Bottling it all up 1 year later

[jerbro]

That saying, “Some things are better left unsaid” keeps haunting me. Is it really the best thing to do? Me and (let’s call him Y) were in this sort of relationship that we took rather fast without formalizing. It was like friends with benefits but more than that. We had sex, we hung out every minute of the day, were very affectionate toward each other, we were exclusive, everyone thought we were a couple and it went on for about a year. We both had communication/trust issues. We both had an abusive childhood so our childhoods weren’t really emotionally engaging. Needless to say, expressing our emotions was out of the picture, when even telling each other that we enjoyed each other’s company was rather “going to far”. It was obvious physically, we could not go a day without seeking or talking to each other, but physical expression can only go so far. We ended up breaking up because I had to move for a job offer, and he was very supportive and happy for me.

 

The lack of formalization of our relationship I thought would make it easier for me to let him go. I thought to myself, “It’s not a real relationship. He hasn’t even bothered to make me his girlfriend.” I practically went cold on him and resented him for not making a move or trying but deep down, I knew it was also my fault. We stopped talking once I moved, I told him I was too busy to keep in contact, and he didn’t really try to make it otherwise. I think he sensed my played-out indifference somehow and perhaps thought that I never wanted anything official with him. I put that guard up, I don’t know if trying to protect myself or because of the resentment but what matters is I did. We had each other added on FB, which I purposely stayed inactive on but I would look at his (and still do) with a sign that maybe he missed me. Every girl on his profile I thought was the new girlfriend, the real girlfriend, the one that was never me. I was waiting and waiting for that day to crush me. Deep down, I just wanted it to happen so that I would hurt and then let it go, but that day never came in the year we’ve been apart.

 

I was listening to the radio early and I heard this song by Katy Perry titled “The One That Got Away”. Even though I hadn’t cried in about 4 months (despite him still constantly being on my mind), I burst out crying for about 2 hours. “I should have told you what you meant to me.” That is close to my heart but I was so scared. I still am, because I honestly don’t know what he felt for me. The dreamer in me says that felt just like me, that he was just hiding it because he had the same fears as me. The other side of me says that he never really felt anything for me, that if he would have wanted anything with me, he would have made me his girlfriend. He is so open with other girls, even flirty, but with me he was always different. Maybe because we were both so emotionally closed up.

 

Now I don’t know what’s worse, bottling it all up and crying even a year from the demise of our “relationship”, or knowing that I never got to tell him how much he meant to me because I am sure that by now, he really wants nothing with me. I’m so afraid that I will die and the last thing on my mind will be how I never told him how I felt about him. I can’t make that fear go away.

[Eocsor]

You never had a formal relationship, you chose a job over him, you went cold on him, told him you were too busy to keep in contact but you are surprised he didn't fight for you. Reality check time. Is it any wonder he let the relationship go?????

 

If he means so much to you contact him. Take a chance if it's eating away at you. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[DylanNotorious]

Yeah I think you missed the boat on this one. Too much pride obviously getting in the way. Like Eocsor said, you could try telling him how you feel - but what's the point when you've moved away?

[lyndsaylynn]

Hi Jerbro,

 

I'm sorry you are feeling so sad. After reading your story, I believe you should contact him to let him know your feelings and this is why. What is worse? Risking your pride? Or risking the loss of a potential future with someone whom you obviously care very much about?

 

The way I see it is, if you tell him how you feel and he doesn't feel the same, you will no longer have to wonder. Then you can try to move on for good. Your pride will hurt, but you will be okay!

 

If you tell him how you feel and he tells you he feels the same, then (hopefully) you will get your happy ending.

 

If you never say a word and just let this go you may always regret it.

 

Just my two cents. Hugs to you,

 

Lyndsay

[jerbro]

I don't know where you guys are picking up pride. Am I really the only one here at fault, though? He had one year of my affection to maybe make a move but he never did (I am used to the guy being the one to pursue a relationship, I've never gone after a guy). Is it so bad that I felt hurt when I left to the point I never wanted to hear from him again? I know it wasn't the 100% right thing to do either, but wasn't it a little justified?

 

And wouldn't you think it's creepy that after a year, your "ex" (but not really) contacts you?

 

I'm sorry if I seem rather negative about the situation and not to rationalize my behavior but rather to let you know what it was like for me: I grew up in an environment where no one in my family even said I love you to each other in my whole life (I am now 26). If anyone had a job offer, we'd choose that over family. If we had to attend school far away because if its quality, we'd move away too. That's the way we were. We always bottled up our emotions because they were seen as a sign of weakness. And for Y, it was almost the same. What made the difference in this relationship was that neither of us was emotionally expressive. In my previous relationships, it was easier for me to open up because at least he was emotionally sane/aware, but in this one, there was just hiding our emotions.

 

I don't even know what I am trying to get. I know it's too late now. I think I just wanted to vent.

[Eocsor]

You can't hang it all on him if you never expressed your emotions either. So yeah, you are at fault here. So is he. It's never just one or the other.

 

And you can't hide behind family upbringing. A lot of us had non expressive parents. My Dad was a General in the military and he never said I love you a day in his life. My Mom was repressed as well. But thats why I always went the other way and always expressed the way I felt.

 

But really, thats all water under the bridge now. You want him, go get him. Take a chance if it is bothering you. The only real regrets in life I had are the chances I didn't take. And no, it's not creepy to here from an ex a year later. Some of us would have sold our souls for just that taking place.

[lyndsaylynn]

Jerbro,

 

If it isn't pride (and only you know for sure) then it is the fear of what will happen when you reach out.

 

As hard as it is to know the truth, I believe it is the only sure way to move on with your life. Even if the answer is a painful one.

 

Lyndsay