Sookie Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I'm sure you were very hurt initially and, like all of us, confided in your family and friends about the situation. As they saw you through the hurt, how did they react when you told them about getting back with this person who hurt you in the past? I've been very curious about this aspect of reconciliations. I have been wondering about this, too! I also read so many times here on ENA about ex's who leave for other people and yet stay in contact with the dumpees, like in your case. My ex also left me for someone else and simply disappeared after the break up, NC ever since. He says he understands that his new gf doesn't want us to talk anymore. And I can understand it, too, of course, so I leave them be and respect my ex's decision. Did the other girl or your ex never had a problem with you two staying in touch, despite him being in a new relationship? Anyways, again best of luck for you two!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
winniethepooh Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 My question is , if you didnt contact him at all would he still be with you today??? for many of us here we are NC 100% does this change our chances of geting back?? Yes, I'm curious also. Although the OP says she wished she hadn't done the monthly contact thing, why does she wish that? And what difference did it make to the eventual reconnection. In a way this is not a GBT story, but a story of a new relationship with someone from her past. Happy but kind of in a sad way - the old relationship died so that a new one could begin ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSeul Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Thank you so much for this. You are right of course. Getting back with him now won't stop the pain. I will continue to focus on myself and on moving on. It's only been a month but we had some contact a few weeks ago which still makes it feel fresh. I look forward to getting to three or four months of growth and self-development and NC. I still think of him everyday but as time goes by I become more and more accepting of reality and allowing life to just play out before me. This outlook has helped me to gradually let go of the hope. It is still there, I admit but diminishes little by little and I am looking forward to getting to the point where whether or not he comes back, I will be past the point of caring because I'm completely fine on my own with my new life without him. Thank you again for sharing your story and what you have learned. Best wishes to you two and your new relationship! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenmind Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 I kept working on myself and tried to be brutally honest with me after my BU. If two months ago I cried out of nothing and would gave my both kidneys ( just kidding...) to have her back again, now I experience the joy of realising that I dodged a bullet...hell, I even thank her in my mind that by leaving she provided me the oportunity to grow and to find true love someday.. I realised something: most of my impulses to get back my ex were based on Fear...fear that Iwould never be loved...that all my future relations will be inferior to this one...that I will live unhappy until I die without her . Sounds silly now, but deep down that's how I felt. But if somebody from the future would tell me: hey, don't worry...just breathe, heal, live your life doing what you love...and after some time, you will meet a nice girl and fall in love with her, she will love you back with all her heart, she won't leave when things are hard, she won't cheat you, she dreams a future with you as much as you do... If I could hear those words I wouldn't be thinking at my ex for a second more... Could it be that all that's missing to stop dwelling in despair is just a bit of faith? I now trully believe I'll be allright. And I believe more and more that one day I will meet that girl..she might not be the next one I meet...but she is out there, right now. Just a matter of time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
utopie Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Spot on zenmind. This is exactly what I felt Fear of never finding someone who will love me just the way I am. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnaN Posted November 15, 2011 Share Posted November 15, 2011 Spot on zenmind. This is exactly what I felt Fear of never finding someone who will love me just the way I am. My fear, too. Not only that I won't be loved but that I won't love like this again. I thought I had found what I was looking for. I was wrong. How can I start from the beginning again? What if I never find anything like that again? And what if it happens again and be dumped whereas I thought everything was perfect? I'd feel better if I knew that I will find love again. In fact, I wouldn't care about my ex any more. But I really have not the strength to start searching again. It seems easier to chase him and try to get him back than start all over again... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rosie smith Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 My fear, too. Not only that I won't be loved but that I won't love like this again. I thought I had found what I was looking for. I was wrong. How can I start from the beginning again? What if I never find anything like that again? And what if it happens again and be dumped whereas I thought everything was perfect? I'd feel better if I knew that I will find love again. In fact, I wouldn't care about my ex any more. But I really have not the strength to start searching again. It seems easier to chase him and try to get him back than start all over again... anna don't chase your ex seriously, just rememeber that if there if there is still love between you guys at some point he will come back to you, but you have to let him go cause normally they only come back once you have let them go!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
utopie Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 We are very much alike AnnaN. Just thinking about starting all over again is exhausting to me as well. We want to go back to them because of the familiarity there, done that. But even if we did, it would just never be the same, we would have to start a whole new relationship with our exes. It's too early to realize it right now but we will eventually find another man. Everybody around me tells me I'm crazy to think that I never will. They know it, I know it but I somehow cannot shake this feeling off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
vel2011 Posted November 16, 2011 Share Posted November 16, 2011 We are very much alike AnnaN. Just thinking about starting all over again is exhausting to me as well. We want to go back to them because of the familiarity there, done that. But even if we did, it would just never be the same, we would have to start a whole new relationship with our exes. It's too early to realize it right now but we will eventually find another man. Everybody around me tells me I'm crazy to think that I never will. They know it, I know it but I somehow cannot shake this feeling off. I know how you guys feel. It's been 3 months and I still can't believe I'm going to ever meet anyone as good - she really was my perfect girl! I remember a few years ago when we'd been together a year and some mates asked me 'Do you think you'll marry her', and I said 'well can you imagine anyone better' and they said 'no'! I'm 27, I guess that's young, but I think I still hold some hope of getting her back in part because I've never seen or met anyone I'm so attracted to and I know there was a time when she was madly in love with me... I suppose we just have to have faith that in an unknown period of time we will eventually fully move on and there are other great people out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 My question is , if you didnt contact him at all would he still be with you today??? for many of us here we are NC 100% does this change our chances of geting back?? I think if I have moved on completely with no contact, then honestly I don't think we would have gotten back together. But I do not think this is true in every case. My boyfriend is the type to completely acknowledge his mistakes and if he saw that I was moved on without him, he would not have done that too me, knowing he messed it up. From conversations with him, and my own assessment of him, I just don't think if we parted ways we would have gotten back together unless we randomly met up or years and years went by and we got in touch. I think it all depends on the person. Some ex's don't mind finding you after long periods of no contact regardless of the situation. I know my ex would have let me go if that is what I needed no matter how much he wanted to get back together. While I am happy we are together, I constantly wonder what would have happened if I moved on. I would like to think we are meant to be and even no contact could not have separated us. Part of me feels guilty that I hung around- even though it is what felt right and I was still able to be happy. Some part of me wishes I tested our love a little bit and went MIA completely to see if I was something worth fighting for or if I our relationship had no boundaries and still formed. If you don't know me I am a huge believer in fate. I am also a huge fan of no contact. If having contact does not hurt you then I say keep a friendship. But if you are the slightest bit uncomfortable with it, or always wanting to make the right moves when around your ex do not do it to yourself. If you get the relationship back you want to feel confident it was for the right reasons and not because you were subtly begging and maneuvering for it. If it is meant to be then it will happen despite no contact. Keep your pride and happiness because one day you will wonder if you did it all right or if the relationship is formed from mutual love and respect. Long story short- only have contact if you can do it without feeling nervous and sad and hopeful. Otherwise don't do it to yourself. You will get set back in the healing process for something that may never come. Work on you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I'd like to know this too. My ex of 3.5 years married her guy she only knew for 2 months. I am still in shock and have been NC for about 2 months despite her attempts to 'coincidentally' show up where she knew I was going to be. I get the same feeling that you had about your family and friends 'knowing' that some day in the future things will go back to 'normal'. Octour- I think your ex does this for some approval or attention. It always feels good when someone wants us even if we don't want them back. I bet she tries to see you out of curiosity and it probably makes her feel good to see you upset over her. If you act ok, maybe she is trying to see approval from you that everything is ok and she can feel like she did something right. I am sure she values how you feel even if it is for a sick reason and that is why she pops up. I am sure given the scenario she misses you in one way or another. Be happy she made such a drastic decision. I think people do such things- especially going right into new relationships VERY QUICKLY to avoid the hurt of the old relationship ending. The good thing is it only lasts so long until she will feel the sadness and hurt of the relationship ending. I can't see this marriage lasting long. The honeymoon phase will end. As much as it hurts watching her with someone else try and be happy at the drastic measures she is taking to avoid hurting over you. It will end and by then you will be stronger to deal with it the way you want. My advice is have fun and show it. Fun and confidence attracts everyone including your ex. Even if you don't want to be back with her- show her your life isn't over. But most of all prove it to yourself! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I have been wondering about this, too! I also read so many times here on ENA about ex's who leave for other people and yet stay in contact with the dumpees, like in your case. My ex also left me for someone else and simply disappeared after the break up, NC ever since. He says he understands that his new gf doesn't want us to talk anymore. And I can understand it, too, of course, so I leave them be and respect my ex's decision. Did the other girl or your ex never had a problem with you two staying in touch, despite him being in a new relationship? Anyways, again best of luck for you two!! THANK YOU. And yes, she did have many problems. But I never felt too bad for her as she knew what she was getting into. I did leave them be and work on respecting her, but I gauged everything by my ex(at that time). If he was OK talking to me, then I never worried about her. I learned now that I was a big source of problems with them. She never could get over me being in his life- but he wanted to remain friends with me. I know my boyfriend was honest with her and would tell her if we saw each other or talked. We went to a concert together, once, very platonic, but I don't think he told her that because she would throw a fit over something so innocent. Other than that he was straight with her. She didn't like it, but learned to accept it. She made the decision to get involved into something that wasn't over and eventually she learned she could not do it anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 Yes, I'm curious also. Although the OP says she wished she hadn't done the monthly contact thing, why does she wish that? And what difference did it make to the eventual reconnection. In a way this is not a GBT story, but a story of a new relationship with someone from her past. Happy but kind of in a sad way - the old relationship died so that a new one could begin ... I wish I never had contact because I never felt like I was true to myself. Things worked out the way I wanted them too deep down, but I wish I stepped away from him completely and took time to lose the feelings of hope. I wish I took more time to myself. Had I done this I think I would have been proud of myself for completely letting go and I would have seen if we still could have made it despite the no contact. I am happy and in love with him and things are great, but I never worked solely on myself and I wish I did. There is always time in life for reconcilation with someone. I wish I knew that then instead of clinging instead of worrying about us forgetting each other. I know deep down we never would have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I am so happy I could share something meaningful with you. It is completely fine and normal to think about him. I know you will be so proud of yourself down the road if you take this time for self-learning and self-happiness seeking. Don't lose yourself in another person. You will be able to handle whatever comes at your way if you take this time now. Time does lead to acceptance and acceptance leads to renewal. Whether it is a new try with this person so be it, or a brand new relationship. It will be as good as you make yourself. I have faith in you. Goodluck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 I am glad you got to this point! Fear of the future is definitely what inhibits us to let go of someone. But I cannot blame anyone for having a slight fear when it first ends, but it is important to live in the present. Recognize that you are living and breathing without this person at this exact moment. You can do it tomorrow too, and eventually time goes by. Once you realize you are capable of living and not just breathing but LIVING without this person, the anxiety stops. When the anxiety stops you open up to a world of new people. You try at new relationships. Love is right under our nose. We just have to be in a place to accept it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 My fear, too. Not only that I won't be loved but that I won't love like this again. I thought I had found what I was looking for. I was wrong. How can I start from the beginning again? What if I never find anything like that again? And what if it happens again and be dumped whereas I thought everything was perfect? I'd feel better if I knew that I will find love again. In fact, I wouldn't care about my ex any more. But I really have not the strength to start searching again. It seems easier to chase him and try to get him back than start all over again... There is always the possibility that love will leave you, but that means love found you. Even if you get back with your ex you would be starting all over. It's hard to ignore that a break happened. Feelings are mixed and sadness does not leave until you take the time to get to a place where you only need yourself. I think love will find you and it won't feel like work. It will be something you enjoy. I think everyone's fear when they are left is they will never find something that amounted to what you guys had. It is true you will never find something exactly like what you had- even if a reconciliation is in the future, but that does not mean you will not find something greater. Different does not mean you won't be happy. Work hard and let go of what happened. Things will find you when you are in a place to receive them- from an ex or a new person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sookie Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 I also wonder how you got the strength to stay in touch with him the entire time? It must have been very difficult for you....I mean on this forum and from friends and family you always hear people say (especially after a couple of months have passed) "move on... it's called break up because it's broken, etc... don't pine for someone who is long gone and has moved on long ago, it's a waste of time and energy... he left you for someone else, you don't want someone like that, you deserve better... you can't wait for him forever", etc. I mean, would you ever have thought you'd be back together one day? Did you feel deep down inside that what you shared was very special and he felt the same way? The 1,5 years apart must have been really difficult for you... I think - even if my ex wanted to- it would be too painful for me to stay in touch while knowing, the person I still love has another girlfriend... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 17, 2011 Author Share Posted November 17, 2011 At first I remained in contact because I did not believe what was happening and I did not know what to do. I stayed very much in touch initially because I wanted closer and felt that being around him to sort out the details of the break up was necessary. I should have just severed the tie because it did set me back in moving on. I remained significant in his life in hopes that he and his girlfriend would realize they did something wrong or it was not working. Then my boyfriend and I could move along the way I thought we would. I realize now that even if they broke up after a few weeks it the damage would have been done and we would have never been able to move along without proper reconciliation, learning to trust, and learning more about ourselves. At the time, I just thought him saying he made a mistake would be enough. As months went by, I still saw him, but it was for different reasons. Obviously I loved him, but he was my best friend and I enjoyed his company no matter the damage done. It wasn't easy and like I have said I wish I just let myself stray away from him. I think I could have learned more about myself if I did, and I would like to believe we would still be in the relationship regardless. But months into their relationship, I reached out to see or talk to him because it made me feel better about myself. It may be wrong or it may be selfish, but I forced myself to try new things, join a gym, eat better, work hard at work/school. Meeting up with him was my chance to talk about the things I had going for me, and it made me feel good about myself. At first I think I was selling myself to him, but then it turned into a friend just talking about my life, but I liked when he was intrigued. Our meet ups helped me be happy, and find my best self. I would leave our little hang outs feeling proud of myself. Eventually the fact he had a girlfriend didn't matter to me. It became all out me, as his life became about him and it eventually just clicked. It wasn't easy at first, but I felt I had too in the beginning. Then it got easier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SweetSeul Posted November 17, 2011 Share Posted November 17, 2011 Did you stay friends on Facebook or change privacy settings so he couldn't see certain things? My ex wants to remain friends on Facebook and we currently are. I thankfully have the discipline not to look at his profile and have unsubscribed from his updates. We are on NC and Facebook is the only form of passive communication we have left. But I am eternally torn whether to 1.) stay friends on Facebook as a sign of maturity, not to burn bridges, and that I am okay, happy and moving on or 2.) delete/block, out of sight out of mind, if he chose to be out of my life then he no longer has the right to know anything that's going on in mine. His friends continue to stay in touch with me through Facebook though which was a pleasant surprise. We had an amicable break up and I am open to eventually becoming friends maybe later down the line. As for reconciliation...I don't know. Sometimes I feel that I am open to the possibility of it, sometimes I feel that the door is really closed as I was too hurt and am unsure if I could ever trust him again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mg22 Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 I think if he left you once what garantees do you have he wont do it again???? i could not see my self taking back my ex , knowing he dumped me for someone else., i would always have doubts about him.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ZenPhoenix Posted November 18, 2011 Share Posted November 18, 2011 Thank you forposting this Foreverxo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 If you are only friends with him on Facebook in order to pretend to be happy, confident and moving on then I don't think you should be friends with him. Even the fact that you are contemplating it shows me you should delete him. I think Facebook blows everything out of proportion, shows false realities and makes things hurt even worse. When I was friends with my ex, I never stayed friends with him on Facebook. I knew all the constant updates was too much for me. If you block him you can always unblock him later. But if you keep him on there and it even hurts you slightly you can never get the time back where you could have burned the bridge and moved on free from him. I suggest you do it now. Let him wonder what your life entails. You can always be friends down the road with a fresh start. The friendship will come when you put yourself in a place to be ready. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Foreverxo Posted November 19, 2011 Author Share Posted November 19, 2011 I think if he left you once what garantees do you have he wont do it again???? i could not see my self taking back my ex , knowing he dumped me for someone else., i would always have doubts about him.. Nothing guarantees anything. My boyfriend could leave me tomorrow and I am well aware. I am at a place to trust him and that he learned more about who he is and what he wants and think we may even be in a better place. But I also could be wrong. But anyone, even a knew guy with a bright future could leave me. I am determined to not fear love just because it could be lost-even when it comes to being with someone who did that to me before. I promised myself this in my darkest break up hour. I rather give it a honest shot because I love him and if it fails well then I tried and move on to the next. We are both working to make it work. I completely understand though. Not everyone feels like I do. Its just my opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LightInTheSky Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Nothing guarantees anything. My boyfriend could leave me tomorrow and I am well aware. I am at a place to trust him and that he learned more about who he is and what he wants and think we may even be in a better place. But I also could be wrong. But anyone, even a knew guy with a bright future could leave me. I am determined to not fear love just because it could be lost-even when it comes to being with someone who did that to me before. I promised myself this in my darkest break up hour. I rather give it a honest shot because I love him and if it fails well then I tried and move on to the next. We are both working to make it work. I completely understand though. Not everyone feels like I do. Its just my opinion. Was there ever a point in the getting back together process where you questioned if you trust again? I totally understand you being determined not to fear love just because it could be lost, I think thats incredibly strong of you. But is the trust the same as it was or is there a part of you that will never fully be his just because of the pain you went through? I'm not getting back with my ex and right now i don't really think I would want to at this point in my life even if I had the chance. But now i'm faced with the dilemma of trusting relationships in general. Even though my break-up was a nice one and he claimed he did not cheat, I do know there was a girl involved in some part of his decision, even if it was just that she made him realize that maybe he would be happier single, not that they actually did anything (also she lives hundreds of miles away and they met when he went on vacation so it's not like he'll probably ever see her again). My two previous relationships however I did get cheated on and I did have to choose to end things. I now don't know if I'll ever be able to meet someone who won't leave me again for someone or because of someone else. My ex was a genuinely nice guy who never has had any intention of hurting me, basically there were no warning flags that I could have noticed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sookie Posted November 19, 2011 Share Posted November 19, 2011 Thanks for answering all our questions It's nice that someone who actually reconciled comes back and shares her experiences! THANKS Would you say this new relationship you are having now, is "better" or stronger than the one you had before? Or is it so "different" that you can't really compare it? Do you feel you two have grown in the time apart and this is what your relationship needed? Haha, I'm so curious, I know Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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