Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I suggest you make financial independence a top priority and not just because of your relationship and accept that you might have to put your dream career on hold for a bit to get a job that will allow you to pay your own living expenses. I also think it's important for you to have friends that you socialize with independently of your boyfriend and if he is not happy with that reevaluate whether this relationship is healthy for you. Well said. OP, you should start taking the steps now to do this. Once you can stand on your own two feet financially and cultivating other friendships, you may start to realize that this man is holding you back from living your life to its fullest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 It takes two to tango in this sort of relationship so don't let people mislead you into thinking he is all to blame. You had your own part to play. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilliesFan001 Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I think he's overreacting. Unless I'm misunderstanding, I don't see how you did anything wrong - you ran into an acquaintance, started chatting about what you'd been up to and got onto the subject of work, and he offered to get you an interview - what's the big deal? If you were being flirty then I'd say differently but it sounds like your boyfriend got upset over nothing. If anything, I'd say it was just a little rude of you to not introduce your boyfriend - he may have felt awkward just standing there. But I don't see anything remotely sinister about your conversation. Also I agree with others - being financially independent from him is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 Some drunk guy/girl comes up to your SO in a bar and they start chatting and touching without introducing you and you are standing right there - and that's OK except for being a little bit rude? I know I am of an older generation but that is surely still more than a 'little bit rude'. It's insulting to say the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snny Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 100% agree with DN. OP no offense, but you initiated a deeper contact with a drunk guy by sharing your drink with him (who does that?) and allowing him to touch you in a suggestive manner. Totally uncalled for whether he was drunk or not. No, your boyfriend didn't overreact in this scenerio. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 100% agree with DN. OP no offense, but you initiated a deeper contact with a drunk guy by sharing your drink with him (who does that?) and allowing him to touch you in a suggestive manner. Totally uncalled for whether he was drunk or not. No, your boyfriend didn't overreact in this scenerio. She shared the drink with her boyfriend, not the other guy. I agree that in this one incident she did not handle things well. She should have introduced her boyfriend and her body language should have been hands off. However, aside from this one incident, there is just a general attitude about this guy that is controlling, based on what she writes in this thread and in the other thread. This is a very "father/daughter", "teacher/student" unequal relationship where he is acting more like an authority figure than her equal..and she is allowing herself to be led. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lavenderdove Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 that incident would have gone entirely different if you'd just introduced your BF... it's frankly pretty rude to start talking to anybody and not give an introduction, let alone chatting up an acquaintance who is drunk, taking their number etc. And i have to ask, why didn't you introduce him? It just take one second to do that so that begs the question why you would avoid that... but truly, i think you and he are in different life stages... you are thinking about school and moving and career, and he is established and just wants to live a quiet lifestyle with a partner. That may be a large part of the problem, that you aren't ready to settle into a 'married' lifestyle with someone yet because you have other goals and interests. If he is paying for everything and you are dependent on him financially and not married, along with the age gap this can settle into a Daddy/daughter kind of situation more than equal partners where he feels the need to 'mentor' you which creates a bad dynamic in the relationship. Some older guys who date younger women do so because they happen to fall in love, but others do so because they prefer to be in a more parental role where they control things and control the woman as well and choose a younger less savvy partner because that allows them more control. So you have to evaluate what is going on here, and not play daughter to his daddy if you want to be more independent. that would involve making decisions about ways to support yourself without depending on him for income, and taking a full time job (any job) to get out and start supporting yourself until you find a better one. right now you have the luxury of not taking just any fulltime job because he pays for things, but there is a price for that as you're discovering. And you need to start talking about what both your future goals are, and see if you can find a compromise where both your goals are met. But if he wants to settle down, have children and live a married type lifestyle right away and you don't want to do that for 10 years, perhaps the relationship is a mismatch if you start to chafe too much at trying to live in a way you find restrictive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 Hmmm I don't know he just seems too controlling for my tastes and you keep mentioning it in your two posts. How he asked you to look happy so that you two can keep up a facade of having a wonderful relationship. I'm guessing he probably treats you somewhat like a child, seeing how you say you changed a lot to be with him, which means he brought up issues he didn't like about you and you altered yourself for him. This disturbs me too. That's how I feel sometimes... like a child. It's not very sexy if you ask me. But, and I even have a hard time admitting this... sometimes I feel like even though we have lots of fun together, I can't talk to him about anything academic because it bores him. That's one of my biggest joys. And I can't share with him. He's really smart in his own way, but not in that way. The other day he said he didn't know something VERY basic about the government and it horrified me a little. And even though he's very wealthy he doesn't donate to any charities. That bothers me too. He kind of insulates himself in his own little world. I want so badly not to be dependent on him, because then I would be much less defensive of my little bit of independence. But I think HE thinks that I would leave him. He's so darned insecure it drives me crazy. You don't sound very compatible. Ahhh so he is a sugar daddy and you're his sugar baby! This is, although frank, true. He's older, manipulative, financially supporting you. That's pretty much the definition of sugar baby. Anyways my advice, move out, establish a career, and if this isn't a sugar daddy relationship show him that there is a connection deeper than his stability. If you do that his insecurities should ease up, but if you were a hot 20 something and I was a late 30 something with money, I'd be insecure as hell about the depth of my relationship. I agree with this. There is no good reason for you to be financially dependent on a bf. And that gives him more impetus to "forbid" you to do things. I think it's clear you weren't innocent in that incident, but overall you need to be financially independent and to pursue your education and career. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilliesFan001 Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I still don't find anything wrong here - you're in a bar, you're going to talk to drunk people. She didn't share her drink with the drunk guy, she was sharing it with her boyfriend. So yes, I only find her a little bit rude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 So we chatted briefly (he was clearly quite drunk and I was nearly sober after having half a drink). I asked him what he was up to, and he said he was working for an advertising agency. I am working part time now, but I would give my right knee for a real job in my field, because I'm financially dependent on my BF. So the guy said he could get me an interview, and I got his info. Well, my BF was furious. He forbid me from contacting the guy, said I couldn't take any job working with him, because the guy didn't introduce himself to my BF and also touched me on the shoulders even though he (my boyfriend) "was clearly my boyfriend" because he "was taking sips out of my drink." I had to read this twice to get why others are blaming you. Yes, it would have been best to introduce your boyfriend, it was rude not to, but instead of reacting to your slight, your BF could have reached out to introduce himself. You and the other guy were talking about work, sharing information about a potential job. Not a red flag for me. The guy touched your shoulders? It doesn't sound like you invited this, but was it brief, or did it continue, like holding your shoulders, or an arm on your shoulder? I wouldn't have liked this, but if it was brief I don't see how to prevent it. I remember my insurance agent touching my shoulders as we were walking to his office door—it irritated me, but I did not take it as a pass but an unconscious patronizing move (although inappropriate). I did not correct him, it was brief, it caught me off guard. You said your talk with this guy was brief, so I do not see how you "allowed" the guy to be a jerk. His being drunk, or being a jerk of any kind is not your responsibility. Your being a "jerk" to him or anyone else IS your responsibility. It is also inappropriate for your boyfriend to "forbid" you from contacting this guy about work (assuming you would contact him during business hours when no one was drinking) and forbid you from taking a job with him. Huge red flags. In-your-face red flags? Too controlling for my liking. It is ok for your boyfriend to expect to be introduced and request that, and it is ok for him to have boundaries (i.e. no planned, private, after hours meetings with the drunk), but to forbid you from trying for a job based on a few minutes exchange, about work mind you, in a bar is not okay. I suggest you make financial independence a top priority and not just because of your relationship and accept that you might have to put your dream career on hold for a bit to get a job that will allow you to pay your own living expenses. I also think it's important for you to have friends that you socialize with independently of your boyfriend and if he is not happy with that reevaluate whether this relationship is healthy for you. I totally agree. Especially with the perspective of age, it's been decades since I've been in my 20's, and looking back, I should have made smarter choices early for my financial independence. At the time, I thought I was doing what I could in that vein while balancing love and relationship, but in reality my relationship came first and always did, and I don't think that was wise. I think he's overreacting. Unless I'm misunderstanding, I don't see how you did anything wrong - you ran into an acquaintance, started chatting about what you'd been up to and got onto the subject of work, and he offered to get you an interview - what's the big deal? If you were being flirty then I'd say differently but it sounds like your boyfriend got upset over nothing. If anything, I'd say it was just a little rude of you to not introduce your boyfriend - he may have felt awkward just standing there. But I don't see anything remotely sinister about your conversation. Also I agree with others - being financially independent from him is important. I agree with Phillies. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I highly doubt that the people saying you did nothing wrong would say so had they been in your boyfriend's shoes in the same situation. Made to stand there like a fifth wheel while their partner chats away to a drunk former acquaintance. I just don't believe people would be happy about that and would not be saying their partner did nothing wrong. A 'little bit' rude' is still rude. Why it is OK to be a 'little bit rude' to someone you are supposed to love is beyond me. I agree that this man is controlling and this is not a balanced relationship but sometimes it is cause and effect. I suggest that if you do find another relationship you look for one that is more balanced and equal but you should also be more careful of your own behaviour and make an attempt not to be rude - even if it is 'only a little bit' rude. The fact that he may be controlling doesn't excuse or negate what you did. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 Why it is OK to be a 'little bit rude' to someone you are supposed to love is beyond me. It is not ok to be rude, definitely, and she should apologize. When the drunk touched her shoulders it would have been a good time to turn and introduce her BF if she hadn't already. But the thread title is about being "inappropriate" which implies acting more forward or flirtatious than what happened here. So, yes, he was over-reacting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inthemeadow Posted December 11, 2011 Author Share Posted December 11, 2011 It is not ok to be rude, definitely, and she should apologize. When the drunk touched her shoulders it would have been a good time to turn and introduce her BF if she hadn't already. But the thread title is about being "inappropriate" which implies acting more forward or flirtatious than what happened here. So, yes, he was over-reacting. I appreciate your thoughts on the matter. I did apologize, in large part because of this thread. I didn't realize that I was being rude but I see now that what I did was disrespectful. He apologized too and agreed to give me more space. I have looked for jobs a lot! I worked in the food service industry for the past five years-- during and after graduation the whole way through. I recently lost a job that had decent pay, but it was the shadiest restaurant ever and I was frequently called an idiot and a stupid girl by the boss. He called everyone else names too. It was a relief to lose the job, because I wouldn't have quit, and I left on good terms with the boss. And he was right when he said that it will be hard to get hired somewhere else-- it's been totally fruitless applying to any restaurants/retail stores. Everyone wants to live here and there are so many applicants. By sheer luck I have started making artwork for a company and getting paid, but it's not enough to live on. My BF thinks I could make it big as a singer, and a few other people believe in that too. I'm working with a producer that is working on one of my tracks for free because he likes my work. But that's a slow process, and not something to depend on. Edit: yeah I could see why we sound incompatible judging from what I've written. But there's a reason why we don't generally fight that much (this was an exception). We have some personality traits that sort of balance each other. He is also very good about always thinking about my needs and I'm good at understanding him most of the time. And he's a fairly attractive man, had a few women interested in him but kept pursuing me until I gave him a chance. It can't be a perfect relationship until I get a job though. It just can't. But I'd say that oddly enough, this relationship is far less dysfunctional than pretty much any of the ones I can think of when it comes to anyone I know, friends or family. Which is a little sad too because I can think of a lot of dysfunction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 I did apologize, in large part because of this thread. I didn't realize that I was being rude but I see now that what I did was disrespectful. He apologized too and agreed to give me more space. That's good. Sounds like you are both learning to navigate together. Good luck with the job search. I think it is good that you are developing talents like singing and art into skills, which are long term investments, as well as looking for more immediate income sources. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted December 11, 2011 Share Posted December 11, 2011 And he's a fairly attractive man, had a few women interested in him but kept pursuing me until I gave him a chance. It can't be a perfect relationship until I get a job though. It just can't. But I'd say that oddly enough, this relationship is far less dysfunctional than pretty much any of the ones I can think of when it comes to anyone I know, friends or family. It is by nature dysfunctional, in my opinion, if he is financially supporting you and forbidding you to do things along with you changing things to be with him. Don't try to minimize. By the way, were the women interested in him around his age? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 It is by nature dysfunctional, in my opinion, if he is financially supporting you and forbidding you to do things along with you changing things to be with him. Don't try to minimize. By the way, were the women interested in him around his age? Totally agree with this. You're lucky to have a benefactor like him so you can pursue an artistic career but you're seeing the big downsides to that arrangement. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inthemeadow Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 It is by nature dysfunctional, in my opinion, if he is financially supporting you and forbidding you to do things along with you changing things to be with him. Don't try to minimize. By the way, were the women interested in him around his age? I did change things: I hardly smoke anymore, I'm cleaner, and I'm not so "all over the place." He does want me to work because "it tends to make people happier when they have a job" but I guess he was just royally insulted by the drunk. He says that he overreacted because he'd had his drink and a half when it happened, and his emotions were amplified. Doesn't make it right, but mine were too. I'm not totally disagreeing with you though. He can be possessive, which is not a fun thing to deal with. I tell him right off the bat though when he starts acting that way. Well I think there were more as he had no problem getting dates, but one of them was his ex (just a few years younger than he), one was a woman his age who was pursuing him pretty hard and was quite pretty IMO, and my really good friend from college my age. She was actually interested in him but was working on her own rocky relationship. They exchanged a few emails but just as friends, as I guess he wasn't very interested in her even though I think she's a catch. He looks about 30 or 31 to be honest. That was my first guess and I was quite surprised to find out he was older than that. No one bats an eye when they see us together because he looks quite young. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ms Darcy Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Not smoking much anymore is good, but it is still not good to be financially dependent on a boyfriend. Do you not see how unhealthy that is? The less you contribute, the more right he feels to be possessive; he's paying for you. The more you contribute, the better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inthemeadow Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Not smoking much anymore is good, but it is still not good to be financially dependent on a boyfriend. Do you not see how unhealthy that is? The less you contribute, the more right he feels to be possessive; he's paying for you. The more you contribute, the better. I totally agree with you. It's been very difficult to get an interview, let alone a job, and I've been submitting applications to all kinds of places. I think my best best is to find a connection somewhere that can get me an interview. I am working part-time editing videos to pay off my student loans, which is great but not enough to live on by any means. I would love to have a full-time job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Don't stay with him until you get a good job and then leave him - that would be unconscionable. If you are going to leave him, then leave him now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iBroken Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I read the first page only - I think your boyfriend is a tad too controlling. If dude was obviously drunk your man needs to get over it. Just because someone else acted one way, your boyfriend forbids you from seeing or working with anyone? Seems a bit excessive. Even if the thought of the introduction slipped your mind Oh and the whole "You cant go outside cause you might talk to him again"? Red Flag Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inthemeadow Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 Don't stay with him until you get a good job and then leave him - that would be unconscionable. If you are going to leave him, then leave him now. Wait, what? Edit: I just invited him home for Thanksgiving. Everyone loved him, he spoke German with my mom, and then sat on the couch for a couple of hours talking to my tiny 90 year old grandmother about their mutual passion for house layouts. It was adorable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
inthemeadow Posted December 12, 2011 Author Share Posted December 12, 2011 I read the first page only - I think your boyfriend is a tad too controlling. If dude was obviously drunk your man needs to get over it. Just because someone else acted one way, your boyfriend forbids you from seeing or working with anyone? Seems a bit excessive. Even if the thought of the introduction slipped your mind Oh and the whole "You cant go outside cause you might talk to him again"? Red Flag Yeah, I was pretty furious and actually yelled at him at that point. The stupid thing ruined the whole night. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bulletproof Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Wait, what? Edit: I just invited him home for Thanksgiving. Everyone loved him, he spoke German with my mom, and then sat on the couch for a couple of hours talking to my tiny 90 year old grandmother about their mutual passion for house layouts. It was adorable. You're backpedaling now. While that's a nice story, the bottom line is that your bf is forbidding you to do things, things that are perfectly reasonable, and you're obeying. I don't care if you were the rudest person on earth- he has absolutely no right to tell you what you can and can't do. He can tell you how he feels about things, he can tell you what he would do, whatever. But he cannot forbid you to do anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 Let's not over-react to the 'forbidding' and take it out of context. Obviously what he means is that if you want to be with him he won't tolerate you talking to a guy who hit on you when drunk and that you were rude enough not to introduce. He may not have phrased it well when in a bad temper and being upset but it's not as if he were threatenming violence or anything remotely close. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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