It's been a month, no progress made and I only want to get him back

[magnoliatree]

You cannot let another person ruin your life. Eleanor Roosevelt was right when she said "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission". You are young (27), intelligent (you study) and have a heart that is capable of love these things are part of you and they were not stripped from you.

 

Re-read this until you believe it!!!!

[AnnaN]

Thank you all!

About quiting my studies, it is actually mu third degree I struggle not to leave behind. I had already one and now I am attending two at the same time. It was something I did just for knowledge and interest in the subject. I have lost any interest and I have absolutely no energy at this point. I know it would be something I'd regret. I know (and hope) that reading all these eg in a year from now, I will feel stupid for writing, acting and feeling like this.

My self-esteem has always been high. It's the first time I feel inferior because I am doing and thinking all these things. It makes me sad, almost as sad as the BU made me. This is not me, I could never expect that. I disappointed me.

[winniethepooh]

Doing nothing is doing something?

Yes, it's helping you to heal.

 

I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but believe me and everyone else on this forum who says something similar. You don't want to feel worse than you do right now, and if you contact him, or respond to anything insignificant from him, you will.

 

Well, it appears that I am doing nothing but I am thinking of doing something, I am not sure what yet, but I'll get there.

As long as the are things to do for your improvement, and nothing to do with him, that's good

[Scuza]

My self-esteem has always been high. It's the first time I feel inferior because I am doing and thinking all these things. It makes me sad, almost as sad as the BU made me. This is not me, I could never expect that. I disappointed me.

 

This is why I always insist on people doing everything they can to avoid thinking about their ex or contacting them.

When my ex broke up with me, my personality imploded, and I instantaneously lost the person I was.

I never got myself back until I stopped contacting her. Now I'm back to my joking, confident, flirty self!

It took me 6 weeks to come to terms with it, but then something just clicked and I asked myself why I still cared.

She made her decision to leave, so why did I decide to remain here in emotional purgatory?

 

I have to agree with winnie, when it comes to your ex, doing nothing helps you heal.

NC isn't about bringing your ex back, it's about bringing yourself back.

[Eocsor]

Your in the manic phase of the breakup. The "I want him back no matter what and will do anything in my power to make that happen" phase. At the end of the day though it's not your descision, it's his and he has said and still is saying no to that. And from what you've said that seems very unlikely to change.

 

You'll keep banging your head against the wall for a while yet. You'll do stupid things like continue to try and contact him because you'll think, "this time it will make a difference." You'll end up harrassing him to the point where he will never want to hear your name again. You'll be in pain and on edge and feeling miserable until one day, you're just going to accept that it's over and then you'll start to calm down and start to heal.

 

But that looks to be a ways down the road yet. But whether you want to or not, you will get there.

[mhowe]

There is nothing you can say or do to make him change his mind. He came to his decision regarding his life and your relationship, and even though you don't want to accept it, you don't really have a choice. It takes 2 people to make a relationship -- one person alone cannot do it. Regardless of your desire or intent, you have to accept what has happened.

 

You say you won't quit school because at some point in the future, you don't want to "admit what he made you do". He is not making you do anything. Your behavior now is all yours....

[AnnaN]

5 Weeks

I can't believe it's five weeks without him!

I was doing well, or I thought so. Two days ago I had to travel again for my studies. I spent a night to a hotel full of memories. We had been there only a couple of times. Mostly, I was staying alone there. But 2 years ago we went to that city during Christmas holidays, I saw the restaurant we had dinner... Everything reminded me of him, crazy thing because I don't feel like this in the place where I live, where we had been at almost every single place! I also remembered the times I was there alone and he was calling me all the time to see how I am, or if he knew I was going to go out, he wouldn't sleep until I call him and see that I am safe at the hotel room. No one was interested this time.

 

Bad news... as I said I thought I was doing well, being busy with work and school. The very first moment I entered at that hotel room, I think I had something like a breakdown. It had never happened to me before. I started crying the very first second, I felt so lonely and miserable. Anyway, I got scared because I had never felt that way.

I called me previous ex, who is a friend now and he's been very supportive. He lives there so we went out together. He got scared to when he listened to me on the phone. I felt relieved to find him because what happened was very difficult for me and I couln't handle it. I don't know what I would be doing if I stayed alone at the hotel room.

When I was back at the hotel, I changed my mind about quiting my postgraduate studies. At least, I will try.

 

I saw a doctor when I got back. I have anxiety and health and weight problems because of that. He gave me some pills, something herbal, suggested to try them for a few days and come back next week, to give me medications if these don't work.

 

I never believed in my life that I would need this kind of help because of a guy! I mean, it's just a guy! We had a nice relationship for 4 years, I loved him, but I can't die for him, I can't harm my health, I can't destroy my life... I am angry with myself for not being strong enough, I feel guilty for doing this to myself.

 

I am at a point, where I really hope I will never fall in love again. I was trying to make him happy, he did the same (or I thought he did, I don't know any more). I never lied to him, I never did anything bad to anyone. And what did I get for being honest, supportive, the "perfect girlfriend"? I ended up alone, being dumped by someone I was planning to spend my life with and thought he loved me. If he, who did all these to me and made me happy for 4 years, didn't love me, what are my chances to find someone that he will really love me and stay with me for ever? Do I want to take this risk again?

[deeplongbreath]

If he, who did all these to me and made me happy for 4 years, didn't love me, what are my chances to find someone that will really love me and stay with me for ever? Do I want to take this risk again?

 

It's too soon for you to go out and date, really, so you shouldn't be asking yourself these questions. Plus, if you ever fall in love again (which I hope!) you won't even wonder if it's risky. It will happen naturally.

 

Now is the time for you to accept your sorrow and grief, take care of yourself and hang out with supportive people. The rest will come in its time.

[AnnaN]

It's too soon for you to go out and date, really, so you shouldn't be asking yourself these questions. Plus, if you ever fall in love again (which I hope!) you won't even wonder if it's risky. It will happen naturally.

 

Now is the time for you to accept your sorrow and grief, take care of yourself and hang out with supportive people. The rest will come in its time.

 

I don't plan dating soon.

It's been 5 weeks and I haven't slept again on the bed where we used to and we slept a few hours before BU. I haven't even changed the sheets! I sleep in another room of the house, on a single bed, like me... I avoid to enter into that room.

 

ps. I love your signature! It was my favourite quote in my teen years. I think I had forgotten it... So good to remind me!

[deeplongbreath]

Yeah it's a nice quote, love it. Letting go of demands and fear is a hard work, but it eventually pays back. I'm in a much better place today than I was a year ago. My life got better, I'm happy with all the things I've started and accomplished. I only wish I had someone to share with........ preferably my ex, lol.

[AnnaN]

I know this feeling...

I have also accomplished something important the last weeks but it made me feel more sad, he wasn't around to share it, to go out and celebrate it.

 

I am really not doing well... There are moments that I feel I can do anything, I don't need anyone, I am fine by myself. But these are only moments. Most of the time is bad... and it's not getting any better, I can definitely say that it is getting worse. I don't know why, it's very frustrating to try and nothing happens...

I had been throught break ups in the past, this one is different, I can't handle it...

I see all thee posts here about moving on and having found happiness after a break up and I wonder if I ever get there. At the beginning I was reading reconciliation stories wondering if he ever comes back. I don't care about it any more. I care about myself and I want to feel better. The easiest way would be that he comes back, but this is not going to happen, now I know it...

But no matter what I do, I am still here, desperate, more sad than the first days...

[lemonhaze]

Your BU is pretty recent so you have nothing to be ashamed of. Accept the pain, you will become a stronger person through all of this.

[AnnaN]

Today I had the first good day after almost 6 weeks. It actually started from yesterday.

No obvious reason, I just did what I normally do but I felt well. I woke up early in the morning and I didn't do the usual thing, to lay on bed for an hour, trying to make the decision and start the day. I was also in the car, turned on the radio and listened for the first time to love songs that I avoided all these weeks, and I didn't feel sad, I felt very optimistic and I thought how nice it is to search for and find love. I hope it will last. (I don't know if the anti-stress herbal tablets that I ve been taking the last 5 days helped me on this).

 

And something bad, it seems that there alyways has to be something bad... As I was thinking of my future for the first time, although I didn't care for my ex and didn't feel sad, I felt that I wouldn't be able to move on unless I talked to him for a last time. I don't know if I need a closure or a final confirmation (althought it is confirmed), to leave it behind for ever.

[Eocsor]

No other person can give you closure. You do that for yourself. It's just one last chance to try and reconnect on your part. Don't do it. It will mess you up.

[AnnaN]

7 Weeks...

 

Today it was a difficult day, although I was doing well and didn't car about him for some days. I had to travel because of my studies, for the last time this year. I have done three times after the BU and it was very difficult... He always cared so much about me, asking me to call him after the plane landed, how was my exam, he was worried when I had to stay alone at the hotel, talking all the time to keeo me company when I was alone... He came with me a few times, too...

So, together again no one cared about me... I believe that I will never get over this, that he never showed any sign, he was behaving the same until a few hours before the break up... He just stopped loving me? It happened long ago and he was pretending? why? and how long? why didn't he say anything? show something?

I never had unanswered questions after a break up, and now all I believe is that this relationship was a lie, it never existed, he never was what I believed and what he was showing...

 

And I had bad luck because all the flights were full and I had to return with the bus... I can tell you 7 hours on a bus, alone, in the middle of the night is a bad thing...

 

But I made a promise to myself, that the next time I have to go there again, about in a month and half, I won't be thinking of him any more, I will be the happy smiling girl that I used to be. I hope I'll make it!

 

The day of the break up he gave me something that was supposed to bring good luck. He was always giving it to me when I had something importand to do, like exams. He gave it to me and he told me to give it back the next time we will meet.

I am thinking to send it to him by mail, I don't want it any more and I know we will never meet, or even talk, again...

[princess5]

how are you doing today?

[AnnaN]

After all the travelling thing with work and studies and exams, I feel much better the last 3 days that I had time for myself and relax.

I can tell that I am looking forward to the holidays (I never expected this! ) and to travel with friends and family.

 

I posted another thread

(I hope the last one about reconciliation and getting back together).

 

But I think I won't try anything for now. I am feeling too good after a long time to destroy it. But I feel I need to attempt something in the future, unless something happens, if I learn that he has a new gf for example.

[princess5]

I've been where you are.. a few years ago.. and I am your age now. I've brought MY insecurities into my new relationship even though present bf is totally amazing. It's so hard to let them go... just give yourself time.. ,lots of time.. i went out and tried to replace my ex, kissed numerous boys.. but I always felt awful after doing it. You need to give yourself a lot of time to heal. Don't do what I did. Please Please don't give up your studies, they will be your saviour.