Reconciliation after a LDR break up

[GuitarGirl99]

Just wondering... Does anyone have any stories about getting back with an ex when you were in a long distance relationship?

 

Also... What are the chances of getting back with an ex when you have been in a LDR (With the distance not being the reason for the breakup!!)

 

Looking forward to reading the replies!!

[lonelyheart2]

Ooo I also want to know this although my ex claims it was because of the distance....slightly different but still long distance! I haven't heard of any stories yet...

[butterflyburn]

Catch me again deluding myself about long distance. I used to think everyone who was skeptic was a hater but after 2 tried and failed attempts and they all seemed so promising I am done with long distance. Good luck with yours and my apologies for sounding so negative

[lonelyheart2]

Why did yours fail butterflyburn? Did your ex end it or was it you? Was it just because of long distance or other reasons?

[intotheself]

Who will be able to tell about the chances of GBT in any break ups?

 

I assume that the chances are much slimmer in LDR break ups. (I was in LDR and was broken up with.)

In a way it is easier to let go in LDR break ups, as it is easier for you go into NC. You can't bump into your ex off line!

[lanaa]

I am in the same situation,he claimed it was because of distance he was ending,but i doubt it

[Thorshammer]

I had a semi-relationship going on that went LD (beginning phases of a relationship, where commitment was expected, but not clearly agreed upon, I guess that would be a better way to say it). I dumped her, i met someone else. I told her it was because of distance.

 

I hate to be so blunt, but thats what happened. She played too many games, and since I couldnt check up on her, I went and played another "game". LD is hard, you need trust on top of trust to make it happen, because you miss a vital aspect of a relationship, and thats face to face contact and passion. You do "miss" these things, and doubts do creep up.

 

I did try to get her back, possibly work something out where I can go live by her... but she went right back to being miss-model that everyone needs to worship.

[intotheself]

I think men are more likely to get frustrated than women in LDR. That is possibly because men find it harder to go without sex over longer periods, whereas women can make up for themselves through verbal communication, 'talking' on the phone, skype, and chatting. I didn't realize how much my ex was getting frustrated in our relationship until he dumped me. I believed that as long as we wanted to talk every day, we could keep it going. He once expressed how hard it was for him, but I was not sensitive enough to take it seriously, which I regret very much. Men and women have different expectations in love. Men do need to express and experience love through physical contact. Women need to do so, but to the less extent. If love is all about communication, LDRs will not fail as two people in LDR communicate much more than off line couples. Love lives on physical intimacy as well.

[lanaa]

I did try to get her back, possibly work something out where I can go live by her... but she went right back to being miss-model that everyone needs to worship.

 

 

ohh she did NC to you?

[Jim Wormold]

You need lots of money money money to visit.

 

I never did and that was always the beginning

of the end. Those damn LDRs - the last 8 months of my

latest ex too. All those questions she had to face from friends

and family: "why isnt your boyfriend visiting?", her feeling lonely

and me just feeling like the loser.

 

She didnt pressurize me. She was great, but when

she returned she told me she had changed. That, and my subsequent

feelings of inadequacies that turned into neglect to somehow deal

with what seemed like a hopeless situation only made me blow

the best relationship I have had so far.

 

The previous ex before her similar story, was als LDR - she gave me an

ultimatum though: find a good job or else its over for us. She broke it a week later.

Dont miss that ex at all after that move though.

 

I hate LDRs with a passion!!!!!!

[Thorshammer]

ohh she did NC to you?

 

Yes, it worked perfectly... it was like a spell.

 

Lol, no... she would sign on aim and we would chat once in a blue. She would contact me here and there and then tell me she was pregnant and she is moving in with her new boyfriend. It was all BS, she was a drama queen making things up. I did like her a lot though, but like i said, i felt like i wasnt really with her.

[swann]

I agree with JW's post. It does take a lot of money to do most LDR's. Money, time, trust and effort in all manners. I know I spent a ton of cash in plane tickets alone. I don't think I'll be doing another one any time soon. And to the start of this thread about reconciliation that won't be happening in my case either. Too much to mention here but just the distance alone will keep that from happening. I couldn't afford to do it again even if I wanted to!

[swann]

And I also agree with someone else who said it's easier to let go in a LDR as you don't have to see them at all. I can't imagine how hard it would be if I had to see my ex running around town especially with someone else and/or hear about her from mutual friends or some such. I am thankful for that by leaps and bounds. Just that alone has helped me in getting over her a great deal. I feel for the folks who have to interact with ex's on a frequent basis. A "lucky stars" type of deal for LDR breakups. As long as you don't search them out on-line you can be free of their presence and that is good.

[loulou37]

And I also agree with someone else who said it's easier to let go in a LDR as you don't have to see them at all. I can't imagine how hard it would be if I had to see my ex running around town especially with someone else and/or hear about her from mutual friends or some such. I am thankful for that by leaps and bounds. Just that alone has helped me in getting over her a great deal. I feel for the folks who have to interact with ex's on a frequent basis. A "lucky stars" type of deal for LDR breakups. As long as you don't search them out on-line you can be free of their presence and that is good.

 

A break up of a LDR is just as hard as any other relationship..i know, i've been through 2 and they (to me ) have been the hardest to get over, i know there's no chance of bumping into my ex, also as it was distance that caused the problem in the end, i know i can't solve that, not right now anyway...i can't think!!.. i'll change and show him and we might have a chance to fix things...there's nothing i can change...it's over n i can't fix it and i feel helpless.

 

loulou x

[swann]

I hear what your saying loulou37 especially the "I'll change and show him (in my case her) and we might have a chance to fix things" but when their not there to see the 'changes' what good does it do? I get that, I really do but in my case if she wasn't willing to stick around and see the changes then even if I made changes it would be something else I think. By the time she was telling me the "why's" this isn't working for her she had already checked out mentally and was detaching before I had a clue as to what was going on. The only change I can show her now is that I no longer pine away for her and I show that by no contact.

 

For me, it would have been sooooo much harder had I had to see her and even worse her and her new guy. That would have been crushing at one point. Now not so much, still wouldn't want to see it but I don't care as much now either but my point is I didn't have to deal with seeing her in person at all and that helped me to get over her that much more quickly. And trust me, it took me long enough to get over her as it was and honestly I'm still not completely over her to this day but I'm getting better every day as well. Every day away is another day further away. And I loved this woman very much so in my case her being long distance was a blessing.

[lonelyheart2]

I think all relationships are hard to get over whether long distance or not but I guess we are lucky we don't have to bump in to them all the time. Although at the beginning of my break up that's all I wanted to do!!! It saddens me that there appears to be no stories of reconciliation in this thread

[Fun Boater 1]

LDR's very rarely work. The only ones that ever have a chance of succeeding are those couples who have already established a normal, healthy, LOCAL relationship and have already made a commitment to each other yet they are forced to do the LDR thing due to geographic seperation out of their control such as a job or military deployment. And to overcome the inconvenience and strain the distance puts on the relationship, both partners have to love each other very much for it to last.

 

People who have a history/cycle of getting involved in LDR's, and who have a string of failed ones behind them, most likely have commitment and intimacy issues themselves which they might not understand. Continually seeking out unavailable partners is a HUGE way to avoid the realities of a day to day relationship. LDR's are "pretend" relationships - you spend 1-2 weekends a month, or much less, blissfully together and pretend to have this wonderful connection when the reality is that when the weekend is over you go back to your solitude. Because you never spend any real amount of quality time together you avoid having to deal with a plethora of issues/problems/trivial misunderstandings...etc. that comes with a dating relationship where you regularly have to interact with your partner. People with commitment and intimacy issues often seek these kinds of relationships because it's "safe" emotionally, and they never have to risk a real commitment, thus never having to open themselves up to hurt. However, when the LDR goes sour (which in 99% of the time, it does) these same people often feel crushed even though subconciously they knew it was never going to go anywhere "serious" - hence their choice of LDR partner in the first place. The same dynamic applies to people who have a habit of becoming involved with partners who are married because its the same issues that causes the behvior - fear of intimacy and commitment.

 

If you have a bad track record of these kinds of relationships then take a hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you continually become involved in LDR's. There are one hell of alot of elgible single people in this world who are sane, emotionally healthy, and desirous of a relationship - and plenty of them reside in your area code! LDR's are losing propositions. Unless you are just after casual fun and occasional companionship - avoid them.

[Jim Wormold]

The minute my ex told me she wanted to go abroad for her studies

for one year, my heart started secretly building a little wall around it.

 

When I look back over that period of 17 months we were together including

the last 8 months LDR, all my actions were subconsciously guided by the will

to protect my heart. It is obvious to me now and it becomes even more so in therapy.

 

It is strange how we are not even aware of what our heart is sometimes doing.

 

I do blame the "ultimatum ex-ex" for many of my fears with the current ex. Stupid thing is we are in

the same field professionally...its a small one too and I am dreading bumping into her.

She then even sent me this ridiculous email soon after our BU to say "oh, my new boyfriend

and I just returned from a weekend away". Woah.

 

There is no way I would ever respond to any possible attempt at contact from her side.

 

I dont know if I would be up for an LDR again. She would have to either let me move with her

or we can forget the whole thing. Easier said than done I guess.

 

If she is worth it then I would give up my job and everything to move with her, but what

if she dumps me then?

 

I remember meeting an American guy who got a job working in a ship kitchen so he

could make his way to South Africa to be with his girlfriend. I always thought that was the

one of the most romantic stories I had heard. My ex-ex didnt allow me the move of course...

I so wanted to copy that American

[Goodfellas]

My ex and I dated for 4.5 years, the last 2 years were long (flying) distance as she obtained her Master's degree. It was fine, I was actually surprised at how well we handled the distance, visiting each other often and Skypeing too. It wasn't until she got job offers that the "distance" became an issue. When the offers came rolling in, she began thinking more about us/our future together. This ultimately led to our undoing.

 

The reason we agreed upon, although initiated by her, was no end in sight to long distance. This was the case because we didn't have a definitive date in mind when we'd be together. Sure, I agreed to move to Montréal while she completed her internship, but that was just 4 months. Then I would be starting my Master's elsewhere and she had a bunch of question marks about where she'd end up. Travel? PhD? Work?

 

We dealt with the long distance on a day-to-day basis well, but never thought ahead. Once we did, we realized it had to end. I often wonder if we should've broke up after 2 years when she moved away initially, but I am grateful now for the opportunity and experience I gained in working through a LDR.

 

To answer the question: No, I don't see us reconciling as the original issue for breaking up (distance) has not been addressed. Nor do I see it being addressed in the near future (2-4 years.)