Heidern Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Haven't talked to my ex-fiancee since a couple of days after Christmas. Didn't check her FB page or message her for two weeks, then kinda checked out her page and see that she has moved on after being in a 6-year relationship (we broke it off end of August last year). After looking at her page, I'm not really feeling anything for her but disappointment. I mean, if she were to show up to my door right now I don't know how I would react or anything, but I'm beginning to find some peace and finally starting to concentrate on other things. OK, so here's my question (out of curiosity): since she's the one who doesn't want to take me back, why would she post non-sense about having a broken heart when she was already emotionally involved with someone a couple of months prior to our breakup? I think she truly believes I was 100% responsible for our breakup, which is true if you consider "waiting too long to get married" as a valid excuse. Thoughts? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 hi - i don't know your history, but i'm sure that she's sad about the breakup, given her post of having a broken heart. maybe things didn't work out with the other guy either. love is complicated. you can be with someone but miss someone else. why didn't you want to marry her? Link to comment
secretlife Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 It's possible to have to give up on someone and still have a broken heart about it. Like she could have loved you but it wasn't right for her (which I know it makes no sense, why would someone break up with you if they love and care about you), but well, first of all, if she broke up with you, just let it go. I think when someone gives up on you that's it, and you deserve to find the right person for you. She probably really did feel hurt over it. Either that or she felt ashamed and guilty so wanted to justify her actions and make herself out to be the victim. It really depends on what type of a person she is. I'm sure either way she really did feel some degree of pain. Link to comment
aerobfa Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Probably a little bit of both. It's too soon for you to be "finally" moving on, but it seems like you are progressing. It's just your brain trolling you, making you question and rethink everything. I am sort of in your situation. Four year relationship ended last June and she was emotionally involved with someone month prior to our breakup. We were both so in love with each other after four years but one of the biggest reasons she broke it off was "I waited too long to get engaged" deal. And she 100% blames me for the relationship failing and I truly believe one reason she broke it off was to spite me because of that. Now she has a boyfriend she's living with. If your reading comments like that on FB, she's probably trying to get sympathy and support by possibly playing the victim. I know my ex did that FB sympathy game a lot.The best thing I can tell you is to block her on FB. It took me six months to do it, but it will truly help you move on faster and keep your brain from trolling any further. Good luck! Link to comment
Heidern Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 Nice, great solid advice guys. To answer your question Annie, I did want to marry her. I was (still am) in the process of finishing school while working, and it's no easy task. We were engaged for two years and she was constantly questioning my desire to marry her. I didn't pull the trigger because we weren't ready for it financially speaking. She moved over here from her country of origin at the beginning of the year to stay closer to me, but immediately got involved emotionally with someone else. I don't think they're formally together, but after our breakup she told me she liked him. I could tell you the whole story, but it would be pretty long. Basically, I get that I had my flaws, I just don't understand why she blames me for it when I'm "such a nice guy." I think you guys are right, she's trying to find something to validate her decision. She's the kind of person who can't stand being by herself either, so currently she's surrounded by her friends and the other guy. I truly wish it would have worked out, she was my everything... But there's only so much I can do at this point. I need to stay on track and move on Edit: The day we broke up she confessed that at some point she had liked this guy but then got over him (lies, as evidenced by their facebook conversations which were sent to me by one of his secret admirers). She said she needed to experience the feeling that you get in the beginning of a new relationship (butterflies and the like) but that she could in no way compare me to him. A few months later they're best pals and she's telling me she doesn't feel anything for me anymore. It took her a 2 or 3 months of being away from me and talking to this guy to move on and reach that conclusion... Sheesh. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I have heard of these two-year (or multi-year) engagements and I don't get it. It would make me feel unloved too. Link to comment
Heidern Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 I have heard of these two-year (or multi-year) engagements and I don't get it. It would make me feel unloved too. Why is that? Engagement implies commitment and love from both parties. Also, if only one of those two people is working to get things done financially then it kinda makes sense that it would take that long. Doesn't it? Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 an engagement is a promise to marry. to me, an engagement means that we are actively planning the wedding. what does 'financially ready' mean for you? you could have gotten married in city hall - super cheap. Link to comment
Heidern Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 an engagement is a promise to marry. to me, an engagement means that we are actively planning the wedding. what does 'financially ready' mean for you? you could have gotten married in city hall - super cheap. Financially ready meant just having enough room to have the wedding, money for an apartment, bills that came in while I finished my last semester of school. I was hoping she could go to school and didn't really have to work, though she was open to the idea of working too. With these crappy economic times I didn't really feel right doing things earlier... I would have hated to see her struggle in the case I lost my job. I voiced my concerns to her. I guess she really thought I didn't want to marry her, though, and began to move away from me. Given that I traveled to her country last year and talked to her about us getting married at the beginning of this year, I thought she was going to do what she said she would do: come here, get a job, and help me out so we could do things earlier. She then proceeded to getting emotionally attached to someone else and as soon as she got the job she left me. I'm not mad at her for leaving me, I'm ticked at the way she did it. I still love her a lot and would definitely do things in a more decisive manner if I had another chance, but at this point there isn't much I can do. I'm pretty sure she doesn't hate me either, maybe she really did get tired of waiting for me... The love was there, but I guess my attitude was a bit to pessimistic. I think I owe her an apology for that a couple of months down the line, when we can see each other as friends again. I gave her 6 years of my life, but she also gave me 6 years of hers. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 something else to think about - i don't know on what kind of a visa she came to the US on, but she can't stay indefinitely, if she is not married to a US citizen (and even then she has to start the immigration proceedings). I guess if she was waiting around for you for 2 years, without seeing any action, and she has to do something to stay in this country, i can't say I'm surprised that she met someone new. Maybe she figured if you aren't going to marry her after 6 years, you aren't going to marry her at all, so she'd best find someone who will. so she can stay in the us. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 I agree with Annie. To most women, if you want to marry then you get married. You can experience tough economic times post-marriage too. You are supposed to be a team working on these things together. I wouldn't stay with someone for six years without marriage. But that's me. Link to comment
KYRiverGrl Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 One of the biggest reasons I moved out on my ex was because he never brought the subject of marriage up. Alot of people say it's a piece of paper (which is partially true) but I feel in my heart that guys marry the women they know (or feel) who are right for them, and drag their feet on women they are unsure about. I also felt I was not totally trusted because he did not pop the question till I told him I was moving out for sure (which was NOT authentic; he was trying to keep me there -- and 3 weeks after I moved w/us being together he dumped me for a mutual friend). So ... yeah multi-year engagements don't work for most people. Either you * * * * or get off the pot as they say! Link to comment
Eocsor Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Long engagements, short engaements, living common law, whatever. If you are really connected with someone and in love it doesn't matter. It's only when there are other problems that these kind of things come up. The length of the engagement really isn't the issue Link to comment
Heidern Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 @Annie: she wouldn't do something like that, she doesn't really have to stay here. I understand these things wear on women, but in my case it tore apart as well. Looking back at it I should have gotten married, regardless of the consequences. My love for her has always been great, she was my first girlfriend and I was her first boyfriend; we were hoping that would be the case for a long time. Now that I've heard a woman's perspective I feel really bad about it. I never quit loving her, never had anyone else lined up or anything like that... I was just waiting for the right moment and it seems that moment is gone now. FML. Link to comment
annie24 Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Long engagements, short engaements, living common law, whatever. If you are really connected with someone and in love it doesn't matter. It's only when there are other problems that these kind of things come up. The length of the engagement really isn't the issue well, this is why i brought up her visa status. it can really matter! OP - I don't know how motivated your gf was to stay in the US, but if she was, I can see why she moved on.... Link to comment
Heidern Posted January 24, 2012 Author Share Posted January 24, 2012 I don't think she'll be marrying this guy any time soon, he's about 5 years younger and I'm not even sure if he's a citizen. Either way, now I feel like I need to talk to her and apologize for taking so damn long -not that it matters now since she seemed pretty set on not changing her mind. I think I'm going to leave her alone, let her do the things she needs to do. I feel that at this point any contact from me is just going to push her further away. I'm not going to hang on to the hope of us getting back together either... It's sad because I love her and don't see myself with anyone in the near future, but she deserves to be happy (as we all do!) Link to comment
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