journeynow Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Again - it depends if the resentment is reasonable and capable of compromise. How do partners know what's reasonable, if it isn't discussed? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 How do partners know what's reasonable, if it isn't discussed?You exercise common sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted November 15, 2011 Author Share Posted November 15, 2011 Ok thank you for all of the helpful posts. Even though there are disagreements about what's acceptable adn appropriate and what's not, I'm glad to see all sides and opinions on it. It's what I was looking for. I went to my meeting tonight and randomly opened one of the daily readers to a reading on communicating effectively. The person who wrote that one shared that she has to consider her motives for why she's making certain requests. The reading said that if she repeats soemthing multiple times, then she's manipulating and attempting to control. She also said that sharing her feelings is NOT controlling ONLY IF she is able to say what she's feeling without expecting a result to come of it or for a change to occur. If she says the exact same words and expects a change to occur, then she's controlling. I read two other pages on the same topic, and they both said the same thing as teh first one I read...that I have to look at my motives. So lightbulbs went off all over the place. I thought back to teh countless times I've tried to make a passive-aggressive demand of Jared (yes, I am extremely passive-aggressive, sometimes without even meaning to be, but I have to work on that), and he's said simply "Ok, what do you expect of me here" or "What can I do to better this" and I woudl literally have no response. So why woudl I gripe about something that I don't even know what the solution would be? Why do I expect him to appease me if I don't even know what he could do to appease me? So now it's time to keep my mouth shut. I like Batya's suggestion of keeping 2 things to myself each day. Even my sponsor has said that I don't have to share every thought I have with him. And you guys are right--I shoudln't expect him to change who he is simply b/c I don't understand it, and I shoudln't keep him from doing a hobby simply b/c I don't like said hobby. I have nothing to complain about with the housework, his contribution to the house, and his job search--he's on top of everything b/c he's a wonderful husband. So why do I complain? Simply b/c that is what I do. I will always have somethign to complain about. But he shouldn't have to carry that burden. It's up to me to fix that. So if he finishes all of his stuff and is looking for somethiing to fill the time, who am I to say what he shoudl do with that time? I have no say in taht. DN is right there. So the solution here is to keep my mouth shut. Everyone who shared, I appreciate it, and I think everyone's opinions were correct in their own way. I agree with OG b/c she knows how difficult it is to not want to control something but still want to be in a happy relationship (so sharing is important and feelings are never wrong and not sharing does, in fact, breed resentment. I am living proof to that). But I agree with Rocio and Batya and a few others who said feelings aren't wrong but it'sw hat we do with them that makes things go wrong. And I agree with DN and others who say that I really have no right to say what he does simply b/c I don't like it. Time to put it all into practice. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Good for you hers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 *nods* It's very hard to be a control freak but also want to be in a happy, healthy relationship. I fight it every single day. Some would say I'm changing who I am to be in the relationship but normal Mad Cow OG is not healthy in the least bit. The next time you do find something you do want to bring to Jared's attention, watch how you phrase it. As a control freak I have a HUGE habit of saying things like 'you don't' or 'you need to' and when L hears that, he immediately goes on the defense, as he should. He asked me when I had a problem to say 'Can you' vs. 'you don't' or 'you need to' and I try to do that. Just food for thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Sounds good. I think you'll get what you're looking for from Jared, just give it time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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