winniethepooh Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 I just don't feel like it's totally over between us. That's a feeling. Feelings change, feelings are not rational. It reflects your desire to be with her. I dunno... that sounds stupid I'm sure given that she's with someone new, but there is this chemistry there (hate that word) and real attraction still. You wouldn't have been with her in the first place if there wasn't some sort of chemistry. She told me she made herself stop caring because she thought I was gonna break up. She can't make herself stop caring any more than you can. But you and/or her can do things that change that caring feeling. But you are not in a position now to influence her feelings, except by leaving her alone. And that will influence her feelings. She's a relationship jumper, I know that, and I want her to come back. Do you really want to be in a relationship with a relationship jumper? You might be posting on here for many years to come ... She can't/won't if I'm totally out of her life. Does that make any sense? No. She might, she might not. You don't know. What you do know is that continuing to contact her WILL push her away from you. No matter how you do it, no matter what she says. Especially because there's now someone else on the scene. Keep fighting that urge. Look for stories on here from people who tried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Well, it was a bad idea to see her in the first place, you're just making it easier for her and harder for you. And now, if you interfere in her current relationship, it only makes things worse for you, no matter how that works out. If she leaves him for you because of your interference, then she might always wonder what if she hadn't. And you will always wonder what if she leaves you for someone else again. Leave her (and him) alone. She once told me that when we're together she wants to be with me, but when we're apart she gets doubts. I know why too - it's because we are great together, but I made her feel insecure and made her think the relationship wasn't going anywhere. If she left me for him (which I think is v unlikely at this moment) it wouldn't be the case anymore. I'd make her feel secure and tell her exactly how I feel... plus we'd have all the attraction still. That may be the case, but the reasons for her desire to see you are not good ones. Especially for you. Why do you think she wants to see me? So she's confused, and sorting out her confusion alone. You have to respect that by leaving her alone. I don't think she is sorting anything. She has just shut off and jumped into this new relationship... Yes, right now you are terribly cut up. Fix that first. Alone. And then you might be in a better position to treat a great girl in the future better That might be your ex, that might be someone else. But if you're not better, then you'll end up in the same place again as you are now. The thing is, I am cut up because I made a mistake. I shouldn't (and needn't) have lost this girl, but I did out of my own stupidity. I treated her well, but we just didn't communicate. At all. I can't believe that it's over because I didn't tell her how I felt... Also, I don't understand how it could possibly be her if we are totally cut off from each others' lives. We don't have mutual friends, we won't just bump into each other... if this girl is the one (which is what I believe) and I have messed it up, surely I have to take steps to fix it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 She can't make herself stop caring any more than you can. But you and/or her can do things that change that caring feeling. But you are not in a position now to influence her feelings, except by leaving her alone. And that will influence her feelings. But people talk about NC as a way to get over someone. That's what she is doing to me. She won't miss me if she has someone new... she will just remember all the bad stuff about how I told her I didn't want a serious relationship, etc. All the good stuff - the fun, the attraction, (and now my desire for a proper relationship) will all fade because she told me as much by saying she wanted to be with me when we were together but didn't when we were apart... Do you really want to be in a relationship with a relationship jumper? You might be posting on here for many years to come ... I could / should have been more open with her and then she would have opened up to me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironman73 Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 NC is important to not only get over someone, but also to get back together. It helps air out the dirty laundry and allows you to see things from a different perspective The deal is, she is in another relationship now. And if you try to meet up with her, you will smother her and irritate her and she will run the other way. That book is totally wrong. But don't forget, she is also in the honeymoon phase now of this new relationship- it is new and exciting and fun. But, it will fade away once she sees reality. Every relationship has a honeymoon phase in the beginning as you are on your best behaviors, but it has an ending. You need to wait until more time has past and the novelty has worn off. Give it 6 months. I know that it sounds like forever. I am currently in your exact same situation. But 6 months is enough time to really give it some thought. And feel her out then- as her out for some coffee. If you really do love her, then you can tell her that for the last 6 months you have been thinking about her. But if you try to contact her now, she will get irritated and think it is a knee jerk response. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 That's it though, we were that good. It ended because I screwed up. If I had just had a bit more clarity and stopped playing games and told her how much she meant to me... Seriously, time to get your head out of your arse. You weren't that good together. You didn't appreciate her while you had her and likely just want her back because now you can't have her. Regardless the fat lady has sung and it's over. Time to move on and heal yourself. Learn from the mistakes you made here and apply the lessons to the next relationship. And I know we all do it, but you will not attract anyone with the woe is me attitude including your ex. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Seriously, time to get your head out of your arse. You weren't that good together. You didn't appreciate her while you had her and likely just want her back because now you can't have her. Regardless the fat lady has sung and it's over. Time to move on and heal yourself. Learn from the mistakes you made here and apply the lessons to the next relationship. And I know we all do it, but you will not attract anyone with the woe is me attitude including your ex. Yeah, we were that good. And I did appreciate her, I just didn't communicate it to her properly. I was arrogant about the relationship and that made me careless. I know I won't attract her like this. But then, I'm not like this (or rather wasn't like this) when I saw her. I was how I always was with her - fun, confident, etc. She doesn't see this side of me. I'm afraid it's just ENA where I look this pathetic... so I apologise. I really dunno what to say. Trust me, I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to want her this much. If she had just ditched me, fine. But this was avoidable, this was my fault for not giving her any security in the relationship. Because of that, because I don't truly believe she wanted the relationship to end, because I know she didn't lose attraction for me, because she thought she wasn't going to get what she needed from me... because of all those things, I think there has to be a way back. And you know, I don't know how I can lose that hope. If I plan to contact her in three months time, once the 'honeymoon' phase of the new relationship is fading, I am just going to hope for those three months. I don't feel the fat lady has sung... maybe that's delusional, but I dunno - I don't think so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liraele Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 By continuing to see her and give her those "good" feelings in a platonic sense, you're enabling her to have that AND her new relationship. If she has that with you, and something is lacking in her current relationship, that could very well cover it up and make her ignore it, rather than "see the light" and wish she was with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thats OK man. We all go through the stage you are going through right now. It's natural to be in denial but that will change in time. Eventually it will clue in that she's DATING AND SLEEPING WITH another guy. Once that really sinks in, you'll be ready to start healing. I wish you the best of luck, I sincerely do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 winniethepoohs line by line responses are excruciating to read. I don't get your point. Is there a problem? I think you can add my name to an ignore list in your profile, then you don't have to read them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 For what it's worth, it works for me! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Thats OK man. We all go through the stage you are going through right now. It's natural to be in denial but that will change in time. Eventually it will clue in that she's DATING AND SLEEPING WITH another guy. Once that really sinks in, you'll be ready to start healing. I wish you the best of luck, I sincerely do. The thing is, I already know she is screwing someone else. I don't know that I am in denial... or if I am, I don't know how I can get out of it. The fact that she's with this guy makes perfect logical sense to me. I'd have done the same thing in her shoes (except probably not a dude...) She thought there was no future, got over me and moved on. But I know that she's not totally over me. Maybe she doesn't have to be totally over me for our relationship to be finished for good? I dunno. But I can't kill the feeling that she still has feelings. I know that to anyone reading this, what I write probably sounds totally crazy and deluded. I can see that. I just don't know how I am going to fully get rid of the hope that things might work out in the future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 By continuing to see her and give her those "good" feelings in a platonic sense, you're enabling her to have that AND her new relationship. If she has that with you, and something is lacking in her current relationship, that could very well cover it up and make her ignore it, rather than "see the light" and wish she was with you. I know you'll eventually get bored of my countering every point you make... But the way I see it is this: at the moment, what she wants/wanted from this new guy is the whole stable, committed, relationship thing. What she and I had was great sex, great chemistry, great conversation. Maybe the two of them have that too, but I doubt it's as good. The thing is, she feels she's ready to settle down and she didn't think I was going to give her that... so she moved to someone who (kept on telling her he) was ready. In other words, I don't think she's feel something is 'lacking' in her current relationship. She might miss what we had, but it'd be a payoff for having the serious relationship she thought I didn't want. I think the only way I'll get her back is if I keep seeing her and she thinks 'hey, we still have all that good stuff... the chemistry, etc... plus he actually wants a proper relationship'. Which is a ridiculously long shot, I know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 Your situation is fairly common. A lot of people have trouble letting go. But time will take care of that for you eventually whether you want it to or not. Think of it this way, you're an addict who needs his fix but can't get it. No matter what, even if the addict doesn't want to, he will get over his addiction if he doesn't get any more of the drug. It will be painful, but it will happen. That will happen for you too. Best of luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liraele Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 That's my point. You're giving her the parts of you that she DIDN'T have in your relationship - while she's in a relationship with someone else. She's having her cake and eating it too, intentionally or not. You showed her that you can be that guy, but she can't "miss" that or even really crave that relationship when you're still there giving her what she wanted even though she's with someone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KronicMan Posted November 22, 2011 Share Posted November 22, 2011 if you really want her back, you should call her and text her every day and profess your undying love and how you will wait for her until the new relationship fizzles out...good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 if you really want her back, you should call her and text her every day and profess your undying love and how you will wait for her until the new relationship fizzles out...good luck! Sarcasm, yeah? I guess I need it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironman73 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Can i ask you something- how are you so nonchalant that she is screwing another guy? My BF broke up with me and the thought of him banging another woman (although I am 99% positive he has not done so) is so physically painful. How do you get over that? I think that I may post this as another thread... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 You miss her so much because you feel as though you were at fault for the demise of the relationship. And seeing that she's moved on already you feel a sense of guilt, that you've driven her away and into the arms of someone else because you couldn't give her what she needed. With very limited information about the relationship, it's hard to provide a good assessment of things. But just know that everybody makes mistakes in relationships. Take your notes, jot them down to memory and the next time try not to repeat those same mistakes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Can i ask you something- how are you so nonchalant that she is screwing another guy? My BF broke up with me and the thought of him banging another woman (although I am 99% positive he has not done so) is so physically painful. How do you get over that? I think that I may post this as another thread... Honestly? Because I think I'm likely to be better. Also, I know she didn't leave me because the sex was bad - she told me she still loved it, etc. So... I dunno... it's not what I worry about. I'm more upset about the idea of the ******* cuddling her afterwards... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 You miss her so much because you feel as though you were at fault for the demise of the relationship. And seeing that she's moved on already you feel a sense of guilt, that you've driven her away and into the arms of someone else because you couldn't give her what she needed. With very limited information about the relationship, it's hard to provide a good assessment of things. But just know that everybody makes mistakes in relationships. Take your notes, jot them down to memory and the next time try not to repeat those same mistakes. Yeah, I don't see myself ever making a similar mistake again. But that's seriously cold comfort right now. All I want is to rectify this mistake and get her back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ironman73 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I feel you. I don't want to imagine my ex cuddling someone else. And I know that I eff'd my ex-bf like a porn star. He told me that I was the best he ever had and he was probably never going to find my equal. But I guess that it wasn't really enough... But you have to let her come back. If you hover around waiting for her, she will hate you for it. My exhusband did that for me. And it accelerated the bad feelings I had for him. If he had any hope for me at all, it was completely dashed by his incessant I love you texts and etc.. I found them irritating and emotionally draining. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 You miss her so much because you feel as though you were at fault for the demise of the relationship. And seeing that she's moved on already you feel a sense of guilt, that you've driven her away and into the arms of someone else because you couldn't give her what she needed. With very limited information about the relationship, it's hard to provide a good assessment of things. But just know that everybody makes mistakes in relationships. Take your notes, jot them down to memory and the next time try not to repeat those same mistakes. Oh and on the off chance you'd like to wade through my car crash... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Sarcasm, yeah? I guess I need it. Thank goodness you recognized that. There have been people on here that would take that kind of advice seriously (look up IceFireSoul for example). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 I know you'll eventually get bored of my countering every point you make... I know your comment was directed at someone else, but do you realise you're going around in circles? You're using different words to make the same points, and the replies all boil down to much the same thing. She's with someone else and the best thing you can do is leave her alone and heal. The worst thing you can do is to contact her at the moment. You know, I was talking about my own situation to a friend a while ago, and even though I thought I wasn't, he pointed out that I was still "bargaining." It's hard to see it for yourself, much easier when you're observing someone else. You come accross as in something of a "denial" and "bargaining" stage - you're desperately looking for straws to clutch. I'm sorry for you, I really am, but I don't see any straws that will help you. You're in the middle of the pond and have to start swimming to shore now. On your own Read through this whole topic again, from the beginning, slowly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Milsch Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 And you believe this is categorically true, for all break ups when there's someone else in the picture? That's a genuine question btw. If I felt she had lost attraction, I had become needy, I had smothered her with attention and she wanted out, if any of those had happened, I don't think there would be any argument from me that any further contact was simply hurting my chances and hurting me (although I'd like to leave the 'healing' side out of this for now). But is the aftermath of emotional neglect - which is what my actions boiled down to - the same thing? She didn't feel overwhelmed by my attention, when we saw each other she had a great time and wanted to see me again, there is/was still attraction. Of course she has chosen this guy over me now and I have to accept that she's not going to come running back anytime soon. But are attempts to see her, to re-open lines of communication and to show her that she means a lot to me (something she may actually not even believe still) really 'the worst thing' I could do? If we were talking purely about my emotional well-being and 'healing', I would accept the "NC" route. But in terms of reconciliation... surely there has to be some contact? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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