Heidern Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I miss my ex dearly. I'm still in love with her, there's no denying that. The biggest difference between the love I feel towards her now and what I felt prior to the breakup is that the happiness I once felt has turned into emptiness and useless hopeful thinking. I was in a 6 year relationship, engaged for almost 2 of those. I was going to marry her this past January, but instead she dumped me towards the end of August last year. We kept the conversations going 'till the end of December, when she finally revealed that all her feelings were gone. Just like that. She got emotionally involved with a kid who's a bit younger than her 5 months prior to the breakup (she's 24 and he's 19), and during that time she could only say good things about this guy, how -despite his age- he was mature, naive and pure. I've stuck to NC since the end of last year till about a week ago, when I felt I was ready to tell her I didn't hold any grudges against her given the breakup was fairly messy. That's it. No romantic non-sense during that conversation. I'm done begging and damaging my self-esteem over a person who managed to move on so quickly. I'm here to talk about the times when *I* thought our relationship was over. There were times when her bad side got the best out of me -along with pressure from work and school- and I contemplated the possibility of dumping her. The fact that she broke up with me 3 times during this 6-year period added more fuel to this line of thinking. There were some things about her that didn't feel right, which I brought up during many of our conversations. She was constantly telling me how she could fix them, that she would do anything to make me happy. I tried to be understanding, but I must admit that logic got the best of me many times. I really thought that our days of being together were coming to an end. Then one day, the following question popped up in my head: What's easier for me? Do I keep going with this relationship and stand by her as we mend these issues or do I just leave her and go after shiny exciting unknown? The key here is that I didn't have to think about this for too long. I knew the kind of person she was, her good side and her bad side. She had dumped me a couple of times already and at that point we were in a long-distance relationship, so I went with my gut instinct... I decided to stay. My feelings took over at that point. I realized that I had come to the point of loving her more than I would love a relative. I have brothers, and if we've managed to deal with each other for this long without losing respect for one another despite our countless differences, then why couldn't I do the same for her? This is exactly what I did. I started seeing her flaws as being a fundamental part of the personality that I loved so much. I saw her as the person I wanted next to me for the rest of my life. There are two points to note here: 1) I could have easily been the dumper at that time, but my feelings for her were stronger than any logical argument. 2) I had several internal conflicts towards the end of our relationship regarding her emotional commitment towards us, but then #1 was still true. The reason I'm revisiting these thoughts is that I believe they can help during the healing process. Obviously, NC time is still the biggest factor. The fact that I can reason through this without involving too many emotions shows that NC is the way to go if you wish to heal properly. I believe that this is another aid in the sense that if at some point in time you questioned your relationship then you should think about what motivated those thoughts. For me, I was just happy being the person I was and wasn't exactly sure of whether or not I needed to be in a relationship. So, if you're hurting, remember that you were happy before you met this person (otherwise you wouldn't have attracted your ex!). Turn the pain into something positive. Rebuild your self-esteem! Remember that when your ex came accross the first question, he/she chose the exciting unknown over your unconditional love. Anyone here care to share a similar experience? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Seeker Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Yes, I was the dumper but I didn't want to. He played the victim card. But I would have dumped him way earlier probably during Easter weekend when he acted differently instead of holding it out til the end of school year. Like you, my feelings were stronger than the logical argument. I learned my lesson though! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hodgeheg Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Your post really rings true for me. I've been healing for a while but just recently I've found myself missing him again and wanting to contact him, wanting him back etc. I think I need to remind myself of the reality of our relationship. We'd been together for just over 3 years when he went on a lads holiday and cheated on me. He came home and told me straight away and a part of me wanted to leave but he cried, I cried, he told me it had shown him what I mean to him (I can't believe I fell for that now!) and I decided that I could forgive him because this was who I wanted to grow old with. But, from that point on, no matter how hard I tried to forgive him, I knew deep inside that I hadn't and couldn't. I laid next to him awake many nights, contemplating what my life would be like wthout him. I even, and this is terrible, briefly thought that it would be easier if he just had a fatal accident, then the decision would be out of my hands. I was desperately unhappy but I stayed with him and I did love him. However, I think the reason that I stayed was because I couldn't face being alone. I stayed with him because the familiar unhappiness was more appealing to me than the unknown. I acted like I did because of naivety and fear. This was my first relationship and I honestly didn't believe that I could even breathe without him. So, yes, I definitely did feel like you did. I definitely did think about ending the relationship. I wish that I had because when we did break up I shouldered some of the blame because I distanced myself from him over the last few months (for obvious reasons), but if I had broken up with him because he cheated then I could have had a completely clear conscience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidern Posted February 12, 2012 Author Share Posted February 12, 2012 Familiar unhappiness seems to be the biggest "reason" why dumpers stay in a broken relationship, that is until they find something better. In my case, I believe my ex checked out as soon as she started talking to the new guy. At that point she didn't have much going on in her life (no job or school) and I was her everything. Her expectations kept growing and she started believing that I wasn't going to deliver. Fast forward a couple of months, we're having problems that a couple would normally have after being in a relationship for so long. At this point she's excited because she's almost got a job, and her friendship with this guy is working better than our relationship. My insecurity started to show and asked for more commitment from her side. So, we were dealing with our problems during the day and throughout nights and weekends she's having long conversations and having fun with him. Once she got the job, she decided to kick me out of her life. This process consisted of her stringing me along for a couple of months, initially telling me that she loved me and that she truly regretted acting the way she did and then finally -once things were really "stable"- saying she was no longer in love with me. So, what happened? I was her happiness. I was her everything. Then, as soon as she felt things weren't going according to her expectations, she initiated the check-out process. She matched me with her feelings of sadness and emptiness because I was the only thing she had. Once she got involved with the other guy, she gathered enough energy to do something about her job situation and to let me go. So, instead of focusing this new-found energy on us, she went with whatever made her happy at the time. She kept the job, kept the guy, and left me alone with a bunch of problems to solve on my own. So, it's interesting to see that I was there for her whenever she needed me but as soon as I started having problems she dumped me (same happened the first 3 times as well). Do I miss her? Yes, but I do believe that over time logic is going to take over and make me see things that I originally did not wish to see. I'm shutting down any hope of reconciliation with my ex. She has the right to look for whatever it is that makes her happy, but I'm not going to hang around and wait for her to realize that she made a mistake in associating me with her own personal failures (not that she would ever do that since she seems to be doing great). I chose to be with her when things were going well for me. She chose to be away from me when things were going well for her. My point is, use whatever you can as motivation to help you heal. Improve the old you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aeronca Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 I am in the same exact boat Heidern.............Same issues.... Her failures associated with me ...... And her happiness associated with the new guy.... The only thing I regret doing though.....begging and pleading..And one Lie from me and bad mouthing that gave her the upper hand..And she told the new lad..Look I told you he is an A##Hole ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lansing Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Heidern - What do you mean by "So, it's interesting to see that I was there for her whenever she needed me but as soon as I started having problems she dumped me (same happened the first 3 times as well) "? Did you get back together with her a few times? Or was the first 3 times related to other girls? I also felt like I wanted to break up with the girl I was dating a few times more because I felt like she didn't care and that she was just enjoying things with me for fun/adventure. I tried to bring up the issue but she sort of closed down. In retrospect, I realize that part of the communication issues we were having were related to her ADD. I wish I had known more about it a the time but it probably wouldn't have changed much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liraele Posted February 13, 2012 Share Posted February 13, 2012 Remember that when your ex came accross the first question, he/she chose the exciting unknown over your unconditional love. I still remind myself of this on a regular basis. When it came down to it, he made a choice... it wasn't me. Technically, I was the dumper in our relationship, because I went silent instead of continuing to fight in the face of someone who didn't exhibit any signs of care toward me. But... after that time period, I tried to talk, tried to resolve something, ANYTHING... and was met with anger, cruelty, indifference. He cheated, he lied, and he was mad at ME for not handling it well. And again... He made his choice, it wasn't me. When it came down to it, it was NEVER me, always this other girl, and I should have paid more attention to it and my gut. Became a mantra, even through my crazy parts. I'm sure he's trying to diagnose me with BPD or something at this point... and who can blame him, really? I did act crazy... but I'm not. I had a string of emotionally abusive relationships, and I finally cracked. I visited a shrink... and have a clean bill of mental/emotional health even though I still struggle a bit at times, with anger, with sadness, with frustration. I'm only human, and that's something I tend to forget... and because I've always been "the strong one" other people seem to as well. The saddest part is I think HE does have some mental health issues, especially residual anger from previous relationships... but he likes to bury his head in the sand, so it will always be someone elses "problems" and not his, until he's ready to address it. He always said he has no choice...and I guess, in a way he's right. He chooses to believe that, and so he doesn't see all the doors before him. Instead, he only sees the easy way out... and it is a pattern that has repeated itself through every relationship he's had. I guess it's a sign of how far I've managed to drag myself from that initial breaking point that right now all I wish is that he'd get help in some way, so that he can have the life and relationship he claims he wants with someone. I want him to be healthy, whole, and grow, not stay stagnant. I've also learned, though, that I can't force people to face truths they aren't ready for, and that some people belong firmly in my past, and he is one of them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heidern Posted February 13, 2012 Author Share Posted February 13, 2012 Heidern - What do you mean by "So, it's interesting to see that I was there for her whenever she needed me but as soon as I started having problems she dumped me (same happened the first 3 times as well) "? Did you get back together with her a few times? Or was the first 3 times related to other girls? Yes, she dumped me 3 times during the 6-year span, all those times right around Christmas. As soon as life started changing for her (for the "better") she decided to cut me out of it. The longest break lasted for about 3 months. Liraele- It's nice of you to wish good things for your ex, just remember that your life and your emotional health is what's most important. I would have taken a bullet for my ex, but now it's time for me to channel the feelings I have towards her into personal development and believe that with time I will stop caring about her. Be strong, be positive Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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