berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I've had issues with my boyfriend recently about him speaking to other women, specifically his ex-girlfriend. I finally had the courage to stand up for myself and tell him either he stops speaking to other women or I leave. He promised to stop speaking to them and said he wanted for me to be less controlling of him. Things have been great for a few days until yesterday when we were on the phone and he abruptly hung up after I asked where he was. I followed this up by getting upset and accusing him of lying to me about his whereabouts. 30 minutes later he called to say he was at the pharmacy and because he didn't want to fight with me over the phone he hung up. Wouldn't it have been simpler if he had just told me where he was? He then followed up this mini argument by repeating over and over that he doesn't want to be together. He does this every time we have even the smallest of fights. I just can't understand why he always wants to bolt when things get slightly rough. It just makes no sense to me why someone would react in this way. Every time he does this, my reaction is always the same, I plead with him and tell him how much I love him and don't want to lose him or the relationship. It's getting sort of borderline pathetic. I'm always begging and I find myself apologizing for things that were never my fault in the first place. He always turns the point of argument on me and says it was my fault that it had happened and then he follows up by saying "it's over". Every time, like clockwork. How can I break this cycle? I just want to deal with my relationship like normal people do, they fight they make up, they learn, they grow stronger. I really love him and am in it for the long haul but I just don't know how to deal with him always wanting to bolt! (We've been together for 3 years, it's been like this for the past year) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I just can't understand why he always wants to bolt when things get slightly rough. It just makes no sense to me why someone would react in this way. Every time he does this, my reaction is always the same, I plead with him and tell him how much I love him and don't want to lose him or the relationship. You answered your own question here--he does this because the payoff is you begging and pleading for him to stay. He always turns the point of argument on me and says it was my fault that it had happened and then he follows up by saying "it's over". Every time, like clockwork. How can I break this cycle? By changing your response. Next time he pulls this, say "Ok, fine." And walk away. Don't argue, don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. See what he does then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 I always have those thoughts of what if he doesn't ever call again? I know as they say, if it's meant to be, he will come back. I just feel like I don't have it in me to back off because he always makes me feel like the problem is me and things are my fault so I have the constant need to apologize and make him feel like I love him and would do anything for him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I always have those thoughts of what if he doesn't ever call again? So what if he doesn't? Do you really want to stay with a guy who only stays with you because you begged him to? Think about it. But I suspect that won't be the case here. You're in a dynamic, a cycle, where he pulls away and you push. He's counting on that cycle, so he doesn't really want to leave (well, at least as far as the dynamic goes). I just feel like I don't have it in me to back off because he always makes me feel like the problem is me and things are my fault so I have the constant need to apologize and make him feel like I love him and would do anything for him. No one is making you feel anything. You're allowing him to make you feel that way. Which is why he keeps relying on this dynamic to keep you begging. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosie smith Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 don't beg him for anything he is either willing to work things out with you or he is not and secondly i really don't think you should be telling him who he can or not talk to you, firstly he is with you and not his ex, and even if she wants him back it does not mean he will go back to her and let me tell you a secret my ex also told me his rebound/relationship did not want us talking anymore so I have gone along with it cause I know this girl is doing it as a control thing but I also know that my ex will regret us not talking sooner or later, especially when her control gets worse over him during the up coming months, so just think about it cause sometimes it is just how you play the game with people and if your b/f feels like you are controlling him all that will happen is that he will end up walking out on you anyway either sit down and talk to him about everything or just leave him alone and see what happens, but begging is not the answer, nore is telling him who he can and not talk to good luck with everything, sorry if I sound really harsh but if you love this guy you need to change the way you are with him Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 You answered your own question here--he does this because the payoff is you begging and pleading for him to stay. By changing your response. Next time he pulls this, say "Ok, fine." And walk away. Don't argue, don't beg, don't plead. Leave him alone. See what he does then. I won't comment on your relationship but I will caution you about trying the "fine, if you want to break up we are broken up ploy" A lot of times this backfires and you're left swinging in the breeze. So unless you are prepared to live with the consequences, it's never a good idea to call someone on their bluff. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Eocsor, can you clarify what you mean by that please? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RubyWoo Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I could have written your post. My ex did exactly the same, threatening to leave me as soon as I searched for compromise in something. Throwing tantrums and me begging and pledding. So many times sobbing "please tell me what I have done wrong?" Emotional abuse. Guess where he is now two months after leaving me and moving out? Between someone else's legs. Your story sounds so familiar. I am absolutely devastated right now, but in hindight sometimes I wish I had had the courage to leave him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Its a control tactic to get his own way. If you dont agree with me Im out the door. He is using your love for him as a bargaining chip to get what he wants. Either call his bluff or deal with it for life, because he is having success with it, so he isnt going to stop. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 His latest response to everything is "im done dealing with this bs" ... I just don't know how to respond anymore. He definitely wants his cake and to eat it too and knows that his tactic works with me. He knows exactly how to ruffle my feathers and get away with it but how am I supposed to call his bluff?? So confused ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 berry01, The thing you have to realize is that it doesn't really matter if the bluff backfires (what Eocsor meant was that if you change your response and say "Ok" when he does this to you, it may actually be the end). Again, do you really want to be in a relationship where your partner is only with you because you're begging him to be? If calling his bluff works, you change the cycle. If it backfires, the cycle is still broken because the relationship will be over. Either way it's win/win because if you're only together out of this manipulative dynamic, I can promise you 100% the relationship won't last anyway. He knows exactly how to ruffle my feathers and get away with it but how am I supposed to call his bluff?? So confused ... Really? You have no idea how to call his bluff even though we've just told you how to do so? He only gets away with this because you're letting him. Quit being a victim. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 My last message to him was, "I don't think your being fair but I respect your wishes" and then he responds "Whatever, I am done dealing with this bs". Sometimes I feel as though I am dealing with a child despite the fact that we are both adults. So I guess I've made an attempt to call his bluff by just saying I respect his wishes ... what's the next step and if he does contact should I reply positively to that contact or go NC? I've never really been in this situation before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Good for you! Honestly, berry01, how happy are you in this relationship? Is it just this dynamic that's bothering you or do you think it's unhealthy all around? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 I was extremely happy for 2 years in this relationship but when things started going down hill it really got unhealthy and toxic. No matter how much I do to please him now it seems like it's never enough. I'm not even sure what he wants from me at this point because no matter what I say he says I don't take responsibility for my actions and he just doesn't want to live with someone like that. What's really happening here is he is not taking any responsibility for any of his actions and inadvertently or perhaps advertentely flips the script on me. I know the relationship has really good potential based on how happy we were together and how bright our future seemed. I sort of feel like we are living under a dark cloud and just need to get out into the sun. I'll probably lose my mind doing this NC, calling his bluff thing but hopefully I can last. I'm not sure what the next move will be because if he really thinks this is my fault, he's extremely stubborn and will take a while coming around Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
camus154 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Do you take responsibility for your actions? Do you have any specific examples of this? Does he take responsibility for his actions? Do you have any specific examples? What I see here is a bunch of finger-pointing, so I'm willing to bet neither of you are taking responsibility and both of you are more caught up in blaming each other than in fixing anything. One bit of advice regarding your OP: you have to chill with grilling him about his whereabouts and calling him a liar. No guy is going to take that very well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eocsor Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Eocsor, can you clarify what you mean by that please? Simply put if someone threatens to break up with you and then you say fine do it, well they may just do that and walk away for good. I'm not saying this is a good relationship for you, but if you still want him be careful how you proceed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnoliatree Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I'm not sure what the next move will be because if he really thinks this is my fault, he's extremely stubborn and will take a while coming around your next move is to do nothing. he needs to learn that he cannot threaten to end a relationship and not mean it -that is manipulative and unhealthy and you should not tolerate it. he says he wants to end it? it's done. let him seek you out and try to make things right, if that is what he truly feels. but for now you are finished scrambling, finshed pandering, finished begging, finished trying to make things work. it is time for him to face the consequences of his actions. and if he chooses not to, what have you really lost? a manipulative child who refuses to have a mature adult relationship with you and who makes you feel insecure all the time? not a big loss. find your dignity, find your backbone and walk away. he doesn't respect you and he isn't ever going to if you keep chasing after him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Well, I will offer a counter-point, because unless I am reading wrong, your post screams insecurity to me (warranted or not, since I do know you said he spoke to his ex). How are these discussions with his ex? Were they friends before their relationship, were they friends before your relationship? Because some people do keep their ex's as friends, if you cant accept that... then leave him. He crossed your personal boundary and you walk, but its not uncommon for people to keep their ex's as friends. I have an ex who was my friend for several relationships. Also, how did you ask where he was? It seems (and I am only going by what little you wrote, so i could be wrong) you want to control him in some way to ease your anxiety, and hes fighting it? Either way it seems like it. I have been in this situation, where the girl is asking me WHERE ARE YOU, WHO ARE YOU CHATTING WITH- that it becomes nagging. It has been so bad for me since everything i did was going to go wrong that I would not care anymore. You might think in your head, "baby, i worry that you will hurt me, and i love you so much that the idea of losing you will hurt me", but to us we hear, "are you defying me... YOU BETTER NOT?" If you really have DIRT on him, and your fears, or whatever pushes you to make demands and ask where is... then you know what you need to do. Then you are warranted in what you said/did, and you need to do what you know you have to do. If you dont... prepare for a fight, prepare for stress. I been there, not only is it annoying, but it made her look unattractive and desperate. It made our relationship volatile, and i just couldnt look at my gf the same until she stopped, and when she did stop.. was when she stopped caring. And to be honest, all her fears were for nothing, because i ignored my ex, our convos were about dumb things, and i had no eyes for anyone. Though I would understand if there is more to the story. Like he pushes away his attention (on his own, not in reaction to what you do) and you react by pulling him to get it back. Then I can see why you would want him to stop talking to his ex, and ask him where he was at. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Yes, of course I want him. When I do something wrong I suck it up and apologize. However, more often than not I find myself apologizing for everything even when it's not my fault because he's turned the situation on me so I apologize just to appease the situation. Eocsor, I'm still a bit unclear about what you mean. What else is my option here if I want to be with him? How exactly would you proceed given the circumstance? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 All of her insecurities do not allow for him to hold the relationship hostage, and his constant threats to abandon her and the relationship are actually building upon her insecurities. They both have unhealthy behaviours going on here, but constantly being threatened with leaving isnt justified no matter what she has done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnoliatree Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 The problem as I see it isn't her insecurity, his exes, etc... All of that is negotiable, all of that can be talked out and perhaps resolved. But his way of handling conflict is to end things. This isn't once or twice. This is habitual and a power move on his part to avoid any sort of negotiation/conversation. It's his way of making you take full responsibility for all problems when you both clearly are at fault. That is the biggest problem here and something that berry cannot change or positively influence but accommodating him (ie running after him) time after time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnoliatree Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 All of her insecurities do not allow for him to hold the relationship hostage, and his constant threats to abandon her and the relationship are actually building upon her insecurities. They both have unhealthy behaviours going on here, but constantly being threatened with leaving isnt justified no matter what she has done. This. Exactly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berry01 Posted November 18, 2011 Author Share Posted November 18, 2011 Thorshammer, your really spot on. What you said is exactly what he has said to me before. That my nagging him makes him feel like regardless of what he does it's going to go wrong so he doesn't care anymore. The background with the ex is that they didn't stay friends after they broke up but she has told everyone including him, his siblings, his parents and his friends that she loves him and will do anything to get him back, apparently she offered to buy him a house if he would take her back. He has always told me he'd never take her back and he never loved her but because they didn't end on bad terms he doesn't feel he should completely ignore her. It always bothered me because CLEARLY her intentions are to get back together with him and when a man is dating a woman he loves and respects, he shouldn't be speaking to an ex who is vying for him in every possible way. He also says his conversations with her are about stupid things and never related to me or them or anything romantic. We also had a period of time where we broke up and I know he was spending time with other women in social circles and what not while I was trying to work on myself for the relationship and had nobody else on the side. This was also something that made me insecure and jealous. All of this jealousy and feelings built up inside of me and I kind of feel like I've let go of most of them but at this point my boyfriend doesn't believe that I'll stop that possessiveness I have within me as a result of all the crap I've had to deal with. What ended up happening with your relationship Thorshammer? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thorshammer Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I never said he was justified... so i dont know why anyone would say that... You guys made your point already, no need to repeat, or for me to add it in my post. I didnt say once that it was right, I didnt even comment on it... I was speaking from his perspective. People here are pointing the finger completely ignoring what he might be feeling. Its not that easy being on the other shoe. Like i said... it... was... a ... volatile... situation in my case. Its not so easy going through a rough patch, and if it seems like its a power struggle, communications would also be a struggle. And did i not say if it is warranted that he's pushing away, and you are pulling- that the insecurity is warranted... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Edmund Exley Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 The background with the ex is that they didn't stay friends after they broke up but she has told everyone including him, his siblings, his parents and his friends that she loves him and will do anything to get him back, apparently she offered to buy him a house if he would take her back. He has always told me he'd never take her back and he never loved her but because they didn't end on bad terms he doesn't feel he should completely ignore her. It always bothered me because CLEARLY her intentions are to get back together with him and when a man is dating a woman he loves and respects, he shouldn't be speaking to an ex who is vying for him in every possible way. Sounds like he abandoned that relationship too. If it ended on such bad terms, she wouldnt be so desperate to want him back. I would venture he was manipulative with her as well. He also says his conversations with her are about stupid things and never related to me or them or anything romantic. If the conversations are over stupid things, then it shouldnt be so hard for him to eliminate them. We also had a period of time where we broke up and I know he was spending time with other women in social circles and what not while I was trying to work on myself for the relationship and had nobody else on the side. This was also something that made me insecure and jealous. All of this jealousy and feelings built up inside of me and I kind of feel like I've let go of most of them but at this point my boyfriend doesn't believe that I'll stop that possessiveness I have within me as a result of all the crap I've had to deal with. Ok, now in regards to your behaviours. Your jealousy is built upon what he did when you were apart, because he acted in a way different than what you expected, yet you entered back into the relationship with full knowedge of what he was doing. You had a decision right there not to do so. You chose to move forward so these feelings are on you, you dont get to punish him for your decision. Have you actually given him any reason to believe he will stop? He has had a lot of seeing this behaviour from you. Its going to take a lot of not seeing it to believe you stopped. Sometimes you're going to have to think things through and bite your tongue. Exactly what crap did you have to deal with? You're complaints thus far about why you are jealous and insecure stem from what he did during a break up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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