A long explanation, but in need of help, please.....

[lemoneater17]

Alright, so i'm new to this site but just have no idea where to turn to or even how to deal with this.

 

So me and my girlfriend met freshman year of highschool and dated for a month. It was great, we thought we were in love but i was so sure but then at one point told her i had doubts and we just broke up because we were immature and didn't know what to do. Let me tell you this, she had a boyfriend before we went out and i was talking with her a bunch and helped her during struggling with her boyfriend, and may have caused their breakup although she said i didn't. Right after they broke up, we got together. Anyways that was the past. After me and her broke up she got together with another guy during the summer of 9th grade, and she was with him until january of 11th grade.

Now, our relationship. We started talking again in march of 11th grade, and it was like we had never been broken up, we both were really into each other and she said she just wasn't stable at this point. She's always been a very nice girl, and studious, but she said she had just recently "hooked up" with some guys, making out only. But she didn't feel like she should be, or really what she said is her friends wouldn't approve, of her being in a relationship. So we hung out a bunch, and really started being in a relationship at this point, but under the radar of her friends because she cared so much.

THis went on for about a month, then we were "dating". I always didn't like putting a label on relationships, like "asking" a girl out was when the relationship started? no. But we can call it us "going out" at this point, when she told her friends i "asked her out". We were together all summer and bonded a lot, did everything together creating a super strong relationship, and very trustworthy. I did everything i could to make her happy because that's what made me happy, we were in love. We did everything sexual except sex because she didn't want to, and i respected that. We talked about it a bunch, and she told me she wanted to take her time, I'd lost my virginity to a senior the year before and it meant nothing to me so i understood. At the end of the summer we went to the coast with my family, and after watching a beautiful sunset together, she hugged me and told me she loved me, and i told her i loved her, and she said she wanted to have sex. So, that night in the beach house, i took her virginity and she tells me all the time it was the best it could have been.

 

Our senior year was the strongest bonding point i think. We hung out all the time, before school most days, during lunch almost everyday. After school, before her basketball practices, sometimes afterwards, at night, weekends always. Any free time i had i devoted to hanging with her because she makes me so genuinely happy. We literally never fought over anything, she didn't like that i smoked tobacco, and neither did i, but i did, never around her though, ever.

Our senior year, February 5th to be exact, 2011, two of our friends died in a horrible accident. It was at a beach called Smelt Sands National Park. The story was horrible and still gives me chills and makes me sad, they were two contestants in a pageant called Mr. Axemen ( the axemen being our mascot), the winner is the boy who raises the most money, which in the end all the money goes to the Children's Miracle network. These boys were two of the probable winners, one was a basketball star and one of the most popular kids at school, my friend through friends, and someone who was genuinely nice as well as smart. The other was a thai boy who i worked with at our saturday market(although he worked at another booth i knew him well) who was never seen without a smile, everyone said this about him as well as he was the kindest most gentle person they knew, and he was gay(beside the point). So during our very long period of grief throughout my school, and for me and my girlfriend we were together, always. We stayed together throughout the nights until late, always hung out during the days and just manifested our relationship even more. Being together through this greif probably is what multiplied our love for each other by a million, because we would talk about everything and help each other work through it. I really didn't share much because i never have been someone to talk about my emotions, but she helped me do that and talk to her and other people about it, she and i just helped each other process so much.

Anyways, after this intense ending to our senior year, we were so bonded together. We spend literally all summer this last year together, went to a festival i go to, went on my family camping trip, went camping with friends, went on bike rides, walks, watched movies ate, and slept over only a couple times. We were soul mates, and still are.

 

So, she went to college in Massachusetts, and we lived in oregon (i still do), almost 3000 miles away. We talked a lot about our break up before she left but never really got to a conclusion, just that we couldn't be together anymore because, we weren't together.. She planned to and still does plan to attend all 4 years, if not a 5th year there. She came back only for winter break, Dec.22-January 14, and we hung out all the time again, we talked a bunch and came to the conclusion that we just can't be together for 4 more(or 5) years like this. That we both need to move on, but we both very much don't want to. It just hurts so much, because we talk, and skype but can't be together, or touch... We set some boundaries this time, to help us move on, like trying no contact for a month, but she called me the minute she left, and when she got to mass. She told me how hard it was for her, and how she didn't want to do it, and said i love you, But i tried to help and tell her there was no other way, and that she knew the feelings i had for her, it just had to be unless i went to school there or she came back. But we are both so in love, and i dont know what to do.

How do you fall out of love? We both don't want this, but there seems like no choice.... I constantly think of her still, and nothing in this world makes me happier than her, i stopped smoking tabacco a few months ago, and marijuana way less(not even weekly), and started doing school more, and working more to take up my time, i just don't know how to be happy without her, or what even makes me happy besides being active. my roomates, friends really, annoy me now and still smoke both, i don't enjoy being at my house besides in my room and doing homework.. so i just am alone sometimes and constantly think of her.

 

What do i do? Should i try to go to school there? i could never tell her to come back, i always put her before me, always, many nights and days in the very very beginning when i would hate doing things, but never tell her and always make her happy. I've always put her first, not that she is gone im just a lost traveler, wondering in the world... please help if you can.... im 18 btw and this is the longest relationship i've been in, but feel like she is worth everything. We really bonded physically, emotionally, and spiritually as people.