He says he wants to see me...

[FreedomRing]

I think you did the right thing.

 

I suspect your initial text exchange didn't sit well with you, no matter how much you were trying to force yourself.

 

Just be good to yourself - you'll get through this. On YOUR time.

[DN]

Well fair enough, but I suspect you have foregone any chance of a reconciliation.

[StrwberryWine]

Well fair enough, but I suspect you have foregone any chance of a reconciliation.

 

Well that makes me feel like .

[DN]

I'm sorry that you feel badly but it's no good saying something that I don't feel is true. A cardinal rule in any attempt at reconciliation is communication and you can't communicate properly without seeing someone.

[DylanNotorious]

Well fair enough, but I suspect you have foregone any chance of a reconciliation.

 

 

I agree with this too. It's the perfect opportunity to see what he wants, as he's going to be in the same area as you. You should tell him it would be nice to meet up afterall and talk. It's either going to go one of two ways - working on getting back together, or closure.

 

And it's always best to do it in person.

[Ms Darcy]

I think you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. If you flip out during the meeting, you would regret that much more than seeing him.

[winniethepooh]

He initiated contact last night for the second time in almost three months since the breakup.

See, now that you stopped with your texts etc, he's the one starting. But you let that text conversation drag on far too long I think.

 

I wanted to come off distant and coy. But not too distant. I just wanted him to show some real effort if he really wants to see me for a good reason. I'm not interested in seeing him if it's going to make this whole process worse. If he's interested in possibly starting something up again I may be more willing to see him. So I don't know what to do. I want to see him. I've seen exs after the breakup, I was terrified, but I was able to play it off well. I usually relax once I get there, it's the anticipation that gets to me. What do I do now?

Maybe his communication was the best you were going to get. It's not what you want, but it's not nothing, so decide if it's an opportunity to reconnect or not. If it's not a good enough opportunity for you, leave him alone. You're taking a risk either way I think but having read some of your previous posts about this guy, he sounds too flaky to me at the moment. Search for posts by a user called MrSoAndSo2009 for some insight into partners leaving in the way it sounds like he did ( ).

 

Are you in any shape to play text message games with him, come off distant and coy etc? It doesn't seem like you are to me. And don't mess about with pretending to have a busy schedule if you don't. I think the way you are at the moment, you won't be able to keep up the pretense involved in playing that game.

 

I didn't respond to the 'plans' text because there is nothing to say. When he's free, he'll let me know. If I happen to also be free, we'll get together. The 23rd and the 24th are a Friday & Saturday before Christmas. Weird he would be going back to his college town before the end of the break and before Christmas. His family doesn't celebrate Christmas but still, I would think he would spend his whole break with them.

Hmmm. That might be curious, but there's no point in worrying about it (I say, knowing full well that's EXACTLY the sort of thing I would ponder on myself ).

 

Me looked at my schedule and I'm pretty open on both the 23rd and 24th due to Christmas. No work, etc. When you have a better idea of your schedule feel free to call to solidify plans."

If you can arrange by text, probably better. You haven't spoken to him in a while so talking on the phone is likely to be difficult for you emotionally. Better would have been to suggest a date and time I think.

 

I texted him this morning.

I told him I'm not ready to see him yet, and I was sorry for changing my mind.

I'm so scared. I feel so depressed now. I want to see him so badly and I guess that's exactly why I shouldn't ;(

Ok, I can understand your fear. Leave it for now. Don't contact him at all for a few days. If he contacts you, focus on being neutral and getting out of the conversation as quick as possible. If he suggests a meeting, make an arrangement, then stop any further conversation.

 

He comes accross as just being friendly, and so my best guess is you should leave him alone. But if you want to give him the benefit of the doubt, you could try next week sending him a message along the lines of Hey, how about lunch on the 24th on your way out of town? Don't bring up your previous cancellation. Keep everything to a minimum. If he says yes, say Great, see you then. Don't continue the conversation, don't send him any more messages or call him. And try and focus on keeping it together when you do meet. Make an effort to do a few things in the days before, to take your mind off dwelling upon the meeting, and to have something to talk about. And if you can go for a run or swim or something just before lunch, that will help settle your nerves. Try and also have something arranged with a good friend (female) to go and do after lunch.

 

If you do arrange a meeting with him, and don't feel up to it on the day, cancel but don't make a big deal out of feeling bad or sorry etc. What I mean is don't cancel it between now and then, if you're tempted to, just remember you can cancel on the day.

 

You could try and force the issue and flat out ask him why he wants to see you, but he's already said his motivation was to catch up, or something equally tepid. Maybe that's all it is, maybe he's hesitant about opening up a bit more. So I suspect asking him will just scare him off.

 

You've got two major problems right now. One is your own emotional state. Your hope is going to wreck your head. The other is a lack of information about him. If he's with someone else and/or just being friendly to you, meeting him is going to wreck your head. Are you ready to deal with that if that's the case? To be honest, I think it would be quite cruel of him to suggest a meeting if he was.

 

My live-in boyfriend of over a year broke up with me two months ago. I have been devastated. He claimed that he 'needed space' but was still 'in love with me.' I didn't beg or plead, we cried, I left - I now live an hour and a half away, so I haven't seen him since.

This is from your topic a few weeks ago. He wanted space. Bah. I think you're better off giving him lots of space and leaving him alone.

[Citytothesea]

If my ex texted me and said 'what's going on?' I'd probably not reply because that's smacks of fishing for what are you up to and who are you with? If, however, he called me and said that he wanted to meet and talk then I might just do that. It would depend on why he wanted to meet of course.

 

So my gut feel about this one is that he probably doesn't want to reconcile, but he wants to check in to see what's happening in your life.

[StrwberryWine]

Wow, WinniethePooh, I really appreciate your in depth reply. I will check out MrSoAndSo2009.

After I canceled the meet up, the text communication was just not working. He ended up calling. He told me he'd been thinking about me a lot lately because I had sent his stuff back and that had 'made it seem final.' I asked him why he wanted to see me and he couldn't really answer me. He said 'do I need a reason?' I said yes, because I don't want to get hurt. After the phone convo he sent me a text about a song that came on that we used to listen to when we were first seeing each other - I interpreted this as no hard feelings. That was four days ago. No contact since. Day by day I feel a little better, getting back to be focused on me. I'm so busy I only have time to think about him in the mornings before work and that is starting to get better. Even if he wanted to get back together, I am terrified of the prospect. He was sooo self centered, the relationship was unhealthy, what would be different now?

[Ms Darcy]

You were very strong! You should be proud of yourself.

[winniethepooh]

After I canceled the meet up, the text communication was just not working. He ended up calling. He told me he'd been thinking about me a lot lately because I had sent his stuff back and that had 'made it seem final.' I asked him why he wanted to see me and he couldn't really answer me. He said 'do I need a reason?' I said yes, because I don't want to get hurt.

I think that was a good answer. His messing about it not helping you so the best you can do is be clear about yourself.

 

After the phone convo he sent me a text about a song that came on that we used to listen to when we were first seeing each other - I interpreted this as no hard feelings.

Try not to interpret things like songs, it's not helpful on his part.

 

That was four days ago. No contact since. Day by day I feel a little better, getting back to be focused on me. I'm so busy I only have time to think about him in the mornings before work and that is starting to get better.

Good for you. Keep going

 

Even if he wanted to get back together, I am terrified of the prospect.

I can understand that

 

He was sooo self centered, the relationship was unhealthy, what would be different now?

That's a very important question to answer. And as long as he can't answer that, I think you are wise to be very careful about things from here. Try not to be tempted to contact him, and if he contacts you, try and stay focused on getting clear information from him, or keeping some distance.

 

You were very strong! You should be proud of yourself.

I agree.

[StrwberryWine]

You were very strong! You should be proud of yourself.

 

I think that was a good answer. His messing about it not helping you so the best you can do is be clear about yourself.

Good for you. Keep going

 

Thanks so much. It helps to have decisions validated. It also helps to be told I'm being strong because sometimes it just doesn't feel like it

It's feedback from people like you at ENA that has helped me make good decisions for myself, I'm so thankful for this forum.

[bebebrokenhart]

Hi green. I just read this and you are very strong! I wish I had some of your strength. My ex asked if he could see me. I said no. He asked again. I said no. He asked again and said I had top priority and then yes came out of my mouth. I want to see him so bad but I feel weak and pathetic. I can't stay away. I never initiate contact... Yet he has all the power.

 

So you should feel strong and have confidence in yourself. I think you are very wise.

[StrwberryWine]

bebe - I am lucky that he has only asked once. I wonder how strong I would be if he continued to ask to see me.

In your case, you feel he has all the power because you give it to him by responding to his attempts to reach you. To keep my power, first I don't initiate contact. Second, if he initiates contact, I keep it as brief as possible and avoid talking about the relationship (well this was before he asked to see me). He has not contacted me since he asked to see me (NC= 6 days) and if he were to I would think hard about responding, and if I do respond it would be a very brief response. Hope that helps.

I read your initial thread and I have been in your situation too many times before... Even with this most current ex, the original breakup was in May or June or something. We were living together so we eventually got back together-ish. It was totally and completely awful. I was borderline suicidal actually. So hey, at least you don't live with the guy!!

[HeartGoesOn]

Well done!