up or down the spiral?

[chickydoodle]

Have just discovered this option. It will be handy for me to read and monitor the progress ( hopefully)I am making. Also it may help me monitor any crazy thought patterns. To be able to view my ramblngs in one go ,may help me to more objectively identify illogical patterns of thinking.

I shall start with the email he sent me 25.11.11 which distrubed me greatly and stirred me in a way I thought I had outgrown.

 

email From him:

''to my mind, the only positive element in not having you in my life is that the fear of losing you has been mostly confronted.

i still carry you inside me.

it was my greatest honour and pleasure to be your man.

i survive only by nullifying my feelings for you.

i failed you and i'm sorry, as i knew i would be.

i hope you are well.

love ''

 

27.11.11 RESPONSE NO.1 - not sent

I will always Love you.

FEELINGS Pain, longing, grief, sadness.

 

 

29.11.11 RESPONSE NO 2. - not sent

I am happy for you that you have simplified the situation to a mere ‘confronting a fear of losing me’. What a load of sh..t. I am happy you have found someone who can collude with this delusion , probably even implanted it, and who can encourage you to rid yourself of this torturous fear. Sounds like you are beginging to truly believe your own lies.

 

Regarding nullifying your feelings – you are quite good at that; You have had 5mths headstart on me -It is something you managed to do while with her, planning to be a father while texting me that ‘you loved me and absoloutely wanted to die as my partner’ . This was last January- remember ? You must be an expert at it at his stage but then I guess you have the help of ‘an old friend’, a crutch I do not have.

You failed me?

I guess I was too demanding

to have expected loyalty, honesty, truth, respect , Love, care, communication after 12yrs of devoting myself to the relationship and sacrificing so much ( more fool I )

You failed yourself and all of humankind.

Now stay the f…k out of my life forever.

 

FEELINGS Low, and worthless even tho' my response is one of anger.

 

30.11.11 RESPONSE No. 3 - not sent

 

You failed me? What an understatement. You abused me, treated me like dirt. Are you ever going to apologise for that night, or even acknowledge it. Is it some terrible secret I have to again keep hidden out of respect and loyalty to you. Do you even remember it? Shall I remind you?. It sums up pretty well the callous, indifferent monster you have become.

Then , it is so utterly pointless communicating with you. Your terminology isnt even the same as I see the influences of her wording, her way of thinking in everything you say now. I guess like you she is a master at deceit so you are well matched in that regard.

 

Why did you feel the need to send me the email - a simple question , the answer to which I feel would highlight so well the narcissist you are.

 

FEELINGS Anger. I never want him to know if I am doing okay. I want him to suffer. It is not so much guilt he will suffer, but the loss of his cosy lfestyle ; being with someone who understood his pain; someone who loved him in spte of his flaws. I hope e feels this loss for the rest of his life. I hope he never gets over me.

 

THAT NIGHT.

 

Having traveled for 30hrs from Ireland, so excited to see you having been promised we were gonna try and work it out. Exhausted, jet lagged I arrived at our little house.

Devastation greeted me, emptiness, as all your belongings had been moved out. I felt bewildered but stil highly excited at the prospect of seeing you in a couple of hrs. I waited, feeling so excited so nervous. I could not resist pouring myself a couple of drinks to ease my nerves.- foolish- as I had taken sleeping tablets on the plane and as I rarely drink.

You were awkward, nervous, detatched. I felt like dying, you were so cold and indifferent. You were aware I was drinking and seemed disgusted and you expressed the need to score H. I insanely said get some for me, who cares if I live or die. You admitted you had been using again , infrequently and had it under control.

You got the H and willingly injected me with some - My first, one and only time. I flaked out, almost died. You callously spent the next hours recording my BloodPressure, Heart Rate......never called an ambulance. When I came to, several hours later, you described with disgust how saliva had trickled from my mouth, how you had to carry me to the sofa where I lay semi conscious for hours. When I asked why you didnt call an ambulance you shrugged it off saying you knew I wanted to die anyway.

You expressed anger that your bro had called one on you years ago and you hadnt been as bad as me!!!!

The next day you left me on my own as SHE hadnt seen you for a while and would be lonely for you!

 

When I told a good friend about it, she felt sick. Told me I was sick. She reprimanded and judged me and wanted an explaination as to why I sank so low. It really hurt me to be judged esp by an ex alcholic/pill popper who I thought would understand my insanity. I needed someone to take me in their arms and be gentle and loving not harsh and critical. You my friend are also someone I must never have in my life again. All the support I gave you; and you fancy yourself as a counsellor.

I know myself. I accepted H while under the influence and unprotected by my beloved. It is not something I ever want to experience again.

I have done crazy things i the past; taken risks which I fancied as adventure. It is an aspect of me no-one understands as I come accross as angelic.

 

I Love who I am

[chickydoodle]

The Irish weather forecast said there would be a feeble sun today, 30.11.11

I pondered this description of the sun and when I caught a glimpse of it while driving, it did indeed look feeble.

But I thought the sun is never feeble. It can become clouded over even with ice-fog at times, but behind all this is a magnificent, radiant force.

I like this analogy.

We are like the sun- never feeble- extremely powerful - just clouded over at times.

And even when clouded over we can create the most amazing vibrant or subtle light patterns that affect any thing we contact.

[chickydoodle]

1.12.11

 

A text from him saying xxx

I could wonder what it means; loves me and misses me and wants me back? Loves me is thinking of me but moving on? Who knows, who cares.

 

“I am tired, Beloved,

of chafing my heart against

the want of you;

of squeezing it into little inkdrops,

And posting it.”

― Amy Lowell

[chickydoodle]

He has sent more texts saying he is thinking of me ; how am I; would I prefer not to hear from him; xxx etc...

He may be checking in that I am still missing him, still Love him...etc. and I have thought of so many answers- games to play etc...but decided HONESTY never fails .

one of the texts from Him 'Did you get my email'

 

Me

Yes.

You have a new life.

Contact = pain.

You had choices. I had none.

You treated me like dirt, so it is hard to respond.

You have more immediate tools at your disposal to 'nullify' your feelings , than I do.

I really dont know what to think, what to say, how to feel.

My heart is in pieces. I just exist minute to minute.

 

It is not giving him any opening and is cold enough- I think.

[chickydoodle]

13.12.11

 

Gone forever, you left your mark

And I couldn’t bear for us to part;

to let go of the familiar, self sacrifice

a vice, for which I paid the price.

I relinquish my role in your soul-less game;

your crazy world and mind insane.

Forgive me my sad delusion,

I Love you – Not

‘twas just an illusion

[chickydoodle]

13.12.11

HE RANG ME - OUT OF THE BLUE TODAY - ON HIS MOBILE FROM AUSTRALIA.

All i could say was Oh my God, over and over. It really threw me. Not sure what to do now. He is not in crisis phase but is in a bad way- v. depressed and unhappy. His habit is bad, at moment and he is unable to take the steps required for detox.

i know he wants to rent my house; wants me in his life.....I recognised his smoochy tone when saying he thinks of me every day and dreams about me and fantasizes about me. I remained detatched. He asked my thoughts on being together again. I said, too much has happened. I have been hurt too much and I could never accept her as an ongoing component in my life. i didnt invite her to be a part of my life.

I wasnt honest enough to say I dont want him in my life. Why? I am not sure. Ego?.....

I admit my mood is lighter and for some twisted reason i felt good after talking to him. But I am aware this is a dangerous time.

I must not have him in my life -I think.

yet - I CANNOT turn my back on him. I would like to help him without destroying myself in the process. And perhaps i am romantically detached enough to do so.

He said he will be happy for the first day in a long time for having spoken to me. What a charmer? is it true?

He would like that I ring or email him. He cannot text me 'cos he has no credit!

I guess there is very little i can do unless he comitts to detox.

I said I would help him find a room to rent somewhere- ask around - as he has no friends and he finds living with her unbearable. However he said he doesnt want to share???? I thought well he cant be that low if he is being picky. Typical NPD -wants an amazing studio/flat all to himself - yet cant afford anything better than a room in a shared house!

He ended the conversation by saying he Loved me and I said the same. I couldnt not say it even tho' i dont know if i do anymore.

I guess it could go as follows:

I'll start thinking about his good points again and allow my heart to open up a little more.

He will sense this or confirm it with some manipulation and feel good about it all - that i dont hate him; he hasnt lost me, and then he will start to pull back from me; start to enjoy his time with her and the baby knowing he has me as a safety net........and on and on it will go.....

Then if i am firm with him and unaccessible, he will idealise me even more and want me more......

 

Perhaps i should not retrun to Australia in February as planned. I managed to conceal my return date from him but unfortunately let him know | had to go back....

Will have to dig deep for guidance.

[chickydoodle]

xmas eve 11.05

 

What a long day- so far!

Am feeling down. Wrapping xmas gifts , not lifting my mood.

In a dilemma of whether to send or not send a txt to ex.

I know he wants me to send a loving message for Xmas. He is struggling and back in the throes of addiction. I know such a txt would lift him out of despair.

I cant do it. What the f.....k can I say after all I've been thru'. Bottom line is if he hasnt got credit to send me a txt. then it is the same old, same old.....

A poem about my kitten might cheer me up. Will work on that.

 

What a nice time to have with you,

as you sit and watch me wrap and brood.

Another ribbon with which to play,

as your little bell has gone astray.

There’s sticky tape, and paper too,

I shall make a toy just for you.

Lets just play little one,

It will make me smile, keep me going.

Its such a shame you can’t see

the colours on the xmas tree.

At least you can smell, and feel and touch

And would know I Love you very,very much.

 

Thank you my darling little blind cat

For never failing to get me through

Such days as these, when I feel blue.

[chickydoodle]

no wonder I m feeling blue.

This time last year I was pining for him. Being without him ruined my first xmas with family for 23yrs!. And meanwhile he was with her, pregnant, and more than likely had Xmas with her in my house! - all , without my knowing.

F....k the Xmas msg this year! Why was I even concerned?

I shall blot him out of my mind and focus on Loving my family, and the kids, my neices and nephews.

[chickydoodle]

Reconciliation - no Hope -another poem

 

[h=1]Reonciliation – no hope[/h]

Everything you’d say and do,

I’d consider a lie, -my only truth.

The shame and guilt of what you’d done

would lower your gaze, cause you to stoop.

Tis folly to think that there is hope

So in this darkness, both hearts broke,

We’ll find a way to soldier on,

endure this life for ever long.

If during this time you acquire some skill

learn the rules, and play to win

then maybe in the next life we shall shine

And re-unite, our hearts entwined.

 

Farewell my dear, embrace your fears

I am strong –and emptied of tears.

 

CD

[chickydoodle]

I feel a mess.

 

I posted some of my story under ‘how do I respond to this email’ some weeks ago.

I haven’t the energy to fill in any more background info – so long and complicated.

 

I may need to post this somewhere to get a reply.

 

I rang him NYE

 

He was emotional. Didn’t speak much at first. Long silences. Then spoke more.

- said it was so sweet to hear my voice and I could feel the affection in his voice.

These are some of the things he said to me:

 

-Said he feels I am his true Love in life.

-That I am incomparable. Nothing has been taken away from me in that regard.

I am the only one he feels connected to, in life.

-He did quite a bit of ‘dirty talk’. Me - very shy and reticent. Then he worried I was getting tips from him for next guy? It did sound like that and it made me laugh..

- Says he deeply regrets what happened….if only he could turn back the clock..

- Says he is being realistic – not idealising- is aware of my flaws and his and that he is has been a bad bf.

- Said his preference is no relationship or one with me.

 

 

 

My follow up email to him:

 

It was good to talk.

It was really good, really nice.

I had had a smoke, and wondered if that was wise but realise I wouldnt have made the call if I hadnt had it - maybe!.

 

Thinking this morning of a couple of questions for you:

 

-How would you feel if she hooked up with someone else now. Would it make you jealous?

-Regarding me or no relationship, as preferred options. Which would you prefer?

 

If we reconciled, I would need :

- For you to have your own place initially- so we could take it slow.

-For you to do work on yourself - to get off H......decrease Methadone.....regular counselling.

-For you to work with me, help me with incorporating Ireland into my life and if I was away for 3-4mths a year I would have to know I could trust you.

- For you to never ask me for money - for anything. At the same time I would like to help you to become more independent re car, finances etc.but it may take some effort from you regarding finding the ideal job etc....

 

What would you need?

 

I always believe your sincerity when talking with you, but in light of what happened I then become filled with doubt / fear.

 

xxx

 

His Response

Background info:

Chance is his son with the girl he cheated with me on named L.

Basically he fell apart when I left for Ireland. Started using again. I didn’t know he was on methadone and couldn’t join me in Ireland for the year. I gave him time and space to work on himself as requested.

She sensed his vulnerability and went in for the kill, desperate for a child. She lied to him regarding contraception; got pregnant………..She loves him.

Both of them in their deception led to incredible hurt and pain for me-mainly and him. She at least got what she wanted – a child.

 

Him:

Regarding L hooking up with someone else, no, it wouldn't be a problem. It's inevitable that she will. I expect that the strongest negative feelings that I would have to deal with would be if he was a c…khead in his relationship with Chance.

As to the other question, I have to say that I am uncertain. I hope you are not of the belief that me not being one-hundred percent signifies an absence of true love. I need to resolve the question of whether I am good for another generally.

The remainder of your message sounds reasonable, and are all things that I consider myself theses days. I will be trying to get there.

I hope this answers some of your questions. I'm a little tired to go deeper at the moment.

It would be nice to see you for a coffee and a talk. A bushwalk would be nice; I know you love the smell of the Australian bush and it would be nice to be in the sun when I xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx(too dirty!)

Would you like to meet when you return?

I hope you are well. Thinking of you. I hope the next month isn't too distressing for you.

Love

d

 

 

My response:

 

Hey Darling

Thanks for your honesty.

Meeting up for coffee? I would like to, in the fact it would signify I have moved on. But I dont know if I am there yet - .

The truth is I would want more

At this stage. I would want to be with you again and would be setting myself up for heartache and disappointment, seeing as you do not want it 100% -for whatever reason-.I respect this.

 

 

I shed tears when I imagine what could have been; the excitement at seeing you at the airport; the sex; movies; little house, being back home and with the one I Love..

 

Yes I would Love to feel your c….k inside me again ,but 'Sex talk' is difficult for me - for many reasons - one being the level of intimacy/trust/light-heartedness entailed -which is hard after all that has happened. I would need so much TLC, comittment.....etc none of which you can give- I understand but I am not going to embark on a 'friends with benefits' situation.- suicidal!.

 

The ideal situation for you to heal and grow would be if you were in a position to be free to do the work on yourself.

I guess the only change in you to date is you know you dont want to be with her .

At least it is a small step towards knowing what you do want.

The next step is to find your own home space .

 

The NYE phone call has set me back as I feared.

I mis-read some of the things you said - sorry.

I am not angry that you do not want to commit to me, just sad..that such a Love as ours cannot be used to enhance both our lives.

 

I am sorry , I shall have to resume No Contact -

 

I hope you find a way to create a life that makes you happy.

 

All my Love

 

 

 

 

,

[chickydoodle]

Oh God, I think I need to hear some replies and now havent the time or energy to post my long complicated story elsewhere.

 

I am in a state of constant weeping.

 

I feel like telling him ok. if it means we live together again; go back as we were, with you paying a token rent, I'l do it.

Anything to have you in my life again - even it it means accepting her , the kid, your habit - .........

 

I cant face Austalia, the house, my life....without you.

 

I dont care if you have problems. I'll help you without expectations. Anything if I can see your face; feel your touch; hear your voice; smell your smell; watch movies with you; go on walks together; share stories; camping - just simple stuff.

 

I dont need you to be the breadwinner-Father-Husband.

 

I just need your company and to trust and believe you Love me.

[chickydoodle]

4.1.12

 

I must remember

 

You are no longer the person I knew and Loved,

What we had has been destroyed

Not by my hand, but one more cruel

Lured you in, made you the fool.

Now when you are high, distant and cold

A chilling veil doth thou enfold.

When you are low, fragile and lost

'tis me you crave, your angel host.

And my sad Love, eternal and true

Must never again join life with you.

CD-

[chickydoodle]

I have felt good these past few days and feel like I am moving on- Felt more positive. I think the January moon was quite powerful - I have noticed my sensitivity in the past ties in with Lunar stages.

I had fun skyping a fellow from onlne dating. I was so nervous. Babbled nervously. Didnt realise I had the overhead lamp shining down on my face until he mentioned he felt like he was being interrogated by CIA with me sitting under fluoro light, arms folded, firing questions at him-......so embarrassing - not to mention how it would have highlighted eye bags, wrinkles...etc esp as I had been crying that day. I liked him...It lifted my spirits enormously.

 

I was about to post a thread asking for advice on how to respond when back in OZ , if I bump into him ( D ), her and baby.......or if he knocks on my door.....then I get this txt - uncanny really

Hey darling. How are you? Very tired. Heaviest rain all day. I'm thinking its 50/50 i'll be moving into a motel room in ............. for 190pw. if i dont miss out, or detox/rehab, long term. 3 to 6 mths. Hope youre ok. Thinking of you. LOVE. XX

 

Made me so sad for him but I realise I do not know and will never know what is really going on.

 

It is like he needs my praise or something......?

 

My Response

: Good Luck. It is great you are taking control. Once you do your bit the Universe will send you all you need.X

[chickydoodle]

Next text from him:

Its ok if you say no , but would you visit me at reahab or motel? Are you okay? Do you need to be picked up from the airport or anything?

 

Me: Motel?

 

 

I have a feeling rehab is not on the cards but we shall see. Prob all pie in the sky. I must be strong when I retrun and not get involved in any way unless he is taking steps to help himself. I do not owe him my unconditional Love . I have within easy reach many reminders of his insanity. I must continue to remind myself.

 

It is nice tho' that he still Loves me . But then is it real Love.......All so emtionally exhausting. Today I think I would walk away. So true the saying be careful of what you want.....

Sometimes I do think ours is TRUE LOVE and will prevail thru' many mad bizarre twists. I dont get the feeling it is a poison even tho' on paper it appears to be so.

So hard to read the signs.

Was his cheating, the little kitten being placed in my path,......the Universe looking out for me?- forcing me to make a decision to stay in Ireland?. Are the Angels tired of sending things my way to lure me away from him?

I need more sweet angels....just another sign or two- nothing big, nothing nasty ♥

[chickydoodle]

His txt today

How are you sweetness. Want me to ring you now.?

 

He has ignored my email requesting NC. He is texting as if nothing has happened in the last year? I am really not preapared for this- what I want- how to communicate anything with him really. Its all v strange. Dont know what way to play it. I am torn between family / kitten ...love , support in Ireland or friends, house garden, him in Aus ( Love there too but different). I cant be in 2 places at once. I hate Ireland to live in- no wildlife, nature within easy access......oh what to do....so v tired.....

[chickydoodle]

The long flight is looming closer. I feel numb. People at work keep saying how lucky I am; asking if I am excited, have I packed?

I do not want to talk about it. Does this mean I should not be going?

I must not allow panic and fear to take hold.

It does not have to be an all or nothing decision yet. If I was wealthy it would not be an issue. The struggle to find work there, and then here is challenging. I hate instability. I hate having to sell myself esp when I hate my career. I guess Ireland offers me an opportunity to opt out of my profession and paint instead of grafting to cope with mortage and bills,with little support, the other end of the world. In Ireland I could do a minimal amount of work for the family business; work one day a week in my profession then just paint.......

also

Should I be sending him an email at this stage along the lines of:

I know you are excited about my iminent return for whatever reason. However, I am learning to live without you and need to be allowed to continue this experience. For this reason ( for my healing and self growth) it is important that there is no contact......blah blah..

 

The truth is, I would like to see him; have his company to go treking,camping, coffees, movies, conversations.......

 

Am I healed enough to have the friendship?

Small steps. 1.Get thru' the flight 2. enjoy the lift in limousine ( my treat in lieu of travel insurance!!) 3. sleep. 4. then be in the moment and trust good things are coming my way.

[chickydoodle]

Wish I could interpret it. Am too lazy to write it down ; so much imagery and symbolism. Suffice to say, the over-riding feeling was one of terror.

My mother called for me to wake up. She sounded terrified. - said I was keening like an animal. I at that stage was trying to call for help but as usual i couldnt project my voice , but I remember being determined to , in this dream.

 

Also the unusual aspect of it was, I was screaming to another person in the dream which could only have been myself, my name.... ( usually it is another). Susannne...Susannne....Susanne...

 

My interpretation of its meaning.

- Not to seek comfort in the familiar. Keep moving forwards.

-To have less fear , more faith in my ability to attract what is right for me. If I allow myself to be swayed by people not of this world, i shall no longer have self to call upon - will be lost forever. must restore my connection with my power that lies within.

- Cruelty, insensitivity is all around. I must find an ability to see God in 'the profane and the profound' - have Faith. Accept there is a reason for it all.

[chickydoodle]

He rang me. I answered finally. I was cold, unresponsive. He was testing the waters, excited about my return to Aus soon. He soon became deflated as I expressed my lack of joy at returning. We kept getting cut off. He seemed angry that I pointed out there is no point in meeting him. I have learned to live without him. Aus is a source of traumatic memories for me now. Got cut off. He sent me a text said ' got cut off. Okay. Good Luck. Goodbye XX.'

me: Sorry I have nothing left to give you. Take Care.

 

and I have just sent an email:

I had wanted to send an email earlier but could not find the right words to say.

I hope you can understand how traumatic it is for me to be returning to Aus.

I think if I last a month, surrounded by the haunting memories and delusion of what I thought we had, what I thought you were, I shall be doing well.

I am learning to live without my delusion.

I am alone, always have been , always will be.

I do not want to see or hear from you - as I never want to revisit that pain again.

 

You chose her over me, Let her help you now.

 

Goodbye, and Take care

 

x

 

[chickydoodle]

NEGATIVITY AT ITS BEST: I SHALL INDULGE

 

Soon I start my 32hr trek to Sydney, the endless shuffling thru' terminals and waiting around.

Hope I'm not seated beside a talker! I shall have to be rude. My last seating partner was a spiritualist/medium - very interesting. I'll hardly have luck a second time.

I cant find many nicorette. At least I have 2 x patches and this time i shall have them open rather than tring to borrow a scissors from an airport cafe! Of course t is an opportunity to quit smoking , such a dreadful habit which have resumed of late.

I am anxious about what awaits. He - who i now regard as a master manipulator and liar. My friends who all want a piece of me ( can never understand why my company is in such demand). I feel spent. Have nothing left to give anyone.

Really I just want to return to bed and cover my head. Snuggle with my little kittykat. She knows i'm leaving. My mom says she couldnt possibly know but i know she knows. She has retired to her little igloo- not playing as she usually does.

I hope i get the window seat as planned. I hope my air pillow does not deflate like last time....so frustrating...

God let it be good - pleeeease

[chickydoodle]

Well my negativity regarding the long flight back ensured it would be relatively good.

I enjoyed my seating partners, the terminals, people watching. It was good to connect with life outside my small world of pain, as an observer.

The house is musty and damp; the garden a jungle.

I had been strong in choosing not to associate him with my sorroundings. I had been enjoying the frogs, my possum, the birds, the bush, my friends.......until

at 5am. sunday morning, there was a tap on my window. He appeared ( the stuff my dreams have been about - dreaming he was beside me in bed......) My heart soared. He said 'hey' wanna share a cigarette? I let him in. He asked for a hug. It was passionate, strong. We kissed intensely, deeply....i started to sob...he kissed my tears...i then pushed him away. He threw me on the bench to f me but stopped himself- he was shaking with desire - apologised.

We had a cigarette , a brief chat....he held my hand....apologised for calling around, ignoring my request to not see or hear from him. He had to hurry off 'cos working and she is keeping tabs on his every movement. He wondered what excuse he could give her for being late back. He said she wants a relationship or else he should not live with her. He said it is peaceful with her at the moment- she is not giving him a hard time and the type of situation he could settle into- carer for the child-so it is important he leaves before settling into complacency. I asked if he has had sex with her ( cos he refers to her as a flatmate). He said no and that she has no desire 'cos he has crushed her self esteem by not desiring her.

I have to assume this is a lie. I have to assume everything he tells me is a lie.

I feel he would like to get back into this house. I must never allow this, as advised by a friend 'cos when i am in Ireland , she will prob be here in my house with him , like before....and they may feel entitled to taking me to court to claim it. He could technically with a lot of expense claim the rights to half. I am hoping he wont stoop so low and have a few tricks up my sleeve if he does.

It was beautiful to have had 30minutes with him , in the magical hours of early morning.

He said he would ring me in a few hours so we could talk. He never did.

For the rest of the day and the following day, I pined; felt intense pain at being apart. Today I feel a little stronger again, or rather, resigned to my grief, my pain.

[chickydoodle]

spun out

 

This morning he brought his baby boy with him to see me. I held it, a beautiful boy. ( Doesnt look like him, incidentally). I felt tenderness for it -I was stunned to think he could not make a go of things with her for the sake of this beauatiful child.

Is it his Love for me or just his inability to connect with such things....

All so strange now-

I respected the fact she may flip out if she thought I was holding their baby - so I didnt prolong the moment.

I Love my ex. My heart filled with tenderness for him also; this odd , beautiful, fragile young man who thinks and behaves unlike we are supposed to. He is so unable to deal with emotions, drama, complications. He lives in the moment and hates being forced to deal with the future. He does know he doesnt want a RS with her....but cannot act on it. Deadlines have come and go to tell her this and he has started to dip in again , unable to deal with her interrogations.......

 

To think I posted here , asking for advice on what to do if i ran into him, her and baby on the street!

Where is this journey taking us all? Will it end up as the situation i thought months ago i could not handle. Me with him and baby at times and her as the mother/friend???? .

[chickydoodle]

'All the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players'

 

Just met him for coffee. She rang twice in our brief half hour together. He had just scored H and was fidgety, twitchy, unable to make eye contact - all the symptons of not having had quite enough. What a horrible life he has created for himself. Controlled by her; too weak and impoverished financially to leave her even tho' he has found the strength to tell her he doesnt Love her ( so he says).

He is wondering how he's gonna tell her I am his friend......

He brought baby around again this am. Its getting to know me and is gorgeous.

I could see D looking at us both wishing it was ours not hers and his!

I feel sad he is no longer the person i once knew.....such a junkie now.....Was he always like this?. I actually really dont think so. He had more integrity; was less anxious, more relaxed. We were v compatible and connected really well.

I cant connect with him much now - in this altered state. Why am I so teary?

I could respect him more if he ended the charade with her, at least.

But then he says he doesnt want me to be blamed for his moving out which is likely. I shall be considered the instigator, the ruination of their Rs ,by all; his family, her family, her........

Will anyone ever know the truth- that I have done NC for months but he has continued to send txts of Love.....initated contact when i returned......

 

I hope my little possum visits tonite- so lonely.....

[chickydoodle]

Loneliness

 

A painful longing for something other

than the loving company of another.

For those who care, and hold one dear

cannot fill a void of Fear.

Oh restless mind, what dost thou seek?

Is it stillness, so soul can speak?

and guide you to blue skies above

this dense dark cloud of lost self Love.

 

[chickydoodle]

17th march 2012

 

Old wounds re-opened that they might weep

By deft hands that cut too deep

Should this gift of life bequeathed to me

Be sacrificed for one who cannot feel

Father I ask that you restore my sight

Save me please from my terrible plight

For I alone cannot resist,

this Love of his that will insist

[chickydoodle]

I guess i will never understand this man. He is unconventional that is for sure. I feel good today after talking with him and strong enough to handle things. I feel sure he does not Love her or want her in his life. With this knowledge I can give things a go; help him aim for re-hab and accept whatever outcome befalls us after that long haul. I shall be in Ireland anyway.....

I do believe he wil be stronger than most addicts at abstaining once he does the hard yards.

It takes a certain kind of strength to be an addict; living with self-hate, guilt......regrets.....a pain that is far greater than detox. I think I have managed to make him see this....hopefully.

One day I may give up on him But not just yet.

The darkness has dissipated so perhaps i am delusional again - or strong? Anyway- feeling good- long may it last!