octour Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 I don't think it is speculation. A better part of this board is about healing and bettering yourself during post breakup and NC, right? I think it would stand to reason that if the dumpee does do this INSTEAD OF PINING AND WAITING, the results will be two-fold and the advice given here is accurate and worth taking into consideration. By doing this during post BU, you put yourself in the best position available for RC, or meet an even better person that will stand by you and work thru the couples problems instead of bailing on you. Hopefully, after reading this post some of the dumpees on this board will stop reading, pining, and posting and get to fixing themselves or bettering themselves. If a little bit of hope gets dumpees to get off their @sses and start healing, than what's wrong with that? During their 'fixing and healing' stage, their amount of hope will naturally begin to diminish and they will be able to see better with regards to what it is they really want and what is best for them. There's nothing wrong with looking for a boost to get you going in the right direction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 You are talking about improving to get the ex back, or make them regret dumping you, which is pointless. "Have any dumpers actually seen their ex's out and about or heard through the grapevine about how well they are doing and actually regretted dumping them for someone else?" If you are still at the stage where you care about this, you aren't moving on in a healthy manner. Improvement is for you and you only. If you improve for someone else it won't last. I agree don't sit around pining but also don't do any of this with an eye to what the ex thinks. It's wasted time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 I agree don't sit around pining but also don't do any of this with an eye to what the ex thinks. It's wasted time. But it's what the dumper thought that ended the RS in the first place. It might give the dumpee an idea of where to start in the first place. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 But it's what the dumper thought that ended the RS in the first place. It might give the dumpee an idea of where to start in the first place. No a hundred times no. I've always had a hard time with the idea that just because someone dumped us we need to make ourselves better, we need to fix what someone else thought was wrong with us. Do you have any real faults that are so bad you need to fix them? Fine go ahead with that. But I have to believe most of the time we were good people before the relationship and we are good people after it. We shouldn't be basing our self worth on the opinion of someone who dumped us. Most times they just use perceived faults to rationalise their descision, not because the faults are really so bad that you need to change your life around. So if you want to change something really bad about yourself for YOU, thats great. But don't do it because some idiot who didn't have the time of day for you thinks theres something wrong with you. Because 99 times out of a 100 there isn't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Silverbirch Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Well,I think for me at least some of the work I was doing on myself right at the beginning was at least partly motivated in the hope it would help me get the ex back, but as time went by and I began to heal, I did it more and more for myself. I personally suspect that there would be some dumpers who would have some regrets, especially if they saw they dumpee had worked on themselves, but I think that often the dumpees will lose their attraction to the dumper so any regrets the dumper might have become irrelevant as far as reconciliation. Honestly, there's a lot to be said for NC. Who knows Octour,if you had been the person you are now when you met her, you both may not have been attracted to each. After a reasonable period of NC, as Eocsor says - healing- that connection one feels to the ex evaporates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 I'm not changing me at all. I am changing my situation professionally. The stress became so bad it trickled down into every facet of my life. My sleep, my health, my demeanor etc etc. I am getting rid of that and never ever going back. Unfortunately, I couldn't do anything about it until recently. That's all. I'm still the same me and plan on staying that way. I'm just in a much better place professionally headed for an even better place after that. It's where I wanted to be with her, and her with me. It's these kind of changes that I think are okay with regards to keeping hope alive for an RC with your ex. Maybe I'll think differently 6 months from now, but for the time being that is my mindset. My ex was convinced that my (our) situation was never going to change. I started to believe it too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Well, if thats the only issue and you are really changing it, why don't you contact her straight up and let her know. Because it seems to me if that truly was the issue and she really loved you, she should be open to see where this would lead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 Well, because I am on my way to fixing things and she is involved with someone else. And I know that if I were to do that, it would be completely unsuccessful and that would be that. She would just see a half-@ssed effort and more or less say 'I knew this was too good to be true'. I made too many promises that never came to fruition because I just couldn't. I want to make good on those promises as that is just what they were, promises and not lies. I'm about halfway through my list of things that I need to do. All in about 4 months, not bad considering the mountain I have to climb. It is more important to me that I make these changes for me, it is. I know where I have to go and I know how to get there. I guess I'm just hoping there is a chance that she will see that I was telling her the truth and I am a man of his word, not a liar. Before all the crap that happened to me happened, all we did was laugh and smile. Plus, I would love to be in that position for anybody else I may meet along the way should there be no chance for an RC with my ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dezireey Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Octour I believe that a dumper in the situation you are referring to will come back only if they are still desperately in love with you, have no-one else that they have found or who compares and they only dumped you for that one obstacle, which they now know is removed permanently for them. They would also get one whiff of the information through the grapevine / your message and they would be wanting you back in a shot. If this is not happening then they may have either a) healed and moved on and come to realise they didn't care that much after all or b) found someone else. I can think of a few men I dated in my youth that needed to change something (hell none of us are perfect) and I would have gone back to them readily if they did that but from experience most of us are aware that you can't change people. Perhaps it wasn't necessarily the work problem that your ex had an issue with? maybe more to do with your personal approach to it? e.g one person can be laid back and view a partner having their business mobile on them 24/7 as really uneccessary and rude and the other partner may have more anxiety about their job and being available at a moments notice, so their priorities in life are vastly different. Incompatibility is usually a deal breaker as there is just no way around that old chestnut. The best of us have probably ended relationships that we know for a fact only ended because we never saw eye to eye with our partner and there was no compromise or way out. The issue of love takes a back burner as we just know it won't work in the long run after trying and trying to make it work so we have to move on, sad but true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 It was totally the work problem and the problems that came about because of it. I know it and she has on more than one occasion let me know that that is how she feels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted December 8, 2011 Share Posted December 8, 2011 Well, as long as it's for you that you're changing it has a chance to stick. Use the end of this relationship as an impetus to improve some obvious issues. If it was me I'd forget the ex though. It sounds as if shes moved on. It really doesn't matter what she does or doesn't think about you anymore. What matters is what you think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 8, 2011 Author Share Posted December 8, 2011 I don't check up on her or anything. But I do think about her a lot. I guess that once I reach the point where I want to be, (hopefully 6-8 months) I may start to look for her. And hopefully, the changes that I needed and wanted to make for me will be enough for her to think twice or entertain the idea of an RC. And at that time, that will be all I can hope for should I still want to get back with her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feenyx Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 "I miss you terribly and I can't sleep. I regret letting you go, but now I'm in a dead-end relationship. For the sake of my sanity and those around me, where did we go wrong?" Would this count as a sign of regret from the dumper? My ex decided to write this after he had found out, either through friends or seeing a picture on Facebook, that I had gotten engaged. I guess he was shocked. Probably not as shocked as I was when I figured he was cheating on me with said "dead-end relationship". I did feel a bit of karma coming back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LightInTheSky Posted December 9, 2011 Share Posted December 9, 2011 Well I'm fairly young and don't have a super big amount of experience or anything but I think there are qualities that are universal in people through out the ages. I'm also going on advice given to me by older members of my family and friends. I'm going to start with an example of what can happen when you DON"T change after a relationship. Sure you can stick your head in the sand and plug your ears and believe you are an amazing person with not one quality that needs to change. Or you can be realistic and realize that everybody can ALWAYS improve on themselves. Luckily you have realized that work was apart of you that needed to change and it has, but keep it going, maybe choose one more aspect you want to improve on, maybe it's a quality that you already have but want to expand, for me it was being adventurous. Anyway my example is going to be my mother. She's a great person, truly I love her with all my heart, but she has been married twice and engaged numerous times and has gone through a lot of heartbreak. One of the reasons being she never really changed. She ended up making the same mistakes in her relationships over and over again. Now that doesn't mean she isn't a great person with a lot of friends and a good social life, ect... It just means she didn't take her failed relationships and turn them into a learning experience. Can a dumpee changing make a dumper regret what they did, maybe, anything is possible. I have only had a few relationships but one of them when he cheated and I found out, I dumped him immediately. His cheating seemed to come from a lack of confidance, whenever he'd fail an exam he'd go out with friends, get drunk, and hook up with someone, pretty bad stuff. But, I could see the issues he was having that were underlying to the cheating and if I saw him changing his ways, fixing the problems that led to the cheating, I would still to this day consider giving it another go. Although i wouldn't regret breakup with him because it was necessary at the time. If I saw him be able to make the commitment to someone else after he changed his ways it would DEFINITELY sting (like if he pulled his S*** together and managed to get engaged or something) Thats just me and how I might react but then I don't know your ex or you so I don't know how your specific situation would turn out. I did feel a bit of karma coming back. Gotta love that karma, my recent ex who left me to be single and have fun has started gaining weight, brightens my day just a little bit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 10, 2011 Author Share Posted December 10, 2011 I came accross this thread somehow and thought it was very relevant and supportive to the point I was trying to make: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hunkydory Posted December 10, 2011 Share Posted December 10, 2011 I think in the case of this question the the answer is old line "Living well is the best revenge". it's what I'm doing. I've looked at every aspect of my marriage and realized there wasn't much there that needed changing, and certainly nothing that deserved starting an affair over. Even so, I decided I was going to become the best I could be, mentally, physically and monetarily, if that causes my Ex regret somewhere down the line more power to it. If it doesn't it won't matter, I'll have upped my game so many notches I'll be out of her league anyway ;~) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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