I messed up and I really want to fix it HELP

[winniethepooh]

No we not, and thats confusing me. Especially the phone call last night. But surely thats a good sign since shes the one chasing me for communication?

If she's trying to leave you but is still communicating with you then that might be a good sign. Depends if she's trying to get out of the relationship but string you along as a friend for support, or if she's not sure whether she wants to leave the relationship or not. I guess try and hang in there until it becomes clear one way or another but don't pressure her.

 

Yes, that bothers me alot but I do wonder if I havent been putting in as much effort as she did. Its hard to tell. She did alot of little things for me so I really dont know and its not a risk Im willing to take. I am prepared for my words to fall flat but I feel I have to try,

It's a risk you're NOT willing to take? Or you ARE?

 

I need to see her face to face when I say these things, if I write them down she may take them the wrong way or something, I need to see her facial expressions and her reactions. I can read her face to face but otherwise Im shooting in the dark. I need to do that for me, not the relationship.

Ok, fair enough.

 

She believes she has put in effort, I honestly cant judge if she has or not right now. She just feels that anymore is too much and what she has been doing lately is too much.

Ok, well take that at face value and acknowledge that. Perhaps say that you recognize she has been trying, and you do appreciate all the things she does like (give examples here), and you would like to find ways in which you can both try which are not as draining but will help make a better relationship. Ask her what she has been doing that she doesn't want to do. Say you realise that you have neglected her in some ways and you want to be more attentive to her needs, but don't go overboard with the apologies.

 

Im beginning to wonder that myself but for now I dont have anyway of getting out of Sunday. She knows Im going out saturday night with my friends. If I dont show up Sunday I dunno what will happen and I cant think of any logical excuse for getting out of it. So I have essentially trapped myself.

Well ok, then try and use it as an opportunity to clarify things and find ways to move forward together. This break thing just sounds messy.

 

I can see there are elements of your story that indicate a desire on her part to continue a relationship, but there is still the issue of her belief about how relationships should work. Maybe one way towards moving forwards is to ask her if she thinks you and her could work on communicating better. That perhaps sounds less scary than just work hard on the relationship.

 

At all times though, be ready to back off if you think she is feeling pressured. Try and listen more than talk.

[Raaawr]

If she's trying to leave you but is still communicating with you then that might be a good sign. Depends if she's trying to get out of the relationship but string you along as a friend for support, or if she's not sure whether she wants to leave the relationship or not. I guess try and hang in there until it becomes clear one way or another but don't pressure her.

 

Throughout our relationship she used to ask "if we were to break up would you still be my friend. I can't imagine not talking to you every day" I would ALWAYS tell her no, there's no chance I'm sorry. I'm her for a relationship not friendship. I cant do friends after. No pressure. The only move I have made was asking for Sunday and have given her at least ten options out but she has refused. Reinitiating texting was her and I've not even asked her a question in the texts. Conversation dies I back off but she followed up.

 

It's a risk you're NOT willing to take? Or you ARE?

 

At this moment in time I am

Ok, well take that at face value and acknowledge that. Perhaps say that you recognize she has been trying, and you do appreciate all the things she does like (give examples here), and you would like tofind ways in which you can both try which are not as draining but will help make a better relationship. Ask her what she has been doing that she doesn't want to do. Say you realise that you have neglected her insome ways and you want to be more attentive to her needs, but don't go overboard with the apologies.

 

Ok. I'll have examples ready. I won't go overboard. Well I'll try.

Well ok, then try and use it as an opportunity to clarify things and find ways to move forward together. This break thing just sounds messy.

 

[qoute]I can see there are elements of your story that indicate a desire on her part to continue a relationship, but there is still the issue of her belief about how relationships should work. Maybe one way towards moving forwards is to ask her if she thinks you and her could work on communicating better. That perhaps sounds less scary than just work hard on the relationship.

 

Good suggestion. That way I can say a bit more without it sounding appogetic and more constructive.

 

At all times though, be ready to back off if you think she is feeling pressured. Try and listen more than talk.

 

Yes sir. I will. Thank you again. You have been invaluable. I owe you many beers!

[Raaawr]

What I plan on saying to her:

 

Ok where to begin. *

 

So over the last few days I've been looking at our relationship and how I have behaved in it the last few months * and the more I look the more I dislike. *

 

I have taken you for granted. I don't know when it started but I certainly know I want that to stop. I learned some valuable things the last few days and this has been a huge wake up call for me. *

 

I recognise you have been trying in different ways and I appreciate the things you do for me (list them here). I also acknowledge that I shouldn't have been focusing on what you weren't doing and trying to make you do more while I was missing out on minor things and I understand why that upset you. *

 

I realised today I can't remember the last time I kissed you spontaneously and that's really not good enough. I would really like to find ways which we can both try that are not as draining but will help give us a happier healthier relationship. I understand I have been neglectful in some ways and want to be more tentative to your needs.

 

I also understand how some of my words have hurt you now and With so few compliments and words of praise I see how it seems I've lost those happy feelings for you. I want to be that boyfriend who made you those bunnys and kissed you for the first time in the bowling ally again. I want to be the boyfriend who tells you he loves * you everyday again. I want to be the boyfriend that comes home and hugs you and compliments you again. *

 

I think there Are ways for us to work on communicating better but I know it has to start with me and I'm more than willing to put * in the effort to see it through. *

 

 

 

Please feel free to edit/add what you see fit. Or suggest something I've missed and should add. *

[Raaawr]

Just dropped tickets off to her work. Was hoping she wouldn't be there but she was. She saw me come in and looked away immediately. Thought she was gonna cry. So just gave them to her said have fun and got out ASAP

[Ms Darcy]

Throughout our relationship she used to ask "if we were to break up would you still be my friend. I can't imagine not talking to you every day" I would ALWAYS tell her no, there's no chance I'm sorry. I'm her for a relationship not friendship. I cant do friends after.

 

This is a bad bad bad sign. Very bad. I know your man "fix it" mentality is going to gravitate towards fixing your fairly recent behavior, BUT this says to me she's been thinking of leaving for a long time.

 

I don't really have high hopes for this situation. I think the less contact with her you have the better. If you are talking, you should be talking about working on the relationship. If not, there is nothing else to talk about. You need to be strong on this.

 

I wouldn't say all that apology stuff. I've been on here for a while and have seen this many times. It's not good.

[Raaawr]

This is a bad bad bad sign. Very bad. I know your man "fix it" mentality is going to gravitate towards fixing your fairly recent behavior, BUT this says to me she's been thinking of leaving for a long time.

She started asking me that 3 months into the relationship ha! If not sooner, was just something she always asked. I wouldnt read too much into it.

 

I don't really have high hopes for this situation. I think the less contact with her you have the better. If you are talking, you should be talking about working on the relationship. If not, there is nothing else to talk about. You need to be strong on this.

 

True but I cant do that til I see her in person

 

I wouldn't say all that apology stuff. I've been on here for a while and have seen this many times. It's not good.

 

I think I need to say it for me. I went out to a nightclub with my friends last night and I chatted to different girls and I had fun. It was so liberating not having her call me or texting me giving out. I had a really good night. I didnt do anything with anyone, just chatted for a bit and moved off before I even got their names but its something I havent done in along time. Im ready to go talk to her later, still not 100% sure what Im going to say but Im going to see her off the back of a pretty good week.

[winniethepooh]

Yes sir. I will. Thank you again. You have been invaluable. I owe you many beers!

You're welcome Mr Pooh likes beer occasionally but hold on, you're nowhere near out of the woods yet ...

 

My suggestions (feel free to ignore, modify, as you like) are to delete grey text and add green text. My comments in red (don't include them!).

 

So over the last few days I've been looking at our relationship and how I have behaved in it the last few months * and the more I look the more I dislike. *

 

I have taken you for granted. I don't know when it started but I certainly know I want that to stop. I learned some valuable things the last few days and this has been a huge wake up call for me. *

 

I recognise you have been trying in different ways and I appreciate the things you do for me (list them here). I also acknowledge that I shouldn't have been focusing on what you weren't doing and trying to make you do more while I was missing out on minor things and I understand why that upset you. * (this bit is confusing)

 

I realised today I can't remember the last time I kissed you spontaneously and that's really not good enough. I would really like to find ways which we can both try that are not as draining but will help give us a happier healthier relationship. I understand I have been neglectful in some ways and want to be more tentative sensitive to your needs.

 

I also understand how some of my words have hurt you now and With so few compliments and words of praise I see how it seems I've lost those happy feelings for you. I want to be that boyfriend who made you those bunnys and kissed you for the first time in the bowling ally again. I want to be the boyfriend who tells you he loves * you everyday again. I want to be the boyfriend that comes home and hugs you and compliments you again. * Good grief! Bunnys?

 

I think there Are ways for us to work on communicating better but I know it has to start with me and I'm more than willing to put * in the effort to see it through. Would you be willing to work on that with me? *

 

I think I need to say it for me. I went out to a nightclub with my friends last night and I chatted to different girls and I had fun. It was so liberating not having her call me or texting me giving out. I had a really good night. I didnt do anything with anyone, just chatted for a bit and moved off before I even got their names but its something I havent done in along time. Im ready to go talk to her later, still not 100% sure what Im going to say but Im going to see her off the back of a pretty good week.

Ah, so maybe you're not so interested in reconciling with her

[Raaawr]

You're welcome Mr Pooh likes beer occasionally but hold on, you're nowhere near out of the woods yet ...

 

My suggestions (feel free to ignore, modify, as you like) are to delete grey text and add green text. My comments in red (don't include them!).

 

 

 

 

Ah, so maybe you're not so interested in reconciling with her

 

Thanks for your edits. I will add some in.

 

I know everyone is saying dont apologise but I think she needs to hear some form of an apology or admission of guilt on my behalf to show I have learned something. That is just how she is.

 

Haha she looooved those bunnys!

 

I want to reconcile, I want to work on it but I understand its not the end of the world and I may be wasting my time. Also I may not hear from her today which I will take as an opportunity not to go over.

[Raaawr]

I also need to apologise for things I feel I have actually done wrong. That's the main thing.

[Raaawr]

well she contacted me asking what time I want to come over at, I told her whenever suits her and she said after 6, I asked for any particular time? She said "no" so I suggested 7.

 

Wish me luck!

[Ms Darcy]

If you apologize and she says "no big deal, but I don't want to get back together" how will you feel?

[winniethepooh]

Wish me luck!

Good luck

 

Focus on finding ways to move forwards together. Don't focus on games or trying to figure out who's right and who's wrong.

[Raaawr]

Ok so I am back from the talk, only lasted an hour, which in retrospect seems really short but it was probably a good time.

 

So, we talked about our weekend, I gave details she was a bit vague. Then I started.

 

I told her, in the least apologetic way I could manage that I felt I hadn't been good enough in the relationship. Soon as I started she butted in and said there were some good things and I asked her to please wait, I need to say these things for me, not us, just me. So i told her how I had time to look back over the last few months and that for my own standards I simply was not good enough. She asked for examples, I gave them. That I was unhappy with how I was as a boyfriend and how I made mistakes and have learned and will never make those mistakes again with anyone, a different girl or her.

 

She also told me she wasn't feeling very sad. She thought she would be more upset. That maybe its because we only on a break and on an actual break up she would be sad but shes not sure. Honestly felt like shouting at her "ITS CAUSE YOU DUMPING ME, I GET THE BAD FEELINGS!" but I stayed quiet and continued what I was saying noting that for someone who wasnt very sad her eyes kept tearing up.

 

Then I spoke about the things she did that I took for granted and she stopped me and said "I havent been the best either, Ive been lazy" - I stopped her, told her that we can argue who didnt do this or who didnt do that but that will only lead us to exactly where we are now, Ive been looking at myself and my own actions and I am not happy with them and thats why I am there.

 

I would really like to find ways which we can both try that are not as draining but will help give us a happier healthier relationship. I understand I have been neglectful in some ways and want to be more tentative sensitive to your needs.

 

I said this but in different more dragged out words with examples. I also said how we need to work on better communication and she agreed with me. She then asked me some questions about how I behaved in fights. She brought up a fight we had in Paris where she insulted my friend and stormed off when I stuck up for my friend. Although I think she realized that was her in the wrong and she dropped it pretty quick. She agreed that she has also been focusing on the negatives too much. I also asked her about her previous comment about us not having much of the same interests and pointed out many interests we share. Then she was about to say something, said no I cant its too mean, I encouraged her to be honest and then she said I didnt really have any interests, all I do is work, play computer games and play football. This confused me a bit, all she does is go to college, watch tv and work weekends. So I suggested we do more things together, explore our common interests more, she agreed it would be a good idea and invited me to see a film. I was confused and asked if she just asked me on a date or if it was just out of habit. She said "A date... if you want. But I dunno", she then decided it was too soon and I agreed.

 

The conversation moved towards getting back together, she said she completely believes I will do everything I have said, asked me how I would feel if we broke up, I said id be upset but I know its not the end of the world and I have learned alot and know how to better myself, she also said she has been disheartened for months, I asked her what she meant by disheartened and she said unloved and taken for granted, she quickly added that she knows she has taken me for granted in some ways too. She then reiterated she completely believes I will do everything I have said but, she doesn't know if it will be enough to make her happy again and she is worried that it wont and in 2 months time we will just break up anyway (this happened to her best friend and my friend 6 months ago), she also said she doesn't know about the future, she says she cant really see me in her future and if there's no future what is the point? I asked her where she sees herself in 10 years? Or in 5 years? Or even next year? She said she didn't know, still in college next year.

 

Personally I think she is afraid of being stuck in a relationship where the love has gone. Her parents are like that and she always gives out about how much she hates that. I joked about last year when she told me she was planning on going to america and that Id be left behind so what is the point in being in a relationship thats definitely going to end and she told me to stop thinking about the future and just be happy now. She agreed she was worrying too much but she is still afraid and needs more time to think. Then she asked if I would stay to watch some tv with her. I suggested it would be a bit weird. So we agreed no contact and we will meet up next Sunday to talk.

 

 

I feel better that I got to say what I said. I also wrote everything I said down in a letter and gave it to her in case I missed anything and now I cant think "oh * * * * I forgot to say that" and have it bother me all week. I have done all I can. I feel more relaxed. Whether my chances have improved or not I dont know but I feel Ive gained some more insight into whats bothering her but I know I didnt hurt my chances. Who knows what awaits me next week...

[Raaawr]

Just wanna add, all of the presents and the little models I made her are still on display around her room. I expected to find them all shoved out of sight.

 

Also, I no longer feel better for seeing her again. Infact i feel a bit like after she tried to dump me. Itll go away with some sleep I hope. Its worth it though.

[Raaawr]

I'm starting to doubt what I did yesterday was really the right thing for me. The guilt I'm feeling now at failing is crushing me. The thought that I may never get a chance to make up for what I did is killing me and I really don't know how I'm going to cope if thats the result, and I'm starting to think that's the only way this can end. I hope she is strong and fights for us but I can't see it. Never thought I could feel so depressed and just so angry with myself. I could get over her but this, I don't know how I can forgive myself and let my shortcomings go.

[winniethepooh]

Well in some ways your meeting sounded positive and encouraging. But there are also some things which I think you both need to reflect on.

 

and I asked her to please wait, I need to say these things for me, not us, just me.

Comes accross as a bit harsh. You're saying these things for her and the (possible) relationship also, otherwise what was the point in talking to her in the first place

 

and how I made mistakes and have learned and will never make those mistakes again with anyone, a different girl or her.

Well, you don't know that. Sometimes we repeat mistakes. I would leave out comments about different girls or relationships. You're focused on this girl and this relationship at present.

 

She also told me she wasn't feeling very sad. She thought she would be more upset. That maybe its because we only on a break and on an actual break up she would be sad but shes not sure. Honestly felt like shouting at her "ITS CAUSE YOU DUMPING ME, I GET THE BAD FEELINGS!" but I stayed quiet and continued what I was saying noting that for someone who wasnt very sad her eyes kept tearing up.

She's perhaps not facing the possible loss of you and the relationship yet. That's a consequence of you and her having continued communication, and especially because you're opening up to her about your feelings and behavior. If you and her do completely disconnect and part ways, she is likely to feel differently, but at that point it won't be something you should worry about.

 

Then I spoke about the things she did that I took for granted and she stopped me and said "I havent been the best either, Ive been lazy" - I stopped her,

Might have been better to let her say more at this point. You need information as much as she does so when she offers it, let her.

 

I also said how we need to work on better communication and she agreed with me.

That's good. Also easier said than done

 

Then she was about to say something, said no I cant its too mean, I encouraged her to be honest

Good, but then when she is, be careful about how you react, especially if she says something hurtful to you.

 

and then she said I didnt really have any interests, all I do is work, play computer games and play football. This confused me a bit, all she does is go to college, watch tv and work weekends. So I suggested we do more things together, explore our common interests more, she agreed it would be a good idea and invited me to see a film. I was confused and asked if she just asked me on a date or if it was just out of habit. She said "A date... if you want. But I dunno", she then decided it was too soon and I agreed.

I don't see that it was too soon. You can only try.

 

Common interests make it easier to spend time together but on their own don't necessarily make or break a relationship. I think what's important though is that you each have interests that you like, that you are passionate about, and that you take a genuine interest in each others activities.

 

I asked her what she meant by disheartened and she said unloved and taken for granted, she quickly added that she knows she has taken me for granted in some ways too.

Good that you both recognize that.

 

She then reiterated she completely believes I will do everything I have said but, she doesn't know if it will be enough to make her happy again

This bit concerns me. It's not up to you to make her happy. You can help, just as you can do things to make her unhappy. But a happy relationship is something you both have to build together.

 

and she is worried that it wont and in 2 months time we will just break up anyway (this happened to her best friend and my friend 6 months ago),

And this is a valid point. You both need to work together to avoid this possibility.

 

she also said she doesn't know about the future, she says she cant really see me in her future and if there's no future what is the point?

This may well be the most significant point that makes everything else kind of moot. Why doesn't she see you in her future? What would you and what would she be working towards if not a future together? A future apart?

 

I asked her where she sees herself in 10 years? Or in 5 years? Or even next year? She said she didn't know, still in college next year.

Good questions. Do you want to be part of her life while she figures that out, with the possibility that when she does, it's a life which she doesn't want you in, given what she said before? What about you? Where do you see yourself in 1, 5, 10 years and how could she fit into that?

 

Personally I think she is afraid of being stuck in a relationship where the love has gone.

I expect we all have that fear.

 

Her parents are like that and she always gives out about how much she hates that.

And how could you and her avoid that sort of situation?

 

I joked about last year when she told me she was planning on going to america and that Id be left behind so what is the point in being in a relationship thats definitely going to end and she told me to stop thinking about the future and just be happy now.

Yeah, except neither of you are happy now. Is there a way she can have her dream of going to America AND be in a relationship with you? And if that is an LDR, then that's often very difficult.

 

She agreed she was worrying too much but she is still afraid and needs more time to think. Then she asked if I would stay to watch some tv with her. I suggested it would be a bit weird. So we agreed no contact and we will meet up next Sunday to talk.

I'm not sure getting hung up on this No Contact business is useful. But still, if you've agreed to talk next week, and she wants to be left alone with her thoughts in the meantime, then fair enough if you respect that. You've got stuff to think about too.

 

Whether my chances have improved or not I dont know but I feel Ive gained some more insight into whats bothering her but I know I didnt hurt my chances.

That sounds positive, and at least you seem to have some better communication going on.

 

Who knows what awaits me next week...

Indeed!

 

Just wanna add, all of the presents and the little models I made her are still on display around her room. I expected to find them all shoved out of sight.

Don't worry about it. It might mean something, it might not. You've got more important things to think about.

 

Also, I no longer feel better for seeing her again. Infact i feel a bit like after she tried to dump me. Itll go away with some sleep I hope. Its worth it though.

Your feelings are still in flux, and will continue to be, which makes things very difficult for both of you at present. Now it's especially important to focus on what you and her want deep down, and not make important decisions based on feelings alone.

 

I'm starting to doubt what I did yesterday was really the right thing for me.

More feelings. Don't ignore them, they might be telling you something important, but accept that they will probably vary quite significantly at present.

 

The guilt I'm feeling now at failing is crushing me. The thought that I may never get a chance to make up for what I did is killing me and I really don't know how I'm going to cope if thats the result, and I'm starting to think that's the only way this can end.

You might not get a chance but at the moment you have more of a chance than you did before. Also you have had an opportunity to apologise for whatever you think deserves an apology, and have done so. I think whatever guilt you might feel now is going to be less than if you hadn't had this meeting. Also, don't start repeating apologies - that WILL come accross as weak and undesirable. You've both acknowledged taking each other for granted. If you move forwards together, then the focus should be on how not to take each other for granted.

 

I hope she is strong and fights for us but I can't see it. Never thought I could feel so depressed and just so angry with myself. I could get over her but this, I don't know how I can forgive myself and let my shortcomings go.

You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do. You can't change what's done, but you are treating her with dignity and respect now I think, and you are willing to work on your shortcomings. All of that is good. Keep going

[Raaawr]

Well in some ways your meeting sounded positive and encouraging. But there are also some things which I think you both need to reflect on.

 

 

Comes accross as a bit harsh. You're saying these things for her and the (possible) relationship also, otherwise what was the point in talking to her in the first place

 

I didn't wanna sound needy or desperate. I hope my tone of voice was better than my text.

 

Well, you don't know that. Sometimes we repeat mistakes. I would leave out comments about different girls or relationships. You're focused on this girl and this relationship at present.

 

Trust me. Those things and how I feel about myself looking back will never happen again. I hate the guy I have been lately. He's a complete tool. I also may, and by may I mean almost definitely, have written about "different girls" in the letter. Again, trying not to seem needy. Regret that now.

 

She's perhaps not facing the possible loss of you and the relationship yet. That's a consequence of you and her having continued communication, and especially because you're opening up to her about your feelings and behavior. If you and her do completely disconnect and part ways, she is likely to feel differently, but at that point it won't be something you should worry about.

 

I agree. She feels she holds all the cards and when I went against her plans she was surprised. I guess that's why she wants no contact until Sunday. To see if she can find out what it's like without me. My only worry is right now all her friends are rushing around her so she won't truly feel that for a few weeks when she is actually alone.

 

Might have been better to let her say more at this point. You need information as much as she does so when she offers it, let her.

ok!

 

That's good. Also easier said than done

 

Good, but then when she is, be careful about how you react, especially if she says something hurtful to you.

I never get upset when someone is honest with me.

 

I don't see that it was too soon. You can only try.

she doesn't want to give me false hope I think. Should I invite her to a local band then on Friday? Just do it really gently and give her options of escape or am I better doing nothing? I am worried that it may have seemed like I didnt want to do that with her but I dunno.

 

Common interests make it easier to spend time together but on their own don't necessarily make or break a relationship. I think what's important though is that you each have interests that you like, that you are passionate about, and that you take a genuine interest in each others activities.

 

Good that you both recognize that.

 

I feel I am the major culprit though ha.

 

This bit concerns me. It's not up to you to make her happy. You can help, just as you can do things to make her unhappy. But a happy relationship is something you both have to build together.

I think she means in the relationship. Not her actual happiness but her happiness of seeing and hearing from me. She said she doesnt have butterflies because of me anymore.

 

And this is a valid point. You both need to work together to avoid this possibility.

 

I dunno, I think the fear may take hold of her. I feel I need to do something to kick start her emotions and get over that fear.

 

This may well be the most significant point that makes everything else kind of moot. Why doesn't she see you in her future? What would you and what would she be working towards if not a future together? A future apart?

I don't know. She told me before she wouldn't marry me and when I pretended to be offended she said I was being ridiculous and she's not even thinking that far ahead but she doesn't see me as marriage material and she doesn't even want to get married or have kids til she is at least 35! I guess she felt I was pulling away and she put up Walls to protect herself. I don't know why she doesn't see me. She never spoke about the future before. I used to do that and she would give out saying let's focus on the now. Why the reversal has occurred I dont really know.

 

Good questions. Do you want to be part of her life while she figures that out, with the possibility that when she does, it's a life which she doesn't want you in, given what she said before? What about you? Where do you see yourself in 1, 5, 10 years and how could she fit into that?

In 5 years I see myself working for a games development company or doing digital effects for films. She's never planned ahead. Last year she dropped out of a course after 3 years and with encouragement started a new course in a totally new path. She's only 22 why is she so worried about the future.

 

 

I expect we all have that fear.

 

 

And how could you and her avoid that sort of situation?

first off I need to be more affectionate. Focus less on the negatives. Just be a warmer person.

Secondly the text messages have to stop. We text too often and don't talk on the phone enough. 90% of our fights have occurred through text.

Thirdly we need to go out more and just have fun in each others company. Get to know one another again and just relax.

Fourth we need to share more interests, branch out into more things. Take her to places she is interested in.

Yeah, except neither of you are happy now. Is there a way she can have her dream of going to America AND be in a relationship with you? And if that is an LDR, then that's often very difficult.

her America dream is gone from what I can see. Her and her best friend will no longer finish college at the same time so it's disappeared.

 

I'm not sure getting hung up on this No Contact business is useful. But still, if you've agreed to talk next week, and she wants to be left alone with her thoughts in the meantime, then fair enough if you respect that. You've got stuff to think about too.

 

I'm worried that next week will be it. I think we need to have some fun together before she makes a decision. I know she wants some alone time, but she wants it to see how happy/unhappy she could be. Girl friend of mine suggested I make her one of those little bunnys and post it to her. I'm liking the idea on one hand as she will never see it coming but I'm worried I'll be invading her space. But it could be the invasion I need. These bunnys are highly symbolic so don't underrate them!!

 

Don't worry about it. It might mean something, it might not. You've got more important things to think about.

true just when she hid relationship status on Facebook I figured she was erasing me.

 

Your feelings are still in flux, and will continue to be, which makes things very difficult for both of you at present. Now it's especially important to focus on what you and her want deep down, and not make important decisions based on feelings alone.

how do I explain that to her? Keep in mind I think she has Sunday set as decision day.

You might not get a chance but at the moment you have more of a chance than you did before. Also you have had an opportunity to apologise for whatever you think deserves an apology, and have done so. I think whatever guilt you might feel now is going to be less than if you hadn't had this meeting. Also, don't start repeating apologies - that WILL come accross as weak and undesirable. You've both acknowledged taking each other for granted. If you move forwards together, then the focus should be on how not to take each other for granted.

thanks man. I feel better after reading this. I won't repeat. I meant what I said I don't feel it needs repeating. Moving forward together is easier said than done. She still has to come around to that way of thinking and get past the fear.

 

Thoughts on the surprise bunny would be very much appreciated.

 

 

You're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do. You can't change what's done, but you are treating her with dignity and respect now I think, and you are willing to work on your shortcomings. All of that is good. Keep going

[Glowguy]

Ok stop and think about this for a second. What exactly did you do that was so bad? Do you really think you were a bad boyfriend? Did you truly neglect her? I doubt it. It's obvious from this post that you care about her a great deal and I'm sure she knows it. Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows and there are periods where one person feels neglected. Don't beat yourself up too much - It sounds like you gave it your best and I think did a decent job of trying to salvage it.

 

I just don't get the sense that she wants to continue. You'll have to come to terms with it my friend. If your relationship was not strong enough to survive a minor hiccup without her needing a break that it probably isn't what you are looking for. I think your gf is being immature and displaying a bit of princess syndrome here. I would cease any contact with her and let her fully feel the repercussions of her decision. A break is almost always a prelude to a full breakup. It is kind of cruel to put your partner through that. Please be aware that it is possible that she is out screwing other guys and having her fun. I know you don't want to believe it but it is very likely in this situation.

 

I think a break up is exactly what needs to happen here and you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck in your healing.

[Raaawr]

Ok stop and think about this for a second. What exactly did you do that was so bad?

I neglected some of her basic needs in various ways. Example being, she gave out to me once for forgetting to say I love you twice and instead of just apologizing I thought she was being ridiculous and instead told her she shouldn't need to her it every day and should know how I feel by now. Who does that? It was something she clearly needed and for no reason other than my own stupidity I denied it from her.

 

Do you really think you were a bad boyfriend?

First 18 months I was good, I can look back at those times and say "yeah I did a good job, I was as good as I could be". The last 4 months though? No. I wouldnt say I was bad by any means, but I certainly wasnt as good as I could have been

Did you truly neglect her?

I honestly did.

I doubt it. It's obvious from this post that you care about her a great deal and I'm sure she knows it. Every relationship goes through ebbs and flows and there are periods where one person feels neglected. Don't beat yourself up too much - It sounds like you gave it your best and I think did a decent job of trying to salvage it.

I appreciate your support, and in one small way I believe you are right but Im also wary of how I have made her feel. Shes a very very sensitive person. Im not finished trying to salvage it yet!

 

I just don't get the sense that she wants to continue. You'll have to come to terms with it my friend.

I dont know, I think she does on one hand but is afraid. I can come to terms with the relationships end eventually but Im not sure I can come to terms with how I behaved.

 

If your relationship was not strong enough to survive a minor hiccup without her needing a break that it probably isn't what you are looking for.

Wouldnt call it minor, seems like a culmination of a few problems that have been going on over time.

I think your gf is being immature and displaying a bit of princess syndrome here.

Ha yes, princess syndrome is something I would pin on her alright. Immaturity? Yes to an extent. I do believe her concerns are very real to her though.

I would cease any contact with her and let her fully feel the repercussions of her decision. A break is almost always a prelude to a full breakup. It is kind of cruel to put your partner through that. Please be aware that it is possible that she is out screwing other guys and having her fun. I know you don't want to believe it but it is very likely in this situation.

Nah shes not out screwing anyone. Ive calmly asked her if there is someone else, that if there was someone else that would be better than her just giving up on us but she was very clear there is no one so I believe that.

I think a break up is exactly what needs to happen here and you'll be better off in the long run. Good luck in your healing.

Thank you for your opinion, I appreciate your time and your views but right now I cant just sit back and let that happen.

[Glowguy]

That is admirable but it takes two to make a relationship work. For your sake I hope you realize sooner rather than later that all your effort may be wasted. Do what you have to do to get your closure but if she makes it clear to you that it is over then you'll need to accept it. She probably won't make it clear though since she wanted the break. I think she fully intends to string you along while she is looking for someone else. She may not have found someone yet you can bet that it will happen soon enough. Take a look at other posts about "breaks" and see how it ends up.

 

She has manipulated you into believing this is entirely your fault and I have the feeling that is very far from the truth. Take her off the pedestal and take your head out of the sand for your own sanity. I know you love the girl but if she really wants something else who are you to stop it from happening and why would you even want to?

[Raaawr]

She hasnt told me she wants something else. She just told me this isnt good enough. The girls confused, we had an argument and she made up her mind that we were finished. When she got infront of me she broke down and became doubtful. In her head she demonized me while we were fighting so it was an easy decision to make, but as soon as she said it to the person she broke down completely. I didnt beg, I didnt plead, she was dumping me and i was calmly asking her questions. I didnt give my thoughts until the very end. My efforts may well be wasted but what if they arent? If you felt you had a chance to get back the one you loved would you not take it? Im aware it may not work, but I can walk out of the relationship saying I tried, can she?

 

She has not manipulated anything. I took a look at myself and what I did and didnt do. Her unhappiness is my fault, she didnt force me to behave how I did. No shes not perfect but she didnt make me do anything. I dont understand your negativity.

[winniethepooh]

Hmmmm. Ok, I just read through both your topics again. I think you should also.

 

I'm getting a bad feeling that if you stay together at this point, it will just prolong the inevitable - which is that she is going to leave you, unless she really has a major shift in how she thinks relationships work (which might be happening more than how it comes accross in your posts, or might not), or you have a major shift in how you treat flaky women (which is how she comes accross).

 

I'm reading your description of the last meeting you had with her in a different light. Possibly. She's coming accross as feeling guilty because she wants to break up with you but you're a nice guy and she still cares about you. She doesn't have the heart to be brutal with you. So whilst you're trying to talk your way into a relationship, she's trying to talk her way out of one. You have to be careful here that you don't guilt trip her into continuing the relationship because it just won't last if guilt is the foundation of it.

 

I hate the guy I have been lately.

And yet in other posts you say you're a good guy and have a lot to offer. I believe you are. Does she?

 

Should I invite her to a local band then on Friday?

No. Go on your own or with other people.

 

I feel I am the major culprit though ha.

I'm not so sure.

 

She said she doesnt have butterflies because of me anymore.

These bloody butterflies again. And you want to send her bunnies also?

 

I dunno, I think the fear may take hold of her.

Yes, going back to your original point about her fear of breaking up in the near future, that's quite possible, even quite likely I think after reading everything again.

 

I feel I need to do something to kick start her emotions and get over that fear.

That makes no sense to me.

 

She told me before she wouldn't marry me and when I pretended to be offended she said I was being ridiculous and she's not even thinking that far ahead but she doesn't see me as marriage material and she doesn't even want to get married or have kids til she is at least 35!

Why did the subject of marriage come up in the first place? Do you see her as someone you want to marry?

 

I guess she felt I was pulling away and she put up Walls to protect herself.

Yes, and once they go up, it's pretty much impossible to take them down from the outside. You will need a lot of patience and energy. Patience and energy that might be much better directed towards healing, achieving your own goals, and meeting someone else who is more aligned with you in terms of how relationships work.

 

I don't know why she doesn't see me. She never spoke about the future before. I used to do that and she would give out saying let's focus on the now. Why the reversal has occurred I dont really know.

The focus on now for her is much less scary than the future. I don't follow what reversal you're talking about though.

 

She's never planned ahead. Last year she dropped out of a course after 3 years and with encouragement started a new course in a totally new path. She's only 22 why is she so worried about the future.

Ah. I sense a significant imbalance here, and one that I don't think is easy to resolve, if it's even possible. It depends much more on her than you at this stage.

 

first off I need to be more affectionate. Focus less on the negatives. Just be a warmer person.

Secondly the text messages have to stop. We text too often and don't talk on the phone enough. 90% of our fights have occurred through text.

Thirdly we need to go out more and just have fun in each others company. Get to know one another again and just relax.

Fourth we need to share more interests, branch out into more things. Take her to places she is interested in.

I think this stuff is important, and might make a difference in the short term. But it still misses the core issue of her attitude towards having a serious relationship with someone, and at present is likely to reinforce the doormat position you are in.

 

I'm worried that next week will be it.

Yes, I think it might be. And maybe you should take a bit of time to prepare yourself for that. Think about what memory of you that you want to leave her with (nothing soppy, no bunnies, minimum or no apologies, but no finger pointing at her either).

 

I think we need to have some fun together before she makes a decision.

I'm not sure that will make a lot of difference in the long term.

 

Girl friend of mine suggested I make her one of those little bunnys and post it to her.

Forget the blasted bunnies.

 

how do I explain that to her? Keep in mind I think she has Sunday set as decision day.

Well, you could try saying just what I wrote but I fear something like that is something she will have to learn in her own good time. Feelings are powerful drivers. If she bases her decisions on feelings, and you give her words as a contradiction, they will just be words, and sound weak in comparison. You're in a better position to assess whether or not she would be receptive to that. And maybe it's something you could say then give her time to let them sink in.

 

Moving forward together is easier said than done.

Oh yes

 

She still has to come around to that way of thinking and get past the fear.

Oh yes again But that's not the half of it. She's coming accross to me as very much a live in the moment kind of person. That attitude doesn't change quickly. And even if you get past this together, I fear her impulsiveness will mean she leaves you somewhere further down the road, for a flaky reason.

 

If she continues to test you as it seems she has been doing, you will fail sooner or later, and her reaction will be to walk away.

 

Sorry mate, I know I'm being less positive than I was in my previous post but I think you should reflect on this And remember, your perceptions are going to be distorted by your desires.

 

Thoughts on the surprise bunny would be very much appreciated.

What? Are you STILL talking about that ****ing bunny ?

[winniethepooh]

Ha yes, princess syndrome is something I would pin on her alright. Immaturity? Yes to an extent. I do believe her concerns are very real to her though.

A princess only lives happily ever after with her prince in the movies. In real life, a princess is a pain in the arse or leaves .

[Glowguy]

I dont understand your negativity.

 

I think I'm giving you an unbiased and very objective perspective from someone who is not emotionally involved in this. I fully understand your optimism but I believe it will change with time. Her unhappiness is most definitely not your fault. I think you've already taken a chance at getting her back and that you made a mistake in accepting the break. Your best chance is to turn the tables, preserve your dignity and break up with her rather than being stung along while she waffles back and forth and tries to make up her mind.

[Raaawr]

Sigh, those exact words were said to me earlier by the girl at work. I dont understand where you see her trying to talk out of one?

 

 

 

 

I do, but I didnt offer them and I hate myself for that. Yes she does have a lot to offer.

 

 

 

Going out with others on Saturday. Not everyone has money, I just thought it might be an idea since I blew off the cinema one.

 

 

 

 

Ha

 

 

 

Im leaning towards that being the most likely outcome as well.

 

 

Show her I care or something I dont know.

 

 

Cant even remember now. Was 4 or 5 months ago. I dont know who I want to marry. Im far too young to consider any of that.

 

 

 

I used to worry about the future, she was focused on the present. Im not on the present and she is worried about the future.

 

 

 

I dont understand.

 

 

I see, I dont completely agree. Unless there is issues going on here I dont even see.

 

 

 

I have thought of that already.

 

 

 

I disagree, but I am curious as to why you think that.

 

 

 

Ok.

 

 

I honestly dont know. So many people have turned negative today.

 

 

Which is something she is worried about.

 

 

What test?

 

 

I will, I have alot of time between now and Sunday.

 

Thank you.