journeynow Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 (That) Experience is the worst teacher, it gives the test before the lesson. --Vernon Law Ha Ha! Good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quirky Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 It confirmed something I had thought of before 'Don't go looking for fish at the butcher' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Man Who Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Few things I've learned, don't know if anyone else has touched upon them but hey ho: #1: You can only control yourself, nobody else, turn the focus on yourself instead of the person you(or they) left behind. #2: Most break-up books are a load of tosh(Scottish word which in short means rubbish) however the fundamentals for getting YOU back are actually pretty good and worth reading. 30 days everyone suggests for getting an ex back, which implies every situation is the same when this is not the case. #3: Every day we should be working on ourselves as human beings, whether it learning something new or improving ourself. #4: Doing nothing at all to get them back is golden! #5: This is pretty much my main one right here, I am thankful to my all my exes that I've had - if it wasn't for them I wouldn't of learned so much about myself and wouldn't of made the improvements I had made in my life. We learn a hell of a lot about ourselves once we're dumped or the dumper regardless of which way we look at it. #6: People change, deal with it but women are lots of whims, don't pander to every whim or it makes you look soft/weak. #7: Not every relationship is rosey even though both people are happy, their may be underlying problems in every relationship but sometimes we don't ever find out until it's too late to change them. #8: Life is as good as you make it yourself, love yourself first and foremost and then the cards will fall into place. #9: Going NC is specifically for trying to get you back, not your ex - some people use it for the latter but that way is game playing. Hope that helps a few people Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugs Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Hi - first post. My partner of 18 years told me one night in September there was "someone else" and she didn't "feel the same any more". She moved out immediately and I have not seen her since although we have texted/ e-mailed regarding practical matters such as collecting things etc. We will have to talk about the flat we jointly own but I cannot even face that conversation as I still hurt so much it is incredible. I cannot sleep still and can barely decide what to buy for dinner, let alone a huge decision about property! Anyway I have learned - after the initial shock subsided (which took at least a month) - that I believe she had been checking out of our relationship for at least a year. Small things that bothered me a bit but not so much that I made a big deal of them. Friends she saw and didn't introduce (I think they were her confidants), a couple of new interests.... I thought that was all healthy enough to be honest. So now she is in a place where her mind and emotions are settled and moving forward, and I am here in pain every day and wishing she would come back. I just wish I had spotted the signs.... would it have made a difference? I know I need to learn a lot more before I can move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wannadoitright Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 I'm sorry to hear you are in so much pain. It seems to me that you DID spot the signs. However, it is definitely a lot less painful to ignore such negative and heart breaking signs after 18 years of being with someone. I pray you get through this very soon and find a new meaning and greater happiness. ~wannadoitright Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bolegged04 Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 #1- Choose a mate that is willing to take you to meet their parents and not just their bedroom... #2- Your life never stops moving forward. Stay focused and never slow down with regrets. Smile, forgive, forget and keep moving on... #3- You cant want a person who doesnt want you... #4- Silence & No Contact is a killer... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 18 years, I'm sorry Nugs. Welcome to eNA. I know it's hard, especially as the shock wears off. I remember not being able to sleep or eat. It's tough, but care for yourself in every way possible. Like you, I didn't see the signs as a permanent condition, just a variation due to circumstances or the ebb and flow of time and life changes. The trick is not beating yourself up for not seeing the signs that you can see now. You know what they say about hindsight, it has 20/20 vision. (Mine isn't that clear, actually, but don't look back too hard and long, at least right now as you are moving toward healing.) I'll add that to what I've learned, don't beat yourself up for not seeing the signs. Those signs might look different from this side of the breakup. Like a sign with a message that is only visible after you've passed it and are looking back. Not very helpful, really. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nugs Posted December 2, 2011 Share Posted December 2, 2011 Thanks guys. yeah wannadoitright, I suppose I did spot them (the signs) insofaras I was aware of them and felt some gentle unease, but as journeynow says just thought well, after so long together it's good to have a few different friends, hobbies - no problem. Nothing else had changed I thought - genuinely - same laughs, enjoying each other's company, intimacy. I won't look back too much, or at least try not to. I never thought in a month of Sundays I would join a forum like this - never thought I'd need to!! Glad it's here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
prada Posted December 3, 2011 Author Share Posted December 3, 2011 Ive learnt that no matter how long u look at the phone. He is never going to call I also learnt how great it is to have a puppy!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
triangles Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I've learned that no matter how much I hurt, no matter how much pain I'm in, that I will not always feel this way and things DO get better. I've also learned that in the future, a small part of me will be grateful for the lesson learned from a painful experience. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleina2011 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I've learnt to deal with my insecurities. Fear of abandonment has always made be anxious. In the past I acted on these negative thoughts. Needless to say, they didn't help me in my relationships. I learnt how to turn negative thoughts into positive ones, and apply it in all aspects of my life. I've learnt that I should be thankful for the things I have rather than stressing about the things I don't have. I've learnt that there are going to be more losses in my life, and this experience will prepare me for what's there to come. I've learnt to take each day at a time, and to smile - if anything, it's better than being sad. We don't know whether we'll be alive this time tomorrow. We may as well enjoy the moment. I've learnt to make sure I make time for the people who actually care about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BlueRose66 Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 I've learned that sometimes love just isnt enough. I have learned that things you really dont like dont go away, they stick around to finally bite you in the butt. I've learned that I am the love of my life. I have learned to look before I leap and that communication is all important. But still with all that said-- I have learned truly that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Wormold Posted December 3, 2011 Share Posted December 3, 2011 (That) Experience is the worst teacher, it gives the test before the lesson. --Vernon Law So true. Hitting me hard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liraele Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I've learned that people that demand trust rather than earning it rarely deserve it. That no matter how loyal, honest, and faithful you are, some people just aren't. There isn't much point in beating yourself up about it, though you probably will anyway. I've learned that people who use the phrase "I had no choice" to describe poor behavior rarely make good long-term partners. I could keep going, but 3 is all I have time for at the moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Goodfellas Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 But still with all that said-- I have learned truly that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all..... My buddy's bro is a 27 year old virgin who has never dated. Shortly after my breakup, the three of us were disceting my breakup and I turned to him and said "I actually envy you right now for not having to feel this pain." He replied with the quote above. I thought it was fitting and true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wannadoitright Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 My buddy's bro is a 27 year old virgin who has never dated. Shortly after my breakup, the three of us were disceting my breakup and I turned to him and said "I actually envy you right now for not having to feel this pain." He replied with the quote above. I thought it was fitting and true. Well, although this is true for the most part, some relationships would have been better off not happening. Such as the one I just got out of. I've been through break ups before. I have moved on, learned a lot from them and been able to improve myself and become a better person. This one on the other hand was a total waste of my time and my emotions. It sucked the joy out of my soul and the sanity out of my head. It consumed me and I got NOTHING in return. I would erase it in a heart beat if I could. I guess you are right because the key word is LOVE. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mario043 Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I learned that being a 'nice guy' is not enough I learned that loving someone deeply is not enough I learned that people do not always tell you what is wrong before it's too late. I learned that sometimes relationships fall victim to random and uncontrollable events, over which we have no control. I learned that losing a partner also means having dreams (at least temporarily) crushed I learned that getting dumped hurts like mad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dobbin Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 i learned that i truly know what i want in a relationship and to be strong enough to break away from a relationship that has no future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesyjakk Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I learned..... Communication is key Nothing lasts forever and we have time with people, we don't have people Having kids is not nessessarily a comitment People leave after3 months they leave after 25 years Being broken up with is the most horrific experience and causes unimaginable pain Time heals all NEVER EVER EVER EVER beg again, but to accept and walk away gracfully.....including no stripping to get an ex back! To take time to heal, reflect, REBOUNDS ARE NOT good!! People change My family are the only true people I can count on, even when I move away to another city, they will always welcome me home no matter what I realised that my love for my son is so powerfull I would actually kill an army of goliaths should someone hurt him I realised I can love someone I realised I can date people I realised I am actually free now, to whatever, go wherever, and no matter how much I miss having someone, I should enjoy my time being single because I will not be single for ever and I will miss being single as much as I now miss having someone Never take people for granted Never compromise 100 percent of your heart, to always hold a little bit back, don't be afraid to comit, don't be afraid of women, but always have a small guard and always remember, they can walk away at any moment but not be afraid of them doing it. It is what it is, the world will not end, life will go on, the pain goes away, people make choices, you do to Enjoy every moment as if it's your last To respect people, to continue to be a nice guy not an a22 hole, not all women are the same as the same with guys, and one womans junk will always be another womans treasure. To finally...make goals...have dreams....build smiles....don't regret, but learn. Jonesy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
octour Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I learned that I never really knew who my ex was and what she was capable of doing. Either that, or I never really knew myself and what I was consciously or subconciously choosing to see. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleina2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 Great words Jonesy, very inspiring. Thanks for sharing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I learned that I never really knew who my ex was and what she was capable of doing. Either that, or I never really knew myself and what I was consciously or subconciously choosing to see. This^ Good one, octour. Im entering a phase of exploring that more deeply now, my perceptions and my choices, his patterns, and may post what I learn once I truly grasp it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
butterflyburn Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 I learnt that u should take never let the first hint of disrespect go unpunished and master your boundaries or you are toast When they start to pull back, attempt once and then turn your back Never drop to their level of lowly behaviour Not everything lasts forever. Sometimes they were in your life to teach u lessons and leave u better off for the next person Read self help books, they can actually save your life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LastMan Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 If you're a man, always protect your heart. Don't become co-dependent. And always be willing to walk away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Aleina2011 Posted December 4, 2011 Share Posted December 4, 2011 One of the Five Remembrances in particular: 'all that is dear to me and everyone I love are of the nature to change. There is no way to escape being separated from them. I cannot keep anything. I come here empty-handed, and I go empty-handed.' (Buddha) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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