not happy with myself

[t89]

Ok well I am going to start off by saying my boyfriend( we will call him G) and I have been friends for 8 years, he has always had a crush on me but never admitted it until this year. I could tell he did but I was not into him more than a friend... one bit! This year we started hanging out, to me it was just as friends but i guess to him it meant something more..We hung out one night, we both were drunk and he kissed me. First thing that came to my mind was I can not do this because I didn't want our friendship to be ruined, so i left. I ended up going to this guys house who i was already hooking up with... and well we hooked up. The next day that guy and I had our last conversation and I decided to cut things off with him. I stopped talking to him. G and i then started talking and hanging out every day... we then hooked up. After him and I hooked up, I really had no idea where it would lead to. Well it ended up to us falling in love...

 

A few months passed and one night he was drunk and started asking me all these questions from my past.. I was truthful. He made me feel like complete * * * * about myself. I already regret my past mistakes and the guys I have dated but I got over it. Now with him throwing it all in my face i feel horrible. I feel like I don't deserve anything. He has a past himself- just like most of us do but i never ask him about his because i don't want to know. He knows pretty much everything but there are a few other things that I have not told him. I am scared to. I ended up lying to him which i feel bad about, but i already know if i told him he would flip and throw it in my face. He asked if i ever been pregnant and without even thinking my reaction was " no, do you want me to take a test?"... which i have been pregnant.. i had an abortion with my ex. I hate lying, but if i were to tell him he would just make me feel like crap about myself especially since he doesn't like the ethnicity my ex was which was arabic.. I also now tend to beat around the bush. He asked if someone i had dated was my ex i go no he wasn't really my b.f he goes so it didn't go any farther than that and i responded with " you act as if he was my b.f and we hung out all the time.. we barely hung out".. I am not sure if he wanted to know how far we went as in sexual stuff or what... but i now feel like i lied to him about that?

 

Idk.. i just feel horrible about myself. He does know about what happened the night after he kissed me and i left and went to the other guys house. We got in a huge argument, especially bc he was drunk and the next day he was apologizing. ..I just regret it so much, i KNOW we weren't together and i KNOW i didn't even like him more than a friend at the time.. so why do i feel as if i cheated on him?

 

I just don't know how to get over the things i regret in my life. I was stupid and fell for anything any guy told me. I have slept with 6 people and i am very ashamed of that. I feel disgusted with myself and that i don't deserve to be happy. I made out with people who i would NEVER think about kissing now, and I almost had sex with someone but it didn't happen. I was such a dumb insecure teen..and i am still insecure and i like to have a b.f. but i always get screwed over with guys. and it now haunts me. Idk what to do. I also feel like i am lying by not wanting to tell things to my bf.. but it's bc how he reacts to it and then later throws it in my face. I want to concentrate on what happens between him and i from the day we made it "official" not what happened before us.. I am depressed, and just am disgusted with myself no idea how to just be happy anymore

[somethngwrng]

Did he actually say anything to make you feel bad about your past or did he just ask about it? If he purposefully made you feel bad about it, that's not right. But if it's your own guilt that you're dealing with, perhaps you could talk to him about it.