Thorshammer Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 bust this thor, even 3 days go when she ripped me a new one she said she would like to catch a light lunch after hoildays. how would you play that? I wouldnt care. Like raaawr said, it could be guilt. I would cancel or change the date for the meet up if it ever does happen. Then just chill with her like you dont care. If she brings up how you behaved, just laugh and say you were going through things that didnt concern her, and it was just messing you up in general. I wouldnt put faith in her or in the situation. You need healing bad. I cant even give you advice on getting her back because that advice always has a big chance of messing up, or disappointing you if it fails, which can stunt your healing. Plus, unless you man-up and get stronger, you will just be playing at deception, and it will blow up again in the future anyway. I dont think you have the will-power to keep going for it because you will be bluffing, not setting up for change. At least not right now in your present state. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbug Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 thanks for the honesty thor, i have a lot of respect for yo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liraele Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Are you improved? Or the second she throws you a bone, are you going to cower and beg for another chance? If you are confident that you can BE strong and confident regardless of what she says or does, then yes. It doesn't sound like you're there yet. Tell her you're busy until after the first of the year and bust your butt to restore your self-esteem and the man she fell in love with. Don't drop everything to make plans with her... yadda. (lol, he always beats me to it.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbug Posted November 29, 2011 Author Share Posted November 29, 2011 thanks liraele. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Thank you for sharing your story. You have given a lot of good advice with an excellant side to your other relationships you have had. But does the pain ever go away? People say you will always have that person in your heart, does that mean the pain will not be there? Well, i became cold and really bitter after all my experiences. I used to be really negative, and i believed every woman was just trying to play games. I used to go on dates, and if someone did anything that reminded me of an ex, or anything i didnt like, i would walk out of the date. I became a real cold jerk. I think what made it worse was that I couldnt be alone, and not being alone means i replaced. I didnt learn anything. I moved to the next one, and the next one, and the next one. But with them, i didnt know real love until my last ex. It stings a bit, but my experiences with all these women, robbed a bit of the prolonging grief I used to feel after a BU (and SHE was the one that mattered). This was my longest at 3 years, so I dont know how it will continue to work at me, i know right now I am fine, only when i have a set-back in life do i think about her a bit. But i doubt i will stay stuck on her, i cant stay stuck on someone who dumped me and rejected me, that just doesnt compute to me after all these years of dating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Wormold Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 will this pain ever go away. i miss her so much, i miss her smile. I have a question about pain and was wondering if anyone could help me. Lately it has been in waves - the welcome numbness and nothingness of no real emotion - like yesterday when I posted a whole lot of blah blah here on the board about feeling relieved, getting closure and moving on and so on. Today her face was crystal clear in my mind again, those eyes that smile. My heart was heavy and I felt as grey and as dark as this N European winter (not from here). Pervading sense of emptiness. Occasionally I catch myself feeling a tinge of hope, but then I have to remind myself how little there is to go on and that I am probably just going through the motions - smiling at people, cracking reasonably ok jokes, but secretly dead inside. (I messed up good by neglecting her in out last month of what was at that time a LDR of 8 months (17 in total). She ended it 3 months ago. I really love her.) The pain doesnt feel as raw as a few weeks ago and I definitely feel confident enough to talk to her, should that ever happen (haha) - not even counting on that though. But my question is - if these "I'm ok highs" and dull ache lows come in waves - how far am I in the healing process? Is a dead grey nothingness a good sign? Would be really grateful.... Please please dont reply with a "she is gone" comment. I just want to understand where I am at now.....thanks! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhowe Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Healing from a break up is not a linear progression -- the waves, the lower highs, and higher lows --- are all part of the process. Grey is fine for now --- it beats the bloody red hurt and pain that comes at the beginning. After gray comes the "green" of acceptance....good luck on the journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Wormold Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 Healing from a break up is not a linear progression -- the waves, the lower highs, and higher lows --- are all part of the process. Grey is fine for now --- it beats the bloody red hurt and pain that comes at the beginning. After gray comes the "green" of acceptance....good luck on the journey. Thanks - I appreciate that. It helps. jbug - sorry to hijack your thread...I know this sounds lame when we are all in the same boat, but hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angler Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 she would like to catch a light lunch after hoildays. how would you play that? How would I play it? I would do absolutely nothing. She might call, she might not, but if she does, you won't be available for lunch on her first offer. Right? And, you can't call her asking for "that lunch she promised". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted November 29, 2011 Share Posted November 29, 2011 thanks for the honesty thor, i have a lot of respect for yo. No prob. Keep ya head up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
capjack Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 But my question is - if these "I'm ok highs" and dull ache lows come in waves - how far am I in the healing process? Is a dead grey nothingness a good sign? Would be really grateful.... Please please dont reply with a "she is gone" comment. I just want to understand where I am at now.....thanks! I am recently divorced, a little over a year ago. It was the end of a 17 year marriage, my ex-wife cheated. It was devastating. I found out about her affairs back in the summer of 2009. It took me about 20 months to really get to a place of healing, where 90% of my days were great or good. It was not until I met my current gf or should I say ex gf. that I really was feeling good 100% of the time. I will tell you that up until my Ex GF broke up with me, there were certain songs I could play that would bring up those feelings of lose and despair about my ex-wife. I no longer can feel those feelings for her because I now have those feelings for my ex gf. I am not saying that you have to go out and get another GF and then have them break up with you but rather it is a combination of moving on and meeting someone else that you care about deeply and who knows they might even be better than your Ex. Get out there and date not with the express purpose of finding your next girlfriend but rather have fun, enjoy life again. Cheers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Wormold Posted November 30, 2011 Share Posted November 30, 2011 Hi Capjack, Thanks for taking the time to write to me and tell me of your experiences. Sorry to read of your great losses. When you suggest dating - how exactly would you define that? Keeping it purely like friends (which surely cannot be dating, because dating at least involves flirting) or taking things further, yet stopping short of a relationship? Dont they get hurt? I am asking because a female friend was telling me how she would go through all these guys over a process of two or more years, telling each one beforehand they were not "the one" but just for fun - ie. just for sex. The guys were usually shocked but enjoyed things nevertheless. I suspect though that those guys also got hurt in the process... because someone at some point in time wants more than the other (she is very attractive). Importantly - she did find her one and waited for him for two whole years because he was too hurt at being the rebound in a previous relationship and happened to see one those "temporary guys" hanging on to her side ... Finally, through fluke they got talking and the walls came down. They now have two kids and are happily married. This is all at a theoretical level still for me as I couldnt imagine dating now, but I do wonder how long my system will keep on reworking the pain and disappointment with myself and what I have to do to smash this loop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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