this I get more and more confused. Would it be advisable to perhaps try and become sexually close with a gay male friend? Try it and see from there? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Just because you are uncomfortable with sex doesn't mean you are gay. touching areas of your body and getting pleasure from it does not mean you are gay. It might mean you are turned on in different ways. If you are gay, you think of a man when it comes to a long term relationship, desire the companionship of a man, and are attracted to men. I had problems when I was younger having orgasms or "feeling it" and didn't find much pleasure aside from the closeness, and as I got older, its a totally different story completely. Thinking of incest is something you need help for. You know that incest means relations with a family member, right? Or did you mean a different word? I think that you should not become sexually close with a gay male friend while with your girlfriend. That would be cheating. You need to break it off with her first. THere is no "i want to secretly sleep with a man to test if I am gay and if i am not i just pretend nothing happened." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Nope, if I would become close with a male friend, I would either clear it first with my girlfriend or end our relationship. Incest is a fetish of mine I am not proud of but stems from early child sexual abuse I am dealing with. The attractiveness of males has always been something I was confused by. I can see an attractive man from just a guy. But I have yet to have a sexual feeling to a true man. So yes, in that aspect I dont fit with the definition of gay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 ^^ I agree. I was also wondering about the incest thing. Was this a mistake/wrong word, or did you actually MEAN incest? ETA: Cancel the above. I just saw your post. Have you ever considered counselling about the sexual abuse? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Already in counseling, have been for a few years. Well, I guess thanks for as much help as could be granted for how little I have written. Thank you all for the help. I guess ill figure this out on my own. Sincerely, Aaron Wilson Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 The attractiveness of males has always been something I was confused by. I can see an attractive man from just a guy. But I have yet to have a sexual feeling to a true man. So yes, in that aspect I dont fit with the definition of gay. I would agree that that doesn't fit the "profile" of gay as we know it. Have you ever discussed this with your therapist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I have with my counsellor as well as with my doctor. So far, they said the only way is to find out through experience. I am just curious as to why as ive grown up my sexuality is closer to a gay male than a straight male. I am just wondering if it could come to a head so to speak as me realizing I am gay later on in life. I am sexually attracted to very androgynous boys but that's as close as sexual attraction to men as I can come too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I am sexually attracted to very androgynous boys. When you say boys, how old are we talking here? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I dont really know? I know guys that are 22 and look 16. I myself look about 15 ish while I am 19. The younger they look, the easier for me to fantasize about. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 The younger they look, the easier for me to fantasize about. Would it be fair to say 11-15 years old? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 No, I would say more 18-19. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 No, I would say more 18-19. Oh ok, now I'm confused, lol. Considering you're 19 years old and saying "the younger they look" I didn't think 18-19 would fit the bill, so to speak. As I said, I'm confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 I said androgynous males. They just have lesser masculine features. Not younger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I said androgynous males. They just have lesser masculine features. Not younger. You said: "The younger they look, the easier for me to fantasize about.". This implies AGE, right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
miracle29 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Please see the interview Tyler Perry had with Oprah. He admits to being molested by a male &female. Because "it/touching" felt good to him he also struggled with confusions and guilts. Sadly as a way to cope ur tricking urself that u "like" things now its even stretched to possible incestial and homotendic sexual exploits. Anyone can talk themselves into anything. Even being semi/temp gay. If u were gay you would have known. This is more trauma /self-soothing/coping being confused with a sexuality label. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Maybe he meant the YOUNGER they looked, they looked less masculine. My 20 year old boy looks like he's in Jr. high...and has 'cute' features.... Maybe Aaron is liking the 'boyish' look, instead of the 'manly man' look...JMO?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 Alright, will do. I am pretty messed up right now with panic attacks from my anxiety so im just going to wait and see how im feeling in a week or so. Probably should have seen this coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AaronMWilson Posted February 23, 2012 Author Share Posted February 23, 2012 You got it right. Ive seen a few guys at the pool that look youngish/boyish that are in my personal opinion "hot". But are actually older than me. But I dont know if I could love a man? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Capricorn3 Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 Maybe he meant the YOUNGER they looked, they looked less masculine.? I disagree as I am sure he would have said, "the less masculine they look, the better", but he specifically said "younger" (which I still say implies AGE). But no matter, as I think there's a lot more going on here and goes much deeper - all of which I would have highly recommended counselling, but the OP is already in counselling, so hopefully that will work. I think that miracle29 is onto something too - again, only therapy/counselling will work here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Realitynut Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 ehhh,,,,not so sure...I always say my kid looks "younger"...meaning 16ish....my 24 yr. old looks around 19....I always say they look 'younger', not 'less masculine'. Not everyone is as articulate as you, or always uses the 'best' words, when he is not even sure exactly what he MEANs to say. He likes younger looking men, with softer features, more like a Justin Bieber look...I imagine. That was my take. Not that he wanted to be a pedofile. He admits he's having problems with his sexuality, and that is what he came on here for...looking for answers. Plus, he said he agreed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikNomis Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I don't quite think you're gay. It sounds like you recognize an attractive male and have your own criteria of what an attractive male is, but you're not attracted to them, right? I think you just have strange, unique sexual fetishes. Oh and BTW, are you attracted to any girls? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lukeb Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I do think you are gay, I think you are more comfortable expressing your sexuality through your fantasies where no one can judge you, or even you can pretend it is not even real. Being turned on by gay cartoons is very telling. Again you probably feel less judged by very young androgynous looking men so you feel a stronger attraction to them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted February 23, 2012 Share Posted February 23, 2012 I think the main thing for you right now is to not make any type of commitment to your girlfriend or to let her think that marriage is on the cards at some point in time. I personally don't think there is a time frame when a person can know and accept which type of lifestyle is going to make them happiest. Eventually, I was helped enormously, not by a psychiatrist, but by a gay man I worked with. He was married and left his wife because he knew he was gay and had been in denial of it for many years. I recall him telling me how when he was on the beach, he wasn't checking out girls in bikinis, he was checking out other young men. He told me,and I believe him, that he loved his wife so much and that she was a wonderful person, and he really wished that he wasn't gay because they could have been so happy together. He wasn't actually happy at the time he spoke to me because he was with a young guy who was a quite lot younger than he was. He said he didn't really think the young guy was a nice person like his wife, but he had some big sex thing and a type of obsession going on with him. I suppose he was sad at that point in time because he didn't have emotional AND sexual connection with a partner. I have a work colleague who I've known for quite a few years and he has both emotional and sexual with his long-term partner and they are so happy. He too was once married and has a son who is probably in his early 20's. Eventually, everyone got happy and got on with their lives. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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