LDRohnos Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 I don't think there's anything wrong with sexual attraction. Nothing wrong with being attracted to attractive people. I think the underlying assumption from the OP is that it's the only factor as to why guys are friends with women, as if were the sole reason why they interact at all-- "At best the guy might give it a shot, then maintain a "friendship" just in case the door of opportunity opens itself again." I personally don't buy it. If you woke up tomorrow a complete asexual, are you suddenly going to lose all interest in having women as friends? Because really that's sort of what the OP is implying. I actually created the post to hear peoples opinions on the matter moreso than for me to "make a point". I certainly do agree that a man and a woman can have a friendship without it ever becoming sexual. We're not apes. On the flip side you cannot discount that the two things that the human race need to exist are sex and food. Men and women have a natural instinct for these things. You can look past it, sure...but more times than not the baser instincts are dominant. If we all woke up tomorrow asexual I think the exact opposite from what you're implying. The ability for a man and a women to have a real friendship without any other innuendo would obviously be more viable. Anyway, I created the post for discussion purposes only. Civility! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 Anyway so far..what I've seen from this thread is actually pretty much what I expected. All (or pretty much all) of the women that have posted have all said yes. Quite vigorously might I add! Men seem to have a bit of a different view on it, for the most part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Anyway so far..what I've seen from this thread is actually pretty much what I expected. All (or pretty much all) of the women that have posted have all said yes. Quite vigorously might I add! Men seem to have a bit of a different view on it, for the most part. I'm not sure what the different view is, to be honest. For example, if you had an attractive female friend that you would hook up with given the chance, are you saying that makes friendship impossible? Or are you definining friendship as excluding all forms of sexual attraction? Ultimately I think this is coming down to semantics and how you define friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 The male friends I have I met through school or work mostly -meaning, in environments where we talked together because of our common experience/interests out of which a friendship naturally grew. As far as my two closest friends I've been friends with one for about 17 years and the other for about 13 years. I am also friendly with their wives and they with my husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted December 13, 2011 Author Share Posted December 13, 2011 I'm not sure what the different view is, to be honest. For example, if you had an attractive female friend that you would hook up with given the chance, are you saying that makes friendship impossible? Or are you definining friendship as excluding all forms of sexual attraction? Ultimately I think this is coming down to semantics and how you define friendship. Of course, how you define a friend is a large part of it. Some people consider once a person gets put on their facebook contact list they're now a friend. Other people define friends with a little more depth. People they regularly hang out with or have a longer/more meaningful relationship with, which they may consider they only have 2-3 real "friends". I'm talking about real friendships, not aquaintances. My view on it is, more often than not a single man (or woman (most likely the man)) will enter into a "friendship" with a single woman with the intent on much more than a friendship. It's usually the other person who limits the relationship. I don't have too many single friends that go out looking for female buddies to pal around with, for example. They end up with female friends because the other option that they preferred didn't pan out. They were put into the friend zone, not because they wanted to be but because that was the only option. Women seem to go into relationships with men more often with the intention of it just being a friendship. I think vice-versa that's much more rare! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I don't think it matters if there once was an attraction or if there still is some attraction as long as the friendship part overwhelms the attraction part and it doesn't get in the way a la When Harry Met Sally. I have had platonic friendships with men I dated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I don't have too many single friends that go out looking for female buddies to pal around with, for example. That goes back to my earlier point though. Isn't the passive assumption here that no sexual attraction = no reason to befriend women? I have close friends who are very attractive and whom I'd probably hook up with if given the chance. But they're also people who I'd be friends with even if I didn't find them hot. Being nice, loyal, having similar interests, etc, are still qualities they have even though they happen to be physically attractive too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 If your only friends with a woman because you MIgHT have a chance I suggest you be honest with the girl. Because I'll bet more often then not if she knows the only reason your her friend is to try cope some, she Wong be your friend anymore because it's not friendship - its just using the guise of friendship to get laid easier/quicker. Some men can control themselves and find a friend attractive but now want to bang her - I have never bought into he motion men just have no say over what they do simply because they find someone attractive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reboundstudent Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 Men and women can be friends so long as there isn't some kind of attraction between them. I have tons of male guy friends, and not a single one of them has ever expressed interest in me romantically or sexually. Guess friendship is the one place where being ugly actually helps a girl! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted December 13, 2011 Share Posted December 13, 2011 I think that you are talking about a difference between male and female psychology and the way that each sexes brains' work. Men and women can be platonic friends. However, there are many friendships where some person would make a move on the other if they knew their advances would be welcomed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Thinking back now to uni days. I remember I was in a class where there was one physically attractive female. If you like them to be thin thin. It was quite amusing to see the 'confident guys' 'befriending' her. When it came to taking a break and going into town, I couldn't help but laugh as I saw a trail of boys following this one female and you could tell which ones were in and which ones were not. There was basically a pecking order. The ones who were standing next to her were the possibles, the ones behind were the unlikely. She eventually dumped her high school sweet heart for one of the guys standing next to her and over the months the rest dropped off and went for the average looking females in the class or kept to themselves. So.... I can see how the topic thread can be a very vaild question. Some men, maybe all men who are confident will attempt to 'befriend' a female only if they find them attractive and want to get laid. There are certainly many fish in the sea. The men pull out their fishing rod around a fish hoping they have the right bait. While some if not most females just walk around with a basket waiting for the fish to jump in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WockaWocka Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 here are certainly many fish in the sea. The men pull out their fishing rod around a fish hoping they have the right bait. While some if not most females just walk around with a basket waiting for the fish to jump in. Wow - it sounds like you've either mostly met passive women or else you've only been exposed to one dimension of their personalities. Most women I know take a lot of initiative when they meet someone they like. But back to the original topic of being friends, I definitely think it can work, but there are a lot of aspects that can cause difficulty (one person has ulterior motives, someone's partner is jealous, etc). One disadvantage of opposite-sex friends that I noticed tonight is that when I'm out with a guy friend it's much more difficult to approach someone you might be interested in, or vice versa. Everyone just assumes you're a couple. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Just because you're sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean that it can't be a friendship. I have some male friends that I wouldn't be opposed to dating if the circumstances were right, but that doesn't mean that they're not my friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zccr3279 Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 I think it's possible because I have a few of those. I didn't like them (in a dating sense) at first, but the dating feelings eventually grew on me after time (several years) for several of them (about 50%). However, I don't see anything ever developing with any of my opposite sex friends...but I could be wrong. But, I will say that I personally think it's very difficult to maintain that type of friendship. Usually one person's mind begins to wonder into the "what if" zone, that is unless both friends are completely content in other relationships. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FathomFear Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Just because you're sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean that it can't be a friendship. I have some male friends that I wouldn't be opposed to dating if the circumstances were right, but that doesn't mean that they're not my friends. Yes, this is my opinion as well and why I really don't follow the OP's reasoning. Someone can have all the qualities of a great friend but also be hot at the same time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In the Dark Posted December 14, 2011 Share Posted December 14, 2011 Wow - it sounds like you've either mostly met passive women or else you've only been exposed to one dimension of their personalities. Most women I know take a lot of initiative when they meet someone they like. I tell ya, lately with it feels like where I live is a completely different dimension lately. I believed most women do take the initiative when they meet someone they like but from the conversations I have been having with acquaintances, that just isn't the case. Don't know if it's the towns current trend or something. I certainly would like to see what you experienced happening here. But yeah, that's another topic all together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Celadon Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 I mean, I know straight guys IRL and hot gay guys IRL whom I find very attractive, but it doesn't get in the way of my ability to be friends with them. Honestly, I find it nothing more than a sort of "added bonus" that they're hot. That goes back to my earlier point though. Isn't the passive assumption here that no sexual attraction = no reason to befriend women? I have close friends who are very attractive and whom I'd probably hook up with if given the chance. But they're also people who I'd be friends with even if I didn't find them hot. Being nice, loyal, having similar interests, etc, are still qualities they have even though they happen to be physically attractive too. I'm not the OP, but I would ask -- if your platonic friend were NOT attractive, would you have gotten to know them in the first place? You say that hotness is an added bonus, but for some, it's a pretty critical reason for putting effort into the friendship initially. I don't know what the OP intended (sounds like he just wanted to open up the discussion) but it's legitimate to ask whether people can REALLY say they're strictly platonic when they readily admit they'd hook up with their friend given the chance. To me, that says "part of the reason I like this person is because s/he's hot, even if I've never hooked up with them." And when your friend is hot, it's not entirely the same as when your friend is ugly. As soon as one or both parties has romantic feelings (different than finding them attractive!!) then it's no longer a true friendship and things get awkward. That's a good point, though. Romantic feelings can be different from attraction for some people. I do have a good guy friend and am friends with his wife as well. And there was never any attraction, even at the beginning, which is the same time he met his wife. And there was another guy I felt was "like a brother" but he was eventually interested in me, and then that pretty much ended our friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 My point of the the post was mostly for discussion purposes of course. I've been keeping an eye on posts since and I've seen more than a dozen with the topic "I really like my best friend, how do I...." or something very similar to it. My personally argument is that men will enter into friendships with women because the option they really wanted "a relationship" was not available and vice versa. They put themselves in orbit around the other person in case they change their mind or their "status" changes so they can swoop in and hope they get plucked out of friend-orbit. The friendship may be very genuine, although it was not their intention in the first place. I think everyone would be very surprised how many male/female friendships start due to sexual attraction or attraction in general that was forced to take another direction either due to the other person's disinterest or due to uncontrolled circumstances, such as one or both were in a relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Or 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends and not want to bang each other. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Or 2 people of the opposite sex can be friends and not want to bang each other. Just takes one not to want to bang actually! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Just takes one not to want to bang actually! Well no, it takes two. If one secretly is waiting for an opening to band the friend that's not really a friendship - that's a waiting game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Well no, it takes two. If one secretly is waiting for an opening to band the friend that's not really a friendship - that's a waiting game. Why can't it be both? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted January 4, 2012 Share Posted January 4, 2012 Why can't it be both? Because a friendship (a true friendship) is something that is entered into without any constraints or expectations and without trying to secretly get something. I would drop ANY friend who entered into a friendship with me with a secret agenda (such as they really want to bang me but can't for whatever reason at that time or was using our friendship for some purpose). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 Because a friendship (a true friendship) is something that is entered into without any constraints or expectations and without trying to secretly get something. I would drop ANY friend who entered into a friendship with me with a secret agenda (such as they really want to bang me but can't for whatever reason at that time or was using our friendship for some purpose). Thus the topic of my post! "Friends of the opposite sex. Really? Friends?" I think the number of people that play this game is far more common than is visable. People just don't talk about it until the time is right. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LDRohnos Posted January 4, 2012 Author Share Posted January 4, 2012 By the way OG. I'm by no means saying 100% of male/female friendships are this way. Far from it. On the flip side, it's probably more more prevalent than you might think! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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