megs1000 Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Next week I'm leaving London and going overseas for 6 months. I feel like time is ticking on and i need to make a decision as to what to do. I've posted several times about my ex, who disappeared without a word just over 2 months ago. As he's done this several times before I didnt chase him or beg him for answers - I haven't contacted him since, thinking he would eventually get in touch when he wanted to. He hasn't, other than 'liking' one of my photos on fb last week (he has deactivated his profile, but reactivated it just ti do that, then went again). But I am left with this feeling of no closure. I feel the need for some kind of contact with him before I leave, for me, not him... I don't want to reconcile, I just feel i need to mentally shut the door, otherwise I'm really scared that I may waste the next 6 months abroad wondering whether sending him an email of sorts would have given me the small closure I need and make my 6 month adventure so enjoyable. And if I don't will I always have this knot in my stomach, this need for some kind of goodbye? I'm scared that won't go away all by itself, and sending this email may be the relief I need, the tool to shut that door, and be able to move forward feeling so much better. But I'm also scared that if I send it I'll wish I hadn't. I'll always wonder whether he would have contacted me eventually. But is that just mental torture - as someone on here said, seeing who can hold their breath the longest? But people must urge no contact for a reason? I know he really doesn't deserve an email from me and it certainly shouldn't be me reaching out to him, but I'm sick of playing games and I am doing this for me - I want to make the most of the next 6 months abroad, and I don't want a shadow to be cast over it by this feeling of lack of closure. I guess I need a kick to remind me why I shouldn't contact him. Or should I just do it. Swallow my pride, and let it out, then go away with the weight off my mind? The email is not asking questions or laying into him (other than saying I am not going try and understand what happened), it's simply a goodbye, take care message. I know because of the things he's done he doesn't deserve anything, but it's my healing I'm concerned about, not his. Sorry for seeking advice about this again, but I need to decide what to do this week. Thanks so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freiabereinsam Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I haven't read your other threads about this guy so I am not sure about the history. However, if you truly feel you need to hear from him to get closure, I don't think email is the way to go. He may not respond and you'll just be checking your email obsessively. If I were you I'd just go to his house or where ever I knew I could find him -- track him down in person, have your 5-minute conversation of closure, and then never look back. Make sure to look really hot when you see him just so he'll feel extra bad about what he's going to be missing. ;-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amorterra Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I think if you should do whatever you feel you need to do to get closure. If you don't get closure, you'll have a harder time moving on. Just make sure it really is for goodbye and to move on, and not to provoke a response. Definitely go no contact afterward, though, even if he does happen to respond. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning2relax Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 What do you believe are the benefits of sending a letter that will allow you to enjoy your time abroad? While you are stating that you are seeking closure, isn't it really about seeking a response from him that you have been waiting for and haven't received? If this is a possibility, why is it so important for you to get attention from someone that has little respect for you? Why does it make you feel insecure to the point of convincing yourself to attempt to get a response from him? Ask yourself, what do you gain from giving up the dignity that you have had the strength to maintain up unitl this point? There are two possible responses from him that you could receive in sending the letter. One, that he responds. What do you want to hear? What will it do to the progress that you made to this point and how will you feel having been the one to cause or force this interaction? Two, he could not respond. That is a response as well even if it doesn't appear as a visible response to you. How will you feel? You may be risking your ability to get the most of your trip from where you are having not contacted him, remaining strong while keeping your dignity in tact. The risk is that now instead of being preocupied with his not contacting you prior to your departure - which you have been coping with for some time, you are creating a new preoccupation for yourself to be distrated with - keeping you from getting the most that you could possibly get from your trip. Either way, either response disrupts the journey that you have been so strong in taking to this point. Either response requires your sacrificing your honor and respect of yourself. So I ask you, is either response worth the sacrifice and risk you are contemplating making? If you do not send a communication his way, you remain where you are today and leave for your trip in the better position to ensure your enjoyment for the experience. You are that much closer to acceptance right now having been so strong and honoring yourself and preserving your dignity with him abandoning you which in my opinion is very disrespectful and dishonorable. You have done a great job being there for yourself when he wasn't. All I ask is that you choose carefully. You have done so well to this point. Quite inspirational really. Why give this up for a man that has done nothing more than show you in the past that he is only capable of being selfish by showing up when he wants you back and disappearing when he needs something else - without regard, respect and consideration for you and your feelings. Try to find your own closure and muster up a little more strength to hang on to your resolve to get to your destination, and then just a little more strength to allow yourself to choose to enjoy your time abroad and make it the best experience for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 Thank you so much for the replies. And Learning2relax - thank you. Those are exactly the words I need to hear. I am quite proud of myself for getting this far. And I don't want to ruin that, and in effect break everything I've achieved over the past few months. I guess if I can get through this week and get on that plane without having broken NC, and maintained my strength and dignity I may feel a real sense of achievement. And you're right - the 2 possible responses would do me no good at all. A positive response would send me reeling, as firstly it would have been instigated by me, so how would I ever know if it was genuine, and secondly it would confuse me as to why he has put me through this hell for the last 2 months. And no reponse, much as I like to think i could deal with it, and that would be the slap in the face i need to close the door, i think it would actually crush me and I would go away feeling far worse than I do now. And he would be left with the satisfaction of knowing I have been thinking about him constantly all this time. I think my need to contact him is so strong at the moment partly because I'm going through a hugely life-changing point in my life. I'm moving out of my flat this weekend, and am sitting here surrounded my boxes, waiting for someone to come and collect my last piece of furniture from ebay, and my final day at work is on Friday. I'm excited about going away, but massively scared, and I just wish he had the decency to be here for me and support me (let alone help me with all these boxes!!) - which he told me he would be shortly before vanishing. I guess at these times you want to reach out to those you've been closest to for love and support. But luckily I have friends who are totally behind me on it. And the fact he's not here should be evidence enough that I should absolutely not be reaching out to him. Selfish @##hole. Thanks so much. I will re-read your post over and over again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
learning2relax Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 As exciting as big changes can be, they are also scary. It gets worse as you get older too. We are creatures of habit and while in our youth we are better with taking leaps of faith or trying something completely different, age tends to quiet those desires. I applaud your taking this huge step. What you are doing reminds me of the book Eat, Pray, Love. Although the story is about an intentional journey after facing failed relationships to find her spirit again. Yours is similar. You planned is journey, and it might be just what you need to move past this relationship and gain better insight into the type of relationship you desire and that best compliments you while enhancing your personal happiness. Try and identify what important lessons you learned from this one to take with you into an exciting future. What you learn from a failed relationship may assist in your better identification of your desires for your next relationship and what is non-negotiable, to help you recognize what is best for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
offplanet Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 The only way to get closure is to give it to yourself! He is never going to give you closure. Any contact you have with him is going to open the door for more turmoil. You are the only one who has the power to close the door , in your mind and psyche. It has to come from you. Sending the email is trying to open the door, actually, for more. Please just go on the trip with no word to him. It's not long to go now, and it will be turning point for you to go through with this. It will give you power for the future. It will make a huge difference to you, to resist this urge. You know it's the wrong thing to do, anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Closure comes from within. Contacting him won't give you closure..it will just temporarily satisfy the fix you need to be in communication with him. Once you get that fix you will want it again and again. There will never be any closure because there will always be one other uncertainty that keeps you from moving on. The way to get closure and move on is to keep reminding yourself that there already has been closure. He has walked away from you without a word and has done this to you many times before. Your closure is realizing that the guy is a jerk and not worth your time and effort. Focus on your exciting adventure to come...yes, it is scary to leave behind familiar things and go to the unknown...but at the same time it is a brand new chapter in your life. Your old chapter with the ex is over and has been over for a while...accept that as your closure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pippy longstocking Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I haven't read the other responses but I have read you previously talking about this.. I honestly think you should send the email ....this is for you ..its clear you need to do this for yourself , for your own peace of mind and to be able to fully move forward and enjoy your new venture. go for it ...get it all out in one , and feel your peace ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 Hmm thanks shooting star - i really am torn, but there are some posts above that make a lot of sense. While I want to, I think it may do me more harm than good and I am risking going away feeling worse than I do now and kicking myself for being weak and sending it. While I'm scared of kicking myself for not sending it, i think the harm caused by sending it might be worse than I think. And the way he's treated me he really should be the one reaching out to me. L2R it's funny you mention Eat Pray Love - my mum actually sent me the book. There are many similarities. It is so scary, change (and especially change on this scale) is hugely daunting, but I know that am not really happy plodding along with my current life, especially as a single girl, and nothing is going to change unless i make it happen. And I want to do something really worthwhile that makes me happy, and hopefully one day meet someone who share similar values and really values me. It's difficult. I don't want to regret not sending the mail. But i guess once I get there and see how i feel then, I could always decide to send one from overseas if I really feel it's the right thing to do. Maybe I need to give myself that chance to see how I feel when I get there as being somewhere else and starting a new adventure may be the closure I need. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 I've posted several times about my ex, who disappeared without a word just over 2 months ago. Well, unless he was abducted by aliens or something equally unusual, that sends a strong statement that he either has a very distorted perception of how to respect someone he's in a relationship with, and/or he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. As he's done this several times before I take it he wasn't abducted by aliens those times? Kind of reduces the likelihood of that theory then. I didnt chase him or beg him for answers - I haven't contacted him since, Good. thinking he would eventually get in touch when he wanted to. Did he do that previous times? He hasn't, other than 'liking' one of my photos on fb last week (he has deactivated his profile, but reactivated it just ti do that, then went again). Facebook is not really what I would consider a suitable communication medium, especially for relationships, and especially for broken relationships. But I am left with this feeling of no closure. That's not a feeling of no closure. That's a feeling of hope. That he'll come back to you. But if he did, then what would you do? Seriously? He has so little respect for you and the relationship that he flits in and out of it like a ghost? I feel the need for some kind of contact with him before I leave, for me, not him... Yes, that's that feeling of hope again. Or a feeling of wanting to tell him he's an arse. I don't want to reconcile, Are you sure? I just feel i need to mentally shut the door, Then shut it. It's your heart stopping you, not anything he hasn't told you (by disappearing, he's given you all the information you need to know). otherwise I'm really scared that I may waste the next 6 months abroad wondering whether sending him an email of sorts would have given me the small closure I need and make my 6 month adventure so enjoyable. You'll worry a whole lot more if you send it and he doesn't respond. And if I don't will I always have this knot in my stomach, this need for some kind of goodbye? Goodbye? He already said goodbye with his actions. I'm scared that won't go away all by itself, and sending this email may be the relief I need, the tool to shut that door, and be able to move forward feeling so much better. I think you'll feel so much worse. But I'm also scared that if I send it I'll wish I hadn't. I think you're correct there. I'll always wonder whether he would have contacted me eventually. Given his behavior in the past, the only way you have even the slightest hope of a solid reconciliation is if he contacts you first. But is that just mental torture - as someone on here said, seeing who can hold their breath the longest? No, that's a competition or a game. You're not in a game. He left, forcing you to accept that and move on. But people must urge no contact for a reason? The reason is to move on as quickly and efficiently and as thoroughly as possible when someone makes it clear they no longer want a relationship with you, no matter how they do that. A positive consequence of that is that IF the person who walked away does make overtures towards coming back to you, you're in a healthier position to rationally decide what you want to do about that. I know he really doesn't deserve an email from me So don't give him what he doesn't deserve. Give him what he does deserve, which is nothing. and it certainly shouldn't be me reaching out to him, It will certainly look like that to him. but I'm sick of playing games and I am doing this for me No, if you send one, you are playing games. - I want to make the most of the next 6 months abroad, Then do. Do the actions necessary to make the most of it, and your feelings will catch up eventually. and I don't want a shadow to be cast over it by this feeling of lack of closure. It's not a lack of closure feeling, it's an attachment feeling to him and/or the relationship. Take actions to disconnect (by NOT sending any emails) and eventually your feelings will catch up. Don't prolong the process. I guess I need a kick to remind me why I shouldn't contact him. *Kick* Or should I just do it. Swallow my pride, and let it out, then go away with the weight off my mind? You're not talking about swallowing your pride, and all that will happen is you will replace one weight with another. The email is not asking questions or laying into him (other than saying I am not going try and understand what happened), it's simply a goodbye, take care message. I know because of the things he's done he doesn't deserve anything, but it's my healing I'm concerned about, not his. Then save all your energy for yourself. Don't give him any. but I need to decide what to do this week. No you don't. You can put it off and say to yourself you'll send him an email in a month or two or three if you feel like it, AFTER you've completely healed. How do you know when you've completely healed? When you don't need to post a thread here asking if you should send an email or not Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
megs1000 Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 Thank you winniethepooh. I've read quite a few of your posts on here and I like your straight talking. I'm glad I posted this morning. When I have this dialogue going back and forth in my head I drive myself crazy going round in circles.. should I, shouldn't I etc.. and I need some objective reasoning to tell me the answer. And it's so great to get it on here. I will keep reading these posts until the crazy part of my brain gets it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted January 15, 2012 Share Posted January 15, 2012 Thank you winniethepooh. I've read quite a few of your posts on here and I like your straight talking. Ha ha, nice one My ex didn't though ... or maybe I didn't talk straight enough to her . I'm glad I posted this morning. When I have this dialogue going back and forth in my head I drive myself crazy going round in circles.. should I, shouldn't I etc.. and I need some objective reasoning to tell me the answer. And it's so great to get it on here. I will keep reading these posts until the crazy part of my brain gets it! It's not the crazy part of your brain, it's your broken hurting heart that is making your head go crazy. Try not to let it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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