14 months later...

[blueberrypie]

Yes, I am still counting. But I am doing much better. I still have ups and downs. Some days, I am sure that if he comes back asking to get back together, I think that I would say no. But then, some days, I so desperately want to be back together with him.

 

He and I were engaged for about 3 months after 3 1/4 years of dating. The last 3 months while we were engaged was the worst period of our dating life. Simply put, he was nowhere near being ready to getting married, and I couldn't wait any longer. I inadvertently gave ultimatum, and he gave in. But right from the moment we got engaged, I think he felt trapped. We loved each other. Even when we broke up, I didn't doubt that. I couldn't understand how two nice people love each other and want to make it work, can't make it work. I still can't.

 

I still love him very deeply. I don't know if I can love anyone else as much as I loved him. It still hurts. But I am not miserable any more. Actually, I am quite grateful that I had met him, and I experienced everything I did with him. If I knew in the beginning how much I would get hurt later, I wouldn't have gotten into the relationship with him. But knowing everything I know now, if I were to go back to the time we first met, and were to choose whether I would date him again or not, I would definitely choose to date him again. Even if it means that I would go through that horrible heartbreak again. Don't get me wrong. I do not ever want to go through it again. I think it is quite possible, I may not open my heart as much as I did because I am afraid of the heartbreak. But, I am grateful that I was capable of letting go of myself and fall in love with someone like that. Not many people have that.

 

As for wanting to get back together with him, as I mentioned earlier, I am still not sure. On the one hand, there is nothing else I want more than getting back together with him. But, I saw his weakness. I knew that weakness before our breakup. But, I loved him nevertheless. I thought that it was endearing actually. But, that weakness eventually drove us apart. So, I am not sure if I could live with it any more. So, I am accepting that this might be it. I might never have him back. And also, I might never love anyone else as much as I loved him. I might end up living alone. But, I will try my best making myself a happy person--with or without a partner.

[ewr]

Have you been dating? If you don't feel ready then thats alright....but 14 months is getting near the end of the healing road for most people. It's good you are not miserable anymore, and it seems like you have made a lot of progress...you just need to take that last step that helps you get over the "he's the one" feeling.

[jonesyjakk]

It takes some people alot longer than others, it's not a bad thing, sounds like you are taking all the time you need. And I applaud that. I remember when me and my ex finsished, and I spoke to a friend, who said 3 months you will be top notch, that's all it took for me to get over my marriage. He met someone else at the 3 month mark and he was happy and got married to her and they are hapily still together. That was my friend. Taken me alot longer.

 

Been 12 months for me, and it still hurts, but I feel alot like you do. I think you are very much on the right road, and it it is a testiment to how much you have loved, and given to another. Don't feel societies pressures, to date, at 32, you are still young, and there is so much to do in the world. When you least expect it, you will find happiness, if you haven't already. I very much enjoyed reading your post, it was a reflection of some of my thoughts and feelings. I think given a little more time, you will be quite fine.

[Eocsor]

There really is no set time table for healing. From all I've read one to two years is about average but some take less time and some take more.

 

And unfortunately some never do. That is a sad fact of life. I think everyone knows at least one broken person who has pined after a lost love for the rest of their lives.

 

But thats on them. I think that they build up the ex so much in their minds after the breakup that no one can ever compare to that person. And it's not a real person. It's a fantasy version of the person they dated with all of the positives and more and none of the negatives.

 

It's something to be aware of after a breakup. You shouldn't over romanticize the ex. It's not healthy.

[blueberrypie]

Have you been dating? If you don't feel ready then thats alright....but 14 months is getting near the end of the healing road for most people. It's good you are not miserable anymore, and it seems like you have made a lot of progress...you just need to take that last step that helps you get over the "he's the one" feeling.

 

 

I actually have been dating, and that might be part of the issue. I thought that I would never meet anyone else, ever. And then, last February (which is about 4 months after I got my heart broken in million pieces) I had my first adult crush on someone, and my crush asked me out. But, after two dates, he revealed that he was going through a divorce, and he couldn't offer to be anything more than friends at the moment. And a few months later, he moved to another state for school. I had a little heartbreak at that time. But, thanks to that event, I realized that my ex was not the only person I could love. So, I started to date. I even met someone I thought that I could love. And then, he had to move to different states. Since then, I went on online dating, met few people, and also met some people at co-ed sports club. None of it worked out for different reasons.

Now I am at the point that I need to enjoy being by myself. To be honest, I am getting slightly sick of guys... Not as friends, but as dates.

[blueberrypie]

I think that they build up the ex so much in their minds after the breakup that no one can ever compare to that person. And it's not a real person. It's a fantasy version of the person they dated with all of the positives and more and none of the negatives.

 

I understand this, and I probably fell into this. But I also remembers the negatives of my ex, which I was willing to overlook because I loved him and I believed that he wanted to work on our relationship, but with him breaking my heart like that, I don't think I can overlook those negatives any more.. Still feeling sad about it, though, since I don't know if I can trust anyone like that again, not because he was "the perfect one", but because it would be very hard for me to trust anyone that much again after my experience...

[Eocsor]

I understand this, and I probably fell into this. But I also remembers the negatives of my ex, which I was willing to overlook because I loved him and I believed that he wanted to work on our relationship, but with him breaking my heart like that, I don't think I can overlook those negatives any more.. Still feeling sad about it, though, since I don't know if I can trust anyone like that again, not because he was "the perfect one", but because it would be very hard for me to trust anyone that much again after my experience...

 

Life goes on and time will eventually erase old wounds IF you let it. Maybe next time you may be a little more cautious, a little less trusting, but that doesn't mean that you eventually won't trust another person again. Just let them earn it this time.