Should She Break Up With Him Because Of Money Issues?

[annie24]

Well, she's been dating him for 5 months so she must like something about him.

[The_Seeker]

Well, she's been dating him for 5 months so she must like something about him.

 

Then it's her fault for letting this drag on without voicing her self she couldn't afford.

 

 

OP, did she talk to the guy yet?

 

She might like something about him or she is desperate for a relationship. In other words, I need a guy in my life to live type of girl.

[journeynow]

Seems it's not just about income and spending styles, but also where they are in life and chosen lifestyles. She's just starting out, he's older, longer on his own, further down the working road of adulthood, but also it sounds like he's chosen a different, more financially lucrative field. Most likely there will always be that difference between them.

 

While she's saving for future dates she could be up front about her dating budget, she has x dollars a month, he's wanting a fancier date, which will cost her 4x, so she will save for 4 months, and in the meantime she can only spend zero x on dates, and needs him to drive to meet her since she can't afford the extra wear and tear on her old vehicle. 4.5 months from now, after the big date, they'll have a better picture of their potential compatibility. (Maybe he'll feel like treating her to a $ date during that spell, but she should stick to her own budget in order to make the planned fancier date.)

[WhenWillILove]

I partially agree with this. However, please tell me when you find a first year teacher who makes at least $50k+ a year and owns their own home/apartment alone. teacher aids make at least 20k-25k. He should already know this... teacher aids are paid far below the poverty line in America.

 

Exactly. He more than likely knows about her earnings but is unwilling to put his dollars in because he's selfish and cheap.

[WhenWillILove]

Not to get political on you, but many people in the US actually think that teachers are overpaid and lazy!!! (Remember the big union fights last year in the midwest?) Now, I don't know if he is one of them, but he may not realize how much money she makes and that she pays rent to her parents. He might figure if she lives with her parents, she has a big fat wad of cash she is sitting on. (instead of say, paying $1000 a month in rent) Maybe she needs to tell him her budget.

 

I don't know their exact discussion details & I'll ask....

But what baffles me is, how can he not know how much she makes? As soon as she told me she's working as a teacher's aid, I automatically knew that's chump change right there.

A simple Google search let's you know.

And, maybe it's just me, but I wouldn't be completely comfortable with telling a guy I've seen for this long what I make. I think these sort of details should come about later on, not this early into the relationship. My friend is a bit similar to me in that if I was making this low and he was making this way high, I wouldn't be too eager to reveal my earnings. I had another female acquaintance who was very reluctant in the beginning to disclose her earnings because she made so little in comparison to him she thought he'd run for the hills.

 

But like I said, he should have Googled her salary, if he was that clueless.

[Batya33]

I don't think googling someone's salary is necessary to see whether "hmm even though she agrees to these fancy dates that she splits the bill for can she really afford it?"

I don't think your title conveys the issue here- it's not a money issue, it's a character/integrity and values issue.

[bulletproof]

I don't know if she should necessarily break up with him, but she does have to start saying no to him. If she can't afford to be driving over to see him, then she needs to stop. And if she can't afford the vacation, then she should just say no and tell him the reason. I'm sure that if he's unhappy with this, he'll let her know. I don't know that he is necessarily selfish and cheap because he doesn't want to spend money on her, though. It's his money to do with what he pleases. It sounds like she hasn't been clear/firm about having to watch her money, because she gives in to him.

[Pinnacle]

Guy doesn't have enough money -> girls break up with him.

Guy has too much money -> girls break up with him.

 

I don't get it.

[pl3asehelp]

I partially agree with this. However, please tell me when you find a first year teacher who makes at least $50k+ a year and owns their own home/apartment alone. teacher aids make at least 20k-25k. He should already know this... teacher aids are paid far below the poverty line in America.

 

It's not my job or this bf's job to be a human salary survey repository. I don't pay attention to what all of the various careers out there pay - I'm busy. Why is it my or his responsibility to know how much a teachers aid makes? How about a vet- tech, or a window washer? I'm supposed to just know what they get paid too? This line of thought falls apart quickly.

 

This is really simple - she's poor and instead of telling him she can't afford these dates, she's instead CHOOSING to be silent about it (everything but the vacation anyway) and pretend she's making more money than she is by living a life beyond her means. All she needs to do is tell the guy she can't afford these activities.

 

Suggesting that he should just 'know' what a teachers aid makes or that he should google to figure out her salary are very poor substitutes for the obvious adult solution which is she should be communicating to him through spoken words what she can and can't afford. I mean, presumably she's sleeping with this guy but she can't open up enough to tell him she can't afford something? That says volumes about her abilities to communicate.

 

Google, really? I"m dating a girl for 5 months and instead of her just telling me she can't afford something I'm instead supposed to do some online surveillance to figure out what financial position she's in? Will google tell me if she pays rent to her parents? She doesn't need to share her salary or whether she pays rent - she just needs to share the bottom line with him - if she can afford something or not, that simple.

[appdev89]

Interestingly enough, I agree with every word said here. She needs to let him know and get the eff out.

[journeynow]

Guy has too much money -> girls break up with him.

Not necessarily. The issue isn't that he has too much money. It's his expectation of her to spend at his level, which isn't realistic. It's difficult for two people who have vastly different attitudes and expectations around money to maintain a happy relationship.

 

Edit: It is her responsibility to be honest with herself and him about her financial situation. Her self-esteem is her job. No need to feel bad, just work hard, budget, plan, and look for ways to improve her financial situation. (She might take a 2nd job for awhile.) Comparing herself to others who make more money will never make her happy.

[WhenWillILove]

The thing is, a lot of people are assuming she's not communicating with him about her earnings and her budget. But then again, I wrote it, she didn't. And this is a thread where only so much can be told. Plus, nobody likes to read 5 pages, anyway.

 

So to clarify it all for you, she has told me that she has communicated to him her average earnings about a month into the relationship.

 

Second of all, a lot of people are saying she should leave him if he's been this misunderstanding but there's also the issue that for her, this is her first relationship and she's having difficulties understanding what's 'right' or 'wrong' in a relationship, at least circumstantially, so to speak.

[pl3asehelp]

The thing is, a lot of people are assuming she's not communicating with him about her earnings and her budget. But then again, I wrote it, she didn't. And this is a thread where only so much can be told. Plus, nobody likes to read 5 pages, anyway.

 

So to clarify it all for you, she has told me that she has communicated to him her average earnings about a month into the relationship.

 

Second of all, a lot of people are saying she should leave him if he's been this misunderstanding but there's also the issue that for her, this is her first relationship and she's having difficulties understanding what's 'right' or 'wrong' in a relationship, at least circumstantially, so to speak.

 

Well yeah, we can only comment on what you share in the OP. If she's told him she can't afford this level of entertainment and he's ignoring that, then she should move on. He's ignoring her in favor of himself, which is just plain selfish. She may be having difficulties knowing what is right to do in a relationship or not, but in this specific instance, if she's communicated clearly to him she can't afford this stuff, then she's done the right thing.

[WhenWillILove]

Well yeah, we can only comment on what you share in the OP. If she's told him she can't afford this level of entertainment and he's ignoring that, then she should move on. He's ignoring her in favor of himself, which is just plain selfish. She may be having difficulties knowing what is right to do in a relationship or not, but in this specific instance, if she's communicated clearly to him she can't afford this stuff, then she's done the right thing.

 

From knowing her, I really think her problem stems from her fear of not finding anyone 'better' & that this is by far the best she can get in a partner....But that's another issue of its own. And it's also her notions that relationships should be centered on equality.

[annie24]

I'm trying to think of what I would do if every week, the man I was dating was suggesting pricey dates/vacations. I would probably just tell him, "That sounds like fun, but I just can't afford that right now. How about we rent a movie tonight instead and I cook us dinner at my home?" Hopefully, he would either take me up on the movie/cooking date, or he'd offer to pay for the pricier date. If he gets huffy about it or says, "Fine, I'll go with someone else to that restaurant!" then maybe he's not such a good boyfriend after all.

 

 

I mean, if he wants to go to the pricey restaurant, and she orders a side salad and tap water for dinner because that's all she can pay for, that's no fun for anyone!

 

Yes, I think equality in a relationship is important, but so is kindness, and I think part of kindness is understanding someone's life circumstances and not being rude about it.

[annie24]

one more thing - now that i think about it, i do have a friend who is in a sort of similar position (makes more money than a teacher's aide) but has a bf who likes a lot of activities. She's complained to me, "I just can't keep up!" I don't think she's ever told it to him because she doesn't want to rock the boat. I really think she's afraid if she told him she couldn't do one of those things, he'd go with someone else, or by himself and meet other women, or ex-gfs. There is one weekly meetup type group that he attends, and that she goes to with him, but really hates going and thinks it's stupid. but she keeps going because so many of his ex-gfs are there and she doesn't want to leave him alone with them. I think she doesn't want to lose him, so she doesn't want to do anything that might rock the boat.

 

I think he's overall selfish. That's just my take of their relationship and I don't think that's a good way to live, always on pins and needles.

[WhenWillILove]

Can't he join another meetup group? Exes? So there's more than one ex at this meet up? Maybe he is trying to make her jealous and I think most men and women would avoid meetups that involve their exes being there.

[annie24]

Can't he join another meetup group? Exes? So there's more than one ex at this meet up? Maybe he is trying to make her jealous and I think most men and women would avoid meetups that involve their exes being there.

 

It's not exactly a 'meetup' group from the site. He is into Harley motorcycles, and every week, a bunch of people who have Harley's meet in the parking lot of this one restaurant, hang out, have some food. He's met several women through this place (I think one is was a waitress even). But he said he doesn't want to stop going because this is something he is into. He told me, "It's if Brandon from 90201 stopped going to The Peach Pit." I get it, that's his hangout, with his 'crowd' and I don't think that there are many other Harley biker meetups in that city - it's a smallish town. So, I see why he wouldn't stop going. And I see why my friend doesn't want to leave him alone there.... But she's not really into motorcycles like he is and doesn't like the food there. But, doesn't want to rock the boat either. I suggested to her that she go only every other week, but she seems reluctant. Oh well....

[Stay_home]

I think Sandy should do what works for Sandy and not what works for John.

 

If John doesn't like that, then John needs to do what works for John and not what works for Sandy.

 

Funny because dates, romantic outings, dinner, movies and special trips are exciting, but what makes them exciting is the person you get to spend time with. I don't think John yet understands that. John loves out of his wallet instead of from his heart.

[pl3asehelp]

From knowing her, I really think her problem stems from her fear of not finding anyone 'better' & that this is by far the best she can get in a partner....But that's another issue of its own. And it's also her notions that relationships should be centered on equality.

 

I admire her idea that equality is important in a relationship and I don't think that is something she should need to compromise or change for any reason, particularly not just because of this experience. This attitude is going to serve her well in the long run. I think men worth being in a relationship with, if approached by the girl they are dating and told their dates need to be cheaper because they can't afford them, would either a) offer to pay her share or b) go on cheaper dates and be just as happy with either course of action because what's important is the person, not the activity.

 

This guy is just a jerk if she's told him she can't afford this stuff and he just ignores her and plows ahead doing what he wants to do.

[I like ravioli]

John sounds like an a**hole. Making almost 6 figures and not wanting to treat your girlfriend every now and then is bad enough. Trust me, I have friends who make this kind of money, and this money means nothing to them -- they think nothing of spending it on people who are just their friends! But his large income aside, even most of the college guys I've dated have really really wanted to take me out even though I am far from poor. But there *is* a huge income disparity, and he doesn't show an ounce of empathy, chivalry, or even humanness on these issues. What a tool. Tell your friend she can do better.

[Batya33]

I don't think treating should depend on income unless the one who makes more wants to go somewhere or do something that the other person cannot afford -then he or she should offer to treat or pay more. Many people who make large salaries want to save money just like the those who do not and in some cases it's because the job commanding the high salary may not be around forever. I don't think the values of generosity and empathy have anything to do with income - (and I don't buy that richer people are cheap and poorer people are more generous -I simply don't think there's a connection other than rich people who act cheaply stand out more than people who seem to have an "excuse" to act in a cheap way).

 

For example, when I dated men (or "boys") who made no money (teenagers) or less than me I expected them to be generous within their means (and that can mean generous with their time, generous with their energy in helping to plan or plan the date not just money) - I'd rather be taken out for a simple picnic in the park or to a museum and bring lunch with us rather than have him go somewhere he couldn't afford and then monitor everything I ordered and focus on how much we were spending. That's not about money- it's about values, social skills, etc.