does it get worse before it gets better?

[Grace696]

starry, I can really relate to your post.

 

I'm 1 week into my second breakup with the same man. The last breakup lasted 5 months, and for me it definitely got worse before it got better. The first month was bearable and then the next 2, at least, were really bad. I too was worried I was slipping into major depression - I've never felt like that before. I seriously considered taking antidepressants, when I've always been fairly philosophically opposed to them.

 

What got me out of this phase was just continuing to put one foot in front of the other and live moment to moment. Living in the moment. similar to mindfulness, really does help in these situations. You can do this by really focusing on your surroundings, saying the names of things as you look at them, concentrating on what you can hear and see and smell. We can always get through the moment, so if we concentrate on each moment, we move forward by the stringing together of these moments when we are ok. (I hope this makes sense!)

 

When we were back together, and I looked back on this phase of pain, I was struck by how critical I'd been of myself for being in such a state, and how the expectations I put on myself for how I should be coping were really not helping. You've suffered a huge loss. Of course it is going to be really, really hard. Be as kind as you can to yourself, know that you WILL get through this, no matter how long it takes (I promise you), and keep putting one foot in front of the other. And though it feels like forever, when you look back later, it doesn't really seem like that long.

 

Are you seeing a counselor? I found CBT therapy very helpful. My therapist suggested I have a daily mourning period where I spent 30 minutes thinking about him and crying, with the idea being that the rest of the time if it came up I would tell myself to save it for the mourning period and hence be able to function. Other things I found helpful were guided meditations on youtube - there are some specifically for healing - and a healing journal. The book 'Getting Past Your Breakup' also had some good things, including doing colouring-in when it all gets too painful (this sounds dumb, I know, and when I was doing it I once again was judgementally calling myself a loser for doing colouring-in as an adult, but it was actually quite soothing after all).

 

Also, you mentioned that you thought your ex would have contacted you because you always thought he was caring. I had the same thing. But I think we have to appreciate that they are being kinder in staying away. When my ex came back he said that he always wanted to contact me, but that it would have been more cruel to send mixed messages.

 

Good luck, starry. I'm back on the same path now the love of my life has broken up with me again, and I dread the next few months. I know what it is like. And I trust it will get better, for all of us.

[starrysky]

Thanks so much for your advice grace. I am sorry you are now experiencing this again with the same person.

 

I have been to the doctor and have had my name down for counseling for a while now but have not got word yet of when that may be (i must enquire about this). Things is I was diagnosed with depression 5 years ago and have been on tablets ever since, so scary when i think about how long that is. I have had cbt before and seen quite a few counselors. My depression has not been continuous, more on and off, but when i have wanted to try and come off the ADs I have always been told its too soon. Anyway, sidetracking! Even though I am prone to bouts of depression, I know that what i'm feeling is depression because i have had my heart broken. Circumstantial if you like. But honestly I can say this is the worst I have ever felt in my whole life, and that's saying a lot.

 

That is a good idea of limiting the time to thinking about the ex everyday and something which i think i shall try, even though i imagine it to be very hard. I have been reading and re-reading that susan elliot book 'getting past your BU' and have found it helpful. I am trying to do the positive affirmations everyday in order to build up my self-esteem. Do you have any experience of this? Sometimes i wonder if it will really make a difference but have been doing this for about a month now. Im also going to try some of the other exercises it mentions. I have also been following susan anderson's book 'from abandonment to healing'.

 

I just find this cycling through emotions harder than anything. I never know what stage i am in, if i feel rage one minute i am crying the next and the next minute i may get the tiniest hint of hope. It's incredibly tiring being in a constant state of flux. And I can't get my head around the fact that i generally feel much, MUCH worse 3 months later. I guess I have to let this run its course....

[AnnaN]

I am tired of everything. All these emotional cycles, now emotions can change every few minutes, not days like before.

And there is always something I do for the first time without him and it makes me feel worse.

I had a trip by plane and I remembered the last time I was on a plane, 2 months before BU that we did some traveling. I also thought of our next during Christmas that will never happen. And when I landed I didn't call him for the first time, it was the first thing I was doing when I was traveling alone.

 

I never know what will come up and make me feel desperate and sad in a minute...

[starrysky]

I know what u mean, you have to move on and continue to live your life as best as possible but you wish so bad you could still be sharing this life with them. So much has happened that i wish i could tell my ex about. I guess we are just getting used to doing things simply for ourselves, and hopefully one day that will be enough to bring us joy.

[RastaPasta]

I understand all too well the cyclical nature of the grieving process. You go back and forth wondering if you are making any progress. This has been my second major break-up the last one took me a year to completely get over and it was a rough year. I promised myself that I wouldn't mope around and be anti-social like last time. I was on top of the world last week, this week I keep questioning myself and alas holding a pity party. It is hard but you're grieving because you have a soul, you should be concerned if you weren't grieving. I have been NC for a solid month and I hope to continue through until I heal. I still wonder if he would contact me, but I imagine myself turning him down if he did.

[utopie]

starry, I can really relate to your post.

 

I'm 1 week into my second breakup with the same man. The last breakup lasted 5 months, and for me it definitely got worse before it got better.

 

Did you stay in contact with him after your BU? Why did you guys BU if you don't mind me asking?

[utopie]

And hugs to you too starrysky. We are all good people here. At least I'm trying to see myself as a good person but I don't know why I feel now that the BU was all my fault, that I took him too much for granted, that I took his love for granted and let the routine ruin it. My friends tell me I'm crazy to think this way but for now I have a heard time not seeing it this way.

[Grace696]

starry, I'm sorry to hear that depression has been an off-and-on issue for you. That must make situations like heartbreak even more difficult, worrying that it might spark it up again. I have gotten great relief and help from counseling, so perhaps it would be good for you to follow this up. In the really hard times it can provide a sort of anchor to the week, something to look forward to when you can be as miserable as you feel with someone, without worrying that you are being a burden (this is one thing it offers me, anyway).

 

It sounds like you're being proactive in your healing, and reading books and doing exercises, which is great. You'll get there in the end! All of these things are helping to process the loss. I haven't tried the affirmations myself, but others have found them very helpful.

 

And the cycling of emotions is also part of the processing, I guess. It is tiring, so be even kinder to yourself, and don't expect much of yourself otherwise. As another poster on here used to say, you just have to ride the wave, and know that this too will pass.

 

 

 

Hi utopia - thanks for your interest. I don't want to hijack starry's thread, so here is a link to the thread I posted just after he broke up with me last week:

 

 

 

To sum it up very briefly: he broke up for me both times for the same reason, which is that even though we had been very happy for many years he had developed doubts about committing to the long term, couldn't get rid of the doubts, didn't really know what they were about and wasn't able to articulate them, and felt it was fairer to me to not string me along while he couldn't decide what to do. When he came back, he said he believed he had made a mistake, and had resolved the doubts, but he hadn't actually done anything to address them at all, so surprise surprise the doubts came back.

 

You can search under my name for the threads I wrote when we got back together - I can't face looking at them again right now myself!