jessicalouise Posted December 15, 2011 Author Share Posted December 15, 2011 I have been crying a lot in work, but have still done my job, i think they expected me to go around smiling all the time and just get over it, but this is such a big thing in my life. They did get me in the office a week ago and said i had to sort myself out, so i really tried to be more positive, but this wasnt good enough, as for lossing weight i have lost over a stone am sleeping a bit better last couple of weeks, but i sometimes only have to look at my husband and think how could you do it and start crying, i am not normally this emotional. I do keep asking him why did you do it and he kleeps saying it was a drunken mistake, the biggest mistake he has made in his life, he sais he loves me and wants to make it work, but i just fel so low like if he loved me he wouldnt of done it, i just feel like im stuck and cant move on, I did tell him yesterday i dont know if i will ever forgive him, but he still wants to try and make it work, i do love him with all my heart but cant get these pics out of my head of how he kissed her and what they did together, i know i am punishing myself even more but how do i get these pics out of my head.b Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
im_the_undead Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 This literally just breaks my heart I can relate in many ways, and unfortunately, I have't been able to heal all of my wounds. But one thing that DID help me a little, was cry it out for a day or two, then force myself to not shed ONE MORE TEAR... say F HIM... think about other potential, positive, future relationships, and literally keep myself extra busy ! If you feel you can't trust him anymore, it may be time to live for yourself rather than for him...do what you gotta do ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 You are feeling the effects of his special brand of abuse. You must turn the tables on him and regain your self-esteem. Not doing so will rob you of your dignity and maybe your life. Secretly purchase James Dobson’s, “Love must be Tough” New hope for marriages in crisis. Never let him see this book. Search online for non-secular web books stores. (link removed, click more, scroll down, click adultery/infidelity) PS, Beware of big box secular books stores. They carry mostly useless, catchy titled books on marriage and infidelity. PS, Eat... maintain a healthily weight! Too skinny signals will weakness to your ignorant husband. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I totally understand how you felt at work. I don't think that they expected you to have a smile all the time, but they did expect that you would find ways to do your job, whether that be counseling, punching a pillow - whatever that is. Sometimes the best thing to do in this situations is to take some days off to regroup. Don't tell them that's what you are doing, but you need to take days off to attend to some business. It may seem worse moping at home, but you can return to work in somewhat a better frame of mind during the initial shock. It's not to do for every single upset but when its for something major, its worth doing. Now that its said in and done, really take the time to get yourself together, whether that means you go to a relative's house or a friends for a few days to get away from things or you end up going somewhere together to get away from it all to talk. But maybe you need to get away first. Go to support groups, get counseling. Also, remember to eat. Even if you have to set an alarm clock on your phone or force yourself. Start doing hobbies you used to love to do. The one that should have lost his job is him, not you. He really should have left that hotel job and gotten away from that all to save his marriage. It is going to take time before you even feel like addressing anything. And that's okay. I can't say what the future holds for your marriage whether it ends or there is a transformation after a time, but for now you have to take care of you and get strong. You will have to address this eventually - if you feel the marriage is worth saving, then he has to take steps too. PS, Beware of big box secular books stores. They carry mostly useless, catchy titled books on marriage and infidelity. PS, Eat... maintain a healthily weight! Too skinny signals will weakness to your ignorant husband. There are some great books available at Barnes & Noble, etc, including the one you mention. Not all books are use less. She can easily find one that suits her online and then buy it at the store.There is no magic bullet as far as books go. there are many helpful titles but counseling and eating come way first. And "signaling her weakness" - don't worry about your husband. Who cares if he think you are weak or not - feel how you feel. It is not a game to be played. Just get help, okay? I was put on some meds temporarily to induce appetite I was so bad. Worry about you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 I make sweeping statements. Sorry, search wherever you please. In the early days of my crisis I rushed to the secular bookstores, but they didn't help. When I tried to put into practice some of their advice it pushed her even further away. Thumbing through some of them tonight I tried to find out why. Each has some good advice but overall something is missing. The best way to describe it is they make you feel empowered through “fresh” technique. There’s nothing new or fresh about having a loving marriage. Either way, they failed me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 well here i am 10 weeks down the line, still cry everyday, stupid things make me cry, i love my husband and cant get my head round what he has done, and with no reason except being drunk. He said he knew it was wrong when they were kissing so why did he let it go further, all he keeps saying is he dosnt know. People have advised to spend time apart with family or friends, but i live in a foreign country and have no family here, and friends are not the same as the ones i have in my native country. Also why is it that i am the 1 suffering he dosnt want to have sex, should it not be the other way round? I feel so confused i cant think straight, and as i live in a holiday resort am scared of this girl coming back because we have a lot of return holiday makers what do i do then, she knew he was married, he wasnt the first that she had in her room, just wish it hadnt happened on her last night then maybe i could of confronted her, might of made me feel better, he sais he cant even remember what she looks like Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 You really need to clear your head for awhile. Hopefully you will get out there and get any type of job available, anything that will get you away from your husband for long enough to figure this out. If you need to, find a roommate. I don't think you will ever get over this without getting away where you don't have to look at him. I would never be able to settle right back down and pretend nothing had happened. I don't think you will either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 It's not about your husband or other women. It's about what you want your marriage to be. Distance/Going away to think about what you want is a great idea. Going away by itself changes nothing. If he chases it will demonstrate a level of commitment but it won't erase the issues you have with this man and your marriage to him? Decide what kind husband, marriage and life you want. Force it upon him now. If he doesn't agree... that's your answer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted December 20, 2011 Author Share Posted December 20, 2011 he keeps saying its me he wants, but im finding it hard to forgive i cant get these images out of my head because i have seen this girl, he dosnt know why he did everything was fine in our relationship, i keep asking why but he cant answer, then on top of all this loosing my job as well everything getting on top of me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HeartGoesOn Posted December 20, 2011 Share Posted December 20, 2011 I feel so confused i cant think straight, and as i live in a holiday resort am scared of this girl coming back because we have a lot of return holiday makers what do i do then, she knew he was married, he wasnt the first that she had in her room, just wish it hadnt happened on her last night then maybe i could of confronted her, might of made me feel better, he sais he cant even remember what she looks like More importantly, HE knew he was married. Having said that, how would confronting her make you feel better? The issue of making you feel better, as well as re-gaining your trust is a job that lies in his hands. Either way, you have a long road ahead, but keep in mind that you can't do this on your own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted December 31, 2011 Author Share Posted December 31, 2011 well the new year is here, lets hope its a better one than the last and i can start forgiving my husband happy new year everyone and thanks for the advice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 well last night this girl happened to phone me, and told me how sorry she is, and to tell me the truth about what happened that night, she said he was very drunk, they went up to her room, they didnt have sexual intercourse because he couldnt get a hard on, but they had oral sex, he has now admitted it, and i dont know what the hell to do, i begged for the truth and said i hope you havnt put me at risk right from me finding out about him being with this woman, he said he couldnt tell me cause he was so ashamed, i dont know wether to leave or try and work through it please help Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 Oh hun =( it's terribly obvious what you need to do- divorce him. This behaviour (the lying, cheating and disrespect) will never stop. Don't think it will suddenly get better, or that he'll suddenly change and respect you properly. If you stay with him you're giving him the green light to continue to treat you horribly. I know it's hard when you're in the situation and you love him and you don't want to let go. And a million thoughts are going through your head, and you'll kinda in a trance and you try to convince yourself that things will be different, that he'll change. But he won't. Now are you really going to hang around for more of this, or are you going to let go and have the opportunity to find somebody who will cherish you and treat you right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lalalollipops Posted January 14, 2012 Share Posted January 14, 2012 And it's not your fault. Your husbund cheated bc sth was wrong with HIM. You can be the perfect wife, lover, friend and they can still cheat for various reasons. It took me over 16 months to get over most of the pain. Believe me, I wouldn't have EVER thought it'd take me that long. The guy really damaged me, and he gave me alot of emotional issues. But at least I ended the cycle! I'm free! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted January 14, 2012 Author Share Posted January 14, 2012 i love him so much, but hate what hes done, i have a 10 year old daughter who idolises her dad and if i leave he wont see her as we live in a foreign country and i would go back to my country, he keeps telling me how sorry he is and dosnt know why he did it, was the drink, but surely there is a reason for choices you make in life Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lester Posted January 16, 2012 Share Posted January 16, 2012 Don't talk to this other "women". Screen your calls. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zuri Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 oh god. I'm so sorry you're going through this mess Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Baily Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 He made a bad move, but presuming guilty before knowing for sure is a BIG leap. Why were you not out with him seeing he was in town? (noting that you state he's gone all the time) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Firecracker Posted January 17, 2012 Share Posted January 17, 2012 He made a bad move, but presuming guilty before knowing for sure is a BIG leap. Why were you not out with him seeing he was in town? (noting that you state he's gone all the time) With a small child? Really? Presuming? He spent the night away from his family in a hotel without any warning. Of course she knew he was cheating. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 With a small child? Really? Presuming? He spent the night away from his family in a hotel without any warning. Of course she knew he was cheating. as i said in my earlier posts he is a singer, he stayed behing afterwards had been drinking all night, she was a holiday maker staying at the hotel, and yes she knew he was married she had met me 3 days before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 How did she get your number to call you and why did she suddenly decide to call you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jessicalouise Posted January 18, 2012 Author Share Posted January 18, 2012 dont know how she got mu number, she wanted to clear her guilt what a joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RadicalDreamer Posted January 18, 2012 Share Posted January 18, 2012 i love him so much, but hate what hes done, i have a 10 year old daughter who idolises her dad and if i leave he wont see her as we live in a foreign country and i would go back to my country, he keeps telling me how sorry he is and dosnt know why he did it, was the drink, but surely there is a reason for choices you make in life To be perfectly honest, you have the right to go wherever you want. He's messed up, he knows he has, and if he has any integrity remaining, he'd realize that your forgiveness is not a foregone conclusion. He'd know that even if you can forgive him, that there's every chance that you wouldn't be able to take him back. This should be a humbling experience for him, to say the least. If you choose to divorce him, you would be right to do so. If you choose to move away, you have every right to do so as well. Think of it this way- his infidelity was not your decision, it's his. And it's on him to figure out how to adapt. So let's say you do move away, spend some time apart. If he wants to remain part of his daughter's life (and there's no reason he shouldn't, even if that means visitations or joint-custody,) he'll go to whatever country or whatever corner of the globe he has to to make that happen. It's his responsibility to figure this out, not yours. Don't let him put that burden on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
metrogirl Posted January 19, 2012 Share Posted January 19, 2012 dont know how she got mu number, she wanted to clear her guilt what a joke I doubt it had anything to do with her guilt and probably more to do with rubbing it in your face. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmom Posted February 17, 2016 Share Posted February 17, 2016 I have been crying a lot in work, but have still done my job, i think they expected me to go around smiling all the time and just get over it, but this is such a big thing in my life. They did get me in the office a week ago and said i had to sort myself out, so i really tried to be more positive, but this wasnt good enough, as for lossing weight i have lost over a stone am sleeping a bit better last couple of weeks, but i sometimes only have to look at my husband and think how could you do it and start crying, i am not normally this emotional. I do keep asking him why did you do it and he kleeps saying it was a drunken mistake, the biggest mistake he has made in his life, he sais he loves me and wants to make it work, but i just fel so low like if he loved me he wouldnt of done it, i just feel like im stuck and cant move on, I did tell him yesterday i dont know if i will ever forgive him, but he still wants to try and make it work, i do love him with all my heart but cant get these pics out of my head of how he kissed her and what they did together, i know i am punishing myself even more but how do i get these pics out of my head.b I completely understand. My husband disrespected me with the neighbor girl and 10 months later. I am still not "over it". I know the right thing to do is to forgive and love unconditionally. As God loves us and forgives us. But then I think, is it a forgiving situation? My husband disrespected me and I believe he hates me. How do I forgive someone for not loving me? I keep ruminating over the same event in my head over and over again. The pain is never ending. I no longer see a future with this person and am deeply hurt, because after 24yrs of being together, this is the point our marriage is at. It all could've been avoided. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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