I've lost trust in him, how do i handle this in the bedroom?

[broken1414]

I'm glad I could help. (If I did?!) When he starts initiating sex when I'm feeling like that, it's almost like it grosses me out. I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I feel like all I want him to do is hold me and somehow make me feel better about "us". When I feel better about "us", I will feel better about having sex again. I think, for him it's opposite. I think he wants that "make-up sex" in order to feel better about the relationship, like he needs to feel like I still love him and am still attracted to him. And, of course I DO still love him, and I AM still sttracted to him, just wired differently. I never want him to feel like I'm withholding sex on purpose as a "punishment" or anything, it's nothing like that at all! I WISH I could be one of those people that can have amazing, wild "make-up sex" and feel better afterwards, but I'm just not.

 

About a month after my ex and I broke up, he told me that he had cheated on me 4 years ago, during the first year of our relationship. Also I knew that by then he was sleeping with a new girl (or girls)....I wouldn't even let him hug me, or place his hand on my shoulder or anything. It just made my skin crawl, knowing that he had betrayed me like that. He would say something like, "Come here, let me give you a hug" and hold out his arms. The thought of his hands touching my skin, or his arms embracing me after knowing he had slept with someone else, just made me want to puke. I don't understand all those people out there who have been cheated on and still get back together with the person who cheated them - I would NEVER be able to kiss, hug, have sex with them ever again. I guess it's similar to when my bf and I have a relationship issue, just on a smaller scale. I want him to hug and kiss me, but the thought of sex makes my skin crawl, gives me huge anxiety, and makes me feel sick to my stomach.

[Lithp]

I can understand where you're coming from and I relate to it completely - I don't think it has anything to do with having a traumatic past. Some people are 'sticklers' for trust, honestly, respect, etc.. and can't just run back into the arms of a loved one after they have been betrayed. Any time one of my ex's would lie to me or disrespect me in some way I would instantly find them unattractive and physical contact was the furthest thing from my mind. From the tone of her posts it sounds as though she is planning on withholding sex from him because of his dishonesty and is worried about how that will affect the relationship rather than working on the actual issues that are causing her to not trust him.

 

It's one thing to lose attraction to someone after they have been dishonest or disrespectful towards you, but I think it's another thing when you allow those issues to continue while complaining that your relationship is unhealthy. There has to be action on her part to fix things or get out of the unhealthy relationship - simply withholding sex isn't going to cut it.