Was I being inappropriate, or was he overreacting?

[Miss Firecracker]

Going by everything you said in this post, I think you WOULD leave him if you got your independence. I think he has enough sense to realize it's a matter of time before you outgrow the need for him.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Controlling/manipulative people often put their best face forward to the outside world and charm everyone. It is behind closed doors to the ones closest to them who get to see their other face.

[bulletproof]

Let's not over-react to the 'forbidding' and take it out of context. Obviously what he means is that if you want to be with him he won't tolerate you talking to a guy who hit on you when drunk and that you were rude enough not to introduce. He may not have phrased it well when in a bad temper and being upset but it's not as if he were threatenming violence or anything remotely close.

 

I don't feel I (or anyone else who's reacting to it) am taking the forbidding out of context. If anything, the failure to introduce him is the thing that's getting an overreaction. The fact is that many people, myself included, have forgotten to introduce someone, whether it be a friend, family member, s.o., or anyone else. It was slightly rude and an oversight, but certainly not something that warrants that angry of a reaction from him. And I agree with the poster who pointed out that he could easily have introduced himself instead of pouting and seething over it until later.

 

She talked to a guy she knew about a job, and it happened to be in a bar, and that guy happened to have had too much to drink. He wasn't a stranger, and there's no way for any of us here to know if he was actually flirting or not. She can't control the actions of others and he shouldn't expect that. I also think that the reaction to the forbidding is based on a prior thread as well, and that's fair.

[DN]

I don't quite understand how someone could forget to introduce a partner who is standing right there unless the person you are talking you has occupied your mind so much that your partner has essentially disappeared. That is not only rude but demonstrates the lack of importance your partner in comparison has in your mind at that particular moment, which may indicate an overall lack of importance.

 

You don't ignore your partner as an 'oversight' and then claim it was 'slightly rude'. You might not be able to control the actions of others but you can control yours.

 

Even if there is no romantic or sexual overtones in talking to the guy, you don't leave a partner (or anyone else) feeling like a third wheel in situations like that - this is Courtesy 101. I find it interesting that people are minimising it.

[DN]

Going by everything you said in this post, I think you WOULD leave him if you got your independence. I think he has enough sense to realize it's a matter of time before you outgrow the need for him.

This is why I said it would be unfair to stay with him until financial independence is achieved and then leave.

 

It is also possible that his 'controlling' and jealousy is based on insecurity for that very reason.

[pl3asehelp]

I don't quite understand how someone could forget to introduce a partner who is standing right there unless the person you are talking you has occupied your mind so much that your partner has essentially disappeared. That is not only rude but demonstrates the lack of importance your partner in comparison has in your mind at that particular moment, which may indicate an overall lack of importance.

 

You don't ignore your partner as an 'oversight' and then claim it was 'slightly rude'. You might not be able to control the actions of others but you can control yours.

 

Even if there is no romantic or sexual overtones in talking to the guy, you don't leave a partner (or anyone else) feeling like a third wheel in situations like that - this is Courtesy 101. I find it interesting that people are minimising it.

 

DN has been consistently 100% right in all comments on this thread.

 

You let a guy hit on you by touching you, without stopping him, or introducing your boyfriend. You didn't 'forget' your bf was there - you didn't introduce him for a reason and I think that reason is that you like attention from men more than you care about your bf's feelings. This is completely inapproporiate relationship behavior. The right thing and the only thing you should have done in this situation was to tell this guy to stop touching you the second he did that and introduce your boyfriend. It's not up to your bf to intervene in this situation - now THAT would be insecure controlling behavior. YOU should have done this because you love your bf - the fact that you didn't says something.

 

You should never be financially dependant on someone unless you're married or in a marriage like relationship.

 

If you want to act single, you should just break up with him and be single. BUT, if you did that only once you got a job to support yourself, yes, that's totally unconscionable and my god, that would just be completely awful.

 

And to anyone who has a problem with the bf forbidding anything - well in this situation she completely crossed a line and he stopped it. He's not controlling - he's laying down his law about his values and boundaries and not being a pushover. He won't tolerate you encouraging men as they hit on you while you ignore your bf - I don't blame him, I wouldn't either. There's no man on earth who would like this kind of behavior from a partner unless they had very low self-esteem and were essentially just an insecure doormat or if they are just playing at the relationship and don't care about you as well.

 

If I were your bf unless you really understood what you did wrong here and are able to explain that to him, I'd break up with you.

[bulletproof]

Even if there is no romantic or sexual overtones in talking to the guy, you don't leave a partner (or anyone else) feeling like a third wheel in situations like that - this is Courtesy 101. I find it interesting that people are minimising it.

 

I think there are a ton of reasons one might overlook it. I know there have been moments in my life when I became very flustered at seeing someone I did not expect to see, in a place that's out of context, and momentarily forgot my manners in various ways.

 

But even if she did forget, and it's bad manners, it still does not give him the right to tell her she cannot call a job contact. And if he thought it was bad manners, he should have introduced himself and spoken to her about it later like a grownup.

[pl3asehelp]

I think there are a ton of reasons one might overlook it. I know there have been moments in my life when I became very flustered at seeing someone I did not expect to see, in a place that's out of context, and momentarily forgot my manners in various ways.

 

I just don't buy that a person could forget their SO is standing right next to them while a drunk guy chats you up and rubs your shoulders. Regardless of the subjective view of whether it was bad manners or not, when someone hits on you while you're in a relationship and your SO is standing right there you can either a) introduce your SO in an attempt to make it clear you are taken and the advances are not welcome, or b) ignore your SO and enjoy the attention. The choice you make here tells your SO what you think of them and of your relationship. The OP has every right in the world to expect his gf not to contact a guy that was hitting on her, particularly given that she did not stop his advances in any way or indicate that they were unwelcome. He has a right to set his own boundaries and expect partners to stick to them if they want to be with him. Of course the OP also has a right to go ahead and contact this dude anyway, but if that's what she wants to do, they might as well just break up.

[Miss Firecracker]

I have known controlling men, and in that sort of circumstance a controlling man would have jerked the drunken groper up by the collar, pinned him against a wall and had a little man to man talk.

[DN]

I very much doubt that a job contact was the sort of contact the drunk had in mind.

[winniethepooh]

I found this thread, and the other one the OP posted, very interesting.

 

With respect to the drunk man in the pub incident, here's my perspective.

 

Drunk people are often unpredictable. The OP's boyfriend didn't know the drunk guy, and the OP hadn't made an effort to clarify the connection with the drunk guy, so I can understand the principle of the boyfriend's reaction, although perhaps he could have been more respectful about it.

 

As to the job offer, well, often drunk blokes hit on females in bars for reasons other than to altruistically just offer them a job, and use whatever ploy they can to get a foot in the bedroom door. More so if they are unaware or don't care that the female target has a boyfriend. I suspect the OP's boyfriend is much more aware of that than the OP is.

 

 

Thinking back, I think I miss being able to talk to anyone for any reason. It's not that I'm actually interested in them for romantic reasons or otherwise, it's just... fun. I've had to change a lot to date my current SO.

People can and do change. Relationships often result in people changing. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Have you changed in ways that are better for you? In ways that you want to change?

 

He's been a very good influence for the most part. I don't want to do the wrong thing with him. It's just that sometimes it feels like we're always stuck together like Siamese twins, and I never much of a chance to miss him or be apart from him.

Then talk to him about that.

 

I am pretty sure that if we didn't live together, that he would get over me relatively quickly,

Don't make assumptions like that. Not that it should stop you from leaving him if that's the way it has to be. But often people don't even know themselves how badly a break-up will affect them until it happens.

 

It's a simple problem of feeling like I'm on a leash sometimes.

Talk to him about that. His reaction will give you a better idea of whether or not he wants you to feel like that.

 

 

That's how I feel sometimes... like a child. It's not very sexy if you ask me.

No, it's not. Does he want you to feel like a child? I'm not convinced it's all on his behavior that you feel like that. I think it's partly to do with the situation of you being dependent on him. Talk to him about changing that.

 

But, and I even have a hard time admitting this... sometimes I feel like even though we have lots of fun together, I can't talk to him about anything academic because it bores him.

Some people enjoy academic discussions, some people don't.

 

That's one of my biggest joys.

Does he know this? Does he try to talk to you about academic stuff?

 

The other day he said he didn't know something VERY basic about the government and it horrified me a little.

Now you sound patronizing. There are many people who don't know basic things about the government. Go and live in Washington DC if you want a boyfriend to talk politics with, and expect him not to pay attention to you because he's too busy being a politician.

 

And even though he's very wealthy he doesn't donate to any charities. That bothers me too. He kind of insulates himself in his own little world.

Uh oh, I sense a Sugar-Daddy dynamic here.

 

But why does he have to donate to charity? And how do you know he doesn't? Sometimes people donate money without making a big fuss about it. It's interesting, I just read something this week about younger people being much more charitable and getting involved in causes that benefit the underprivileged, and yet more selfish and self-centered when it comes to closer relationships. A generalization I know, but your comment reminded me of it.

 

Warren Buffet and Bill Gates, two of the richest people in the world, both make substantial contributions to various causes (I think malaria eradication being the most significant) but as a proportion of their overall wealth, those contributions are not so large. However, I believe they have both pledged the bulk of their wealth to charitable causes once they die. I think because they are much better at making money than most other people, so why not devote their lives to making a lot of money and then giving it away, rather than dilute the final benefit by giving most of it away now.

 

I want so badly not to be dependent on him, because then I would be much less defensive of my little bit of independence. But I think HE thinks that I would leave him. He's so darned insecure it drives me crazy.

Why would he think you might leave him? It's starting to sound to me like you are thinking of doing that as a solution to your desire for independence. That's a much more drastic action than trying to find more independence within the relationship. Unless he really is a control-freak. But I haven't read anything in your posts to indicate he is. Maybe a bit insecure at best, but I get the feeling you're giving him reason to feel insecure.

 

 

My talking about grad school makes him uneasy, because I would likely have to move away.

Maybe he's uneasy for good reason, if you're going to let drunk guys in bars hit on you and believe them when they offer you a job.

 

It's hard but I'm working on it and we had a conversation about it today.

Good. How did that go?

 

 

I haven't had many relationships, and yeah the ones I have had have been bad. I used to seek out destructive people.

Why? Is this something to do with your nature? Are you relatively passive when it comes to men trying to hit on you?

 

This BF isn't mean, but he can be manipulative. And sometimes maybe I allow him to be. What would you suggest though?

That's not a good sign. People can often appear to be manipulative, or actually be manipulative, not so much because they are deliberately malicious, but because their emotions and insecurities get the better of them. How or why is he manipulative? Can or do you talk to him about that?

 

In another post you said he was encouraging you to find a career path? I think that shows a genuine interest on his part to encourage more independence for you and decrease your financial dependence on him. It doesn't seem very manipulative on his part.

 

 

I did apologize, in large part because of this thread. I didn't realize that I was being rude but I see now that what I did was disrespectful. He apologized too and agreed to give me more space.

That sounds like an effort on his part to try and find harmony and balance in the relationship. And on your part too.

 

By sheer luck I have started making artwork for a company and getting paid, but it's not enough to live on. My BF thinks I could make it big as a singer, and a few other people believe in that too. I'm working with a producer that is working on one of my tracks for free because he likes my work. But that's a slow process, and not something to depend on.

So your BF is encouraging you to try and live your dreams and ambitions? Do you want to be a singer if you can? If you do become a successful singer, will you dump your BF then?

 

Edit: yeah I could see why we sound incompatible judging from what I've written.

People can always seem incompatible to a greater or lesser extent. A relationship is about acknowledging those incompatibilities and finding ways to balance each other and accept or change the incompatibilities. Or accepting that they are too big to have a successful relationship.

 

But there's a reason why we don't generally fight that much (this was an exception). We have some personality traits that sort of balance each other. He is also very good about always thinking about my needs and I'm good at understanding him most of the time.

Well, that sounds like a good balance to have.

 

And he's a fairly attractive man, had a few women interested in him but kept pursuing me until I gave him a chance.

So he thought you were worth pursuing. Were you?

 

It can't be a perfect relationship until I get a job though.

No relationship is perfect. But we can do things to make it better or worse.

 

But I'd say that oddly enough, this relationship is far less dysfunctional than pretty much any of the ones I can think of when it comes to anyone I know, friends or family. Which is a little sad too because I can think of a lot of dysfunction.

Odd to rate a relationship as being successful just because it isn't as dysfunctional as other relationships.

 

 

Edit: I just invited him home for Thanksgiving. Everyone loved him, he spoke German with my mom, and then sat on the couch for a couple of hours talking to my tiny 90 year old grandmother about their mutual passion for house layouts. It was adorable.

Did you find it adorable?

 

I think the two biggest issues in your relationship that come through to me are:

 

the question of whether or not he is a control-freak, which is something you can determine more readily by attempting to discuss that with him (a control-freak will become argumentative and put you down, but if he's not then he is likely to be more willing to listen and adapt so your desire for independence is satisfied)

 

and your intellectual connection with him, which is important if there is a significant imbalance that you are not willing to accept, but I don't think that just being unfamiliar with political institutions is a good reason to end a relationship (unless you are or want to be with a politician).