Do men really lose respect for women who have sex on a second date?

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You don't know him well enough to know if you can really trust him. Just because you can talk at length to him doesn't mean you know everything about his character and whether or not you can trust him with your heart.

[anya1607307555]

It's not about men in general, it's about this particular man.

 

Have you spent time with him in the company of others? You need to know how he conducts himself in public/amongst friends. I know a man who has some lovely qualities and shares many of my values on a one-to-one basis, unfortunately he also has a very loose tongue and is not someone I would trust with my sex life, heart or feelings.

[johnnyp]

The responses that usually pop up to this type of question always make me smile, with all this talk of "men that feel that way are pathetic" and "these type of guys aren't worth your effort". As long as women find taller, stronger, healthier looking, wealthier men more attractive than guys that have none of those qualities, then it's really a wasted effort to get annoyed when guys prefer women that haven't ran through the whole city and slept with loads of guys on the first date.

 

Is it fair? No, of course not. But it's no less unfair than a six-foot guy being instantly more attractive than a five foot five guy, based on no other reason than the natural attraction a woman has to what appears to be a physically stronger man. Instead of going on about how unfair it is and how men are hypocrites, why not just just accept it for what it is and either find a man that doesn't care about such things or just hold off on the sex until you get to know your date better and see how he really feels about you?

 

I've said this before in another post…most women will get constantly hit on by hundreds of guys during their life and many of those guys will only be after sex. If the woman is looking for more than just a one-night stand, then holding off on the sex and seeing how the man reacts will often show you pretty quickly whether he's only looking for sex or if he's interested in more with you. And if the woman only wants sex, then all power to her…have as many one-night stands as you want and enjoy yourself. But don't get all offended if you get a reputation as being easy. You can spend all the time in the world saying how unfair it is, or you can just stop sleeping with everyone you meet…which one do you think will work better to get you the respect you want and help you find a man that wants more than just sex from you?

 

There's a new thread here right now at ENA with loads of women saying "I'd never call a man for a second date...he's the man, so he needs to do all the chasing". How is that kind of archaic thinking any different to this? It's not just us guys that can be out-dated in our thinking sometimes ladies

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Often it is the same kind of woman who will go to bed with a guy on the first or second date but then will get all traditional saying the guy has to run after the woman otherwise the woman looks too desperate!

[Batya33]

You don't know him well enough to know if you can really trust him. Just because you can talk at length to him doesn't mean you know everything about his character and whether or not you can trust him with your heart.

 

Right. I think men who are self-respecting people should lose respect for a woman who chooses to have casual sex and then makes all sorts of excuses/gets defensive about her behavior or, worse, maligns the man in question if he chooses not to call her again or chooses to continue a casual arrangement with her. If he chooses to have casual sex then, no, there shouldn't be a silly double standard. You have to decide -if a man does follow that sort of double standard, is that a flaw you can live with? If the honest answer is yes, then don't risk sabotaging the long term by having sex too early. Personally, I don't like the double standard when it comes to casual sex but I also never tested it out because I didn't want casual sex badly enough to take all the risks associated with it including emotional.

If you do decide you don't like that double standard that's fine but then consider whether you're ok with other double standards in dating (such as, traditionally, the man pays).

[Batya33]

Often it is the same kind of woman who will go to bed with a guy on the first or second date but then will get all traditional saying the guy has to run after the woman otherwise the woman looks too desperate!

 

 

Yes, I never understood the "now that we had sex he has to call me otherwise he is a jerk, and I am not going to call him because now I want to be the traditional woman again". Doesn't really work like that IMO.

[FathomFear]

It always kinds of baffles me when a woman expresses this concern. I mean, if a guy were to judge you harshly for engaging in the very same behavior he did (sex on the second date) would he be worth your time anyway? The goal shouldn't be to conform and abide by someone's double standards.

[waterlilly]

Personally I wouldn't want to date someone who would judge me for doing something with me that we both want to do. That is just silly. But some guys do... they just aren't worth dating in my opinion.

 

Exactly!!!!

My ex husband and I met on a trip with mutual friends. On the 5th night we ended up in bed together. He had his hand down my pants before we had ever even kissed. We were together from then on. WE stayed together for 14 years even, got married, had kids. Did he respect me less....no. Not at all. On the contrary, I think he was attracted to my acceptance of my own sexuality and the freedom I allowed myself.

 

Am I like that now? I try not to be, but because I get emotionally attached not because I think there is anything wrong with it. I don't. This recently happened to me. bummer.

 

And women judge men too....we call them players. Truthfully some are and play people by maneuvering. But other times we just rush in with no verbal communication to clarify where things are going.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Exactly!!!!

My ex husband and I met on a trip with mutual friends. On the 5th night we ended up in bed together. He had his hand down my pants before we had ever even kissed. We were together from then on. WE stayed together for 14 years even, got married, had kids. Did he respect me less....no. Not at all. On the contrary, [i think he was attracted to my acceptance of my own sexuality and the freedom I allowed myself.[/b]Am I like that now? I try not to be, but because I get emotionally attached not because I think there is anything wrong with it. I don't.

 

Women who choose to wait are no less accepting of their sexuality and no less free to express it... ...they are simply less in a hurry and prefer to wait longer until they are more comfortable with and sure of the other person and his intentions and feelings. In other words, waiting has nothing to do with feeling uncomfortable in your own skin, it has more to do with feeling wary and cautious of the other person. It is very often a misconception of those who rush out and have sex that those who choose to wait are more uptight about their sexuality.

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I think of it differently. I think if you have sex with a man very soon he is more likely (not always) just to see you as a casual sex partner. So, I don't think it's about "losing respect." Respect is a different issue. It's moreso about setting expectations from the beginning. I think (from my experience anyway) the longer you wait, the less likely he is to see you as a casual sex partner. If he sticks it out for months or years dating you without sex, and he takes a consistent interest in getting to know you, it means that he's probably not just in it for something casual.

 

That's how I would think of it.

[Isabel1990]

Ok, so I guess it all comes down to the type of guy and the impression you cause on him in order for him to consider you "relationship material": maybe the chemistry between both is so good that you end up in a relationship (as in waterlilly's case above)

 

BUT there's also the issue of probability and risk: there's a higher chance that he will consider me a casual sex partner rather than someone he'd like to pursue a deeper relationship with if we dont take it slow and wait to know each other better.

 

I think I got it...?

[OptomisticGirl]

There's a risk in every relaitonship, for every action you take. Only you know this guy and his views. Have you asked him what he thinks of women who sleep with guys on x dates or within x months? I knew my husband only had sex when he was in a steady relationship when we got together so I knew when we did have sex on the first date, I wasn't just a casual sex partner.

[aerobfa]

It really depends on the chemistry and passion you have as everyone is different. Some people feel it instantaneously and some take longer get started. But personally, the second date does seem too a little too soon in my opinion. It can't hurt by waiting longer and letting that tension build up. If he loses interest or stops seeing you because you didn't sleep with him soon enough, then you know he didn't have good intentions to begin with. It's better to hold out than to move too fast and regret it later.

[Ms Darcy]

Ok, so I guess it all comes down to the type of guy and the impression you cause on him in order for him to consider you "relationship material": maybe the chemistry between both is so good that you end up in a relationship (as in waterlilly's case above)

 

BUT there's also the issue of probability and risk: there's a higher chance that he will consider me a casual sex partner rather than someone he'd like to pursue a deeper relationship with if we dont take it slow and wait to know each other better.

 

I think I got it...?

 

This makes sense.

 

I think if this guy is really important to you, and this worries you, then it's best to wait until you are comfortable. When in doubt, don't. If he's not willing to wait at least a little while, then he's not interested in you in the way you need.

[bulletproof]

Ok, so I guess it all comes down to the type of guy and the impression you cause on him in order for him to consider you "relationship material": maybe the chemistry between both is so good that you end up in a relationship (as in waterlilly's case above)

 

BUT there's also the issue of probability and risk: there's a higher chance that he will consider me a casual sex partner rather than someone he'd like to pursue a deeper relationship with if we dont take it slow and wait to know each other better.

 

I think I got it...?

 

I would say it's more about the fact that sometimes it's just more fun to wait, for both men and women alike. I say that based on the idea that building a sexual tension can be incredibly exciting and prolong the sometimes all-too-short initial rush of dating. If you really see this guy as long-term potential, then why rush it anyway? Do what you think will give you the most emotional and sexual satisfaction (which I personally think is waiting)- and forget about whether it will gain you "respect" or not.

[Batya33]

It really depends on the chemistry and passion you have as everyone is different. Some people feel it instantaneously and some take longer get started. But personally, the second date does seem too a little too soon in my opinion. It can't hurt by waiting longer and letting that tension build up. If he loses interest or stops seeing you because you didn't sleep with him soon enough, then you know he didn't have good intentions to begin with. It's better to hold out than to move too fast and regret it later.

 

No, not about level of passion or chemistry- I felt both instantaneously, more than once but including with my husband very strongly but for several reasons we decided to wait. You always have a choice as to how to react to passion or chemistry or any feeling. I think many men and women have the best of intentions but choose not to continue where the sex happened too fast because sex can complicate situations,emotions,etc. Or they can have the best of intentions but since by the second date they often know their pairs of socks better than you, they might change their mind after (not because of the sex, just based on the experience of getting to know you in general, like many people do after only two dates).

 

I'm not telling you to wait -I am concerned about your suggestion that a man who changes his mind after having sex with you presumably had bad intentions to start out with . Seems like an unfair and negative generalization.

[jsd43953]

Hey Guys,

 

I think I want to chime in here and I am a Guy so here goes. Thrursday night I meet a girl through a friend. We chill at her apartment have some drinks chit chat. First time I meet here. I find here attractive and all of course, but play it cool. The next day we end up going out (all the people from Thursday night). She does not go because she was feeling under the weather. At that point I asked her friend if she would text her and see if I could get her number. She give it to me and we start texting, flirting, sending pictures (non explicit). She makes it clear that when we come back from the club that I could come wake her up or whatever but that she wasnt giving up any booty. This was fine b/c I had no intentions of that just wanted to possibly kiss her. Anyway club is over, go back to her house wake her up give her a hug and she kisses me, then she says she is off tomorrow and for me to come by and hang out. So here it is on Saturday, I come over we have a drink (no drunk, just buzzed) watch a movie.. chit chat about life, past present and future etc. Then we end up having sex. Now i can tell you that my initial thoughts were wow she went against what she said. However before we had sex she asked me a simple question: Do you think we should have sex this soon. My response was if it feels right and natural then doesnt that mean that the time is right? I personally have not lost respect for her in anyway, I kind of feel that we shared such a strong connection that it was a natural raw attraction sprinkled with the mental chemistry. She told me Sunday she had to work all day and I am a "good guy" so that evening i sent a text just sayin that she ran accross my mind and that I hoped she wasnt working hard. I got no response because she works at a resteraunt and knew she was busy but I took initiative to show her that she was not a booty call. Now with that being said I am not going to blow her phone up. I have planted my seed to let her know I am thinking of her and still find her interesting enough to think about her. Ill give it a few and see if she texts me/calls me.

 

In closing I am just saying that I think the time frame in which you sleep with someone relies on two factors 1) How real are you being with yourself and that person about your expecations, desires, and thoughts prior to that moment. 2) That both of you have the same views on the act of sex and what it encompasses; and if ones feelings should increase would the other be willing to reciprocate or want to stay emoptionally where they were prior to the act.

[blueidealist24]

 

In closing I am just saying that I think the time frame in which you sleep with someone relies on two factors 1) How real are you being with yourself and that person about your expecations, desires, and thoughts prior to that moment. 2) That both of you have the same views on the act of sex and what it encompasses; and if ones feelings should increase would the other be willing to reciprocate or want to stay emoptionally where they were prior to the act.

 

The problem with #2 is often you don't know that stuff by the second date.

[jsd43953]

The problem with #2 is often you don't know that stuff by the second date.

 

blue,

 

This is a good point that you bring up. But with communication no one is in the dark. For example, everyone who has had a sexual relationship knows that one or both persons emotions will change as soon as the act is done. With that being known wither its the frist date, second date, or 21 date; the responsibilty falls on the individuals to discuss it, be real and open with it between one another.

 

You are right you often don't know that stuff by then ( if its more sooner than later), but the trump card to that is that the initiative to speak about it or shine light on it before its a issue that could arise. Basically sometimes you have to plant a seed before the tree can grow. When two people are dealing with one another thre are emotions, intimate ones, platinic ones, etc that are ever evolving. Every actions causes a reaction, hence why communication can be the saving grace.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

This girl is very typical of the fake coy type. She was completely full of mixed messages. If she really wasn't the type to do booty calls she wouldn't have asked you to come over to her place to wake her up. That was just to set the stage. The next night proved that the night before her words were meaningless. I actually have less respect for women who play this kind of game (like the ones who have sex on the first or second date and then claim that is out of character). I assume she has done this kind of thing before..."oh no, no booty tonight, we just met..but tomorrow will be your lucky night".

[HeartGoesOn]

You are right you often don't know that stuff by then ( if its more sooner than later), but the trump card to that is that the initiative to speak about it or shine light on it before its a issue that could arise. Basically sometimes you have to plant a seed before the tree can grow. When two people are dealing with one another thre are emotions, intimate ones, platinic ones, etc that are ever evolving. Every actions causes a reaction, hence why communication can be the saving grace.

 

I agree with your point on "communication can be the saving grace," yet where does "responsibility" weigh in here? After knowing each other for the span of a few days, are you responsible enough to guard your health and future, by testing for STD's prior to becoming intimate, and communicating what the plan will be should this result in a pregnancy?

[Batya33]

I agree with your point on "communication can be the saving grace," yet where does "responsibility" weigh in here? After knowing each other for the span of a few days, are you responsible enough to guard your health and future, by testing for STD's prior to becoming intimate, and communicating what the plan will be should this result in a pregnancy?

 

That's true and I think it's far too easy to mistake lust for "feels right and natural" with a stranger.

As far as emotions changing because of sex -I'll agree with that but when it's with someone you already are serious with and know over a period of time the emotions that occur after sex are not going to be drastically different and even if they are there's far less risk of the couple getting waylaid or overwhelmed in a bad way by those emotions because they already have a solid foundation.