rocio Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 How long has he felt this way? Has he never felt a strong bond with Fred? See if he is willing to get help. There should be resources in the community for this kind of thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sidehop Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Personally if your b/f and Fred can become closer again chances are that will probably change your mind about whether or not you want to have a future including having more children with him. As far as the parenting issues are concerned it will become your business in a sense that you still will be a family unit together. There's nothing wrong with working together both good/bad times without forcing any sort of direct parental input. He still needs the guidance and chances are Fred sees you as that mentor and a good friend. It probably wouldn't hurt to have a talk with him with and without his father. Obviously his father has to do more and aggressively. Fred is probably giving up as well but blaming on the child and playing video games is not going to solve the problem either. I'm sure it will take time for him and Fred to get back that father-son relationship but it's not impossible either. Whether you'll be there or not, the ultimate decision and action has to come from him. Hopefully for the sake of Fred's well being he'll get involved more. And I'm sure this hurts you a lot in both ways; seeing someone you love giving no sort of light at the end of the tunnel and seeing Fred who can be happier with his father and the possibility of leaving him with your b/f. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I understand what your boyfriend feels. However, maybe you should make one more suggestion. Instead of spending the weekend asking Fred if he wants to do this or that, why not plan something in advance. Take Fred out to the zoo, hike around the nature center (which is usually free), go ice skating when the weather comes, etc - plan one activity. If its all "down time" of sitting around the house and playing cards, he will get bored. And don't say "fred, do you want to go to the zoo." just say "today, we're going to go to the zoo." Also, you might want to have some activities where he and Fred do them alone without you. You want to reinforce that you are not his stepmom now and you don't come as a package deal with his dad. Also consider Fred could be putitng on his social face with you and acting out how he really feels with his dad. Also, would he ever visit his grandparents while seeing his dad (go to dinner with grandparents and dad or do something asa family? are there cousins he never gets to see? Not to dump fred off with them but to strengthn those connections with dad's family) Has your bf considered counseling? what about finding some sort of social group or meetup or support group for divorced parents? I think that if your bf can work through his feelings, this has a chance. As far as if you should continue this relationship, I would look at how he treats you also - does he sit and play video games all weekend in front of you - or do you spend time together? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I disagree with you, abitbroken. She can't be the one to fix this. All she can do is talk to her boyfriend privately and encourage him to address it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Instead of spending the weekend asking Fred if he wants to do this or that, why not plan something in advance. Take Fred out to the zoo, hike around the nature center (which is usually free), go ice skating when the weather comes, etc - plan one activity. If its all "down time" of sitting around the house and playing cards, he will get bored. I often suggest to my bf that I want to take Fred to the park, on a bike ride, to the zoo, etc. My bf's stupid argument last night is that the weekend is "the only time he has to be lazy" because he's so busy during the week. I work six days a week, volunteer on my one day off, and work full time while I take night classes and I still manage to spend time with his son every weekend. He says he doesn't have my stamina and therefore gets too exhausted by the weekend. This bothers me because spending time with Fred shouldn't be "exhausting," it should be something he looks forward to. rocio, I agree that my bf has to fix this on his own. Of course I will encourage it but I don't have the emotional energy to keep pushing if he won't put in the necessary hard work. An honest thought here about all of this in general: in our talk last night, it occurred to me that I think my bf is severely depressed. He's had a rough few years, partially his own fault, and although he's worked hard to try turning things around for himself I think it's taken its toll and he is truly depressed and in need of help. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I disagree with you, abitbroken. She can't be the one to fix this. All she can do is talk to her boyfriend privately and encourage him to address it. No, she can't fix it, but she can suggest he plan something out of the house with the child. and she can also step away and not partake in father/son time and step out of the process at the same time. He bared his heart to her and it is not up to her to fix things, but he sounds really at a loss and when you are the partner, you naturally want to help the other person out. It is a very simple suggestion. It is up to him what he does with it - how the outings go - but if he doesn't know what to do rather than sit and play video games, maybe that is a helpful suggestion. If this guy does something different with his kid, it could just be the suggestion needed when someone is at a loss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
abitbroken Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 But you taking Fred to the park is not what should happen - it is your boyfriend who needs to go. Also, I would not ask Fred to do anything yourself so again its not a competition between your bf and anyone. If he needs downtime he needs to make that himself - does he have a night alone where you are working, etc? Or maybe if push comes to shove, moving out would give him more downtime and give you a chance to consider if you want to continue this relationship long term or not. If he is depressed and in need of help, then he needs more help than you can provide. You can kindly suggest that he consider going to a support group or counseling but that's all you can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My initial thoughts when I read your original post were that he was either severely depressed or had been raised in a negative environment. It seems both of those factors may, in fact, be at play here. Neither is an excuse here though. You can be compassionate without enabling. In fact, the most compassionate thing to do here is to hold him accountable and not let him hide behind these factors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 But you taking Fred to the park is not what should happen - it is your boyfriend who needs to go. Sorry, I should clarify: I suggest to my bf that we--all three of us--should go to the park (for example). I have told my bf countless times that Fred needs "alone" time with his dad, but he doesn't seem to grasp the concept. If he needs downtime he needs to make that himself - does he have a night alone where you are working, etc? Yes, he has three nights a week to himself while I am in class. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 An honest thought here about all of this in general: in our talk last night, it occurred to me that I think my bf is severely depressed. He's had a rough few years, partially his own fault, and although he's worked hard to try turning things around for himself I think it's taken its toll and he is truly depressed and in need of help. I'm sure that has a lot to do with it. Ok, this is a pretty major element to the story and we're just now reading this, but what kind of issues has Fred Sr been having? Life does get in the way sometime and things do happen. When my sister in law lost her husband (my brother), she has two small children to take care of on her own. So besides the help she recieves from the rest of the family, she's still virtually taking care of those kids by herself. It's hard on her, but she keeps on fighting it all the way through and she's not neglecting her responsibility as a parent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Ok, this is a pretty major element to the story and we're just now reading this, but what kind of issues has Fred Sr been having? Yes it is, and I just realized it for the first time during our conversation last night. Three biggest problems: 1) He was an alcoholic and a smoker and within two years he has quit doing both--100%. 2) He's in a job he hates in which he is underpaid; he has a certificate to be a diesel mechanic but he can't find work in this area. 3) He has problems with his shoulder and needs to have a second surgery but he can't afford it. He's mentioned before that the reason he likes sleeping in on the weekends is because there's nothing exciting enough to make him want to get out of bed. Last night when we were talking he said, quote, "Don't even get me started on how frustrating life is." I would guarantee he needs to see someone about depression and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if it contributes to his willingness to be a better parent. If he can't make himself happy how is he going to make his child happy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 And to clarify, I hope that last sentence in my last post doesn't sound like I'm defending him or justifying him. It almost sounds like it, but no. There is no excuse in the world he could feed me that would make me defend his position. Just to clarify. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 And to clarify, I hope that last sentence in my last post doesn't sound like I'm defending him or justifying him. It almost sounds like it, but no. There is no excuse in the world he could feed me that would make me defend his position. Just to clarify. No, it's not that. I'm just reading all of this and wondering what is it that I'm doing wrong that I can't seem to draw a woman whose willing to put in this much work with me as for example you have been for your boyfriend. And it's not you personally, but I noticed it's a common trend out in the real world and definitely on these forum boards. It seems like some of the most patient and persistent of women work so hard at trying to maintain relationships that seem like a dead end, whereas I feel as though I'm squared away but can't seem to pull anyone who's on the same sheet of music. I just don't understand the science that's all. Yes it is, and I just realized it for the first time during our conversation last night. Three biggest problems: 1) He was an alcoholic and a smoker and within two years he has quit doing both--100%. 2) He's in a job he hates in which he is underpaid; he has a certificate to be a diesel mechanic but he can't find work in this area. 3) He has problems with his shoulder and needs to have a second surgery but he can't afford it. He's mentioned before that the reason he likes sleeping in on the weekends is because there's nothing exciting enough to make him want to get out of bed. Last night when we were talking he said, quote, "Don't even get me started on how frustrating life is." I would guarantee he needs to see someone about depression and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if it contributes to his willingness to be a better parent. If he can't make himself happy how is he going to make his child happy? Tell you the truth, I don't think you'll find that the majority of people these days are in the financial position they'd wish to be in. Many of us are underpaid, working more than one job trying to make ends meet. Nevertheless, I still don't think this is an excuse not to take responsibility for your child. So what that you're broke..... Now you and the baby are broke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 I'm just reading all of this and wondering what is it that I'm doing wrong that I can't seem to draw a woman whose willing to put in this much work with me as for example you have been for your boyfriend. And it's not you personally, but I noticed it's a common trend out in the real world and definitely on these forum boards. It seems like some of the most patient and persistent of women work so hard at trying to maintain relationships that seem like a dead end, whereas I feel as though I'm squared away but can't seem to pull anyone who's on the same sheet of music. I just don't understand the science that's all. For a slight deviation from the topic, the simple answer is: at this point every serious relationship I've ever been in has turned into me getting a lot less (emotionally and mentally) than I'm giving. After a decade of relationships that all turn out the same, I can't really imagine anything different. Anyway, I understand what you're saying about the financial thing. I make about $10/less an hour than I should be making and yes, I have to make decisions like "Well, I have to buy cat food so I guess I'll shave with dull razors for another week." But I make the best out of life because I don't have any other choice but to love the one I've got. My bf is the opposite; during our talk the other night he kept on saying, over and over, "I'm just a pessimist, I see the negative in everything." I think there's a difference between pessimism and depression and the need to get help for your problems, and I'm just now realizing that my boyfriend needs more help that I can personally give him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 For a slight deviation from the topic, the simple answer is: at this point every serious relationship I've ever been in has turned into me getting a lot less (emotionally and mentally) than I'm giving. After a decade of relationships that all turn out the same, I can't really imagine anything different. To be honest, that's really why I just choose not to date very often. It's not really worth it. Anyway, I understand what you're saying about the financial thing. I make about $10/less an hour than I should be making and yes, I have to make decisions like "Well, I have to buy cat food so I guess I'll shave with dull razors for another week." But I make the best out of life because I don't have any other choice but to love the one I've got. My bf is the opposite; during our talk the other night he kept on saying, over and over, "I'm just a pessimist, I see the negative in everything." I think there's a difference between pessimism and depression and the need to get help for your problems, and I'm just now realizing that my boyfriend needs more help that I can personally give him. Well that certainly doesn't help things, pink. And I'm certain that doesn't make you feel any better knowing that you're putting forth so much effort into this relationship and discovering your fears to be true. I think his comments in addition to the way he treats his son should be an eye-opener for you and definitely give you some things to think about. That could be your child someday or your children. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 16, 2011 Author Share Posted November 16, 2011 Well that certainly doesn't help things, pink. And I'm certain that doesn't make you feel any better knowing that you're putting forth so much effort into this relationship and discovering your fears to be true. I think his comments in addition to the way he treats his son should be an eye-opener for you and definitely give you some things to think about. That could be your child someday or your children. I don't disagree with you one bit. It was only two nights ago that I brought up my concerns with him and we will have his son again this weekend, so in a few days I will have the opportunity to see if he takes anything I said to him into consideration. Now that I've told him how I feel, he'd better be prepared to make a change or no, I will not stick around to see this happen to my own children. That much I can say for certain. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stay_home Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I don't disagree with you one bit. It was only two nights ago that I brought up my concerns with him and we will have his son again this weekend, so in a few days I will have the opportunity to see if he takes anything I said to him into consideration. Now that I've told him how I feel, he'd better be prepared to make a change or no, I will not stick around to see this happen to my own children. That much I can say for certain. Let us know how it goes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Small update... Fred came over on Friday night as usual and, to my surprise, my boyfriend has pulled a complete 180 this weekend. He's spent the whole weekend doing activities with Fred and his patience level is significantly better than I'm used to seeing. I'm happy to see it, although it will take time for him to prove that he's making an effort toward a permanent change. I did finally break down and talk to my mom, a social worker, about my suspicion that my boyfriend may have depression. Her response was, "I've known for a long time that he has depression, but I always figured it wasn't my place to get involved." She says she has no doubt he suffers from depression and that it would have a HUGE impact on his relationship with Fred. After talking to her, I have decided to mention to my boyfriend that I am concerned about him. But that's another issue entirely, so, we'll see what happens. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 20, 2011 Share Posted November 20, 2011 Suggest to your boyfriend that he make an appointment with his physician. His physician should be able to direct him to a resouce that can help him....Depression is treatable.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkrobot Posted November 20, 2011 Author Share Posted November 20, 2011 Suggest to your boyfriend that he make an appointment with his physician. His physician should be able to direct him to a resouce that can help him....Depression is treatable.. Yep, that's what I plan on doing. When I look back, I can't believe I've missed it until now. I'm pretty sure he's been depressed as long as I've known him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chitown9 Posted November 21, 2011 Share Posted November 21, 2011 Yep, that's what I plan on doing. When I look back, I can't believe I've missed it until now. I'm pretty sure he's been depressed as long as I've known him. That is what is called " Can't see the forest for the trees." .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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