Batya33 Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 It certainly would not have been appropriate if he did know. It still could have been a plausible trigger to his misguided assumption to how someone in that kind of relationship would act to such an approach. Stereotypes and false assumptions. Yes but most people who learned basic manners in kindergarten wouldn't assume it was ok to touch someone you just met in a sexual way unless the person asked for it or was a prostitute there for a job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catcountry Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Ok, perhaps you know how you'd react, but not everyone is the same. I have respect for myself, but I don't know how I'd react. I don't like causing public scenes, being angry, or causing trouble for people. My tendency in these situations is to freeze up and try not to make a big deal about it so I don't draw attention to myself. I think it is insensitive to imply that when this happens, it means that they don't have respect for themselves. So if someone grabs your crotch several times you won't make a scene? BTW there is no need for a scene...just leave. I never said she didn't have respect for herself. What I said was I would have respect for MYSELF. My self-respect and herself-respect are probably completely different as we are completely different people. I never said it was her fault I simply stated what I would do. No need to get defensive. Cynder If I have offended you with my oppinion than I am sorry but, this is a public place for those oppinions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catcountry Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Which is implying that this is her fault. Frankly, if i was at a strangers house with no way of getting home and a child in the room, I doubt I would have had the strength of character to make a huge scene too. I don't understand why leaving an uncomfortable situation is a "huge scene" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 Ok, perhaps you know how you'd react, but not everyone is the same. I have respect for myself, but I don't know how I'd react. I don't like causing public scenes, being angry, or causing trouble for people. My tendency in these situations is to freeze up and try not to make a big deal about it so I don't draw attention to myself. I think it is insensitive to imply that when this happens, it means that they don't have respect for themselves. I agree. Just because I didn't react the way some people would doesn't mean I have no respect for myself. I'm an introvert and I find myself reacting the same way Greywolf does in situations involving conflict. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
greywolf Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 So if someone grabs your crotch several times you won't make a scene? BTW there is no need for a scene...just leave. I never said she didn't have respect for herself. What I said was I would have respect for MYSELF. My self-respect and herself-respect are probably completely different as we are completely different people. I never said it was her fault I simply stated what I would do. No need to get defensive. Cynder If I have offended you with my oppinion than I am sorry but, this is a public place for those oppinions. Yes, you did state what you would do, but you are also implying that because Cynder didn't do what you would have done, that it wasn't good enough. It comes accross as judgmental. You are saying that you are just giving your opinion, but you are doing more than that. You are questioning Cynder's actions like she did something wrong. And I will always defend someone if I think that people are making them even more ashamed or making them justify their actions for a situation that wasn't their fault. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 I don't understand why leaving an uncomfortable situation is a "huge scene" I already said it once. Where was I going to go? This guy's house was out in the country, too far from town to walk home. And even if distance wasn't the issue, I honestly didn't know where we were, so I don't know if I could have found my way back to town even if I could have walked. The guy I'm dating didn't drive me there. His friend took us there. So even if he would have left with me (and I'm sure he would have) he couldn't take me home. Leaving wasn't a practical solution, like I said before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catcountry Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Yes, you did state what you would do, but you are also implying that because Cynder didn't do what you would have done, that it wasn't good enough. It comes accross as judgmental. You are saying that you are just giving your opinion, but you are doing more than that. You are questioning Cynder's actions like she did something wrong. And I will always defend someone if I think that people are making them even more ashamed or making them justify their actions for a situation that wasn't their fault. well....read it however you would like to. I feel no judgment for Cynder and I have already apologised it it has come accross that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catcountry Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 I already said it once. Where was I going to go? This guy's house was out in the country, too far from town to walk home. And even if distance wasn't the issue, I honestly didn't know where we were, so I don't know if I could have found my way back to town even if I could have walked. The guy I'm dating didn't drive me there. His friend took us there. So even if he would have left with me (and I'm sure he would have) he couldn't take me home. Leaving wasn't a practical solution, like I said before. No...I guess asking your guy to leave wasn't an option? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 No...I guess asking your guy to leave wasn't an option? I guess not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mindi Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 How did you even end up at this guy's house ? Why didn't the friend who brought you there take you home immediately? How is it that he didn't get punched in the face right away by your boyfriend? This entire situation is really ridiculous, how any of this could have happened with other people around is beyond me. You should report this to the police, have it on record that he assaults women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marah Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Woulda coulda shoulda...I see no point in telling someone they didn't react strongly enough to something that happened to THEM. I think the word assault is too strong. He was a disgusting, rude, and inappropriate guy, but I don't think what happened was assault, just very uncomfortable and wrong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mindi Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 It is assault when someone touches you in a sexual place after you tell them not to. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marah Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 It is assault when someone touches you in a sexual place after you tell them not to. The definition of assault is up to no one but the OP. If she's not freaking out and calling the cops, she must be viewing it in a different way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PhilliesFan001 Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 Sorry it happened to you OP, ignore the criticism, it's tough to react sometimes in situations like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted December 5, 2011 Share Posted December 5, 2011 How embarrassing, in front of your friend too. He must have been jealous of you and your boyfriend. Probably does that to little girls too, when no one else can see. It's a scary world out there. Sorry, Cynder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 How embarrassing, in front of your friend too. He must have been jealous of you and your boyfriend. Probably does that to little girls too, when no one else can see. It's a scary world out there. Sorry, Cynder. He only did it when it was just him and I in the room (and his son playing video games, but his son had his back turned.) I don't think he had the guts to try it in front of anyone. Later on when my guy (still don't call him my boyfriend, lol) were back at his house he told me if he would have known this guy was doing that to me he would have gotten punched. I'm glad it didn't get to that point though... Those two get into a fight, this perv calls the cops and gets my guy for assault (which he would have been able to do, considering we were on his property) then my guy gets carted off to jail. He's really trying hard right now to find a job. Going to jail for assault probably wouldn't make his search easier. I hope to Gods he doesn't do it to little girls too. I'm glad they have a son and not a daughter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 He put his hand in your crotch as many as 5x and all you said was "don't do that" and you moved further away? Wow. Why not get up and go find your boyfriend and say this guy is sexually assaulting me let's get out of here NOW! It's like a boulder is rolling down the hill towards you and you just stand there and get runover rather than move to the side. I don't get it. I didn't just sit there and say "don't do that." I yelled at him. And as stated before, leaving was not an easy option. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 And people wonder why rape goes unreported. lol It's as if people think you enjoyed it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 And people wonder why rape goes unreported. lol It's as if people think you enjoyed it. Ya know, I was actually thinking that reading some of these replies. I'm glad someone else said it, I thought I might get in trouble saying it. I used to work at a battered women's shelter. I worked with rape victims and I volunteered on a crisis line also. I've heard stories from women who were raped and never reported it. It's unfortunate that this is the way people treat these situations. This happened to me and so many people want to act like I was asking for it or didn't do enough to stop it. He himself even tried blaming me because I was sitting Indian style with my legs open. And people here suggested I report him to the police? Why so the police can ask me a hundred questions about why I didn't do this, didn't do that, etc...? I don't think this warrants a call to the police, but if he would have done something worse and I did call the police is this how they would react? Sad sad world... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 but if he would have done something worse and I did call the police is this how they would react? Very likely. Women that sit with legs open are GUILTY! LMAO Some things you can't even rant about. Oh, my! I am sitting cross-legged right now! Actually I do this all day long. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 I know it is not easy to talk to the police about something like this. They do not always appear to be any too sympathetic. They have a billion questions and some of them not too pretty. You are not treated like a victim of something. I know why a lot of rapes and assaults are not reported. I reported one of mine and went to court and I got violated by the law too. Reporting sexual assaults is basically a crap shoot. If it were to ever happen to me again I am not sure I would ever report again. I might, I might not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 I know it is not easy to talk to the police about something like this. They do not always appear to be any too sympathetic. They have a billion questions and some of them not too pretty. You are not treated like a victim of something. I know why a lot of rapes and assaults are not reported. I reported one of mine and went to court and I got violated by the law too. Reporting sexual assaults is basically a crap shoot. If it were to ever happen to me again I am not sure I would ever report again. I might, I might not. A guy my Mom was dating got really inappropriate with me when I was 15. He didn't touch me but he wanted me to take off all my clothes so h could look at me. He said he had never seen a naked virgin before and it was always a fantasy of his. When I wouldn't, he accused me of not being a virgin. I was raised Catholic, so not being a virgin is a big no no unless you are married. I told my Mom and she got pissed at me because she thought I was lying and attention seeking. And she continued dating the guy. And then when stuff like this happens and people wait several years to tell someone, then they are questioned about why they didn't tell sooner. You are damned no matter what. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lonewing Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 Now that you've been through this once, you can better prepare yourself for the next time something like this happens. Because if it has happened once, it may well happen again. Heaven forbid that it ever does. But in any case like this, action takes foresight and planning, whcih come with experience. Experience is a horrible thing some times, but the greatest scholars start as the most besieged pupils... As for his wife... I bet she may very well already know. And finally...Never underestimate the power of a woman sitting out in the cold who says the words "I want to go home." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cynder Posted December 6, 2011 Author Share Posted December 6, 2011 On a side not... I think it's funny also that people are saying the guy I'm with should have punched him out or something. Well, what if he would have... and I come on here and post something "My boyfriend punched some guy out in my honor and now he's in jail. What can I do to help?" I can see the replies now... "Oh wow Cynder, what a winner this one is. You really snagged yourself a great catch. Let the violent ass rot in jail!" "Real men don't solve problems with their fists." etc etc etc... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seraphim Posted December 6, 2011 Share Posted December 6, 2011 A guy my Mom was dating got really inappropriate with me when I was 15. He didn't touch me but he wanted me to take off all my clothes so h could look at me. He said he had never seen a naked virgin before and it was always a fantasy of his. When I wouldn't, he accused me of not being a virgin. I was raised Catholic, so not being a virgin is a big no no unless you are married. I told my Mom and she got pissed at me because she thought I was lying and attention seeking. And she continued dating the guy. And then when stuff like this happens and people wait several years to tell someone, then they are questioned about why they didn't tell sooner. You are damned no matter what. This is true Cynder. I was molested by several people when I was little and I have only ever told my mother about one person. She believed me because she knew me but also because she knew the person who molested me and she totally believe me. Unfortunately in court when I was 14 with no support I got pummeled into the ground. They did not allow my parents in the courtroom. I had no one and had to face my molester alone while he questioned me HIMSELF because he had no lawyer. It was remanded to the supreme court of the province I lived in. When the prosecutor was prepping me for the court case he treated me like a total you know what, he asked the most disgusting things one could ever ask of a 14 year old. Things I knew nothing about. Even the 2 child psychologists at the questioning, the social worker and the 2 detectives though he was completely out of line. He questioned me for hours on end and I eventually had a nervous breakdown and the molester walked because they staid the charges against him. My parents were not allowed in the questioning either. The law treated me entirely unfair and that was not even the defense. It was not just me who felt he was brutal. Every person in that room felt so but him. He is the reason a pedo is walking the streets to this day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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