3rd time I go on first date and man "forgets" wallet!!!!!

[lady00]

I disagreed that this has anything to do with whether the guy can afford to eat at a restaurant - this only has to do with the guy in question lacking basic manners. She definitely should protect herself as lavenderdove suggested.

 

OK -- that's where I was confused. I wasn't talking about a guy being able to afford a restaurant or not. Thanks for clarifying.

[ut804]

blah im still upset.

 

I never thought about asking for separate checks, thats a good idea. But is that weird to ask for a separate check?

 

Everyone mentions coffee for first date. I don't like coffee, but maybe I can get a hot chocolate or something.

 

I am in no way letting this happen to me for a 4th time!!!!! I will lie and say I only have money for my portion. No way would I let that happen again. let him sit there and figure out how to get the money then.

 

arggg

[Batya33]

If he offers to pay you back and seems sincere then I would treat if you are interested in seeing him again but otherwise I agree.

[Generation]

Looks like the Red Flagged Army's in town.

Too long to read the entire thing, but I'll just say this much.

 

A man NEVER forgets his wallet. Ask your father when was the last time he left his wallet at home. Ask your son when was the last time he left his wallet at home. Ask your uncle, your teacher, your mailman, your neighbor, your best male friend. They will either remember exactly when it was because they were screwed that day, or they will say never.

 

These guys know what's up. They're either testing you (in a very low way) or they're cheap, or whatever.

[Batya33]

Looks like the Red Flagged Army's in town.

Too long to read the entire thing, but I'll just say this much.

 

A man NEVER forgets his wallet. Ask your father when was the last time he left his wallet at home. Ask your son when was the last time he left his wallet at home. Ask your uncle, your teacher, your mailman, your neighbor, your best male friend. They will either remember exactly when it was because they were screwed that day, or they will say never.

 

These guys know what's up. They're either testing you (in a very low way) or they're cheap, or whatever.

 

It happened to me twice. Both times the man was very generous and not just with money but in general and both times they were embarrassed and wanted to pay me back . I married one of them.

[Brightest Dark]

Employers know that we can't get pregnant, so they won't have to pay us while we can't work; also, we're much less likely to quit our job in order to raise children. As such, they've all secretly agreed to pay us more.

 

But how about people like me who hate kids and never want any? Can't I just get paid $200 more just for that reason!? LOL. Seriously... I hate kids with a passion and am never going to have any - I'm not going to quit a job to have them. Thinking that all females are going to have kids and quit is crazy.

 

OP - I hate coffee too (and tea). Actually, I hate most things, haha. But seriously, I'd do the hot chocolate (if it had soya milk as I don't drink cow's milk either). Personally I've never been out for a first date and actually gone for a meal. Although I don't date much anyway. But usually it's to a pub for a drink, or for a walk around the town/mall, or to a concert. It's never anywhere where I'm expecting the guy to pay loads of money, and it's thankfully somewhere I won't get ripped off either.

[Batya33]

Because you might need the benefit of family leave in order to care for ailing parents or a sibling, for example. If you hate children and never want any you're free to share that with a future employer although I don't think they're allowed to ask you that.

[browneyedgirl36]

I always bring cash -- at least enough to pay for myself, if not more -- on a first date just in CASE something like this happens. I think that on a first meet-up with someone, it's best to keep it cheap -- coffee or dessert or something -- and be prepared to pay for your own (in fact, I think I'd feel more comfortable paying for myself if I've just met the guy). I have nothing against paying for myself on a date -- or even paying for both of us -- but if a guy I'd never met before met me for a $70 meal and didn't even offer to pay for his half (or claimed to have "forgotten" his wallet -- yeah, right) I'd be a bit disgruntled. I make more than enough to pay for my own meals, and I'm fine with it, but some people -- guys and gals -- can be a bit dodgy when it comes to paying their fair share (I have a million stories about friends, roommates, etc. "forgetting" their wallets, realizing they didn't have quite enough to cover their own dinners, etc.) and I am a bit suspicious of these "I forgot my wallet" stories.

 

On my first date with my last ex, I brought like $200 -- enough to cover both of our meals and drinks plus a cab ride home (he had picked me up at my house because we already knew each other prior to the date) JUST IN CASE he turned out to be a psycho or a jerk and I had to duck out and get a cab home. He somehow sensed that, because a couple of years later, when we were out for dinner one night, he said, "I'll bet you ALWAYS have extra cash on you on a date. In fact, you've probably got a couple hundred in your purse RIGHT NOW." I didn't, but...it was funny that he figured out that, at least initially when I met him, I took a wad of cash on every date.

[Lonewing]

blah im still upset.

 

I never thought about asking for separate checks, thats a good idea. But is that weird to ask for a separate check?

 

Everyone mentions coffee for first date. I don't like coffee, but maybe I can get a hot chocolate or something.

 

I am in no way letting this happen to me for a 4th time!!!!! I will lie and say I only have money for my portion. No way would I let that happen again. Let him sit there and figure out how to get the money then.

 

arggg

 

Yes, separate checks are weird, because we don't do them, at least, not often.

 

Your plan to leave him sitting there is no good. You may even be criminally negligent, becasue you were a party of two. Bad darma - just stay away from these sorts of confrontations.

 

It's best if you simply DON'T do dinner or anything above $20 COMBINED as a first date. If you are not prepared to pay for the FULL date yourself, no questions asked, no feelings hurt, then it is NOT good first date material. It's TOO expensive. If you can swallow paying for it all yourself, OK, then THAT is GOOD first date material!

 

This is how us men have to plan our dates - we don't go into them thinking "She's going to pay for it" or "I'm paying at least half." We go in expecting "I'm paying for this, no quesitons asked." You women should be planning likewise! NOT "he's paying for this" or "I'll meet him halfway." If either is your plan or even expectation, well, you're as guilty as any man or woman is who is running this game. ESPECIALLY on a first date!!!

 

All around, make sure it's a date where the check is paid before you sit down and finish whatever it is. It removes that issue from the equation altogether. If you order together and he forgets his wallet [that might be something you want to keep doing, ordering together!!] then you can use that to eliminate the pool. And you're only out $5-$10 bucks, unless you expected him to pay the whole thing!

 

Any of you planning on him paying the whole thing like this and planning on it being an expensive date [you ALL have the ability to google restaurants, look up menus, and make judgement calls on affordability!] are really two shoes in the hole for getting what you give...No sympathy!!

 

Otherwise, no complaining about the bill!

[Blue Spiral]

Thinking that all females are going to have kids and quit is crazy.

 

Most women have kids. Most women have jobs. Unless they're being solely supported by their husband--which is getting increasingly rare/impossible--they're going to require time off when they get pregnant. Employers are legally required to offer parenthood leave (or whatever it's called), but that hasn't stopped them from valuing men (particularly single/childless men) over women.

[Lonewing]

Most women have kids. Most women have jobs. Unless they're being solely supported by their husband--which is getting increasingly rare/impossible--they're going to require time off when they get pregnant. Employers are legally required to offer parenthood leave (or whatever it's called), but that hasn't stopped them from valuing men (particularly single/childless men) over women.

 

Blue Spiral, you're looking at it all from the wrong angle. Employers are not going into it valuing a man more than a woman because she is going to take time off to have kids. The equity is unbalanced when the woman takes 12-18 months off for having each one of her kids. When she returns, the woman is intellectually 12-18 months behind the man. And in that time, the man has incurred 12-18 months of raises, bonuses and other perks. Is there a time penalty for having kids? Well, ask any woman who has even been pregnant and had kids!!

 

That time is never gained back; it is not the man's fault nor the company's fault for this inequality. It's biology's fault. Biology is life, and life ain't fair.

 

No amount of releveling will remove this disparity, either. Those who work longer and harder will be repaid more. However, working for the man isn't everything - for most people, they work for the man only because it allows them to provide for their family and their children.

[scklbad]

manhattan is loaded with starbucks haha....i suggest you only go there.

[Batya33]

Most women have kids. Most women have jobs. Unless they're being solely supported by their husband--which is getting increasingly rare/impossible--they're going to require time off when they get pregnant. Employers are legally required to offer parenthood leave (or whatever it's called), but that hasn't stopped them from valuing men (particularly single/childless men) over women.

 

I was in a male-dominated career for 14 years and in general I felt just as valued as men. I don't feel intellectually behind just because I've been a full time mom for almost three years but nor do I expect to step back in at the same level after all this time - that wouldn't make sense, or be fair. I actually found that people with families were valued more than single people - when it came to asking people to work late nights or weekends, people with child -related responsibilities often were able to leave at a normal time whereas if I said I had a date (which I rarely did say - unless there were important tickets involved, and even then....) that was not as highly valued. Well, how was I supposed to get married off if I had to keep canceling dates so a parent could attend a child-related event?

[Generation]

It happened to me twice. Both times the man was very generous and not just with money but in general and both times they were embarrassed and wanted to pay me back . I married one of them.

 

and I'll bet he never forgets now or very rarely does, and he remembers that time vividly. I mean, it does happen (don't take me too literally), but it's one of those critical things we must have on us or feel less like a man. Personally, I'll equate it with going out without my underwear.

 

Also, the pattern I see here are these are first dates and a man should never forget his wallet on the first meet, so I find it hard to believe it's purely coincidence. It's easy to put on an act and have women go with it and to go with it for just that date. But just because they've met doesn't mean they've stopped screening. See where I'm going with this?

[lady00]

I read a magazine not too long ago (I can't remember which one but it was a special edition about money). One of the articles provided advice to wealthy men on how to spot a gold digger. Guess what the article advised? "Forget" your wallet on the first date and see if she sticks around after that (it also suggested things like having a smaller place modest apartment in addition to your other home so that if a date sees your place early on she will not know how rich you are). From my perspective, I think this thread proves that the "forget your wallet" advice is just silly and actually will just backfire. But anyway, I thought I'd throw that out there. I don't think any of OP's dates fits into this category but I wonder if there are guys out there who would follow this type of advice and use it as a test.

[ParisPaulette]

Wow, it does sound like these guys were all deadbeats looking for a free dinner. Honestly in the future you might want to tell the guy ahead of time that you make it a policy on a first date to pay for your own meal and drinks and he pays for his. Also tell him that funds are tight, so you hope they won't mind going to an inexpensive place. Then if he takes you somewhere pricey you hold to how much you are going to spend, even if it means ordering a salad and water. Make it a point to tell the waiter to ring your bills up separately and then if he pulls the old, "I forgot my wallet/credit card is declined/etc." you can look at him blankly and say, "Well,I can only pay my half of the bill like I told you." Then stand up and pay your own bill and tip the waiter by making sure it gets into his/her hands and isn't left at the table with Mr. Deadbeat. Then walk out and catch your own ride home.

 

At the very best the guy will be happy to see that you aren't using him to get a free meal and at worst anyone who's hoping to run a scam on you will learn a harsh lesson. Besides seriously, you're not going to go out with someone that's that scuzzy again anyways so what is there to lose. Also you might want to try another dating site or to switch around where you meet people. And meeting for coffee or inexpensive lunch dates for the first few times is always a good idea anyways. Personally I do that so I don't have a guy insist on paying for an expensive meal and then feeling like I now "owe" him payment of another kind so to speak.

[Generation]

I think all of the OP's dates fit into this category.

 

I'll say one more thing. I've come up with this idea all by myself one day long ago. Yeah, I thought I was original. Truth is, all us guys have thought of it too. I never actually followed through with it because I thought it was absolutely stupid, and it is. I stand by what I say, men don't simply forget their wallets. We might forget our keys, or phones, but not our wallets, and if we do forget, we'll run right back home to get it.

 

Ladies, take note, I'm revealing a big male secret here. Chances are, if you've dated a man and he forgot his wallet, he's probably screening or testing you to see if you're a gold digger. I think it's a messed up strategy, that's why I'm willing to expose.

 

 

 

Here's the real reason, we wanna keep her from knowing we're married. Seriously who the hell wrote this! The only reason I would think of getting a small modest apartment would be to bring women there and bone 'em, and keep them lined up. Keeping them from knowing my real address gives me a quick getaway because if things go south, then she doesn't know where I live and I can sleep peacefully at my real home. Also, my house is way more private and personal, and I don't wanna give them a tour. A small and cozy apartment helps me get to the point faster, if you know what I mean.

[abitbroken]

Yeah, it is messed up. What if the guy invited her to a place where she had no idea how expensive it actually was and she had enough to pay her way, but not cover both? I was in that predicament once. The level of restaurant I assumed we were going to might have ended up being $15 or so for entrees, then appetizers, etc, (so really, under 50-60 bucks for sure) and the guy took me a place where it was $40 and up for entrees. I ordered as modestly as I could and ordered no alcohol- didn't even get a full entree, but the bill still came to over $180 as he ordered very generously for himself ($30-35 of that was me). It wasn't a big well known 5 star restaurant but a new trendy place that I had never heard of that had just opened and I didn't know what i was in for. Our first meeting was just an ice cream - a cheap date. I had no inkling about what a big spender he tried to be.

 

I think that if any of these guys had tried to make it up to her by going on another date and actually remembering the wallet and apologizing, maybe it would be an honest mistake but I do wonder, like you say if this is the latest "technique" in the big city.

 

I guess my rule of thumb is the person who does the asking should be fully prepared to pay for the date unless its something unusual (ie, they meet inside at the zoo and both pay for their individual tickets and then find eachother). The guest must offer to pay, but not press if the host refuses. As the relationship progresses, going dutch or one getting the tab one time, and one getting it another is usually what i go by.