Huntress0527 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I don't really have any advice here but I'm with you on how you feel. I'd feel the same way too and I get what you're saying. You aren't being confrontational about it. I would definitely think 5 days a week with friends is too much when you're married even if it's not impacting your time together. I hope you can get this resolved soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Not impacting a couple's time doesn't mean it's still not an issue though. Even if he's going when she's at work and such the basic, bottom of the barrell problem (IMO) is he's not putting as much effort in to spend time with her as he is his friends. Impacting your time together as a couple and not putting enough effort in to spend with your spouse or 2 completely different problems and one can exist without the other.That is just a variation of "If you love me you would do what I want" and that is a dangerous road to travel. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 No its not, it's two separate issues, and one can exist without the other. Just because you're spending physical time with your partner, dosent mean you're fulfilling their emotional needs, and visa-versa. I personally would rather have my partner tell me that I'm not mkaing enough effort, and be given the chance to correct it. If fact L has in the past on one occasion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 You don't get to control what partners do when they are not with you simply because they are dong something of which you disapprove or are with people you don't like. And to cast this as "you spend more time with them than with me and are not meeting my emotional needs" when he can't spend time with hers anyway because of her schedule is needy and controlling. Jared is an adult and gets to decide what he does with his alone time. He is looking for work, keeping the place clean and spending time with his wife. To expect to be able to control what he does when alone is not appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 I don't know how your marriage works DN but mine works under the rule no one is wrong for how they feel. If Hers feels like he isn't making enough effort she isn't in the wrong for that, they are hef feelings as Jared is entitled to his. I don't think asking your partner to make more effort and put just as much in to see you as they do their friends is controlling. Controlling would be saying 'you can't go there' - Hers hasn't. Would it really be best of she was a 'good little wife' and kept her mouth shut when things bothered her? Last I checked that breeds resentment, which is the last thing you need in a marriage. So what exactly do you propose she do DN? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 So what exactly do you propose she do DN?Stop trying to control what he does when she is not there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 So basically not talk about how something makes her feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Huntress0527 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Could it be that he is addicted to his friends (5 days a week while you're at work does seem excessive) and you're fearful he longs for the single life because it? And that could be the reason it bothers you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 So basically not talk about how something makes her feel? Not if it is inappropriate because it comes into the territory of "if you love me you will do what I want because otherwise you aren't taking account of my feelings". People need to be careful that they don't use 'my feelings' as a weapon to get their own way - it can be exceedingly manipulative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 You are never wrong for having your own feelings - but you may chose wrongly how to deal with them. Essentially everyone is primarily responsible for their own feelings, regardless of relationship status. Just because I am married doesn't give me the right that now I can dump all my feelings on my partner and it's his responsibility to take care of those feelings for me. I can most certainly discuss my feelings with him - but in the end it's my responsibility what I do about them. In hers case, she is not complaining about her husband taking time away from their time as a couple, but how he spends his time when she is not around. There is a legitimate concern if the way he spends his time would affect the relationship in a significant way - but as long as he is doing everything that is reasonable to expect from a partner - she really has not much of a say to dictate how he should spend his time while she is busy with other things. If hers is a more introverted person and thus doesn't feel comfortable pending a lot of time socializing with multiple people - that is her prerogative and choice - however, that doesn't mean that her husband needs to be the same in order for her to be able to relate to him. It shouldn't be a competition about friends versus wife just for the sake of it. That would be equal to him saying 'hers doesn't value me enough, because she spends more hours at work than at home with me'. What you can do in order to deal with these feelings is to reevaluate how you measure a successful marriage and what kind of indicators you want to use to see what the state of your marriage is. Currently it sounds you are using the equation 'he is spending x hours with me, y hours with friends. since x Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 hers, if his time with you isn't really impacted because he goes while you are at work and he is doing his best to get a job etc. then I really don't think it is your business what he does and why. How would you feel if he said that you are too fond of being on your own spending hours on ENA and other websites and you aren't social enough? People are different and have their own wants and needs and what they find interesting isn't necessarily the same as other people. I think you need to back off this one unless, as I say, it is impacting on time you would be doing things together. Somewhat reluctantly (because I have some ambivalence about this, not because DN has written it ;-) I do agree. I read in Elizabeth Gilbert's Committed that for a successful marriage you have to try to let about two things left unsaid every day. Sometimes I've reached number 2 by 9am but it's been awhile so I'm on the right track. But maybe this could be your unsaid thing -ok it bothers you - there will be other things that bother you. If I were in your shoes it would bother me too. But, since it's not impacting (or at least significantly) your time together and if he does step up to the plate more as far as being reliable about errands despite wanting to go to the shop then, ok let it go. He has to let things about you go too. No, I don't want it to breed resentment for you - but can you do some more self-talk so that you can see it in a different light? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 If it makes you feel any better, hers, my husband used to call his best friend first thing in the morning - often before he even had a chance to say good morning to me! He still has a friend who calls him twice a day, at exactly the same time, and they have long, lively conversations. They yell and laugh and sometimes I think, "I wish he found me that funny!" When one of his BFFs got married, the guy's wife immediately decided that their friendship had to end. She actually stated to them that she was going to break up their friendship. She felt threatened by it, and apparently decided that her husband wouldn't have any more BFFs. She succeeded, and they no longer have a close friendship. But my husband has told me several times how he respects the fact that I didn't feel threatened and never tried to get between them. He also tells me regularily that I'm his best friend. And I know I am. I think it can take time for a guy to settle into married life and it's natural for it not to be an immediate thing. But it has to be natural, not forced. I hate the words "nagging" but unfortunately, that's what guys often think of us "sharing our feelings". You can pressure and manipulate someone into marrying you, or doing the dishes, or upgrading his wardrobe. One of the few things you can't pressure someone into is closeness, friendship, enjoying your time together. The more you pull him toward you, the more he'll pull away. I think if you learn to accept his closeness with his friends, and not take it personally, then over time he will be drawn to you and slowly draw away from his friends of his own initiative. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted November 14, 2011 Author Share Posted November 14, 2011 I'm not trying to control him at all, you guys. I am not doing this thing of "if you love me, you will spend less time there." I'm just saying that for our ENTIRE relationship (read, again: even while he was employed), his friends have come first. At least that's what it's always felt like. OG is right...I woudl like him to make the same effort to see me. There will be days where I'll be working a day shift and night shift but he doesn't come up to see me. He'll go to the shop instead and then when I get home, we watch TV and then go to bed. I feel like i'm boring to him while his friends are fun. We've discussed it so many times and he just doesn't understand that I'd liek to feel more important to him. If we go out to eat together, he's on his phone, either looking at things or texting with a friend. I've tried to ask him for us to pay more attention to each other when we're out alone (and I've even gone so far as to leaving my phone in my purse and not looking at it b/c I have a tendency to do the same thing). Nothing has worked. I feel boring to him. The extrovert/introvert thing doesn't affect us all that much until it's things like this. And even this isn't somethiing tearing us apart, as I've said. But it does feel like I'm not as valued as his friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CountryHGirl Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 My ex used to do this constantly. He would break plans with me for friends, disinvite me from things, and saw them more often than me as well. I felt useless to him. Especially since we used to be together constantly. I HATED when he would do things with me(go out, movie, dinner etc) and then leave after to go visit friends. like i was a roadblock to get to where he needed to be. That being said, when i got into my current relationship i told my bf that as long as he let me know ahead of time i wouldnt care. He spends about 2 days with his friends, more if its a special event like sports or something(even though i enjoy all sports and used to play myself!) I think its important to spend time with friends. I encourage my bf to do so alot, since hes kind of a homebody. It makes my time with him more special. BUT if your man is constantly rushing out to see his friends, id start doing some investigating. Not for cheating or anything, but is there any stress related things going on in his life? I know that when that happens to me, i try to distract myself by going out alot and visiting friends more than usual. Its just different from the norm i guess. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Not if it is inappropriate because it comes into the territory of "if you love me you will do what I want because otherwise you aren't taking account of my feelings". People need to be careful that they don't use 'my feelings' as a weapon to get their own way - it can be exceedingly manipulative. I don't think Hers as ever told him NOT to do something. Yes, controlling your partner is wrong but it's never wrong to share your feelings with them - as long as its in a healthy way. L and I both have told the other how we felt about certain things and the other completely disagreed - but I have no right to tell him he is wrong for how he feels about something, be it sad, angry, hurt... Because controlling someone would be saying 'you have no right to feel that way' Hers, L has always put me first but my ex was kind of like Jared. I know that feeling of feeling second fiddle and not as important. As L says, 'you are my while world but you aren't the center of it' and I think that's what you want to feel. You don't want to be THE most important thing to him but you want to be one of the important ones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 Sounds like an extrovert vs introvert issue. My limited understanding of extroverts is that they need to be around friends to refill their well, to re-energize. Introverts need some time away from people to re-energize. For him, stopping at the shop might be what he does in the same way some people check Facebook or visit ENA. He needs it to feel connected to his world? It's probably unreasonable for you to expect him to be alone and enjoy his own company in the same way you do. People are wired differently. He probably enjoys alone time as well, but needs socializing. However, if I had a date night, I would want my partner to end it with me, and not head off to be with his friends and would make that request. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 14, 2011 Share Posted November 14, 2011 If we go out to eat together, he's on his phone, either looking at things or texting with a friend. I've tried to ask him for us to pay more attention to each other when we're out alone (and I've even gone so far as to leaving my phone in my purse and not looking at it b/c I have a tendency to do the same thing). Nothing has worked. Oh. This is something I don't get. But I'm not a texter. Would this be like him reading a newspaper while you're out alone, or him looking over you shoulder to watch the game at the bar. All are rude, unless you are both doing it, I guess. Bring a book and take it out to read when he texts? Maybe it would make a point. But then, again, he might just continue texting and think it's fine with you since you have a book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Yes, controlling your partner is wrong but it's never wrong to share your feelings with them - as long as its in a healthy way.Yes, it is wrong if sharing your feelings is an attempt to make him feel bad about what he is doing because anyone will know that is simply a passive-aggressive way of getting him to change and that is controlling. In that sense it simply cannot be healthy despite making the assertion that it is. As for saying Jared isn't putting hers first - I think that is a complete exaggeration if the time he is spending with his friends isn't taking time away from her. Texting while they are together is rude but she had better be sure she isn't doing anything else either. Providing what someone is doing when they are alone isn't immoral, unethical or illegal then basically a spouse doesn't get a say. It doesn't matter whether they are spending their alone time with friends and/or on a hobby of which you disapprove. A spouse is not a child whose activities you monitor to make sure they are valuable or educational or self-improving. Adults get to make up their own mind and to treat them otherwise is trying to take on some parental role and that is never, ever appropriate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I don't think anyone but Hers can say if she is bringing it up in a passive aggressive way. Again, would it be best if she never said anything and let resentment build? I sure as H wouldn't want a marriage were I couldn't tell my husband how I felt - whether how I was feeling was correct with what was going on or not, I should be able to talk to my husband and my husband should be able to talk to me. People want to feel important to their SO in relationships and especially in marriages, more so probably in one like Hers and Jared were the first year has been really rough on them. Yes, spouses are adults and their own people. That being said when you marry you become a unit and when one unit is feeling resentment, it breaks that unit down. Your two separate people with your own interests and own thoughts but you also become apart of that unt when you marry. You don't get to just throw up your hands and say 'I'm me, my feelings are the only one that matters, I can do as I want without thought to you or your feelings." At least, that's me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 What is the purpose of bringing something up like this and expressing your feelings unless you want your spouse to change? It can't be that you want them to understand you are upset but continue what they are doing - no one is going to buy that. By expressing your feelings you are automatically putting pressure on them to change what they are doing - there is no other outcome. So, you have to decide first if what you want of a spouse is reasonable, non-controlling and in the best interests of the relationship as a whole. It is a common error, especially with newly-weds, to think that when people marry they are one unit. They are not and trying to be one is doomed to fail in the vast majority of cases. They are two individuals who love each other but they still have their independence and different wants and desires. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 How about not letting resentment breed? You don't always want your partner to change when you bring something like this up - I have with L and he had with me - and I AM a control freak but I didn't bring it up to change him, I brought it up because to not speak about it, at all, is to breed resentment. In talking to him I can at least get his POV and his thoughts, rather than just assuming something and letting it build and build. That's my take though. I would rather hear something I didn't like from my partner than they not speak at all. Of course you are two people in a marriage - but you also are part of a unified unit within being yourselves. I am me, L is him, and then there is us. Otherwise, why get married if your never a unit? Is that not the purpose of getting married - making that commitment and becoming two people within one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Partners are not responsible for your resentments if what you are resentful about isn't reasonable. You must deal with them yourself. Look, I know all the romantic stuff about two people becoming one and 'you complete me' but real life isn't like that. People who think like that are setting up an unrealistic ideal that just can't be achieved. You choose to share your life with someone but that doesn't mean you give up autonomy. Plus - it's really boring to be married to someone who doesn't have outside interests of their own. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OptomisticGirl Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Again that goes back to no one can tell you how you feel is wrong. You may be perceiving it wrong and it causing you to feel that way but how you feel is your own feelings - no one gets to tell you but you that your brig unreasonable. Even control freaks like Hers and I KNOW when we are being unreasonable. I may be new to this whole marriage thing but I'm not new to the long distance thing and my advice for marriages and LDRs are the same: you let resentment build, it destroys the relationship. Your partner isn't responsible for keeping you happy but if you don't even care if your partner is happy or not then perhaps marriage (or the relationship) isn't for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
journeynow Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 What is the purpose of bringing something up like this and expressing your feelings unless you want your spouse to change? It can't be that you want them to understand you are upset but continue what they are doing - no one is going to buy that. It might be worth expressing one's feelings and having the other one acknowledge the issue. There will always be differences in a relationship, and things that are unchangeable. Some issues are not worth pursuing, but some, when bottled up could lead to resentment, and those are facts that affect the relationship one way or the other. It's a tricky balance, for sure. But I would rather know what the issues are with my partner, have the option of changing or acknowledging an understanding, than have him break up one day with resentment over an issue I had no clue about, and no option to change. I tend to disagree that the only option is for her spouse to change if she brings it up. That is one scenario. Another is that they might find a solution TOGETHER. A third option is that she will change her outlook, and her spouse will know this and perhaps appreciate that sometimes there is give and take in a relationship, and she is willing to give on this one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Again - it depends if the resentment is reasonable and capable of compromise. A married couple are 'husband and wife' not 'husbandandwife'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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