his birthday... and a smidgen of contact from him... hmm what should i do?

[megs1000]

ok i could just do with some advice...

 

If you've read my posts, basically my ex vanished without a word, just over 2 months ago, when I needed him most (as i was handing in my notice at work and making a big decision to go away for 6 months, maybe longer). He told me he was totally behind me, whatever I decided, but then when it came to the crunch he just disappeared, with no explanation, nothing.

 

I have resisted all urges to contact him, and carried on with making my plans to go away... thinking if he wanted to get in touch he would and he doesn't deserve a reach out from me. But the thought of going away without hearing anything from him - no goodbye or well wishes - has really devastated me. I don;t know why he would do that, or how he could be so uncaring and heartless, when he knows how hard a decision it's been.

 

Anyway last week he deactivated his facebook profile. I don't know why, but it was kind of a relief, not to have to see his updates. But a part of me thought that it was maybe because he can't deal with seeing my updates about going away (i'm going in 2 weeks).

 

And today is his birthday. I swore to myself that i would not wish him a happy birthday as I really feel I don't want to be the one to initiate contact.

 

But today I saw he was back on facebook. It's his birthday so I presume he wanted to see if anyone had contacted him on there. But then weirdly he 'liked' a photo of me taken years ago...

 

Why did he do that? All I have wanted is to hear from this guy in some way shape or form... to know he hadn't simply erased me from his memory. But to 'like' a photo? * * * ? Is he trying to get my attention?

 

And now he has deativated his profile again.

 

What do I do? Part of me wants to message him and say 'that's a terrible photo. Happy birthday'. Just to see what he's playing at. I feel now that he has 'poked' me in this way, that now he knows i'll be thinking about him, and to not wish him a happy birthday looks bitter. But in a waya I am bitter - but he should do more than 'like' my photo! I want him to text me. But as its his birthday maybe I should swallow my pride and message him?

 

Or maybe I should ignore it and carry on hurting about the lack of contact. But I just really don't want to be the one to initiate it...

 

Oh help. What do you think?

[Flyingpiglet]

I don't think you should make contact. If that was his attempt at briding the gap then its a pretty lame effort IMO. He could have messaged you or anything but liking a photo... Not good enough after he had the audacity to just walk out of your world without a care!

 

He is trying to get your attention and if you message him now he will probably just think that he has been fogiven and his actions bear no consequences. You will only open your self for more heartache and pain by initiating contact with him now. You have enough on and he has proven that, despite his words, he is not the supportive person you want/need. Concentrate on yourself and doing what you need to do. If he wants to open up the lines of comunication between you then he will make a bigger effort than that!

[Snowy]

Why didn't you ask for an explanation of why he left you straight after he "vanished"?

[lavenderdove]

OK, there was life before FB.... i.e., pick up the phone and call him rather than playing FB games trying to guess what is going on. If neither of you is talking or truly interacting with each other, what is the point of this kind of FB contact?

 

And it's really rude for him to just disappear without a word... are you sure you even want contact with him? This is someone who has serious issues if he pulls a Houdini on you and leaves you hanging. If he was upset about you going away for 6 months, there are all kinds of ways to express that that don't involve him 'punishing' you by disappearing without a word.

[megs1000]

Why didn't you ask for an explanation of why he left you straight after he "vanished"?

 

He had disappeared several times during out 2 year releationships (yes i know i was stupid for taking him back) and i learnt from experience that if I were to text him asking him why i wouldn't get a response and it would make me feel so much worse begging and pleading for an explanation... he generally never has one. Other than going through a 'tough patch' or not being able to deal with something that was going on in his or my life (as now).... i was scared to ask, and be ignored, as I know how immensely painful that is. And didn't want to give him the satisfaction of begging and pleading for contact.

 

OK, there was life before FB.... i.e., pick up the phone and call him rather than playing FB games trying to guess what is going on. If neither of you is talking or truly interacting with each other, what is the point of this kind of FB contact?

 

And it's really rude for him to just disappear without a word... are you sure you even want contact with him? This is someone who has serious issues if he pulls a Houdini on you and leaves you hanging. If he was upset about you going away for 6 months, there are all kinds of ways to express that that don't involve him 'punishing' you by disappearing without a word.

 

Thank you -thats exactly how it feels, that he is punishing me for making this decision. I wrote email to him, not asking for reasons, but simply saying take care, as i find it difficult to walk away from someone who's been such a huge part of my life for the last 2 years without a word. But I didn't send it (not wanting to be the one to iniate contact).

 

He definitely has serious issues, and I don't want to continue a relationship with him - and I'm going away in any case, which will hopefully help my healing immensely. But I would like some adult communication before I go - from him, ideally not initiated by me. Being stuborn, I don't want to initiate contact, but then that's playing games too. Part of me thinks (showing his immaturiny) he is scared of making proper contact with me as he is ashamed of how he's acted, and this 'poke' is to see if I'm open to it. And therefore maybe me opening up communication may enable at least some conversation that could give me some closure on the situation. But maybe saying nothing is stronger. I really don't know.

 

I wish he'd just grow up and message/call me. Shouldn't have to tell him to do that but it might make things easier if I did. Or should I just hold out and only respond if he does actually contact me properly.

 

EDIT: maybe i should send what i proposed above and also say 'if you want to speak to me pick up the phone like a normal person' or something to that effect. I'm really sick of childish silence and ignoring. But maybe that would do me no good. I don't know.

[TessaB]

Hm this is a tough one. He certainly does not deserve your contact at all, and if the 'like' was a fishing attempt to see if you'd respond, then I agree it's a pretty lame one. In addition, being his birthday he may probably think 'oh, it's my bday, of course she'll contact me.' That cockiness should not be rewarded. Also, I assume he knows that time is dwindling down before you go away, so he may be thinking that you will have contact with him. Again, it'd be great to prove him wrong. Ha.

 

On the other hand, I do like that you seem very certain about yourself, and about not wanting to be with him, and it is so great that you are still going away. Because of that I think, hey, why not send or talk about your last thoughts. I don't know if I advise it, because I do think you are doing so great with the NC. But, if for some reason you think it will truly help to get things off your chest, and because you are leaving so soon, maybe it will be a breath of fresh air for you to have a chat, get everything out, then shut that door that is him, go away and start anew! It's for you, not him, so it basically doesn't matter what he says if you guys do talk. So, I guess if you want say to yourself that no matter how he responds/doesn't repsond or how childish he acts...that is no longer a concern to you, because the end result is the same, you've made your mind up and you are moving on to bigger and better things!

[megs1000]

hmm thanks Tessa - that's exactly what's going round in my head. He doesn't deserve any contact from me, he's probably expecting contact, and 'poked' me today to make sure i remember it's his birthday and contact him. I don't doubt he is expecting some contact from me today.

 

So by not doing I'm making a bigger statement.

 

But like you say, i'm a little over game playing. The outcome is that I am going away in 2 weeks and hopefully going to have the time of my life. For me to go away without any contact from him will add a shadow over my leaving and I may always feel this frustration, lack of closure and not fully get past it. And may always wonder what if I had swallowed my pride and contacted him - would I have shut the door fully and be able to move forward knowing that I'd done all I can? (and perhaps hear some reasons and evidence that he does care in some way).

 

The thing is there's still 2 weeks till I leave. What would be the best thing for me is if he actually does initiate contact properly and wish me well (or something). Then I can choose whether to respond or not. And that will be the closure I need. So maybe I should leave it and allow him to do that, if he really wants to. Contact initated by me may leave me wondering if he would have got in touch properly.

 

But maybe i should respond today in some way (given it's his birthday) withut saying much, but letting him know that if he chooses to grow up and message/call me that I'd be open to hearing it.

 

What would you do? And if I were to respond what would I say?

[toby17]

Megs, block him on FB. Stay NC. Do not contact him. Do not give him what he wants.

 

Two pieces of advice I've come accross recently:

(i) think of your ex as stupid

(ii) forget about what the Present You wants and feels; be your own best friend - let the Present You do what's best for the Future You.

[megs1000]

I know that's probably what I should do (block him) but I really think that won't help me now. I'm feeling slightly better having had some, ridicuous as it is, contact from him, as what was hurting me was his radio silence, apparently having written me off and cut me out completely with no explanation.

 

I think I won't contact him though. That's my message to him that it's not fine, it's not cool and it's not ok. Unfortunately though, as it's his birthday and he's poked me, it is now a 'message' by not contacting him, and not just merely that he's not on my mind. I will appear to be making a point by not wishing him a happy birthday. I guess that's what's not sitting right. And i guess he might take it that i don't want to hear from him.

 

But as said above, if he really wants to build bridges he has to do more than 'like' my photo, and he's perfectly capable of texting if he wants to. If he doesn't, well I guess I will just carry on no contact. Blocking him would be a bitter act on my part and would say I never want to hear from him again. I want him to apologise so I don't want to cut out that possibility.

 

Someone on my last post said 'if you're unsure of what to do it's best to do nothing'. So i hope that's what I'll do. Still got till the end of the day to mull it over though... ho hum.

[diamond78]

I just read of all your old threads and I say DO NOT contact him in any way. He has disappeared on you 4 times and this last time you discovered that he was inquiring escort services, getting in touch with Exes, and seeing someone else.

 

The fact that he disappeared without a word, but kept you as a Facebook friend so you could actively see that he was alive and well and living his without you is beyond morbid. And honestly, you leaving him as a facebook friend when you knew he was ignoring you is some serious insanity on your part.

 

My heart goes out to you because one of the worse things to do to a person is to just disappear on them with no rhyme or reason. This guy is not good for you and him being gone and staying that way is the best thing for you.

 

If he ever gets the cajones to explain to his behavior....Well, that's the only time I would even entertain anything he is doing just so that you could know the reason why.

 

Oh, and definitely do not tell him Happy Birthday today.

[megs1000]

Thank you Diamond, and thank you for reminding me. Somehow I seem to be able to block these things out, and I guess I post on here to get the kicks i need to stay NC. Knowing all the things I know about him I really shouldn't want any contact from this guy. He seriously does have major issues and i'm beginning to think something seriously wrong with his head.

 

But it's just that he gets to lay out this amazing relationship and future ahead of me, then disappear without a word... leave with (what he thinks is, and i feel it to be) the upper hand, and he gets no comeback. Noone deserves that, and the only thing that would ease the pain is to get an apology or an explanation from him. I guess that's some weak need I have for validation and to prove that the 2 years I spent with him meant something (as i had never felt so strongly as I felt about him). Therefore cutting off any forms of communication with him seemed just to me to be leading to more pain. I know I was slightly insane to not block him on Facebook immediately buy my weird logic was that my only way of getting anything back from it was to show him that i am happily getting on with my life and if he wants to do this repeated disappearing act I'm not going to come begging and pleading and that there are better people out there. And I have been doing just that. And I know he checked my profile reguarly. I'd blocked his updates, but the temptation was still there to look at his page and I would live in fear that I would see photos of him with someone else. Thank god I didn't. But that's why it's a relief he's deactivate his profile... Although I find it v weird when he has over 1000 friends on there and coul easily delete me, or whoever he has the problem with.

 

That's why now I think it was an attention seeing ploy - he has been puzzled as to why i havent asked for an explanation as to why he disappeared, and he thought that I would ask why he exited from facebook. And today he thought I would wish him a happy birthday and 'liked' my photo to put the idea in my head.

 

So theres no way, unless he gives me some kind of an explanation or apology, that I will contact him. Thank you. I have been doing so well so far with no contact, hard as it has been, and for me to iniate contact now would ruin that. I just have to keep strong. I guess if I go away without hearing from him I haven't lost anything, but I have retained my dignity, and if by any chance he does get in touch before I go with an explanation then at least I will have gained that, and it won't have been me that initiated contact (I highly doubt he will).

 

So thank you. Ok being strong. Definitely not wishing him a happy birthday. And if that makes him not want to contact me again, then that is the best thing for me.