Heidern Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I've been there. Did the begging, pleading and the questioning. It's not worth it. You're only boosting your ex's ego. They made their decision, now you grow a pair and make yours too. Start taking care of yourself, allow the healing process to begin. It's painful, and it sucks, but at least you'll get to keep your self-respect. Getting "closure" often brings up more unanswered questions and that's the last thing you need at this point. Take care of yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 No I disagree. Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. That is still closure to me. That you tried to ask. So I do encourage people to ask why the relationship has failed. Also, dumpers don't always "get an ego boost" that is a myth. Alot of dumpers feel extremely guilty and bad, and that is far from an ego boost. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nrb Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 It's painful, and it sucks, but at least you'll get to keep your self-respect. Getting "closure" often brings up more unanswered questions and that's the last thing you need at this point. Take care of yourself! Very well said...it creates more problems... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dumPI Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 No I disagree. Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. That is still closure to me. That you tried to ask. So I do encourage people to ask why the relationship has failed. Also, dumpers don't always "get an ego boost" that is a myth. Alot of dumpers feel extremely guilty and bad, and that is far from an ego boost. I disagree. If you did wrong things (deal breakers) during the relationship you probably are aware of them. If not, ask. On the other hand if you were a pretty good bf/gf you are just going to get a bunch of this: which isn't going to help, just add a ton of questions to your head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning2relax Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 The answers to the questions you ask never seem to satisfy and cause more questions. You poke holes in their reasoning and they don't want to be questioned in return, they want you to accept their decision. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
deeplongbreath Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 No I disagree. Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. That is still closure to me. That you tried to ask. So I do encourage people to ask why the relationship has failed. Also, dumpers don't always "get an ego boost" that is a myth. Alot of dumpers feel extremely guilty and bad, and that is far from an ego boost. I agree with you fully. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
digdug Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 No I disagree. Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. That is still closure to me. That you tried to ask. So I do encourage people to ask why the relationship has failed. Also, dumpers don't always "get an ego boost" that is a myth. Alot of dumpers feel extremely guilty and bad, and that is far from an ego boost. I agree with this as well .... there is no definition of "closure" so for some it comes in the form of not asking questions to get get answers, but to form opinions of how things failed and what they can do for themselves moving forward so they don't fall for a similar situation. Sure, it might drum up bad feelings, but all feelings in a break up are tools for healing. You can't just run from them or you will never learn and grow from your experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Minx2012 Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I think people who demand or beg for "closure" are in denial of the truth. The truth is that people change and thus, feelings change. It's as simple as that. People who want closure often start off ponderings with, " IF ONLY I did this...IF ONLY I did that...IF ONLY he listened to me more at one point of our relationship....". Those maddening thoughts are ultimately destructive to your health and well being. The fact is...it's over. He/she has made their decision LONG before you knew about it and they were just waiting to drop the axe. That is the closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stickman Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Why does it matter? By you even asking why is not going to change the outcome. The answer may be you...may be them...could be a bunch of different reasons. And after you are told what they think you want to hear, the answer will still be that you are not with them. You still will feel the hurt and pain. That does not go away. Whether it was you or them, you have to look within you self to make yourself happy from here on out without them. You have gifts and talents that are yours. Things that make you unique. If it was not appreciated or wanted by them, it is their loss. If you need to make some changes, only you can change those things. And I would say consider this....WHY CHANGE. Be yourself for yourself. Not for someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. I agree. It is natural to ask questions when you have been dumped, especially when it has apparently come out-of-the-blue. Asking questions is not boosting their ego as there will inevitably be some form of contact in the immediate aftermath of the BU. That said, I believe real closure comes in the form of acceptance. Questions often go unanswered because, more often than not, the dumper doesn't know themselves why their feelings have changed, just that they have. Once I accepted that my marriage was over and my ex-husband wasn't able to answer my barrage of questions I soon stopped searcing for the answers and I found my own closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
moosekaka Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 How about saying goodbye if you are leaving the area/city for good? Is a couple of cordial, even if sad parting words too much to ask? Especially when the BU was messy and bitter Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidern Posted February 15, 2012 Author Share Posted February 15, 2012 No I disagree. Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. That is still closure to me. That you tried to ask. So I do encourage people to ask why the relationship has failed. I believe that right after a BU you're not in a good position to assimilate this type of information. Getting answers to questions can certainly be useful when you're thinking clearly , but when you're acting on emotions -usually the case after getting dumped- 1) you're going to keep asking more questions, 2) try to figure out the logic behind their actions and 3) possibly blame yourself for the whole thing. Questions about your relationship and things that you could both work on should happen while the relationship exists, not after one person decided that breaking up was the best for both parties. Also, dumpers don't always "get an ego boost" that is a myth. Alot of dumpers feel extremely guilty and bad, and that is far from an ego boost. You're right, not everyone is wired the same way. However, based on personal experience and what I've heard from others, a lot of dumpers -unhealthy ones if you will- will try to establish a back-up plan in case things don't pan out the way they had hoped. If you were dumped by an egocentric person, someone who wasn't strong enough to fight through the couple's needs, someone who chose his/her own immediate "happiness" over what could have been a good relationship, that person WILL use any attention you give him/her to satisfy his/her needs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I believe that right after a BU you're not in a good position to assimilate this type of information. Getting answers to questions can certainly be useful when you're thinking clearly , but when you're acting on emotions -usually the case after getting dumped- 1) you're going to keep asking more questions, 2) try to figure out the logic behind their actions and 3) possibly blame yourself for the whole thing. Questions about your relationship and things that you could both work on should happen while the relationship exists, not after one person decided that breaking up was the best for both parties. In a lot of cases though the dumpee doesn't know that there is anything wrong until it is too late. At that point it is inevitable that they are going to need, and expect, answers because evidently a lot of thought has already gone into it from the other side! I had no idea my husband was about to walk out on me and our 3 daughters. We were in the middle of renovating our dream home and I thought we were happy. There was no way on this earth that I could just sit back and keep my mouth shut and not ask him what on earth had gone wrong and at what point it had gone wrong and whether or not there was anyone else. I needed to understand what was going on. I needed to know whether it was fixable ... I owed that to my daughters ... but most of all I needed to know whether there was another woman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidern Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 a-little-blue: fair enough, not all situations are the same. Personally, I should have completely avoided the whole "getting closure" stage. All it did was force me into coming up with more useless questions and delaying the healing process, which is already tough enough with the information I have. The fact that I got dumped is all I really needed, any extra piece of information comes with a ton of pain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FreeFallFeelin Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 Everyone is entitled to ask the questions on why the relationship has ended. The dumper does not have to answer or even acknowledge the question - but the dumpee has a right to ask. Everyone asks. That is still closure to me. That you tried to ask. So I do encourage people to ask why the relationship has failed. Also, dumpers don't always "get an ego boost" that is a myth. Alot of dumpers feel extremely guilty and bad, and that is far from an ego boost. I agree with this 100%. It's not natural to just walk away from a LTR without wondering "what happened?". If you are to understand your mistakes and how you could be better, it's only natural to ask the dumper why they are now rejecting you. There will be lots of other unanswered questions that pop up in your head down the road, but I think the more information you can get right away, the better. Eventually you will start to see some of the answers as BS, and yet others as true and revealing. Some will hurt, some will help. As always, expect no reply, or a reply that might just knock you on your ass. After you've asked your burning questions, know that this will be the point from which you can not return. If you hound the ex too much, they will shut you off, and likely become defensive and nasty. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 a-little-blue: fair enough, not all situations are the same. Personally, I should have completely avoided the whole "getting closure" stage. All it did was force me into coming up with more useless questions and delaying the healing process, which is already tough enough with the information I have. The fact that I got dumped is all I really needed, any extra piece of information comes with a ton of pain. Well there comes a point when you need to accept the situation for what it is and finally let go so that you can start moving on. It's all a process but so too is getting from the point the relationship first comes to an end to acceptance. As I said above, I think closure comes in the form of acceptance because once you have learnt to accept the situation you stop searching for answers ... but we have to cut ourselves a little slack and give ourselves time to get there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secondchance67 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 If the dumper is hurting, in a moment of weakness you may get some form of closure.....but you wont ever be sure it isnt what they think you want to hear to give them some breathing room from you at the moment. It's been my experience that the dumpers coping mechanisms kick in; the anger, the indifference...the way it almost looks and feels like they are intentionally trying to hurt you, is all their screwed up way with dealing with their own pain and guit of ending the relationship....some just cant process it, dont know how, or are just so emotionally dead inside they dont care, because after all, they are leaeving you anyway, right? When we see that, it fuels our worst fears, and we come off even more desperate and clingy/needy....pushing the ex in the other direction. If I am ever the dumper, the experience that brought me here will resonate with me - and I will be an open book for that person I no longer want to be with.....I will disclose EVERYTHING....because if I loved her, I would want to spare her the needless torture of wondering all the hows and whys and what ifs that have plagued me since i was dumped...thats been the biggest hurdle for all of us - no closure and too much time devoted to what the real motives were behind the breakup. After the "shock and awe" of being dumped wore off in the first few days, for me anyway, the endless loop of questions in my head that went unanswered the day I was dumped are far, far worse then the realization that it was over. I would spare my soon to be ex that pain....but thats just me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tanzi Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I agree, secondchance, I think, for most of us, we know when we are being fobbed off with a bunch of cliches ..... "It's not you, its me", "I love you but I'm not in love with you". I knew that was a load of BS and I wanted my husband to honour me ... his wife, mother of his children, partner for 13 years ... the truth. I knew there had to be someone else and indeed there was. If you once loved someone you should at least respect them enough to give them the truth. You should expect to be asked questions and you should expect to answer them where possible. If you can't answer certain questions fair enough. I asked loads of questions that probably weren't answerable... "when did it go wrong" etc but at least credit us with a bit of intelligence because we know whether a question is really answerable or not or when we are being fed a classic dumpers line instead of being given the truth. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secondchance67 Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 exactly my point, if they are leaving anyway, mind is made up, no way back for them....why not just be honest, let the soon to be dumpee ask away, and be done with it? it spares the dumper all the chasing, emails, texts, etc later, right? Isn't that the EXACT thing we hear the dumpers cant stand? So why not avoid it, sit down ,take all the questions, the anger, the sadness in one shot?? that will be my approach, that is if i ever get over her and cant ever trust another woman with my heart.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidern Posted February 21, 2012 Author Share Posted February 21, 2012 If your ex ended your relationship for valid reasons then you'll most likely already know about those. Now, if your ex is anything like mine, she'll end the relationship and try to use every excuse in the book to let you know the BU was entirely your fault -took too long to get married, there were too many things wrong with me, among others. Staying in no contact has helped me understand that I need to fix certain things that I don't like about myself, but these aren't necessarily the same things she had in mind when she dumped me. Bottom line is she found someone else, lied to everyone about it, and gave me the good old "I'm not leaving you for someone else, I just can't be with you anymore." I asked, but at the end the result is still the same. I tried using logic and failed miserably. She had been looking for excuses prior to our BU to validate her decision and it may be that she found some good ones, but honestly at this point I don't care. I could go on all day picking and choosing some of her flaws to convince myself that I should have never been with her in the first place, but to me that's just being immature and selfish. I loved her for who she was, but the biggest proof that she got tired of our relationship is that it took her 6 years to find out that there were way too many things wrong with me. It's easier to blame others than to blame yourself. She wasn't happy with herself and took it out on me. I've already blamed myself long enough for this, it's time to move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissieP Posted February 21, 2012 Share Posted February 21, 2012 I got my closure but it wasn't exactly closure! He told me how wonderful and happy he is and how much he changed and how she is the one blah,blah,blah I would of liked it if he had said Missie I am sorry I ever hurt you I never meant to do that and I hope one day you find happiness but instead he had to tell me how wonderful and how much he changed. I said it once closure is one thing wishing the ex nothing but the best in the future and thanks for the memories telling your ex how wonderful your life is just plain mean. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secondchance67 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 my situation exactly....lied to everyone to save face, that after 6 years with me, she jumped to this other guy while still living with me. She is playing it cool, still sneaking around ( although not as much now since theoretically she cant get caught by me). My guess is somewhere around April, she will start to mention this guy to her friends...she seems to have alot in common with him, blah, blah, blah. Then she will go public....and no one will wonder why she was going to move in with him in just a few months? Hmmmmmm....i would wonder that if i was her friends/family....but she has a way of BS'ing everyone, batting her eyes and blowing smoke.....all to keep her agenda: She is squeaky clean, was i n a LTR that just didn't work out, and she deserves to be happy and move on, right? That's her game....she will never let anyone see the real her, the cheating scumbag liar that works everyone, plays everyone, and only cares about herself and her wants and needs. As I type this, i realize this must be what hell is like; this must be how it feels for all eternity - this aching burning misery.....and you know what? I'd rather sit at the right hand of the devil himself then go back to her....it would be the better choice, IMHO. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidern Posted February 22, 2012 Author Share Posted February 22, 2012 She is squeaky clean, was i n a LTR that just didn't work out, and she deserves to be happy and move on, right? That's her game....she will never let anyone see the real her, the cheating scumbag liar that works everyone, plays everyone, and only cares about herself and her wants and needs. As I type this, i realize this must be what hell is like; this must be how it feels for all eternity - this aching burning misery.....and you know what? I'd rather sit at the right hand of the devil himself then go back to her....it would be the better choice, IMHO. Avoiding resentment is tough, especially when the other person moved on way before the relationship ended. This seems to be the way of the coward dumper. Instead of facing the issues as a couple, she sees something shiny and fancy and pursues it while feeling the comfort and security you provide. It's hard not to despise someone who does this, especially when you gave them love (with imperfections and all, but it's still love). I truly believe that in the end, if you're willing to put in the effort to make things better, you WILL get over her. It sucks, but you have no other choice. She found her exit plan and now you get to deal with all the pain and discomfort. That's OK, because in the end YOU WILL be stronger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lolgirl Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 I agree with this. When we first broke up, I asked him a ton of questions about where we went wrong and begged for closure. He had no idea what kind of closure I was looking for. And to be honest, I don't even think I knew either. I don't think anything he would have said or done would have given me closure...it would have only opened up more questions and insecurities. I'm glad I finally put my foot down and went NC, it was the only way I was able to start the healing process. I agree. It is natural to ask questions when you have been dumped, especially when it has apparently come out-of-the-blue. Asking questions is not boosting their ego as there will inevitably be some form of contact in the immediate aftermath of the BU. That said, I believe real closure comes in the form of acceptance. Questions often go unanswered because, more often than not, the dumper doesn't know themselves why their feelings have changed, just that they have. Once I accepted that my marriage was over and my ex-husband wasn't able to answer my barrage of questions I soon stopped searcing for the answers and I found my own closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secondchance67 Posted February 22, 2012 Share Posted February 22, 2012 Avoiding resentment is tough, especially when the other person moved on way before the relationship ended. This seems to be the way of the coward dumper. Instead of facing the issues as a couple, she sees something shiny and fancy and pursues it while feeling the comfort and security you provide. It's hard not to despise someone who does this, especially when you gave them love (with imperfections and all, but it's still love). I truly believe that in the end, if you're willing to put in the effort to make things better, you WILL get over her. It sucks, but you have no other choice. She found her exit plan and now you get to deal with all the pain and discomfort. That's OK, because in the end YOU WILL be stronger. thanks, H..... So i get the pain and discomfort, And as i grow stronger dealing with her departure from my life as one of the most hurtful things i have ever seen someone do to another person..... she continues to ignore the issues she has, jump the next guy to avoid being alone and hide from any true growth, smiling. laughing and acting like the 6 years we had were a distant memory...not just some 40 days ago.....being the dumper is being in the drivers seat....while i run behind the car like a dog.... thinking about her and what i just wrote.... its times like these makes me wonder what all the fuss was about.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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