Just Not the Same Person I Was

[Philabonia]

Guys,

 

To be honest, I have felt like this for a long time now. I only acknowledge it now b/c the quasi-relationship I am in now is on the precipice of becoming serious, and I don't want to hurt her.

 

My ex left me in June, 2010. It was out of the blue, and it destroyed me. I swung the emotional spectrum for a year - lost myself in a bottle, went from the tender poet to a mean, jaded SOB, and then back again. I have finally balanced out, if you could call the absence of real emotion a balance. I still miss my ex no matter what I do. I think I will until I find someone that takes her place.

 

Only problem is, no one does. You see, I have a lot of guilt and regret when it comes to that relationship, and the way it ended was pretty horrible. That pain still aches inside today, though I am much better at hiding it now. I just bury, and move on with my life. I keep telling myself "the past is just that" - and I move on. But, I still cannot fill the hole she left.

 

Before her, I wanted to love someone so deeply. It was a main goal in my life - to find someone and be happy. Now, its just something I do, because I feel like everyone in their mid-20's should be out mingling. Honestly, though, it just feels like a chore at times.

 

Anyways, the girl I am seeing now is great, but there just isn't a spark like there was with my ex. There's really nothing physically, though she's extremely pretty and very sweet. I just feel...nothing. Before her, I dated other women on and off, and it was the same story - just no spark, no real emotion. I just felt so empty, and I was going through the motions b/c I thought that "if I don't put myself out there, no one will want to be with me." So I do this over and over - I search, and find nothing but the same loneliness I have felt for the past 2 years, and then I find myself wondering about my ex. Sometimes I want to contact her, but I never will. Ever.

 

I just don't know what to do. Before this girl, I blamed all women subconsciously for what my ex did, and it was a struggle to not to be callous. I would tell myself "treat them like you would treat her if you got a second chance." But the problem was, they were not her, and i would end up hurting them. With this girl, I really do not want to hurt her. She is such a good person, and deserves better than my broken self.

 

Do I just swear off relationships? I'm thinking about it - they just seem to cause me pain, and I cannot handle the past. I mean, its been two years!! I should be long over this, but the truth is I am not. I don't want to break things off with this one, because she is such a genuinely good and level-headed person, but then again I don't need to just go through the motions.

 

Like I said, I have felt this way for a long time (since mid-summer, when i got back from a long trip). I feel I am just very depressed about what happened with my ex, and it is a wound that just will not close. I really am thinking about just not looking for anyone anymore - its just too much pain, and I end up causing too much to be any use to anyone long-term.

 

Appreciate any feedback.

[camus154]

Is your avatar picture supposed to tie back to your ex?

[Philabonia]

heh - i should probably change that. Thanks for call-out It did at one point. I think its about time for a refresher.

[22n32]

We all have been there it hurts like hell..

 

It seems u hold all ur standards which u have linked to what u had or got from ur ex.

 

Maybe because of this u dweel on it.. not allowing u to fully move on, and nobody can compare to ur ex and what u shared..

 

But really.. that's not how it is.. ur needs and wants can change..

 

There are many great girls outhere and they all have diff things u can share with or even learn from eachother creating a real superior bond..

 

But u have to be open to it.. which u don't seem to be doing.. because ur ex holds the holy grail to what is right and makes u happy.. this is a delusion in a way..

[macadamia]

Stop searching. When it's the right time it will find you. In the meantime stop getting involved with people knowing that you're just going to have to end it. It's not fair to other people who are looking for someone they want to get serious with. It's a waste of their time and it's selfish (not being harsh just honest). I'm not religious but I do see the benefit in periods of abstinence. When you're not on the hunt for casual encounters that you have to find a way to eventually worm your way out of it gives you time to clear out your head space.

[quirky]

What do you think has been holding you back the most? Is it that you can't forgive, you can't understand? Did you feel you had a final talk with her, told her all you wanted to say?

 

I was a bit like that too. It took me 2 years and if I'm honest I never got over it (got back together with him for 1 year and split up again recently). It hurt me on such profound level, I lost my sense of wonder about this world, lost all faith in love and people and had what you'd call overall a crashed spirit. There were other big changes going on in my life at that time though that defined what felt like a Loss of Innosence.

 

After quite a while I realised that in some twisted way..I didn't want to let go. I had idealistic views about love and me being attached to him, through my pain for him, allowed those idealistic views to still exist. I felt dead without that idealism of love being forever and deep etc. The secret is to WANT to let go, to WANT to be happy. DOING a lot of things although helpful still doesn't mean you get over them. If anyone sees what I do they would be like OMG, you're so proactive etc but in reality it was a way to cover up the pain or just an inner panic of 'I feel so s***, I HAVE to do something'.

 

Anyway, I guess what I am saying is there's a different kind of letting go. And it starts with defining what it is that keeps you stuck there. What are the payoff's for still thinking about it? What don't you have to face?

 

An exercise I did was 'what is it I got from my ex and now feel so empty without'. Example: we used to do lots of random, quirky things together. And I missed that terribly. I then slowly looked for new people that I could relate in that way. You can find them through activities groups or link removed.

Make a list of all the things you felt you got from hanging around with her and how you can get those from other sources now.

 

I think it's great you've been able to see someone for a while and if you genuinely believe she's worth it you can work on yourself a little bit while still being with her (meet 2 instead of 3 times a week for example and make some time just for yourself to figure out what's unresolved there and how you can move forward).

[Philabonia]

Wow. What a great post. I feel exactly as you did.

 

The thing is, I never spoke to her after she broke up with me. She wouldn't respond no matter what I did, and she pretended like we never happened. I was with this girl for three years, and didnt see it coming in the least bit. It was, as you said, a profound, devastating loss. It definitely changed me, and I felt completely lost in the world. I too had a lot of changes go on in my life at the same time - I started a graduate school program, moved away, and was pretty much totally on my own in every imaginable way for the first time.

 

The more I think about it in the way that you recommended (looking at why I cant let go-what I miss about her), I think it has a lot to do with that she defined my old life. We lived together, and pretty much did everything together in that life, and I miss everything that that world encompassed. My world is totally different, wit no semblance of the past, so I guess the general nostalgia, mixed with the pain of never really understanding why she ended it, makes for a pretty deep hole to climb out of.

 

As for her, I miss her quirkiness, honestly; she was incredibly funny (though she thought I never found her to be) and very patient, something that I am severely lacking. She was a pacifying force in my world, mixed with just enough humor to make whatever we did, even the boring stuff, fun. She was my incessant optimist, and my break from the life I lived (she was entirely different than me in a lot of ways - something I loved).

 

I guess I dont want to let go of both the past and her, because I am in a transitional period in life, where there isnt much pleasure to be had. The new woman in my life is just a continuation of that world (she works in my field), and it seems that I cannot get a break from reality, like my ex was.

 

As I said, there are some very deep issues that I must deal with, but as all of you guys said, I have to want to move on. I guess I have just gotten used to the pain and missing her, though to be honest, I barely remember the way her voice sounds. She's just gained so much significance in my mind that she encompasses everything good about the past, and its hard to let go of that in its entirety.

 

Oh jeez.

[quirky]

I can relate so much to what you are writing and it makes sense that you are finding it difficult. I felt so similar with my ex. We had our own little random world, I felt at home with him. And I can totally relate to making every little thing fun..we had so many quirky things we did (though I have to say I had most suggestions..hehe). The time we were apart I felt that I had lost my playmate and fun is really important to me. I lived with him too. I also had moved away abroad and nothing was familiar any more. I wanted to speak about that 'life' I had but noone could really relate and the loneliness I felt was very deep. Overall I felt that I lost my IDENTITY. My belief system was shaken to the core, I must have been so naive about love. It sounds like you went through a similar thing, that's why I am sharing my experience. Maybe it's an idea to re-define your identity..who you are without her, without that world, who you want to be.

 

Thing is you guys are not together any more. I can imagine how it may still hurt when people say it. I used to cry when people told me that and think inside (no, no, it's not true, I can't believe it). It is the truth and the facts of today though. I honestly feel for you that she just disappeared, I would be utterly shocked. But you can't live on a fantastical world, you can heal your pain but always look at the facts of today.

 

my break from the life I lived

 

This is something to consider. Do you like the life you live now? Do you feel like you need a break/distraction still? Only you can build the life you live and the more you build it around your true dreams the less you will need someone to provide a break.

 

I am in a transitional period in life, where there isnt much pleasure to be had

 

a break from reality, like my ex was.

 

How so? Are you studying/working in a field you don't enjoy?

 

Listen..I won't lie here. As I said in the first post I never got over it until I got another chance with him. But for me it was different because he was equally miserable and kept breaking NC. But now we're over again. What helps is being back in the UK, having that 'life' again. But just without him. So although there is a loss it's not as huge as before. Are you planning on staying in the place you are? Do you think going back where you lived before would help?

[FreeFallFeelin]

It's normal to take a long time to get over a meaningful relationship. But yearning for someone, feeling sorry for ones self, and all that kind of stuff is addictive. It's weird because it's painful and annoying, but those thought patterns and emotions are addictive. Sounds like you've realized you have a little bit of an addiction to your ex. And realizing you have the addiction is the first step in breaking it. In the meantime, don't get too discouraged. It typically takes a long time to find a "special" partner. Just try to enjoy the moments you have and be thankful that you can have them.

[ewr]

I feel...well...felt...the same way about my ex. she kind of "filled in" all the "missing" parts of my personality, and I hers, and made "us". FreeFallin is totally right though, it it easy to fall into addictive patterns of idealizing and feeling that if you are not yearning for them any longer, you don't care enough, it becomes a struggle between heart and mind.

 

Something I think we should all take from this thread, is that we are all naming qualities about our ex's that we miss, and if you read each post they are almost identical qualities.....so doesn't that mean there are more than just our ex out there if we all had one of these girls/guys!?!?!