Rhia1978 Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Hello all, I really like him - he is 34 and I am 33. We met online just before xmas and hit it off straightaway. We met in person less than a month back and the chemistry and connection and conversation was great. We got intimate on the 2nd date (please don't judge me on this I normally don't do this). We meet twice a week and it's a month since we met. He is normally the person to ask me out. The issue we've been having is with his online profile. He had taken it off after the 2nd date but I left it on since a few days later he mentioned he wanted 'something casual' so I wasn't sure. I did ask him if that meant we could see other people and he said 'not sure but am in no rush'. I had found a replica profile and had kept an eye on it. He had not logged into that since before we met in person. It had no profile pic either. Last Friday I was shocked to see that not only had he uploaded his pic but he was active. So we talked about it and he told me his friend had told him on Wednesday that I'd been online a bit and he was shocked so he did this. I thought we had sorted it out. He told me he was a very lucky man to have a great catch like me - that his biggest fear is to miss the boat and not be married and have kids on time - that he liked me. When he was leaving I told him I'd miss him and he said 'I am already missing you'. Next morning I turned my profile off but I find him online. He had made his pic private though. So I ask him and he tells me he was online clearing his inbox to delete the acct. I left it at that. He wanted to meet that evening and I couldn't. But during the evening I checked and he was online a few times. I was upset and asked him. He told me he only goes on when he's bored, that there's no harm in emailing, that he'd been in relationships up until now and didn't want a 'full on relationship'. I activated my profile and let him know. Next day we caught up and things were fine. We had decided not to talk about it. That's when he mentioned valentines day. He made plans to catch up on Friday as well. Then I notice he was online by the hour and had made his pic public again. I was upset and went online myself but then just finally deactivated my acct - couldn't bear all this. I created a fake profile and contacted him - he responded saying he's interested and is looking forward to my email. I was so upset Later in the evening he texted me but I was cryptic in my answers. He finally said he thinks we need a break for a week or two since the last thing he wants is to hurt me and things were getting messy. Again he said he wanted something casual but this time he said there were no rules which meant we can date others etc. While I agreed in panic I also asked him if we were going to see each other and he said yes but he wanted to take it slow. I asked about this Friday and he said nothing. It was too late in the night anyway. I told him to sleep on it and let me know today. He has been online and hasn't responded yet. He contacted me the next day in the evening - 'Seeya tomorrow'. I didn't respond to that..then later at night he texted 'I'll come over'....and bit later 'I'll come over'. I didn't reply. Next day I texted and told him I had other plans since I thought we were on a break. He responded rather calmly. He said he and his friends were thinking of heading back to the city in any case and that he'll go to the place we had dinner at on Monday since it was 'so so good'. I didn't answer. I had a dinner date that evening - my mobile went flat, I thought I was being stood up and went back to the pub but my friends had left. I gave the bartender the mobile to charge but left for home without taking it back. Yes I was tipsy. I came home and was upset when I realised I didn't have the mobile. I didn't remember where I had left it and was bawling my eyes out when I called him and realised he was still in my neck of the woods. He told me he'll be over. He came over, calmed me down and sorted the problem out - spoke to the bartender, took his number and confirmed that he'll drop the mobile the next day. He stayed over and in the morning not only did he give me a massage without me even asking...but he was making plans to head to the football with me once the season started. He also said 'this break won't happen I guess'. I didn't mention the online dating. I had told him the night before that I had a date. I cannot remember his reaction. In fact I don't think he reacted at all. In the morning I asked him what his plans for the weekend were - he said he was meeting his family and that's it. No mention of dates. He asked me about my weekend and when I hesitated about Sunday he said 'do you have a date?'. I told him I would be hanging with my best friend. I do have a date but I didn't want to tell him. After he left I got my mobile - so I rang him and thanked him and he said 'see no need to cry or worry'. It was lovely of him I think. Later in the day I sent him a text - 'thank you once more - you were there when I needed you. Y'day was special for me and I feel comfortable with you - I feel I can trust you Let me know when you are free - want to see you soon'. It's been over a day and I haven't heard back from him. Am not stressing about it much - just telling you. I have hidden my acct since I need a break myself. I am not checking his cos I know that will hurt me. Not sure why he'd be that kind to me - I so needed someone to help me and he was there for me. My friends are very impressed with him but still the 'casual' and 'dating other people' business along with the online dating profile is bugging me. I don't want to scare him or push him. I will go on my dates but I rather just commit to him. These mixed signals are confusing me. When he's with me we have this amazing connection - I know he wants to take it slow - so do I but I want us to be exclusive. The whole online profile thing I think is a bit of an ego issue for him now - he's being stubborn and I shouldn't push him. Any insight?? Thanks in advance!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 Frankly, I think this guy is wasting your time. He flat out lied to you. That's a major no-no in my book. He made up some (probably) bs story about his friend finding YOU online and then acted like he wasn't still dating other chicks. How do we know he was talking out of his butt? Because he made his profile private and then said that it's ok to email girls or get online when he's bored. If you can sleep with a guy early and not care what happens more power to you. But you slept with someone who's behavior you had not observed over a long period of time. It was only after knowing him a little while that you started asking questions about his behavior. You are acting like there is a commitment and honestly, I understand why. What he says seems good but his actions don't match. This is A#1 red flag behavior. It's a signal that this guy doesn't take you seriously at all. I think you were a little too grateful for him doing something nice. He did something nice. But then you pour your heart out to him as if no one has ever done that before. That's a nice way of getting him to become cocky and believe he 'has you' on his little finger. Honestly, I think that he is a manipulator who is more interested in you when you are distant than any other time. I think he does communicate his real intentions (wanting something casual) but all your hearing is the other rubbish he's feeding you. I would let this fish go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DylanNotorious Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 The whole thing has started off on the wrong foot to begin with. Your style of dating is to date the one person continuously. His style of dating is to multi-date. It does not work (the styles). I think you should find someone who is happy to just date you and see how it goes instead of all this multi-dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 I agree with both posts above. The problem many women face is that they sleep with a guy very quickly, before there is any relationship...and then they hope a relationship will build from that. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. There is way too much drama here and even if you did end up in a relationship with him, if it started off with this much drama, anxiety and stress, it would probably remain that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted February 12, 2012 Share Posted February 12, 2012 First, this is a lot of drama for only dating a month. Your issue revolves around the point that you want an exclusive relationship, and he wants a non-exclusive relationship. Those two just don't mix. You are busy being loyal and faithful and upset constantly about the fact that he is non-exclusive, but he has already told you that is what he wants. You haven't even known this guy a month and he is driving you to drink! That is not a good sign at all.. I think you need to stick to your principles. If you want an exclusive relationship, then don't date a guy who likes to date around. Plenty of guys will agree to be exclusive up front if they are seriously dating and looking for a long term partner. But this guy only wants 'casual' dates. And his words are not lining up. On the one hand he says he's scared because he wants to hurry and find a permanent partner and get serious, but on the other hand he says he only wants to be 'casual' and to see other people. So i think he is not being 100% honest with you. I'd say by the way he is acting he is using you for sex while he continues to look around and for the 'perfect' woman for him. Then when he dumps you, he'll just say, but i always said i only wanted casual... So if you don't want casual, don't date a guy who says he wants casual. You need to stand up for yourself and your own principles. Tell him that if he changes his mind and wants a real relationship where you are exclusive and to date seriously enough to decide whether you are right for each other or not, to call you. But as long as he is casual and dating others, you won't date him because you don't like that kind of arrangement. Frankly i think if you allow 'casual' he'll just string you along until he meets someone who really rings his bell then you won't hear from him. Or else he'll just juggle multiple women forever if that is what he enjoys. He might even get a steady GF while still seeing you on the side, and you'd never know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rhia1978 Posted February 15, 2012 Author Share Posted February 15, 2012 Thanks everyone - tough love does help!! I caught him red handed accepting a sexual proposition from my fake profile. My fake profile asked him directly if he was seeing anyone - he said no. When he was asked if he was sleeping with anyone - he said no. At that point my fake profile told him she was on a coffee break and would show his profile to her friends. Then I sent him the bombshell from my fake profile. Told him one friend said she was seeing him. He immediately took my name and said I knew he was online and had no issues with it. My fake profile quizzed him why he had said no earlier. He said he had slept with me only a 'few times'. Lie. Then I used my fake profile to blast him - told him he was a liar and had hurt my friend and that she didn't want to see him cos he had started with lies. To that he said he only wanted to be friends with me and had no intentions of sleeping with me anymore. He said apparently I was 'OK' with our arrangement. Lie. My fake profile told him that he had hurt me and that she didn't want to lose a friend. She called him shallow and told him he couldn't like her since they hadn't even met and that she wasn't interested in meeting him even if he was - told him it had nothing to do with my decision. My fake profile also told him she didn't understand why I would want to be his friend after all this and that he'd be very lucky if I forgave him. She called him shallow and told him she had no intention of meeting a man who sleeps around. He texted me and lashed out. He said he had spent money to contact my friend and he felt he was being 'witch-hunted'. He said he was having a terrible day and was disappointed in us since he couldn't believe she didn't know he knew me. I answered back and told him I was not even on the site anymore and had nothing to do with her decision. I told him I had given her the go ahead and it was between the 2 of them. I told him not to take it out on me and reminded him of the time his friend hunted me down and made me look like a player. He then changed his story and said 'it wasn't my friend silly it was me'. He calmed down and said he was feeling low on confidence and a bit flat. In the meantime he kept trying to persuade my fake profile to give him a chance and she kept saying no. Then he said the reason he wanted to remain casual with me was cos there was no 'spark'. My fake profile blasted him saying that if there was no spark then how could he tell me he was the 'luckiest man in the world to have a great catch like me', tell me that he liked me, tell me he wanted to visit my home country with me, discuss valentines day with me and tell me we 'are attracted to each other and so the sex is amazing'. My fake profile also reminded him of his late night calls and texts which I never entertained, she reminded him how he initiated 99% of the dates and how he repeatedly said 'I love you' only a couple of weekends back. To that he said most of these were being taken out of context and that he had only discussed valentines day last Friday cos I was distraught. My fake profile told him that was a lie since he had mentioned valentines day without any pressure from me and on last Monday. At the end he said he was thankful to me for giving him the kick and the confidence to get back out there after his 'long 6 month relationship'. In the meantime he had texted me telling me he wanted to be friends and cos he had a weird day he wanted some time to himself. I didn't reply to that. Then later in the evening he texted me again and asked me if I was ok. He said I knew he wasn't a bad person. That he had tried to tell me a relationship between us wouldn't work. That I persisted and he didn't help either. He said he really wanted us to be friends but would understand if I didn't. I didn't respond to that of course. My fake profile has also stopped emailing him after his last 2 emails. It's been 2 days since all this drama. I am wondering if I am doing the right thing by going no contact with him. Now please people I like this guy heaps and I know he is a good kind. I really feel my gut telling me he will come around if I give him a bit of time while he realises what he had. To achieve that I think I should cut off contact with him - but I am scared that out of sight will be out of mind. I am right in not accepting the friendship offer - right? I really don't want negative or judgmental answers. I want constructive answers to ensure that I get the man of my dreams. Please...please let's assume that this is not entirely impossible. And if it's not a completely impossible situation then how can I make it happen? Am I on the right track by not responding to him? Thanks in advance - and once again - the last thing I need are negative and judgmental comments. Please be kind and constructive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 The man of your dreams is someone who will treat you well. This guy hasn't. He has lied and when faced with the option of being with a hot girl, has chosen that option. This is your life, so live it the way you want. But you are 33. Do you really want to waste precious time chasing after a man who doesn't want anything more than casual sex with you? Are you interested in getting married? Having a family? If so, look for someone who wants to commit to you. I hope you gain enough self-esteem to realize you deserve that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I think you should figure out what is triggering your habit of involving youself with men who show no indications of treating you the way you deserve / giving you what you want & need. It sounds like you jumped directly from your last fiasco into this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ParisPaulette Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 I think you need to look back over everything you've written about this man and then seriously, seriously ask yourself why on earth do you think he's a nice guy??? Honestly his story changed every time the wind puffed or a blue car drove by or you pulled another rug out from under him or.or.or...in short he's already proven himself completely incapable of honesty, that he is interested in other women and will trash talk you to them and that he does not want a serious relationship. And that he is entirely too comfortable lying to your face. These are not just red flags--they're glowing orange neon signs 20 feet tall that say "Danger: Keep Away." These are not the earmarks of a "nice guy" and the phone thing wouldn't even have happened if you hadn't been upset by the whole drama. So no him coming to your rescue just meant that like any good conman he saw an opportunity to keep playing the nice guy to make sure you stay played. Run, don't walk, for the exit on this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Since this is obviously a failed dating attempt, I'm not sure what can be said that's not negative or judgmental. This guy is CLEARLY a loser and had you waited to sleep with him you would have found that out, so try that in the future if you don't want to repeat this scenario. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Why is the guy a loser, though? According to OP, he has told her at least 3-4 times that he does not want to be in a relationship with her, only wants something casual, does not want to commit with her, and wants to see other people. She's the one who is electing to ignore all of that and thinking she can change his mind. And I'm sorry, but the fake profile nonsense is just not normal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pl3asehelp Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 Why is the guy a loser, though? According to OP, he has told her at least 3-4 times that he does not want to be in a relationship with her, only wants something casual, does not want to commit with her, and wants to see other people. She's the one who is electing to ignore all of that and thinking she can change his mind. And I'm sorry, but the fake profile nonsense is just not normal. Nothing you mentioned here is why I say he's a loser - it's the lying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
calichick007 Posted February 15, 2012 Share Posted February 15, 2012 They are equally deceptive, IMO. The whole fake profile thing is unreal to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.