Month plus NC advice needed

[lsuslu]

I will try to not write a book here!

 

Background,

Dated for 1, 7 months. Im 31 she is 26. She has a 5 year old son. We have had our ups and downs throughout this relationship. Her background is her father died when she was 12, bf died in fire in highschool, and then she got pregnant at 19. Stuck it out with baby's dad for 3 years then he came home one day and told her that he cheated on her and to move out. Bad pass male history. We were friends before and finally hooked up one night. Things started out ok but she backed off a little. I understand this due to her son. She won't bring anyone around her son that she doesn't trust. It took her about 2 months to allow me around him. We got serious at this point, and continued on. We broke up in august and went NC.......for about a week. Walked into her at a bar and we got back together unofficially. Took her out on another "first date" and had a great time. In October we got into it again and she said it's done done. She says she cares about me, loves me but doesn't want a realationship with me anymore. We have had some sex issues when I started a new job in march as i was stressed out. I know this hurt her very bad. This is not a gigs thing as she wouldn't bring another guy around her kid this quickly after us.

 

I have been NC for a month plus now. People have told me she seems happy and is out partying with coworkers. I have also heard friends say that she thinks I'm stalking her. Not true! I rejoined the gym and am doing my best to stay busy.

 

I really want to talk to her but I know that will push her farther away. She is going out and spending time in a close to where she works, 40 mins away, to avoid me.

 

Im not sure what to do? Each day helps but she is on my mind everyday. There is more to this story. I know in my heart to leave her be right now. She has her son in school and soccer. She is back in college on a grant, and works full time to support herself and child. I really want to believe she pushed me out due to stress.

 

Advice?

[bdbmwer]

well from the looks of it this girl has a TON on her plate. whether she pushed you out because of stress or other reasons the important thing to note is that she did it. So I say give her her space. youre doing good with NC so far keep it up. Might I ask how soon you started romantic interactions with her after her breakup with her babys daddy? this could have been a rebound. the fact that she thinks youre stalking her is definitely not good and even more reason to stay the path. keep improving and if she misses you then awsome!, if she doesnt well atleast youre a strong,healed, improved man right? =)

good luck!

[lsuslu]

She was 22 when he kicked her out. I met her about almost 2 years after. Her son was 4 and about to have his 5th bday. She was 24 when I met her. So I doubt rebound. We both had FWB before she and I met. She is stubborn, super independent. I see her turn to alcohol when she's stressed and it worries me. Dated a girl for 4 years before her and watched her mother pass from alcoholism. This ex I will say is a fantastic mother, bends over backwards to make her son happy. It took her to the end of our relationship to open up about getting married and having another child. I feel like there was walls that were still up on her end.

 

I have a good career now but my work is slipping somewhat. Living alone with a cat she insisted I take in(dog lover!) doesn't help. Their was no anger when we broke up the second time and I even proposed. She cried and said no. Tells her friends that it " wasn't meant to be, and she knew it". Feel like thats a bs excuse myself but it is what it is. Not the greatest proposal by anymeans.

 

I love her and her child. Miss them greatly. I am doing my best to move on, but damn this is tough. I have been on a date or two and my heart just wasn't there. Guess stick with NC? I know from this site and others to just let her be and chasing will push her farther away. Grrrrr. This sucks when u want to be there for her.

[bdbmwer]

I understand where youre coming from completely. My ex started cutting myself after our break up as she had before in a really dark time and I was her rock in her rather downer life with a bad family interactions and tons of mental/ physical problems she had and it sucked because I wanted us to get back so i oculd just comfort her. But fact of the matter is thats no longer our job as they left us so the best thing we can do is give them that space and wish the best for them. Sounds like you might have proposed because you noticed her slipping away? which id advise against and im sure theres more to it than she just felt it wasnt meant to be . But im sure BECAUSE of those other things she ultimately felt that yes it just wasnt meant to be. Sounds like you got the right thought process though good job. Stay the course of NC and let her realize herself all shes leaving behind.

 

i know youll hear this countless times but I promise it does get better.

[lsuslu]

Thanks bdbmwer. This site and everyone's advice is keeping me strong!! Other opinions or advice from other members?

[Scuza]

Stick with NC. It might make her realize that something's missing and that something is you, and she might come back.

Or, she might not, in which case NC will help you heal and get yourself back on track.

It's a win-win solution.

Stay strong. Like bdbmwer said, it does get better.

[lsuslu]

Not my first rodeo. I dated a girl at the tail end of college for 4 years. Went through Katrina together and much much more. I did everything stupid to get her back. For this girl I'm trying to do it smart and leave her alone. This relationship was much deeper and we saw each other almost every day. She literally lives 5 mins down the road!! So many temptations to drive there and talk to her!! I know this is probably the worst thing I could do, so I won't allow it to happen. I am focusing on the negative aspects of her and trying to use that as my strength. I find reading and writing on here is a HUGE stress relief and will continue to do so to find peace and healing.

 

Thanks members!

[lsuslu]

Bump. Anymore advice? We both have a ton of mutual friends and I'm worried about what to do if I run into her somewhere. We go to the same places as we live in a smaller town. Her friends have told me to move on which is what I'm trying to do. I guess she is in this "relief" stage.

[bdbmwer]

id say try to go out with a group of friends with as little connection to her as possible. and if you do see her then say hi smile and carry on walking by dont try to strike up conversation unless she blatantly initiates it. and even then if it doesnt have meaningful substance then make an excuse to continue on as if you are unaffected by her

[Ms Darcy]

Do you in your heart of hearts think she was actually in love with you>?

[lsuslu]

Yes I believe she was in love with me. Her actions spoke louder than words. She allowed me around her child which was huge for her to bring another guy, not his dad, into his life. There was alot of small things she did that I always took notice of. I didn't realize until close to the end that she put herself in alot of debt paying for bday and Christmas presents, along with concerts and other stuff. I feel horrible for this and it hurt my pride cause I could have paid! She "made" me come to her sons graduation and baptism. She took me to her fathers grave. Like I said, little things. So yes I truly believe she loved me, not looking for a father for her son cause his dad is very much part of their life.

[lsuslu]

Another day of missing her. Sigh One good day 2 bad. Keeping the NC. Tough when the holidays come about.

[bdbmwer]

you will have ups and you will have downs but what youll notice is as time passes they become less extreme until they just flatline

[lsuslu]

Leaving the bar. Want to drive over or contact her so bad. Not going too.