up or down the spiral?

[chickydoodle]

Today I dont really care if we make it or not.

I have proved to myself that I can live alone. He doesnt contribute much in his present state; emotionally, financially.

However he says beautiful things to me ; how gorgeous i am ; that he Loves me ......He jokes around and we are having a laugh -but it is unecessary for me to hear this. In other words it doesnt sway me - either way. I am wary.

Sometimes i wonder, what would i be doing now if alone.........and yeh it is good having his company but i would be okay without it.

I am ''comfortably numb'' today...... TG for antid's.

Regarding her, i do not have much regard for her......but I am at a stage where i am ok with this. I dont have to like her. I can let it be.

[chickydoodle]

April 1st

If only I had the strength to leave him. He was so happy to be with me again until I started to get emotional .

Facts:

He cant handle me being emotional.

He cant put in - for us. Wants to live his own so he can choose to see her whenever he wants - and me. I told him I never want to see or hear from him again if he leaves me this time .

He is sending her mixed signals - so of course she is going to hang on in the hope he will go back to her.

Time apart from her ( with me ) is making him miss her and want to see her and child....

He is obsessed with himself and his habit- has v little to give anyone.

My options:

Hang in - see him thru' rehab- hope he realises it is me he wants even if i have to wait a year.

Kick him out ( too painful for me at this stage and i need the rent money he is contributing)

Game plan

Get counselling to make myself strong again

Use my time with him to observe , see how utterly hopeless he is and not right for me - stop Loving him.

Not kick him out but bide my time until I return to ireland for 3mths and he goes to rehab. I know when in re-hab it will be me he misses and maybe his child but not her.

 

Jesus, I ask for Guidance, clarity, strength. May things play out so it isnt too painful for me. I have been thru enough pain.

[chickydoodle]

April 23rd

I have been enjoying what little company he has to offer. I Have been patient with his promises and intentions to curb his using, so he is prepared for rehab.

Nothing prepared me for the shock when I saw my atm card was missing from my wallet the other night.

He stole $300 from me and it all went up his arm. He feels like dirt for doing so.

How do I feel? Not sure- not angry , there is no point. I will make him pay me back by doing the painting on house......

This incident has contributed to making me pull back - big time....perhaps it is a good thing in this respect.

I feel optimistic that i can stop wanting him in my life, after this.

I just wish something amazing would happen for me regarding finding work; my decision to spend more time in Ireland......I need a financial windfall. Come on God - I have asked. I may lack a little Faith , but if you do this for me it will restore all faith in you/me.

Oh and , to fall in Love with someone good for me would also be nice, if it is not too much to ask - Thank You.

[chickydoodle]

I am tired of Loving him and receiving so little in return. I no longer view it as giving him the benefit of the doubt - but find being with him demeaning. As soon as he feels ok he tends to fulfill obligations with her and child. He has nothing left over for me. I get the raw end of the stick evrytime; the withdrawal, moods; surliness. I cannot take anyone. God give me the strength to kick him out today. Help me to stay strong in my resolution to do so. Help me to admit that I do not - cannot - Love him anymore.l

I am becoming ungrounded again; stressed. He is not good for me. Just have to find the strength now and courage to really embrace life without him. Logically speaking it should be easier for me- as long as i eliminate the memories of our earlier years together. Must remember he is no longer that person- he is not special in any way- just a spineless, lying , cheating toxic person now- All so v sad as i knew and Loved him as someone better than this.

[chickydoodle]

I am Gaining more and more clarity regarding the need to accept he couldnt Love or want me in the way I need him too.

This morning I was tempted to write her the following letter.

Hi L

Its hard to believe we havent actually met, in spite of all that has happened. Perhaps we never will.

I have been grateful for the opportunity to spend the last 2mths with D as it has helped me to realise a few things.

1. He is incapable of Loving anyone.

2. He will use anyone , foolish enough to fall for his manipulative tactics.

3. He has stolen, lied and broken every promise made to me these past few weeks.

4. I no longer LIKE him let alone Love him.

5. You and he are far better matched than He and I. Both of you are equal in your ability to lie, deceive, manipulative.

6. I no longer believe he is cappable of doing the work required to become a decent functioning human being.

You are welcome to have him back. I do not envy C having him as a Father.

 

So Long and 'thanks for all the fish'

[chickydoodle]

For k June 16th 2012

 

Have you ended your life my dear

A gift that brought you pain and fear

The angels were with you that I know

Taking you gently , guiding you home

I felt your sadness, hurt , despair

Felt you werent beyond repair

But who am I to say whats right

Or when to surrender, when to fight

I pray you are home wherever that may be

And send my Love and light to thee.

[chickydoodle]

Today I would feel only a little pain if he left. I have asked him to. I have tried to communicate how I will not tolerate his putting her before me- always. I have asked him to be honest regarding the level of affection he has for her; his inability to say no to her; my suspicions he is using me; my doubts that he Loves me;

He just goes silent. No effort to talk or work it out.

I have been more than gracious in a situation that would be unendurable for most.

 

Yesterday i hauled out a huge ladder to paint the top window; a job he has promised to do for weeks seeing as he is living rent free with me. There are not many sunny days left to enable outdoor paint jobs. I am terrified of heights. My anger at his inability to cancel an unimportant meeting with her fuelled me to climb the ladder and paint the window myself! It was no small feat and proof I do not need his narcissitic, flawed Love.

I am ready to be strong - for me , not him

 

God help me to sustain this.

[chickydoodle]

Monday.

I tried to end it

He said he didn’t think it was over.

With renewed hope I sanded, painted, weeded, degrouted in continued effort to get the house up to scratch to rent out. Filled with dreams of returning from Ireland to re-unite with him in a few months. Spending our lives together in this adorable little house.

Every bone in my body aches. He slept 16hrs a day as usual, failing to do even the smallest of jobs as promised; and any spare time he had, was spent with her and baby. During this time he scored again and wrote an anguished piece of prose outlining his self loathing; his lapse of morals; his pain for the hurt and pain he has caused loved ones and how it would be a blessing for all if he ended his life. Consumed with worry I rang a detox centre and discussed his state of being. No one will take him ‘cos he is on such high doses of valium, methadone and using H on top of it all. He is at grave risk of overdosing. What can I do? Nothing. He has to help himself now.

 

Last night out of the blue I asked if he thought a comittment to me eg marriage would reveal to her he is serious about us and make her back off. He seemed so detatched, different from Monday , withdrawn after spending several hours with her and child. He was uncommunicative, unresponsive, callous. I managed to squeeze out of him how he fears our RS is ‘totalled’. WoW! So different to what he said on Monday. i wept, asked what more can I do? He was unresponsive. I said you are so cold, callous. He said he felt numbed and would not try and feel while he was being granted this mercy for whatever reason.

 

Now I am in pain again. The ‘end’ seems to always come on days I feel fragile, never on the days I feel I can do this. Does he have an uncanny . manipulative instinct at play here?

I have given him a week to do some jobs then I want him to leave and never contact me again. I never want to see him again. If he doesn’t finish the jobs I shall have to pay someone to do them- even tho’ he owes me so much- financially.

 

I have ‘my tools’ from my 5mths NC while in Ireland. In four weeks I shall board the plane for the long flight home and for the first time it will be knowing there is no hope for us. I may never return to this little house, my garden, my friends, Australia and the bush that I Love so much.

 

She has won this fight; getting therapy on how to salvage her Rs with him; fooling him into believing she has changed and understands him better now; stroking his ego….using th baby to lure him to spend time with her. I never had a chance. His choice.

 

He asked if it would have been better had he not tapped on my window that morning, the morning I decided to allow him back into my life. I said No I do not regret it as the past 6mths enabled me to truly see how hopeless the situation is; that I did all I could- forgiveness, acceptance……..

 

God, I ask that something more rewarding awaits me. I do not feel I deserve this pain. Help me to be strong now and follow the advice I have given so many on this forum. Thy will be done.

[chickydoodle]

July 13th

 

This is it. I just left a message on his phone ( he is spending the day with her and child and not answereing) - saying. 'Its over. I dont Love you anymore. Will leave your stuff at the gate and hope it is enough notice to make alternative sleeing arrangements)

 

I have sensed she is working on him knowing I am leaving. My plan was to leave him with alone time to sort out detox, re-hab,.....etc.....

I asked him this morning what his plans were when I left. He said he didnt know. I then asked what was in his options list.

He said 'maybe the family thing"

 

That f...ing FINISHED ME! I feel so used. There is no one to blame but myself.

 

Now I must do it all again - the whole pain trip.

 

PG may it be easier this time.

PG may he stay out of my life this time.

PG may he go back to her and have a miserable life ever after. Amen

[chickydoodle]

It is day two, of it being over. Is it possible I am feeling relief. OMG have I stopped Loving him, after all this time?

 

His mother's concern was she didnt get one of her dvd's back!!. What a dysfunctional family.

 

Last night I drove around the street while he waited with all his stuff for a lift from the gate. He was still there when i returned. He trotted after me when i got out of the car and said 'hey you have a light gone in the front of the car, want me to fix it?"" He seemed v keen to fix it there and then. I said "No -it doesnt matter', and walked inside.

 

Last night he rang and said

"sorry "for hurting me. what he had said that morning was an "option" rather than a plan and he realised that didnt sound any better.And altho it is probably past the point of no return - He Loves me.

 

I wrote a letter to his parents explaining the difficulties....the reason it ended so abruptly. I didnt want him to spin a victim story in all this. ....No response.

 

I hope this feeling of being strong, continues.

[chickydoodle]

. He rang me. Said he is so low and contemplated suicide but then thought he should use his pain- go out on a limb- contact me, try to rectify it. He said he Loves me and cant live without me. I was blown away. He couldnt understand I cant see that. I expressed my concerns regarding L.

1 That he was leading her on, giving her false hope....and this explains her complete lack of regard for our rship; justifies her behaviour of thinking they should be together at every opportunity with the baby......

or

2. He is too weak to say No to her demands even if it hurts me.

I said either situation is unacceptable.

 

He agreed and admitted to being somewhat guilty of giving her false hope and asked if he tried to rectify it would I have him back.

 

I told him I am feeling strong and it is an opportunity for me to get over him having had an undeurable 5mths.

 

Meanwhile his mother rang in tears. His hurting me so much has hurt her and she cant eat or sleep. I was so touched that she Loves me. She told me D Loves me ( told her so ).

 

In spite of all this...is his Love the kind of Love I deserve?

Can he make the changes required to resolve this mess?

Do I give him one last chance?

 

I feel such relief at the prospect of renting my house to him - even if it is for a lower rent.

 

Damn it, I think I'll break all the rules and go for this.

Our rhip entails:

Co-dependancy.

He has traits of Narcissism, I have traits of depression.

He has cheated and has a baby with another.

She is controlling, wants him and plays subtle , cunning games to wreck our rship.

He is a H addict, dysfunctional and at times suicidal ( my Love being the only thing keeping him alive- yet he cant show Love for me thru actions )

He loves the baby boy and is torn with guilt.

 

Lets see if Love can conquer all this!

[chickydoodle]

Last night he confided in me his difficulty at ending things with her. He is at the point where he feels he should cut her out , even if it means he doesnt see his baby. Says he is worried she will play mind games with me and tell me crap that will "kill us" forever, if he cuts her off dead. This makes me feel there is something really bad he has done or told her about me and he is priming me to accept it.

What the hell could be so bad?

He thinks she may adopt my strategy of all or nothing, and move interstate in the hope he will go after her. He tells me this plan would backfire.

Then in another sentence he said he considers her as a good friend- would like to meet her for a coffee now and again.......This is after painting her as 'the bunny boiler'

 

This morning I felt, I do not have a longing for him anymore.

 

 

 

I mean , he was meant to have ended it months ago and now we are going thru this **** again???

At least my instincts were right that he was stringing her along. When I asked him if he kept a door open with her as a back up plan in case i couldnt handle things, he answered it was partially the reason. The other being he cant communicate or handle her pshcho twisting of everything he says; invalidating everything he says; These dramas are making me anticipate a quiet life with my little kitten ( dreamt about her again last night ).

 

Have I the balls to end this game , now he wants me again ( for suspect reasons ).

Why cant I be honest , that I am not feeling happy about him wanting to start again?