leaving soon... with no closure

[megs1000]

I posted on here a while ago, about 2-3 weeks after my 'ex' disappeared into thin air... he didn't tell me he wanted to break up, no explanation, nothing. His calls became less frequent, a few text excuses about being busy and going through a tough patch at work etc, then one text asking me how my evening was looking (obviously i took that to mean he wanted to come over)... and he never replied to my response. That was it.

 

I didn't contact him again - i haven't texted, emailed, nothing. I just let him go. Firstly because over the 2 years of our relationship he did this several times (disappeared) - i would call, text, with no response, and then stop... but then after a few weeks would come back begging, pleading and apologising... and i would take him back (having been so distraught that he disappeared in the first place - I was so in love with him). But secondly because everyone on here (and elsewhere) urged no contact. And when i did that in the past, that's when he came back.

 

Anyway my reason for posting again is that it's now just over 2 months since he vanished, and I guess a small part of me has been hoping/expecting that he would contact me in some way. He's still my friend on Facebook. As i explained in my previous post, at the end of Jan (in 3 weeks) i am going overseas for 6 months - it;s a massive move for me, ive sold my flat, quit my job, and everyone's been so supportive and totally behind me on it. He said he was too. In one of our last conversations he told me he was proud of me, and i had his love and support with my decision to do it. About 2 weeks after he said that he vanished. It's crushed me.

 

He knows i'm going soon, because of Facebook (i have been posting happy excited posts on there, not shown him in any way that I am upset by his disappearance - although he must know). But i have this awful feeling inside that i might go away without getting any kind of goodbye from him - after a 2 year intense relationship. And have no idea why, or what's going on in his head. I have written an email (not sent it) just saying I won't begin to try and understand why he'd vanished, why he can't even wish me well, and to tell him to take care (basically). But I know it shouldn't be me reaching out to him. He doesn't deserve a nice goodbye from me. I mean it's not that hard to contact me to wish me well is it? But I'm scared that if I don't send it I will never feel any closure... and i may not enjoy my time away fully, always wondering why, and whether it would have helped if I sent it.

 

I know i should probably just leave without contacting him at all, but i can't help but wait and wonder if he will get in touch before I go. I wish i could just erase him from my mind.

 

And today he wrote as his status that he is saying goodbye to facebook for a while and may be back in 2013 - this was shorty after i posted about being excited to be going away in 3 weeks. I can't help but wonder if it's because he hates seeing my updates, and just can't face the fact that i'm leaving, and maybe that's why he disappeared - to avoid saying goodbye... or maybe it has nothing to do with me at all.

 

Thoughts would be much appreciated. Feeling so down about it all, when this should be one of the most exciting times of my life. it's almost like he's punishing me for deciding to go away. I don't know. I just don't understand how he can be so cruel and heartless, and it's so hard to be strong and rise above it.

 

Thanks for reading.

[Angel Irulan]

Don't second guess his emotion. He's not into you, I'm afraid, no matter what his protestations might be when he decides to do a romantic return. Susan Forward has a book out about Commitment Phobia, you might Google it and buy a copy. They talk about "rubber band" male behavior. Typically they get stressed over being too close, then they leave and then they return to worm their way back into your life. IT'S NOT YOU IT'S HIM. Really, that's all you have to know. Don't be in love with this fella. Just let him be a lesson in guys who aren't ready for real love and go out and find someone who is.

 

Angel

[megs1000]

Thanks for replying. I have read several books on commitment phobia (as a few people advised me to when i posted last) but it seems so harsh to not even so much as wish me well with my big step, when he knows what a big decision it was for me. I just don't get it - even if he's scared of being too close - i'm moving away! So it would be very easy for him to just be polite and send a good luck message or something. It seems like quite a strong statement to totally blank me on it, when he can see everyone else sending me sweet messages. Or maybe he just really doesn't give a cr@p. But it's how i get my mind to rest - I just want him to know what an * * * * * * * he's being, but instead i've just accepted it, and that's not resting easy inside me.

[butterflyburn]

Some really intriguing men as I have learnt do this. My ex did the same disappearing act. He even said nothing when I wrote to let him know I had miscarried our baby. Needless to say, once i had gotten over the shock of it all, I thought to myself, there are so many men in the world. Why should I cry any tears over this one who thought it great to disappear like this. You know what, let him go. If he is not into me. I am not into him either...

[toby17]

Don't contact him, just leave.

 

You won't get answers from him. He can't and won't give you closure.

 

One day, you'll have created enough understanding on your own to get closure. And some day after that you'll find that you don't care why he's done what he's done.

 

Getting an answer of sorts from him now isn't going to make you magically accept what's happened - you've had two years and numerous disappearances to accept it. Your time abroad might not be as great as if you didn't have this BU on your mind, but it'll be just what you need to gain some perspective.

 

Have fun!

[megs1000]

Thank you. I guess i just need a kick to not send the mail, and to reassure myself that that's the right thing.

 

@butterfly - wow that's hard... not getting a response to even that. But i imagine my ex would be the same. How can they be so unbelievably harsh?! I guess as we are nice people who would wish someone well, or show empathy in the worst of situations, we just can't get our heards around how someone could be so cruel.

 

I just wish i knew if he cared at all, or whether he's literally erased me from his memory. I know it doesn't matter. In a way now i feel slightly relieved about his facebook post - i haven't been able to bring myself to delete him, and now at least he's said his goodbye on there to all his friends, and in a weird way i will take that as his goodbye to me. Not the same by any means, but weirdly a small feeling of closure.

[butterflyburn]

Small feeling of closure, I hope that will be enough for you to move on because with a passive aggressive man any real closure is chasing a mirage. Get full closure from within yourself and be done with that chapter of your life.

[chitown9]

Megs....you are still lamenting about this commitment creep... What am I going to do with you? chi

[megs1000]

Megs....you are still lamenting about this commitment creep... What am I going to do with you? chi

 

Haha Chi I knew you'd say that. I'm sorry, especially after all your wonderful advice. I just needed to vent and a kick to set me back straight.

 

I know what a creep he is and that he doesn't deserve an ounce of my time or energy... but it still grates me that he just never replied to my text, and I have said nothing. He left with the upper hand and I have just accepted it. I wonder if his exit from Facebook was an attention-seeking ploy to get me to contact him (as he is probably surprised I have literally said NOTHING) and carried on with my plans to move away.

 

But it just seems to ridiculous, and really really sad. Why can't he be a normal person and just be happy and excited for me, want so see my pics, want to keep in touch in the future. That's what we'd chatted about... but to cut me out completely in every way possible without any word or explanation in such an extreme way - I don't understand why, and i guess I never will. Just one piece of contact from him would make me feel so much better, and then I could ignore it - which is why i have this urge to contact him so he might respond, but then i guess contact purely because I initiated it would not help me at all.

 

I just have to tell remind myself of they way he treated me and tell myself it's better this way. That he is proving what an immature coward he is by backing away from me for no reason. And all the sordid things I found out from his email account (i seem to be able to block that out somehow!).

 

It just hurts to be treated like someone he needs to get as far away from as possible, even though I'm moving to the other side of the world. I don't understand, but I guess it is just a non-sensical thing that just doesn't make sense.

[bringon2012]

I'm going through the same thing right now.Although my relationship with this particular ex was only 3 months long it was probably the one relationship in life I had the highest hopes for...everything was going smooth,we shared all the same interests/passions etc. Then just poof she needs a few days apart....waited 4 days tried calling no answer,tried again for a few days no answer...still haven't heard a peep from her since Dec 6th.Have no idea what I did why she's doing this etc....really having a hard time dealing with it.She even blocked me on FB (probably better that way anyway so I don't check up on her)I definitely never did anything bad to her,always was friendly to her treated her with respect,was always honest etc.

 

We had all those sweet talks about having a future ,how much she enjoyed being with me ,how we were great together etc.Talked about communication was the key the importance of talking about things that bother us. Now all of a sudden she doesn't even have enough respect to tell me we're through nothing,I gave her nothing but love for 3months and she doesn't even have the face to tell me it's over.

 

I just keep telling myself better this happen now than years down the road but I know how you feel it's really really hard moving on when you don't know how or why it happenned.And you feel like you didn't mean nothing to this person.You're obviously a good person ,someday down the road he will realise it's his loss.

[megs1000]

oh hun I feel for you. It sucks - massively. Mine had done it to me a few times before (but weirdly came running back after a few weeks) so I was stuipid to ever take him back and put myself through it multiple times, but as he aknowledged what he did, and knew how incredibly hurtful and destructive it was, I always thought he wouldn't dream of doing it again... but he did, and that's so hard to get my head around.

 

But in a way it just reinforces the fact that he's not worth my time or energy. I keep repeating that to myself, but with no communication whatsoever it's the hardest thing in the world to just internally close the door and move forward. It's not fair. It's cruel, destructive, maddening and heartbreaking.

 

But what I can say to you, from my experience (and I hope to follow it myself), is to do just that - mentally close the door on it yourself. Know that anyone who can do that has some serious issues, is lacking empathy and normal emotions, and the problem lies with them, not you. Rise above it and do just what they're doing to you - walk away from them and live your life. Someone once said the best revenge with this type of person is to live a happy and great life and show them (whether they see or not) that you don't need someone who treats you like that. Noone does.

 

It's excrutiatingly painful, and it's cr@p of them to put you through that, but just see the pain as something you have to ensure for a while until it eases (which it will with time)... it's a chapter of your life that for whatever reason didn't work out, so close the door on it and move on and look forward to the next chapter.

 

As you say at some point they will realise their loss.

 

I;m taking comfort in the fact that he has deactivated his fb profile - a sign that he feels something and can;t deal with seeing me going away. (maybe has nothing to do with that at all, but that gives me comfort so I'm sticking to it)... maybe your ex blocked you because it hurts too much to see your updates and for some strange reason her way of ending it with the least pain was to disappear (not good for you, but maybe she thought that was best). So say a mental goobye, and find someone who would never do that to anyone. As it really is not normal, or fair, behaviour.